My meaning is this - what spoils the quality is the lack of friendship not love in relationships ( i m assuming u are in one now) .
Jerry, please continue chanting, for the positive.
You problem is that you think too much.
The mind has a great capacity of snowballing thoughts.
Just keep on chanting.
Today will determine how tomorrow will be.
Seems like you are still trashing out yesterday.
Originally posted by Jerry1:
I mean I have been a listening ear to her when we started off as frens.
Yes indeed. You had been her listening ear. One whom she shares her inner most anguish and disappointments from her failed relationships with.
Yet now.. you used all that she shared with you.. against her. What a betrayal !!!
She is a survivor, stronger than you gave her credits for. You can remain in self denial. But the day of reckoning will come, and you will be the one disappointed.
She is one who knows what she wants and how to get it. That's why she is where she is now. Away from the comfort zone back where she originates from.
Do not underestimate a dragon who dares to cross the ocean.
Originally posted by mancha:Jerry, please continue chanting, for the positive.
You problem is that you think too much.
The mind has a great capacity of snowballing thoughts.
Just keep on chanting.
Today will determine how tomorrow will be.
Seems like you are still trashing out yesterday.
Bro mancha,
I've been doing better these days..I've stopped asking her past and she met up with me today..She looks more happy today.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Yes indeed. You had been her listening ear. One whom she shares her inner most anguish and disappointments from her failed relationships with.
Yet now.. you used all that she shared with you.. against her. What a betrayal !!!
She is a survivor, stronger than you gave her credits for. You can remain in self denial. But the day of reckoning will come, and you will be the one disappointed.
She is one who knows what she wants and how to get it. That's why she is where she is now. Away from the comfort zone back where she originates from.
Do not underestimate a dragon who dares to cross the ocean.
I really do not mean to take her for granted and kept on blaming her. I was doing that for quite awhile. But i know that doing it will not help also. I've stopped myself from thinking too much for the past few days.
Originally posted by Jerry1:
I really do not mean to take her for granted and kept on blaming her. I was doing that for quite awhile. But i know that doing it will not help also. I've stopped myself from thinking too much for the past few days.
Good for her !!
Her failed relationship is her own life experience she must endure , so that she may avoid similar pitfalls again in future.
A smart woman like her will know what NOT to do again. She has changed, NOT for you, but for her own benefit.
Aside from her past experience.. if you can actually put it behind you.... she is just another normal gal.
Dear Jojo,
I've actually stopped asking her and whenever I wanna think, I thought of those days when we went to melaka. We were so happy together then.
Originally posted by Forbiddensinner:That is rather direct of her, but on your part, what is your decision?
Would you want to do as she ask or would you want to continue this relationship?
Although she asked to break up because she doesn't want to hurt you any further, the truth is that she is also badly hurt and doesn't want to be hurt any further.
If you still desire to continue on with her, I shall very strongly suggest that you learn how to control what comes out of your mouth. If you think you are unable to do so, or you cannot continue your relationship with her, then put a stop to it. There is no point in hurting both yourself and her any further.
Bro Forbidden,
I've tried hard lately not to hurt her or ask her again on the past issues.
Originally posted by linwei20:Friend, you are writing a composition man.. Haha!
If you are not here to help, then do not come here and mock.
Originally posted by Jerry1:
Bro Forbidden,
I've tried hard lately not to hurt her or ask her again on the past issues.
Trying hard is not enough, You MUSTN"T hurt her like this again.
Jojo gave a very good point, which I didn't realise too until now. You are using what she confides in you against her, and that is a very cruel thing to do.
From what you have said thus far, I assume that you would still want to carry on your relationship with her. If that is the case, start having faith in her for a change. Be more than a listening ear to her, be the knight in shining armour which she wishes for, the one who will truly love and protect her.
Bro Forbidden,
I know I am too much to use that against her when she already suffered herself already. This is the 4 day I stopped asking her and she seems more happy. I will have to slowly rebuilt my faith for her but I will keep away from saying about her past.
