To love or be loved?

Love is a v subjective thing. There are no rights and wrongs. Its all about what is your personal perception. What do you hope to get or achieve? Is it companionship or fun or etc. Do u want to be someone's Pillar of strength and Support or to have someone to lean on completely or both?

It is easy to fall in love but hard to get the spark going. All things seem beatiful when u r in love. But it comes apart, when differences set in.

Whichever girl you choose, remember to choose wisely and not impulsively. Best if the girl shares the same interest, personality and character. Because Love is not just a one time affair but a continuous effort by 2 willing parties.

If u are looking for excitement and the unknown, suggest u look at C.

Love is like a box of Chocolate. U never know what u are getting yourslef into until u r actually in it.

A big thankyou to you guys who had provided invaluable advice

Originally posted by Fugazzi:

kristovorus,

By that i mean that nobody want to be reduced to a 'thing' (hence the word 'anything') to be used and put aside when no longer needed. It demeans the humanity of the other or another.

PS: Another way of intrepreting the above is - it is ugly to use the word 'love' but in actuality one (has only needs, expectations) n is using the other as a means to one's own selfish end(s). eg, security, money, happiness  n so on so forth.

ah yes.. i understand what you're saying now. Yea i agree with that, it seems to me that there is no such thing as love, but rather a complex web of interdependence and needs. When the initial flames die down seldom does one continue to like what they see.

'Whichever girl you choose, remember to choose wisely and not impulsively. Best if the girl shares the same interest, personality and character. Because Love is not just a one time affair but a continuous effort by 2 willing parties.'

Yea.. totally agree. However.. i realised that eventually i ran out of things to talk to her ( a person who did share the same interest, personality and character ).. and stopped. Probably broke her heart when she realised that the person who understood her the best in the world simply..  isn't.. interested.. in her anymore. Something i totally hate myself for, but i just cant bring myself to continue to give her any false impressions either.

perhaps i just suck at intepreting my own emotions and didnt realise the difference between good friends and romantic interest

U say : intepreting my own emotions ...

The 'problem' or it becomes one when one intreprets the 'clouds' for the sky. In this instance, whether it is intrepretation/misinterpretation does not matter. It is still intrepreting!

 One can never be rid of nor control 'one's emotions (clouds). The anguish/anxiety/anger ....(add on), is not from the circumstance/event/situation but cos of the identification with that particular emotion and reacting from what has been identified and accumulated in one's memory bank (the mind).

Also, trying to control is unhealthy and unwise -at most one is merely suppressing or one pursues 'sth' else to distract oneself or suppress it. It's relegated to one's 'memory' bank or if u will, the subconscious - it will sooner or later erupt like a volcano!

However, when one acknowledges, understands, accepts and knows ( n being cognizant) that all emotions are akin to the 'passing clouds' and behind the clouds is the real me (the clear sky) one can handle oneself differently.

PS : The emotion is the 'movie' (it passes n ends like all movies do) and the 'screen' is the real thing. Just watching the emotions and being aware that it is there n not impulsively acting on it will eventually transform one and by that i mean inner  transformation.

Ya, quite a delimma. I might choose to be loved. To the guy I love, I give him all my blessing. Sometimes benediction is a form of love...

benediction - gift of love?

i'm sure there are better models of love out there.  thank god the earth is inhabited by billions of people not just 1 or 2 disillusioned folks

good luck TS

which one most chio?

"love" is all about physical attraction

All of the above.

Originally posted by kristovorus:

i know that there no absolute in such matters.. but i would like to hear from a different perspective.

