Indecisiveness.....
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Hi everyone,
Just got into this forum and have read quite a number of stories and have found a lot of sadness but warmth at the same time from people that spent effort in helping one another out.
I hope to share my story with people here, maybe someone can help me out a little bit before I will get really crashed down by it....
I'm met this guy, i named him as Q when I'm in my poly. Classmate initally but we never talk at all maybe a glance or a smile at times. We never really known until a year later he ask for my number.
At that time, I just broken off with my previous bf. Quite upset at that time because he betrayed me for another girl and did not wished to admit too for his mistake that he has been flirting around.
I caught him 3 times in half a year with another girl clubbing and flirt in front of my presence. But i still forgive him cos I love him too much. Until the very last time, I was working during my vacation, I call him and found him sleeping in a girl's home. So I just initated the breakoff after that with an extreme heart broken moment.
Then comes my current bf H, who is my best friend all along but liked me for a long time too. I didn;t accept him until I really can convince myself that I have forgotten my ex.
We are now together for almost 3 years. In the meantime, as I mention, I got to know Q. I thought we were like normal friends like everyone else, sat together in lecture, study together..
As time passes, the relationship between my bf and I gets down the road, we argue almost every week becuase he has a very bad temper and blow it at me at times. I tried very hard to accept it but then fail.
I do not know it's because that I starting to get tired, or for other reasons as time goes by I found that I fell for Q. I told my bf. He cried and beg me to stay even I like Q and not him. Q at the same time ask me to be with him regardless of my bf...
But then I'm still with my bf, but in my heart, I'm still with Q. Q was heartbroken because I ask him to leave(my purpose was not to hurt him by my indecisiveness but I do not how to make him understand) and then he did not contact nor talk to me anymore. I'm living in deep misery everyday and could only express my depress through work.....
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the reason he ask u to stay is not due to the love for u totally.
guys have ego..and if u leave him ( instead of he leaving u ), it will hurt his ego alot. How he going to tell his friend tat his gf dump him..
pride
watever u do..follow ur heart..think logically, not emotionally.
u must be clear-headed...and determine...if u get to a decision..dont be too soft heartyed to carry it out..it often leads to worse things in the future. -
However, Q doesn't even wished to talk to me I suppose. Because he couldn't think of a way that why I can't leave my bf. And got frustrated when I tried to explain? So does this implies to ego tooo?Originally posted by De|usi0n:the reason he ask u to stay is not due to the love for u totally.
guys have ego..and if u leave him ( instead of he leaving u ), it will hurt his ego alot. How he going to tell his friend tat his gf dump him..
pride
watever u do..follow ur heart..think logically, not emotionally.
u must be clear-headed...and determine...if u get to a decision..dont be too soft heartyed to carry it out..it often leads to worse things in the future. -
i hate to admit but there's alway a better person out there so no point u go from one to another
my advise is choose the current one who love u more -
Did you mentioned that Q got frustrated when you tried to explain things to him? No offence, just an additional question... Don't be humble here... Do you consider yourself quite a physically attractive girl....?Originally posted by quizas:However, Q doesn't even wished to talk to me I suppose. Because he couldn't think of a way that why I can't leave my bf. And got frustrated when I tried to explain? So does this implies to ego tooo?
What's the current life style of Q...? Or more like to say... How was his life style like ever since you left him...? How was his reaction like...?
This could be a case whereby there's negligence on the part of Q and/ or H.... Could also be a case of 'recovery out of selfishness'.... There's no way to really tell for now... Your story's a little too vague...
If all this really bothers you so much, I can offer an ANALYSIS....
Personal advice from the SURFACE now is just to let everything (both parties) go and start your life AFRESH... That's one of the most CLEAR-CUT & EASIEST way... Though not necessarily the best.... -
Perhaps I do not know but then I realise love should be mutual at times.Originally posted by dark_slayer79:i hate to admit but there's alway a better person out there so no point u go from one to another
my advise is choose the current one who love u more
I do not want Q to think that I'm playing games with him and my bf.
I still looking for a way that will be best for the 3 of us.
Sometimes I would blame myself for my presence in life that caused so much pain to others and giving chance to let people I love to hurt me. -
its always like tat when u haf more than 1 choice...if u wanna keep ur bf, kill the idea of being 2gether with the other person..reject him all the way...but pls remember tat if he leave u, u will still be sadden.