Originally posted by im4ginary:Hi, I didn't read throught all of your previous threads but I think the gist of those are about the same as this one?
Well, of course we've all established that her ex-husband, "A" and "B" aren't all that good.
Nevertheless, IMHO, your gf sounds like someone who is very erm... should I say vulnerable, in a not so good way, because she seems to allow it to happen and continue or for some reason never seems to learn from her own mistakes. If she is sensible enough (and I mean this with no offence), then she would not even have associated with "B", knowing that he is "A"'s brother. Maybe I am too "close minded" but as a gal, that would be what I would have done if I were in such a situation. Actually, the fact that she allowed herself to be together with "A" even though he already had a gf (their "so-so" relationship aside), well, I don't know what it says about her morals, obviously not many would think well of her. She got into what she got into with "A" and only later realised that he wouldn't have time to spend with her, how much time exactly is she expecting from someone whom she already know is attached? And pardon me to say that it's kind of naive to think that "A" would dump his gf to be with her (also should have considered the fact that his previous relationships all lasted so short).
I do not understand how is it possible for her to say that she's afraid to lose you and yet said to break up now because she doesn't want to see you depressed because of her. It's just too contradicting. If she really spared a thought for your feelings and is really sincere about the relationship with you, why doesn't she reflect on her own attitude towards life, and think of what she can possibly do to further reassure or prove herself to you (besides all that swearing that she is a changed person) instead? Of course I know such things are easy to say, and my opinion is just as a 3rd party and outsider.
So, sorry to say that I don't actually have a very good impression of your gf because of how she seems to put herself out there. She seems to make herself too available to men. And when I say too available, it doesn't necessarily have to mean for sex or relationships. I get the impression that she is someone who just needs to be emotionally dependant on men. She probably does not really understand what it really means to love someone when it seems that she doesn't even seem to love herself (�自爱), which is a totally different meaning than selfishness, which I feel that this is what she is. If I were in your position I probably would not know how to trust her especially when she says things like she has changed, etc. From what you describe about her marriage, and then "A", she develops the idea about dropping the relationship so easily because it seems like it's the easiest way out? And now she's saying about breaking up to you also...
If you feel that you cannot trust her, and if you are always going to be thinking about her past and find it difficult to accept, or you feel that you probably don't have the patience to give her the time to prove her sincerity (in which case I feel would be a long term thing), then yes, I too feel that there is no point that you continue with her. If you do decide that you want to still be with her, then what I can suggest is not to allow her access to your possessions (eg. finances) so easily until you feel more at ease and these problems gradually stop replaying in your head.
I hope none of my words are offensive in anyway because I do not have such intentions and I apologise if you do feel offended. Nevertheless, good luck!
On another note, I think it was quite rude of you to read through her MSN logs. It's an invasion of privacy and sometimes you'll never know if you come across something you wish you'd never seen =)
I know wat u are saying. But till now I feel that she is a person with principles. She never ask me for expensive gifts or anything like that.
Jerry,
All that you are going thru - is not because of her but cos you are insecure - fix that,eg. like loving yourself more (that is having a POROUS ego) and sharing what u are. Otherwise, what may across as sharing to you in actuality is a bargain, a compromise.
Originally posted by Fugazzi:Jerry,
All that you are going thru - is not because of her but cos you are insecure - fix that,eg. like loving yourself more (that is having a POROUS ego) and sharing what u are. Otherwise, what may across as sharing to you in actuality is a bargain, a compromise.
Fugazzi,
I do admit that I am quite insecure. I will worry sometimes over small things..
Jerry, what do you like about her and why did you accept her to become your gf? Is she a very pretty girl to you? attractive to you in many respects? These may need to be the very foundational aspects of which you will build your relationship on, if you want to continue - you'd have to forgive her of her past and move on, just focus on what attracts you about her in the 1st place.
