troubled
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lindy,
After the one night stand.. why they no longer TOGETHER ?
Is she still in contact with him ? If no, then you need to let the past be the past lor.
One day you will also have a "past" of your own that you will not be proud of. Are you going to let your past become a hinderance to your future ? No right ?
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
lindy,
After the one night stand.. why they no longer TOGETHER ?
Is she still in contact with him ? If no, then you need to let the past be the past lor.
One day you will also have a "past" of your own that you will not be proud of. Are you going to let your past become a hinderance to your future ? No right ?
I second that. By him willing to divulge his past to you, it means that he is really being honest with you and he wants no secrets between the both of you. And sadly, not many men are like that. And if you can't accept his past, then why did you accept him in the first place? Put yourself in his shoes and spare a thought for him... -
jojo:
They werent together in the first place. He did it before i got to know him. He was very curious and also under peer pressure during his army, he decided to try it out for once. And he did keep to it. He did not contact her already.
yup, i understand that the past is the past moreover when he did that, he did not even knew me then. im trying to get over it.
but saying is easy, achieving it is hard.
i wish to get some advice on how to stop thinking about it. sigh..
wanderer:
I understand your point that by willing to tell me all his dark secrets, he is really serious about being with me. I can feel that. and i agree that not many guys are like that nowadays. i really appreciate his honesty to me.
i accepted him because at that time i thought i could accept it. Moreover, at that time, i didnt really think about that issue until when we get to know each other more and the love builds up, i realised i start to mind about that issue ALOT.
im trying to understand. But i just couldnt get rid of thinking about it. i keep imagining them being intimate and it really hurts me.
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Coffeelindy
Why did yr bf tell u intimate detail about his past? Did he said about his purpose for telling u that?
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initially he only briefly tell me that he once did that.
but, i got so emotional, i keep asking about what actually did they do together.
i told him i keep imagining and thinking about what they could possible have done...
so, he decided to tell me everything rather than me thinking about the worst (like imagining things they never did... e.g. kissing or holding hands or hugging..i initially tot they did but they never)
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Like u said, it's his past......learn to let go of them
cheers -
oh well tks :)
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?
if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?
when i got together with my bf, he told me everything about his past. i thought i could bear with it, but as time goes by, i start to mind alot of the things he did.
he had one night stand with a stranger. it may be common for people nowadays, but being a conservative person, i find it intolerable. needless to say, i am very affected by this unchangable fact.
He explained to me he did it out of pure curiosity. It was his first time doing it and the last. he claimed he did not enjoy it at all even though his 'erhem' felt good. i cannot believe. After seeing a woman naked, fondling her breasts, doing 'it' with her, and later chat with her on the bed with her being naked and also at the same time squeezing her breasts...and later still went to have supper together and back to the hotel and stayed until morning. So much time together and having such intimate actions...is it really possible not to be attracted to her at all? even not to her body alone? i really dont believe.... and i have been bothered by this constantly....
Anyone can suggest how can i overcome this? i really need help.
Hi Coffeelindy,
Loving someone technically means that one is able to accept everything about his or her past and not mind it at all. But to be truthful to you, that is something which very few people can do. Thus, most people choose to not think about it and let the past be.
This applies not only to your other half, but also to everyone around you. Sometimes, deep inside your heart, there is a tiny part of you unwilling to forgive that person for what he or she did in the past. Hence, if you are unable to cleanse this tiny part of your heart, the next best thing you can do is to bury it, unless you wish to carry this grudge or unhappiness with you around all the time.
The present moment is a time of utmost importance for you - You must decide whether you will want to let the past be and continue this relationship, or you will rather end it here because you are unable to let go.
Please do pardon me for saying so, but do remember, if you are to end your relationship here and now, your time with your current other half will become part of your "history" as well.
Cheers.
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Before you were together with him, its acceptable. but not while you're are together.
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?
if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?
when i got together with my bf, he told me everything about his past. i thought i could bear with it, but as time goes by, i start to mind alot of the things he did.
he had one night stand with a stranger. it may be common for people nowadays, but being a conservative person, i find it intolerable. needless to say, i am very affected by this unchangable fact.
He explained to me he did it out of pure curiosity. It was his first time doing it and the last. he claimed he did not enjoy it at all even though his 'erhem' felt good. i cannot believe. After seeing a woman naked, fondling her breasts, doing 'it' with her, and later chat with her on the bed with her being naked and also at the same time squeezing her breasts...and later still went to have supper together and back to the hotel and stayed until morning. So much time together and having such intimate actions...is it really possible not to be attracted to her at all? even not to her body alone? i really dont believe.... and i have been bothered by this constantly....