Say theres A , B and C

A loves you alot, but you dont really love A that much; more of a platonic love
You love B alot, but B doesnt really love you. but is still willing to accept you

And then theres C, which is an unknown but stands a small but significant chance of being the true soulmate you've been looking for

My question is.. which is better?  To spend you life with someone who loves you , or with someone you love?
Or to take a bold step into the unknown?

on another related but distinct issue,

I may not have lived for long, but I'm already quite dis-illusioned by the concept of love. Quite frequently i've been hearing of marriage problems and stuff. It seems like " i love you " now has an expiry date attached to it. Recently my father got a mistress, and it seems like my parents are divorcing. Now i'm quite worried about myself because the guys in my family seems to have a propensity to being fickle ( my grandfather's another one )

I am admittedly quite fickle-minded, which is something i want to change. Its like.. i like a girl.. then i chase her. But somewhere just before she falls for me, i have a change of heart due to perhaps perceived flaws or circumstances. Then i'm stuck with a girl who likes me but i do not anymore. I feel like a bastard and nowofdays i dont bother to act on my feelings anymore, just bury them deep and wait for the likings/crushes to pass.

What should i do? :(

 Let me point to you the discrepancy in your thoughts -

You claimed that your grandfather is promiscuous. Then you discovered that your dad is like that too. And now, you begin to believe that you are showing signs of it, in which you concluded that you are also fickle-minded and could potentially be a promiscuous person, just like your dad and grandfather. 

So what you are suggesting is that being promiscuous is hereditary or there is probably some kind of 'promiscuous' genes in your family. This is totally spurious and irrational.

It's not the propensity of being fickle, but the insecurity that manifest and disguise itself behind the reason of fickle-mindedness.

Your behaviour is not uncommon - it is a defensive mechanism provided by your emotions to reduce your immediate risk by having to cut the amount of emotional investment you will actively seek to invest in somebody once you have unconsciously decided that you have done enough to secure her affection.

The change of heart is a methodology to protect yourself, caused by the subconscious insecurity that is insidiously present in your life. Witnessing failing relationship around you reinforced this insecurity - the more your reality corroborate with the findings you have inevitable concluded, the worst this insecurity will eat into you.

This will manifest into a real issue in the future, if you do not have the self awareness to perceive and effectively address this rot.

Having witnessed failing marriage, even between your parents, does not mean that yours is going to end up like that. This self fulfilling prophesy driven by fear and paranoia will eventually become your failure in relationship. It has nothing to do with the frailty nature of relationship, but rather, the biased conceptualization which you have inevitably cramp yourself into.

Surely, you can always try to escape before you can settle yourself and commit to a particular person, but you will never be able to grasp the lesson of commitment until you have manage your insecurity. 

P:S If you want to learn about love, be prepared to take some risk in getting hurt and shed some tears - it's part of the growing up process in love.

Cheers   

Originally posted by PedoBear:

which one most chio?

"love" is all about physical attraction

Then how is your parents physically attracted to you? *Rolls eyes.

Unless you are telling me they don't love you.

TS, you are not ready for a stable relationship yet. So please let the three of the poor girls go before you break their heart even more later. What you should do now is focus on other things in life besides love, I am sure bgr-love isn't the only factor in your life right now. 

so i'm suppose to be E, F, or G?

Whoa.. didnt login for quite a while.

haha thanks gikiwiki!

Yunhaier: thank you so much for such an elaborate answer, yea i think i realised the relationship between the "fickleness" and "Defensive mechanism". Once in a while i'll be like oh crap i'm crushing on this girl. then i'll plug it out by spending more time with someone else.

I've never really dared to chase a girl before. Like really keep on even after the initial "no" .  Guess i was too scared.

However i would like to clarify about the promiscuity part. It is a statistical fact that people from broken families due to this reason is at much higher risk of suffering from failed marriages too. Which, i think u did explain in the later part of your answer too.

Actually I havent been thinking much about this issue, been preparing for my examinations. (alevels this year. yea i know i should be studying instead of thinking about such stuff)

Forbiddensinner: well everyone wants to love and be loved; was just wondering why its so difficult for me :)

limppper: pardon me? lol

option D lah.

be with someone u love and who loves u in return.

if don't have then go down the narcissistic route with option N, love thyself!

Be self-full lar as opposed to being selfish. BIG difference. u wont be begging for love. Be an emperor - to give  to share ur love.

Of course, u have to have it first lar!