She has changed.
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about 6 years ago, i used to hand out with a girl during my late teens. She was a decent, and homely girl. She only used to trust and hang out with me, the only guy she knew.. i had many dreams about her being my gf, all until NS spoilt it. Flash forward , We are both approaching our mid 20s now.
She went to SIM to do her degree while i rotted away in NS. During this time, i only used to call her on mobile and met a few times. Then i was posted to Australia SAF camp till i ORD. So as a result i could not meet her in singapore. When i finally ORD from the rothole, i went to look for her. She was already working and i noticed she has changed a lot. She is no more the same person i used to know. She now knows other guys as well ( working colleagues). even our looks are mismatched now. She looks older and mature while i still look like a teenager like how i used to 6 years ago. Her talking has also changed quite a bit. I felt awakward and somehow i think she has been influenced by others. After the meeting she did not call me , i sensed something was wrong, but i feel too inferior compared to her status now. I dont know if she dont want to meet me. i tried callling her a few times on weekends but she always says "i am busy, call me back later.." . This goes on every single time i call her until i give up. But i still cannot live without seeing her. I enquired through a few friends and what i learnt was she is not attached to any guy but dates quite a few guys here and then.
Now i feel afraid of meeting or calling her as i dont want to feel hurt. But in my heart , i still think she has a deepfound respect for me. For 2 years after ORD, i was not doing anything, but doing a part time job which paid me quite well. Its because of my brain drain due to the endless tekan and paranoia thoughts during NS>
My life has picked up now, as i joined the civil service and doing part time degree in SIM. I have not tried contacting her for quite some time now. But here and then, such thoughts depress me often when i think of her. Is it because of the stupid NS which made us apart, For one i know that i will never forgive SAF for ruining my life like that.
What is the best approach i can take now?. Depressed.
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Go emo lor... suits what you are saying.......
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6 years leh. So many things can change in just a second, not to mention 6 years. I don't believe that you haven't changed one bit comparing yourself now and 6 years ago.
These 6 years involve the transition from teen to adulthood. This transition can cause many changes. The environment in school differs greatly from that of work. In the working world (aka dog-eat-dog world) one has to adapt to many changes, and this often causes a person to change in terms of perspectives, and gradually, in personality and character. Experiences and mistakes made just offer more grounds for people to learn; and this also causes change. You can't expect her to remain the same after 6 years, do you?
Some things just can't go back to what it was like in the past. I suggest trying to contact her again now? Don't bear any hopes of getting back the same feeling you had 6 years ago, but look at it as starting a new friendship. She most probably doesn't feel the same way as you do now, else she would be initiating contact with you. Good luck anyway, and don't bear too much hope. If she doesn't want to start knowing you all over again, I suggest that you let go and move on.
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My suggestion is that u come to terms with what is real, lots of changes, of course, she is evolving as a person, so are u, what u accept frees, what u dont binds u, Holding on to the past is akin to holding a cancelled cheque! She is merely a psychological hangover (and all u have is merely images in your head) , just like what you expereinced in ns (images) - inner plentitude - mite work , its hard work!
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well sometimes the question comes to this
was this e path you decided for the 2 yr of NS? I've seen people grumbling abt everything in NS... later in uni life grumbled even more as e workload ended up even heavier
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Originally posted by kiseki:
6 years leh. So many things can change in just a second, not to mention 6 years. I don't believe that you haven't changed one bit comparing yourself now and 6 years ago.
These 6 years involve the transition from teen to adulthood. This transition can cause many changes. The environment in school differs greatly from that of work. In the working world (aka dog-eat-dog world) one has to adapt to many changes, and this often causes a person to change in terms of perspectives, and gradually, in personality and character. Experiences and mistakes made just offer more grounds for people to learn; and this also causes change. You can't expect her to remain the same after 6 years, do you?
Some things just can't go back to what it was like in the past. I suggest trying to contact her again now? Don't bear any hopes of getting back the same feeling you had 6 years ago, but look at it as starting a new friendship. She most probably doesn't feel the same way as you do now, else she would be initiating contact with you. Good luck anyway, and don't bear too much hope. If she doesn't want to start knowing you all over again, I suggest that you let go and move on.