Anyone can suggest how can i overcome this? i really need help.
You are experiencing disequilibrium in managing your beliefs against this new input forced into your thoughts. Your difficulty stem from having to reconcile these two different set of values into a harmonious equation. Unless there is a shift of perception (or adoption of some newly constructed ones) - you will behave/react/feel in a way as if your boyfriend has cheated on you, which is of course detrimental to the growth of your love.Personally, I do not think it's wise to share events that occurred in the past, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't value add the relationship. Some people think that they are being 100% open about themselves, but that's terrible one-sided because no matter what we think we have communicated, we are never 100% open. (Some people intentionally communicate such information, but that is another topic altogether and I won't touch on that here).
The other side of the coin (which is the greater evil) is that there are even more people who can't handle certain 'truth', even if it's in the past. I will explain a little: it's paramount that we maintain an open honest relationship with our current love. However the catch is that this responsibility only covers our current relationship - it doesn't mean that we should regress and extend this coverage into the past - ad infinitum.
The goal of love should always be forward looking - in regression, we could only seek to achieve little.
My lecturer once told me that when he was younger, he smoke pot - once. He doesn't like it and still grows up like any other law-bidding citizen in the country. Having to experiment it once doesn't make him a drug addict. You see, many people get into fights, steal or do stupid things when they are younger, but that doesn't necessary mean that they are potential violent murderers/robbers/thief (of course, unless the behaviour is reinforced in regular negative pattern and conditioned by their environment) because if so, most of us are in fact criminals.
We need to consider the component of a person's ability to evolve themselves, especially if it's just a one time off. Of course, this principle is less reliable if your boyfriend has history of engaging in ONS as compared to a one time off situation.
You are definitely entitled to your own beliefs and feelings. Just that, with all that focus onto his past, you could have spend that same deal of energy into making this relationship meaningful for the both of you.
Having a deontology belief, imho, does not relate to every case.
Cheers
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This kind of ppl think with his dickhead la.
If you can satisfied his sexual needs, im sure he won't have one night stands anyone.
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Originally posted by gunner77:
This kind of ppl think with his dickhead la.
If you can satisfied his sexual needs, im sure he won't have one night stands anyone.
are all guys like that? i mean the hornyness of guys is just their nature and it cant be helped? :(if i have to satisfy him so that he will behave himself, then i would rather leave him.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: You are experiencing disequilibrium in managing your beliefs against this new input forced into your thoughts. Your difficulty stem from having to reconcile these two different set of values into a harmonious equation. Unless there is a shift of perception (or adoption of some newly constructed ones) - you will behave/react/feel in a way as if your boyfriend has cheated on you, which is of course detrimental to the growth of your love.
Personally, I do not think it's wise to share events that occurred in the past, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't value add the relationship. Some people think that they are being 100% open about themselves, but that's terrible one-sided because no matter what we think we have communicated, we are never 100% open. (Some people intentionally communicate such information, but that is another topic altogether and I won't touch on that here).
The other side of the coin (which is the greater evil) is that there are even more people who can't handle certain 'truth', even if it's in the past. I will explain a little: it's paramount that we maintain an open honest relationship with our current love. However the catch is that this responsibility only covers our current relationship - it doesn't mean that we should regress and extend this coverage into the past - ad infinitum.
The goal of love should always be forward looking - in regression, we could only seek to achieve little.
My lecturer once told me that when he was younger, he smoke pot - once. He doesn't like it and still grows up like any other law-bidding citizen in the country. Having to experiment it once doesn't make him a drug addict. You see, many people get into fights, steal or do stupid things when they are younger, but that doesn't necessary mean that they are potential violent murderers/robbers/thief (of course, unless the behaviour is reinforced in regular negative pattern and conditioned by their environment) because if so, most of us are in fact criminals.
We need to consider the component of a person's ability to evolve themselves, especially if it's just a one time off. Of course, this principle is less reliable if your boyfriend has history of engaging in ONS as compared to a one time off situation.
You are definitely entitled to your own beliefs and feelings. Just that, with all that focus onto his past, you could have spend that same deal of energy into making this relationship meaningful for the both of you.
Having a deontology belief, imho, does not relate to every case.
