Clueless?
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Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.
I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.
Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.
When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.
Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.
He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.
But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.
I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?
Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?
PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.
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Is your bf under a lot of pressure lately ?
Is your bf suffering from depression ?
Most men who are blissful in a relationship tends to put on weight.
But sloppiness is another problem altogether.
Is there a reason why he is not putting effort to remain physically attractive to you ?
Does he thinks you really don't mind being intimate with an unattractive person ?
What about you ? Are you in good shape too ?
Ask him what will he do, if you become fat ugly and lazy ? Will he stay by your side nevertheless ?
Sometimes a man is not mature enough to engage in introspection. Turn the table on him so he may see a reflection of himself in the mirror.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.
I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.
Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.
When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.
Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.
He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.
But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.
I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?
Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?
PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.
The highlight part are few of the things that may cause the problem. He is too contented and the way he puts thing also show a bit of naive and immaturity of himself. Just becos he got himself a gf already. He has no obligation to keep fit? Keep fit is for his own personal health, no only for image purpose.Next time when u always go out, u shall start commenting how fit other guys look. Those hollywood hunk poster, how they appear. And u tell him directly to him. How u admire them so much.
Tell him. U will start to leave him for another heathier and hunky guy no becos he went out of shape. Tell him he will decide to leave him one day becos u don't want to live with a irresponsible guy who don't know how to take care of himself in health and make other worry for him.
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Is your bf kind of busy with his work??
I think its okay if your boyfriend is not extremely fat or what. Sometimes, a person is really busy until really got no time to keep fit. You must understand that.
But then fat is fat, but at least your bf should keep his appearance neat, like shave, cut his hair, cut his nails. I wonder if he ever baths before coming out to meet ya..
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im also that kind who is lazy to keep fit.
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HMM.dump him.
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"Is your bf under a lot of pressure lately ?
Is your bf suffering from depression ?
Most men who are blissful in a relationship tends to put on weight.
But sloppiness is another problem altogether.
Is there a reason why he is not putting effort to remain physically attractive to you ?
Does he thinks you really don't mind being intimate with an unattractive person ?
What about you ? Are you in good shape too ?
Ask him what will he do, if you become fat ugly and lazy ? Will he stay by your side nevertheless ?
Sometimes a man is not mature enough to engage in introspection. Turn the table on him so he may see a reflection of himself in the mirror."
He is not suffering frim depression! He is the take it easy everyday chill kind who doesn't think much. Compared to other guys he puts in little effort to groom himself. Not the vain kind.
He will make it a point to shower, brush his teeth, trim his nails, use deodorant before meeting me. Cos when he doesn't, I get upset. Last time he will do it religiously but these days he doesn't do it as much.
Really not sure why he is not putting in effort to maintain himself. When I reverse the situation and ask if it will upsets him if I turn fat and ugly one day he said he would not. In fact he will feel much more secure if his girlfriend is unkempt and unattractive because in that way I will not leave him due to limited options. I think he was joking when he said that. Don't really know how to differentiate between joke or serious comment though I believe him when he said he would not leave me. His previous girlfriend was quite fat and he did not mind.
I am not in excellent shape but I am not overweight or whatsoever. Just average looking but he considers me a very hygienic person.
PS: When I suggest he play sports with his friends he says he is too busy keeping me company and entertaining me to be with them which is quite true. I take up quite a bit of his personal time but still we could exercise together! Not always eat when we are on a date!
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"The highlight part are few of the things that may cause the problem. He is too contented and the way he puts thing also show a bit of naive and immaturity of himself. Just becos he got himself a gf already. He has no obligation to keep fit? Keep fit is for his own personal health, no only for image purpose.
Next time when u always go out, u shall start commenting how fit other guys look. Those hollywood hunk poster, how they appear. And u tell him directly to him. How u admire them so much.
Tell him. U will start to leave him for another heathier and hunky guy no becos he went out of shape. Tell him he will decide to leave him one day becos u don't want to live with a irresponsible guy who don't know how to take care of himself in health and make other worry for him."
I suspect one of the reasons why he is so slack is because he also knows I will never break up with him?
Not very nice to point out about other guys, sometimes when we go out I look in a particular direction he will ask if I am ogling at guys which I am not. This will hurt his feelings, it is basic respect for him. If I don't want him to stare and drool at chio bus I should not do the same to him. I will try the hollywood poster tactic today. But I can forsee he will ask me whether I will dump him because he is fat, I will eventually have to say no. If I say yes he will show a disappointed puppy face until I reassure him I won't.
Haf always been telling him hygiene is important in maintaining well being. Sometimes I tell him the reason why he fall sick so easily could also be because of hygiene. I really dread having to bring this up again cos it makes me feel like his mother and I dislike that.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.
I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.
Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.
When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.
Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.
He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.
But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.
I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?
Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?
PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.
Before I begin, I suggest that he do a medical checkup to ensure that he is minimally healthy. If his health is deteriorating, it might be a sign of other health problems. ***
One weakness in the process of dating is almost like being subjected to some carefully crafted marketing campaign urging you to purchase the product/s. The fact of the matter is that it often conceals the flaws of the product you are being marketed to and it remains hidden until you have bought the goods and review them personally. Some guys often employ the modus operandi to upsell themselves - the promise of a brand that they think it would assist them to achieve a better positioning, but this upkeep cannot sustain itself simply because 'they are not like that.' If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew. It will reveal in the relationship as you lead your love, in which I believe you are currently experiencing it now.