I havent changed maybe becos of the vacumn called NS. But some parts of me deteriorated like my ability to study and shruf off emotional problems.
But still have not changed my basic self. But why is it girls change easily . I have another friend who has the same problem and he agrees girls do change easily .I am trying to be with her because she is the closest to my heart during my teenage hood. But if i can be with her, i am surre i can advise her.
maybe she is weak minded, people who change ther personality due to environment changes are i think weak minded.But i am sure i can change her, by showing her and doing the sme things we did in the past. I just need a chance.
I recently tried to meet her at her workplace, timed my move by pretending to bump into her ( her workplace is a bank ) and was successful, She went out for dinner, but she was quiet. I did not talk much with her.
But i dont mind if i cannot click with her now. I can still sense that she is willing to give me some of her time on that dinner. My parents said that she has changed obviously but that does not mean she can shrug off acquaintances or past childhood frens, Its not good as these people she knew for so long.
But my good parents did not ask me to forget her, instead said that i should keep trying and maintain contact with her cos she is still young. Under certain circumstances (according to their similar expereince of people they knew in life) , she may just start to accomodate me when she gows older. my parents also told me of stories where long lost loves from their kampung days got back together years later and now happily married. In those days they said parents will object to love affairs and people end up forced in arranged marriages
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haha shit happens life goes on.
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
My suggestion is that u come to terms with what is real, lots of changes, of course, she is evolving as a person, so are u, what u accept frees, what u dont binds u,
Holding on to the past is akin to holding a cancelled cheque!
She is merely a psychological hangover (and all u have is merely images in your head) , just like what you expereinced in ns (images) – inner plentitude – mite work , its hard work!These images are like stuck in my mind, but i want to say that they are what drives u in life. U cannot forget things else u will just like a person suffering from amnesia.
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be realistic.
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I have discussed this matter with my parents and they said i was being fair and not unrealistic. They also said that relationships are important and i also should not forget about old friends and aquaintances. Doing so is disrespect for that person, they say.Same goes to her
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i feel sorry for u bro. NS has spoilt or made the lives of many, depending on how one sees it.
people change.....and sometimes one just doesnt figure in another's life any more. Seems like u and her have some difficulty on the chemistry/sparks dept. U may need to work on your skills on humouring the opp gender.
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My parents also told me that the regimental NS life may also have contributed to my emotional problem..Because my mum was actually a student counsellor before, she told me that sometimes unrelated "things" add on to a problem that is inherent in ones self but later manifests itself in a full blown form. In NS i was already depressed as not able to see her. i had images of her being taken away by other guys ect..then came all the b*llshit tekan by the segeants and that add on to a very full blown problem now.
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To think that one knows another is erroneous and refusing to accept what IS. How can you know another? How can you know the man/woman? They are processes, they are not things. The woman/man that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the River; he/she is somebody else, totally different. And the man/woman that you ... with or ... last nightr, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. And you want to choose love? - love cannot be possessed - it can be shared, appreciated - unless one feels alrite holding on do a dead thing - a plastic flower (the images that u are holding on to are dead). Lest, I am miscontrued - i m not discouraging/encouraging but making u try to understand 'matters' that is so oblivious to many confronted with such a predicament.
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The places i hang out, is still there not changed
The bench we sued to sit after school, is still there, its not changed
The tree beside my house is still there, not changed.
my room is still the same, i kept it the same for 6 years because of her. i even took photos of my room before i went to NS to make sure everything is there to remind me of the old days. Its still the same now.
images in our heads are not dead, they are alive. They will be so long our mind and body is alive. When we forget them, we kill them. Not that the are already dead, the we forget them. even then we dont, do u eve forget our loved one who passed away? No, right?
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I do agree when things are concerned - i mean like a chair, furniture - they dont evolve, they are dead! - a person grows up or grows old - its still change, rite/wrong is relative and subjective. Life flows, nothing abides. Only fools go on clinging. If change is the nature of life, then clinging is stupidity, because your clinging is not going to change existence (life). Your clinging is only going to make you miserable. Things are bound to change; whether you cling or not does not matter. If you cling you become miserable: you cling and they change, you feel frustrated. If you don't cling they still change, but then there is no frustration because you were perfectly aware that they are bound to change.