Cheers
i really appreciate your words of advice and analysis :) thanks!
what you said about putting two sets of values together into a harmonious equation is very true.
i feel like its a blow to my expectations of him being a good bf. He is very very good to me. But yet there is this other side of him that i find it really hard to accept. No doubt its his past, but haiz...
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Can one truly handle the truth?
Somethings of the past is best left unsaid, espacially experiences that evokes painful emotions upon another, when in relationships, so long as the past is dead and buried, vowed never to be resurrected, a slate wiped clean, the beginning of a new journey and a new life...
It seems you cant handle the truth. Then walk away, and may you find a pure virgin, a perfection and a mirror image of yourself to love...
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
Can one truly handle the truth?
Somethings of the past is best left unsaid, espacially experiences that evokes painful emotions upon another, when in relationships, so long as the past is dead and buried, vowed never to be resurrected, a slate wiped clean, the beginning of a new journey and a new life...
It seems you cant handle the truth. Then walk away, and may you find a pure virgin, a perfection and a mirror image of yourself to love...
yes i cant handle the truth..
i wished i could just let go and leave him..but... :(either ways i will feel painful...
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
are all guys like that? i mean the hornyness of guys is just their nature and it cant be helped? :(if i have to satisfy him so that he will behave himself, then i would rather leave him.
Not all guys are like that. Different guys have different sexual needs.Yes, i would rather you leave him and find someone else better.
Actually, I dont even know how the hell both of you are together.
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if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?
Yes
if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?
Yes.
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
yes i cant handle the truth..
i wished i could just let go and leave him..but... :(either ways i will feel painful...
Ask one no questions of the past..and he will tell you no lies...
Truth at times can be painful, but it will set you free, for within you lies the freedom of choice. Once that informed choice is made, there must be no regrets, or even more pain of the 'what ifs' will crash you like a raging tide upon a rocky shore...
To continue on, is to live with a truth you cannot live with. To leave..is another truth you cannot live with. Thus your confusion and hesitation, a decision you are in reality, not matured enough to make..That truth will always gnaw at your mind if you continue on, inhibiting you, preventing you to love him totally, imagining past scenes, feeling dirty each time he touches you physically...
To leave, you will fear losing something that you cherish and treasure, for he is a good man, and that you may never find another like him..
Think not only about your feelings, but think about his feelings too. The knife of truth stabs and remains painfully deep in your heart, and will only cause you to quietly distance yourself from him and his intimacy towards you. He too, will feel hurt by your distance and withdrawal.
Both of you will be in pain. You by the truth, and him, by revealing it to you. Unfortunately, the truth once spoken, cannot be wiped away. Walk away, and let time and distance heal, and to find love, with each other again or with another, then to live now close to each other in pain and misery....
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A little upgrade to your advise....
If you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?
Yes,....... BUT MAKE SURE HE DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?
Yes......... BUT DOESN'T MEAN HE IS NOT WORTH LOVING.
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
s i cant hdle the truth..
i wished i could just let go and leave him..but... :(either ways i will feel painful...
You can't change his past, but you can shape your own future.
This must be your first relationship with a guy ? Most newbies make the same mistake as you.
Next time, make sure the guy is a virgin before you go into a relationship with him. And ensure he meets your other requirements which are important to you.
Choosing a guy for a relationship is like buying a house.
We all live and learn. It's either you dump him or you make lemonades out of lemons.
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wonders bout lil dogs n cats.
keep a cat or dog.teeches ya there are better things n meaning in life then squeezing and destroying breasts.
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haha.. it isnt just his "past" that is eating at u....
it that fact that he aint a virgin but yet had ur cherry that is troubling u....
mayb u shd try getting urself some cherry b4 getting into a r/s with this guy... that way... both of u can started off on even ground....
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Originally posted by Coffeelindy:
yes i cant handle the truth..
i wished i could just let go and leave him..but... :(either ways i will feel painful...
Hi Coffeelindy,
Since you have already come to the conclusion that you are unable to accept his past, you will only be bringing more unhappiness to yourself in this relationship by letting it be, and you will also be fooling your boyfriend into thinking that the two of you will have a bright future together.
It is painful to let go of him now, but it will be better to do so than to let the unhappiness build up gradually within yourself, which will also eventually lead to the same ending later. You must also understand that it is unfair to him too, to be together with you in a downward sliding relationship without realising it himself.
I sincerely hope that you will make the right choice.
Cheers.