Originally posted by spade1:Jerry, what do you like about her and why did you accept her to become your gf? Is she a very pretty girl to you? attractive to you in many respects? These may need to be the very foundational aspects of which you will build your relationship on, if you want to continue - you'd have to forgive her of her past and move on, just focus on what attracts you about her in the 1st place.
Spade, I like her because she is not fussy about things. She can continue using a worn and torn bag until i decide to buy one for her. She can also endure eating cheap stuffs and does not keep asking u to bring her go restaurants etc. We can joke around just like 2 jesters playing around.
Originally posted by Jerry1:
Spade, I like her because she is not fussy about things. She can continue using a worn and torn bag until i decide to buy one for her. She can also endure eating cheap stuffs and does not keep asking u to bring her go restaurants etc. We can joke around just like 2 jesters playing around.
as I have told you before, she is a very simple girl.
Such girls are really hard to find, and despite her past, you should treasure her well.
Originally posted by Forbiddensinner:as I have told you before, she is a very simple girl.
Such girls are really hard to find, and despite her past, you should treasure her well.
Bro Forbidden,
I've stopped asking her stuffs and think lesser for the past 1 week and things seems better now.
However, I need to clear some issues before I go.
My gf also told me that she nearly got into relationships with a couple of married men she knew from the net after she was being sacked from that company. She told me that she was really really sad that time and she needed someone to care about her. Those guys kept on telling her that they have problems in the marriage so that is why they are there in some online dating sites. But my gf says that she had no intention to break off people's family, just that all the guys that care about her during then was all married. Those men also backed out in the end themselves. She decided not to get together with any of them after hearing advices from her friends and family. She told me that she knew she was really selfish and I asked her whether will she be sad if her future husband were to find another women outside. She told me that she will be very "sad" if her husband really does that and she will not have such thinking in the future. I do not know whether she got any moral issues or she is really sad that time thus causing her to think like that? Thanks.
Originally posted by Jerry1:
Bro Forbidden,I've stopped asking her stuffs and think lesser for the past 1 week and things seems better now.
However, I need to clear some issues before I go.
My gf also told me that she nearly got into relationships with a couple of married men she knew from the net after she was being sacked from that company. She told me that she was really really sad that time and she needed someone to care about her. Those guys kept on telling her that they have problems in the marriage so that is why they are there in some online dating sites. But my gf says that she had no intention to break off people's family, just that all the guys that care about her during then was all married. Those men also backed out in the end themselves. She decided not to get together with any of them after hearing advices from her friends and family. She told me that she knew she was really selfish and I asked her whether will she be sad if her future husband were to find another women outside. She told me that she will be very "sad" if her husband really does that and she will not have such thinking in the future. I do not know whether she got any moral issues or she is really sad that time thus causing her to think like that? Thanks.
No moral issues here. But she probably will not be able to trust men 100% ever.
Originally posted by jojobeach:No moral issues here. But she probably will not be able to trust men 100% ever.
I know Jojo, she told me that she lost all faith in love when i first met her.
But i still puzzled on how come she nearly wanna get into relationships with married men. But luckily those men backed out and she also decided not to after thinking properly and advise from frens and family.
Has it ever occurred to u that u seem to be so lacking in security that u are doubting and wondering as to your so-called friend's intentions.
Frankly, even if u were to marry her - it won't go away. I would if i cannot cope with all these shitty thoughts. i wont blame her and i make a gracious exit and correct and unlearn my silly ways.
I m not asking u to decide - this is u and all i m asking is that u look at yourself and understand yourself.
I always mention in my threads to so many here and that is that beggarly love has nothing to offer, nothing to share - all the giving is only to get back or hoping to get back.
The reason why so many relationships derail or become a cumbersome trip - is cos two persons lacking in self- love, et to know each other and confuse needs n expectations as love and sell themselves, delude themselves.
If love causes misery to another - know this lah - it is not love but sth else masquerading as love.
Jerry, if u are miserable - its unfair to make another also!
I know what u mean Fugazzi,
I know that to love means not to expect anything in return and not calculated evenly. But I am dealing with it quite well, however there are some issues that I need to deal with currently.