Or
u can compare which is better...H or Q, to ur liking.
eg. If u like money, H is richer, than go for H.
but remember that there is also a risk that he may not treasure u in the future.
we can oni tok cause we do not know the whole story, fot the whole story might be too chim or lengthy to understand.
do wat u deem fit and be prepare to be hurt. -
Perhaps I'm humble perhaps I'm not I always think myself as an average girl like anyone maybe comes with a nice personality as many of my friends have mentioned ( I do not know myself whether I'm like how they described)Originally posted by Devil1976:Did you mentioned that Q got frustrated when you tried to explain things to him? No offence, just an additional question... Don't be humble here... Do you consider yourself quite a physically attractive girl....?
What's the current life style of Q...? Or more like to say... How was his life style like ever since you left him...? How was his reaction like...?
This could be a case whereby there's negligence on the part of Q and/ or H.... Could also be a case of 'recovery out of selfishness'.... There's no way to really tell for now... Your story's a little too vague...
If all this really bothers you so much, I can offer an ANALYSIS....
Personal advice from the SURFACE now is just to let everything (both parties) go and start your life AFRESH... That's one of the most CLEAR-CUT & EASIEST way... Though not necessarily the best....
He told me before that he's someone that do not express his feelings so easily but ever since he met me he realised that I could bring him more of what he expected in a relationship and mention perhaps I'm a gift from god to appear in his life.
He's very cheerful in front of me and would always make me laugh.
but ever since things happen he became very quiet and seldom laugh nor share thoughts too. 
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Dear Quizas,Originally posted by quizas:Hi everyone,
Just got into this forum and have read quite a number of stories and have found a lot of sadness but warmth at the same time from people that spent effort in helping one another out.
I hope to share my story with people here, maybe someone can help me out a little bit before I will get really crashed down by it....
I'm met this guy, i named him as Q when I'm in my poly. Classmate initally but we never talk at all maybe a glance or a smile at times. We never really known until a year later he ask for my number.
At that time, I just broken off with my previous bf. Quite upset at that time because he betrayed me for another girl and did not wished to admit too for his mistake that he has been flirting around.
I caught him 3 times in half a year with another girl clubbing and flirt in front of my presence. But i still forgive him cos I love him too much. Until the very last time, I was working during my vacation, I call him and found him sleeping in a girl's home. So I just initated the breakoff after that with an extreme heart broken moment.
Then comes my current bf H, who is my best friend all along but liked me for a long time too. I didn;t accept him until I really can convince myself that I have forgotten my ex.
We are now together for almost 3 years. In the meantime, as I mention, I got to know Q. I thought we were like normal friends like everyone else, sat together in lecture, study together..
As time passes, the relationship between my bf and I gets down the road, we argue almost every week becuase he has a very bad temper and blow it at me at times. I tried very hard to accept it but then fail.
I do not know it's because that I starting to get tired, or for other reasons as time goes by I found that I fell for Q. I told my bf. He cried and beg me to stay even I like Q and not him. Q at the same time ask me to be with him regardless of my bf...
But then I'm still with my bf, but in my heart, I'm still with Q. Q was heartbroken because I ask him to leave(my purpose was not to hurt him by my indecisiveness but I do not how to make him understand) and then he did not contact nor talk to me anymore. I'm living in deep misery everyday and could only express my depress through work.....
I am gald that you read through Aunt Agony and decide to post your problems here, rather than to keep it inside. You spend your effort in typing your essay above - I would spend equal effort in analysising and sorting you out.
The key problems lies within your first jerk ex that you encountered. Seriously speaking, you are better of without him - which is exactly what you did. However, psychologically, you have been affected and it isn't easy to erase or lessen the deep scar that was left on you.
Your best friend, H, likes you, but you say you wouldn't accept him until you can convince yourself that you have forgotten your ex. Firstly...
I) Have you truely erase that ugly scar deep within yourself?
II) If chemistry does exist and you like your best friend, why didn't you accept him last time? Because your Jerk ex was in the picture?
Many a times, when we reject someone's advancement and later when we accept them, we have to look and reflect seriously on ourselves. What gave you the rational to accept him now? I mean forgetting about your jerk ex is only one thing - the main thing is that chemistry really applies in your case? Or are you just accepting it because he loves you so much and the psychological hurt that you have been through tells you that such relation, you can give little and take more? You answer yourself - no need to reply me on this.
See? Always and it always causes it - people who never settle their past feelings, thoughts, etc and come to a proper closure - it affects every single relation later on, in your case, which is so obvious. You found yourself liking Q in the end - because....