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hmm. i thought during ns, guys usually look tougher, more macho, change their looks to be more ruggard etc?
btw, try not to look at it as she has changed and you are out of her league.
think of it as, she has changed, and she's now a better catch for you.
so, ya.. improve yourself, make over, get a good job, and ask her out!
catch up with coffee, etc.
i mean, u hvn't seen her for ages, surely got alot to talk about! use that to your advantage!
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I honestly do not want to sound cold, but dude. We are just talking about a woman (no offence to the ladies out there as this is true the other way around too), yes you had a bond with her and yes you feel that she is an integral part, but still. She is one woman and life is so much more.
We (all of us) continuously change, one of the reasons I am personally against long distance relationship (had one for 4 years) is that you change independently from one another.
So - my advise to you is slap yourself in the face and realise that all of this is pretty much pointless. Stop chasing her and stop worrying, stop wasting your time and go find the real right one for you.
This is my advise to all my friends who get dumped or depressed (sad) because of the opposite sex. "Fuck it... have a cry, and lets go out. If they were really the right person for you, they would be making you feel this way now would they?"
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last few years, i have never gone out with other girls but always keep thinking abt her.
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Originally posted by phoge:
I honestly do not want to sound cold, but dude. We are just talking about a woman (no offence to the ladies out there as this is true the other way around too), yes you had a bond with her and yes you feel that she is an integral part, but still. She is one woman and life is so much more.
We (all of us) continuously change, one of the reasons I am personally against long distance relationship (had one for 4 years) is that you change independently from one another.
So - my advise to you is slap yourself in the face and realise that all of this is pretty much pointless. Stop chasing her and stop worrying, stop wasting your time and go find the real right one for you.
This is my advise to all my friends who get dumped or depressed (sad) because of the opposite sex. "Fuck it... have a cry, and lets go out. If they were really the right person for you, they would be making you feel this way now would they?"
maybe i think what y are saying is true. sometimes i try to forget by going to cinema on the evenings
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That's why Sg guys tend to end up with younger women who are likely 2 years younger or more.
2 years of NS.
Opportunity cost.
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Originally posted by charlize:
That's why Sg guys tend to end up with younger women who are likely 2 years younger or more.
2 years of NS.
Opportunity cost.
All guys know how much disruption NS costs to our personal lives and one of them is this separation of couples or would be couples. The gals climb up the ladder and we guys are left behind. And many of us suffer from psychological problems and lost our interest to self upgrade.
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Originally posted by charlize:
That's why Sg guys tend to end up with younger women who are likely 2 years younger or more.
2 years of NS.
Opportunity cost.
really! and i thought it's because of the mentality compatibility!
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Originally posted by Nasi lemak in sg is best:
maybe i think what y are saying is true. sometimes i try to forget by going to cinema on the evenings
try going out with friends, talking to people, be sociable :)
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Change is constant. Change will never adapt to your way of life, but you can adapt yourself to change. If you choose to linger, then you are just wasting your time for time waits for no man. You already wasted 2 years in NS, and if you are going to continue wasting your time in waiting, then you will just find yourself looking back in regret years on. Blaming NS will never do you any good.
What I see now is someone who is blaming NS, time, her and everything else for feelings lost 6 years ago. You didn't make use of the chance then to make her your gf, and now, 6 years on, you are lamenting the past. What use is there? I really feel that you should just try and be friends with her again and see how things go. If it doesn't go the way you want it, just let go and move on la. No matter how much you lament or blame, the past will never come back. There is simply no point in holding on. You can revisit the good memories occasionally, yes, but time still passes and tomorrow still comes. You are freezing time in your world when you hold on to those memories, but in reality life goes on! You need to live your present and future, not the past.
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Originally posted by dumbdumb!:
really! and i thought it's because of the mentality compatibility!
You ever heard of this joke:
What's the difference between men and bonds?
Ans: Bonds mature.