Your current relationship is in pretty bad shape, therefore you seek dependance elsewhere? Think about this - you lasted 3 years and is it only recently then this quarrelling thingy started? Or it has been there for the 3 years? Or when finally you discover this inner liking for Q, then it started, but gradually, brewing?
Q admitted his feelings for you and you were affected - shows that you too like him, which you have stated above. He chose to go after you despite about the fact that you already have a boyfriend and like 10 cases I have counselled, 9 cases of such guys will avoid like your case above. In my opinon - even in relationship, one must be good losers - he took the risk and failed, thats his own ego to settle. You did what people would claim as the 'right' thing - not to two time.
Advice?
Since the time when you break off with your jerk ex, you have never take a good solid break to sort out your thinking and feelings. You continued onto relationship after crushes after liking - in which your heart never cease to rest. You are getting tired from your current relation because you the original started chemistry is gone with your current bf, furthermore you heart is screaming for a rest. Think about this, do you seriously think that being together with Q will seriously bring about happiness that neither your past two relation would give and last?
You said this current relation was a drag - what makes you think being with Q wouldn't turn out the same?
You need a good rest, because you absolutely delete whatever mental, heart, resource you have. Indecisiveness was often cause by past actions that ain't completely settled, which sinks into a mode where you always make, or seemed to make the wrong decisions.
Last question for the post: Are you for responsiblity or for love with your current bf?
Prays (I will reply you at night after I come back studying) -
In relationship there no right or wrong only choices mayb Yun right u accpect ur current bf cos u need love that time when u boke up wif ur first bfOriginally posted by quizas:Perhaps I do not know but then I realise love should be mutual at times.
I do not want Q to think that I'm playing games with him and my bf.
I still looking for a way that will be best for the 3 of us.
Sometimes I would blame myself for my presence in life that caused so much pain to others and giving chance to let people I love to hurt me.
Gald you know you cause much pain to others and yourself too
Rem: love yourself above others thought its seem selfish
Love is like a gamble u either win or lose -
I'm so sorry but I have to say it:Originally posted by De|usi0n:its always like tat when u haf more than 1 choice...if u wanna keep ur bf, kill the idea of being 2gether with the other person..reject him all the way...but pls remember tat if he leave u, u will still be sadden.
Or
u can compare which is better...H or Q, to ur liking.
eg. If u like money, H is richer, than go for H.
but remember that there is also a risk that he may not treasure u in the future.
we can oni tok cause we do not know the whole story, fot the whole story might be too chim or lengthy to understand.
do wat u deem fit and be prepare to be hurt.
I don't think love is something you can compare.
It will not be love if it's something that you can count and compare.. -
TOO VAGUE.... Why not you just let it all go and forget about the past...? Sometimes forcing yourself to hang on to things would only DEEPENS your PAIN...?Originally posted by quizas:Perhaps I'm humble perhaps I'm not I always think myself as an average girl like anyone maybe comes with a nice personality as many of my friends have mentioned ( I do not know myself whether I'm like how they described)
He told me before that he's someone that do not express his feelings so easily but ever since he met me he realised that I could bring him more of what he expected in a relationship and mention perhaps I'm a gift from god to appear in his life.
He's very cheerful in front of me and would always make me laugh.
but ever since things happen he became very quiet and seldom laugh nor share thoughts too. -
quizas,
i hate to be making assumptions, but when i read cases like these, i immediately think that when a partner allows him/herself to fall for someone else (opposed to just flirting or eyeing or playing around) then there is something wrong with the (original) relationship.
a similar experience is posted here, where i've posted my opinions at length. i hope u don't mind reading long-winded posts, and also this relates to a guy going thru your problem, but the general theme can be carried thru to your situation. -
and btw quizas, yunhaier has raised a few points which are of paramount importance, especially that "last question for the post" part.
read his post carefully. -
MC² Quote of the day: A Restless heart can never find rest till he/she lets go of the baggage. Else there will be no freedom....
Good night. Hello to Yun and JOhO. Bye. -
I think Q really loves you alot. You said he's the type who finds it hard to open up, and yet he did, to you. But maybe u just disappointed him too already
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I think you should leave both. I think what De|usi0n say is correct. Your boyfriend maybe due to his ego that he ask you to stay. But I think we cannot forget the fact that he may likes you too somehwere deep down there. Mayeb you can try to talk to your guy about his bad temper. Although loving someone is about accepting his evenything including his bad points, but eveyone has his/her limit of tolorence. When you feel that you are tired of the whole thing, that mean it is time to let go and move on. May sound cruel but it is like that. Another that guy who likes you for many year and even ask you to be with him despite your current boyfriend, I think is not that good also. He is either not serious about liking you or he is not gentleman. How can he stop talking to you because you reject him? HE is asking you to make a choice here and he blame you for what you choose. I am a guy also. So I know what guys think. Some of my friends are like that. Very "hua hua".Haha..Originally posted by quizas:Hi everyone,
Just got into this forum and have read quite a number of stories and have found a lot of sadness but warmth at the same time from people that spent effort in helping one another out.
I hope to share my story with people here, maybe someone can help me out a little bit before I will get really crashed down by it....
I'm met this guy, i named him as Q when I'm in my poly. Classmate initally but we never talk at all maybe a glance or a smile at times. We never really known until a year later he ask for my number.
At that time, I just broken off with my previous bf. Quite upset at that time because he betrayed me for another girl and did not wished to admit too for his mistake that he has been flirting around.
I caught him 3 times in half a year with another girl clubbing and flirt in front of my presence. But i still forgive him cos I love him too much. Until the very last time, I was working during my vacation, I call him and found him sleeping in a girl's home. So I just initated the breakoff after that with an extreme heart broken moment.
Then comes my current bf H, who is my best friend all along but liked me for a long time too. I didn;t accept him until I really can convince myself that I have forgotten my ex.
We are now together for almost 3 years. In the meantime, as I mention, I got to know Q. I thought we were like normal friends like everyone else, sat together in lecture, study together..
As time passes, the relationship between my bf and I gets down the road, we argue almost every week becuase he has a very bad temper and blow it at me at times. I tried very hard to accept it but then fail.
I do not know it's because that I starting to get tired, or for other reasons as time goes by I found that I fell for Q. I told my bf. He cried and beg me to stay even I like Q and not him. Q at the same time ask me to be with him regardless of my bf...
But then I'm still with my bf, but in my heart, I'm still with Q. Q was heartbroken because I ask him to leave(my purpose was not to hurt him by my indecisiveness but I do not how to make him understand) and then he did not contact nor talk to me anymore. I'm living in deep misery everyday and could only express my depress through work.....
Anyway think carefully before you make any choice lah. -
I alway tell myself this:
Never go for someone who is attracted cos even if i successfully win her over i'll felt very insecure
if she can leave that guy for my sake what make you think she won't leave me for another -
Originally posted by dark_slayer79:
I am having the same thinking like you:
[b]I alway tell myself this:
Never go for someone who is attracted cos even if i successfully win her over i'll felt very insecure if she can leave that guy for my sake what make you think she won't leave me for another [/b]
If I can leave my current bf for now, I could have done that too to him in the future.
I hope to leave both as what I have thought like every one else that mention this, however in actual life fact, it's not easy to achieve it due to problems etc.
I'll ans Yun question that I really do not know how to differentiate the feeling when it's comes to responsiblilty. I just merely know that I can't make myself hurt anyone. I know how painful it is. -
Should I say that she has a similar situation like me?
Quizas, I understand exactly how you feel..
so don't feel sad...
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By dragging on with the current situation you're gonna hurt all 3 parties for as long as you want it to be (if the 2 other parties are bothered and involved enough..).... THINK about it....Originally posted by quizas:I am having the same thinking like you:
If I can leave my current bf for now, I could have done that too to him in the future.
I hope to leave both as what I have thought like every one else that mention this, however in actual life fact, it's not easy to achieve it due to problems etc.
I'll ans Yun question that I really do not know how to differentiate the feeling when it's comes to responsiblilty. I just merely know that I can't make myself hurt anyone. I know how painful it is.
What 'if I can leave my bf now, I can leave my bf in the future..'...? DON'T WORRY about that kinda thing... You're currently STUCK in your PRESENT SITUATION and you still have TIME for these...? The FUTURE would very often be OVER before you know it....
IF you really can't carry the responsibility then DON'T BOTHER.... I KNOW you're NOT an irresponsible person... Sometimes you think too much only put yourself in dilemma and others in jeopardy....
GIVE yourself some time to think over what you want slowly and carefully and what you can actually (possibly) achieve from various decisions....
I'm WILLING to help you FURTHER... E-mail [email protected] if you're interested...?
REGARDS....