However, when we evaluate a relationship, we should always look at it from a holistic point of view. But we can only achieving this in a meaningful way only if we are brutally honest with ourselves. I do not believe that if one sees value in certain physical aspects of a person and that immediately makes him/her shallow. Because values are highly relative to our developmental pathway in life and because they are subjective, the morality of what makes a 'good' or 'bad' value in love will never come to an univocal agreement or definition that is universal.
The only note about values is that it is the association which our values are projected to manifest. For example, if you deemed that being fat is a negative trait, it is because you associate this trait with a group of related negative attributes (lazy/sloppy = lack drive = lack of ambition and self improvement, etc. Note that I am purely giving a random example and I am not explicitly stating that being fat absolutely have all of these traits).
Therefore what you are being turned off is more than just he 'being fat' but rather, by default, you might not be attracted to mates with such associated attributes. Therefore, I am establishing the point that one cannot be deemed as superficial just because our values are different.
I would like you to consider two thoughts:
i) If you have the intention to 'see the greater picture' and decide to compromise on your personal values of what you reckon as a suitable mate in view of a harmonious relationship, then do not seek to heighten any mote of displeasure to fuel any unhappiness, should you encounter any crisis/arguments during the course of your relationship in the future.
One positive point to note is that your significant other probably has other strength that you are attracted to and these help to compensate certain flaws (or at least knowing that people are not perfect, it's a trade off). Remember, we should always review the relationship holistically and not adopt the concept of reductionism.
ii) If you can't, then I suggest you sit down and have real communication - both mutually realistic and achievable expectation of what both of you seek and look for in the relationship. The worst is when you reckon that 'all is well' when in fact it isn't. I do not believe in escapism because the worst of relationships often have such way of management (Especially Neptune-afflicted relationship).
Since it has already been a year - if you see that you are steering towards a potential storm, you have to decide if you want to redirect your course to safer grounds or heed blindly to an unknown squall that could damage your relationship irrevocably.
Cheers
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Think so much... Let detached kor kor tell you what exactly it is
Your bf sloppiness is not only exclusive to him, but it's the "problem" of many others who tend to get too comfortable 'once their relationship is secured'. But of course, the extent of the sloppiness is individual lah.
Remember the time when you guys were in courtship? He was in shape and gave a deal about his personal grooming and all. People tend to get lazy once they get into their comfort zone. If you've tried sitting him down and talking to him, and he's still as stubborn as a mule... there's only one 2 ways left.... suck it up or tough love
The next time you guys head out, be sure to pay compliments on that hunk or pretty boy.. Or even introduce an attractive male friend to him... Once he gets a li'l insecured and self-conscious, he will put extra effort in his personal grooming again...
If all works out well for you, just remember to pay a consultation fee for my advice
-
"
Before I begin, I suggest that he do a medical checkup to ensure that he is minimally healthy. If his health is deteriorating, it might be a sign of other health problems. ***
One weakness in the process of dating is almost like being subjected to some carefully crafted marketing campaign urging you to purchase the product/s. The fact of the matter is that it often conceals the flaws of the product you are being marketed to and it remains hidden until you have bought the goods and review them personally. Some guys often employ the modus operandi to upsell themselves - the promise of a brand that they think it would assist them to achieve a better positioning, but this upkeep cannot sustain itself simply because 'they are not like that.' If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew. It will reveal in the relationship as you lead your love, in which I believe you are currently experiencing it now.
However, when we evaluate a relationship, we should always look at it from a holistic point of view. But we can only achieving this in a meaningful way only if we are brutally honest with ourselves. I do not believe that if one sees value in certain physical aspects of a person and that immediately makes him/her shallow. Because values are highly relative to our developmental pathway in life and because they are subjective, the morality of what makes a 'good' or 'bad' value in love will never come to an univocal agreement or definition that is universal.
The only note about values is that it is the association which our values are projected to manifest. For example, if you deemed that being fat is a negative trait, it is because you associate this trait with a group of related negative attributes (lazy/sloppy = lack drive = lack of ambition and self improvement, etc. Note that I am purely giving a random example and I am not explicitly stating that being fat absolutely have all of these traits).
Therefore what you are being turned off is more than just he 'being fat' but rather, by default, you might not be attracted to mates with such associated attributes. Therefore, I am establishing the point that one cannot be deemed as superficial just because our values are different.
I would like you to consider two thoughts:
i) If you have the intention to 'see the greater picture' and decide to compromise on your personal values of what you reckon as a suitable mate in view of a harmonious relationship, then do not seek to heighten any mote of displeasure to fuel any unhappiness, should you encounter any crisis/arguments during the course of your relationship in the future.
One positive point to note is that your significant other probably has other strength that you are attracted to and these help to compensate certain flaws (or at least knowing that people are not perfect, it's a trade off). Remember, we should always review the relationship holistically and not adopt the concept of reductionism.
ii) If you can't, then I suggest you sit down and have real communication - both mutually realistic and achievable expectation of what both of you seek and look for in the relationship. The worst is when you reckon that 'all is well' when in fact it isn't. I do not believe in escapism because the worst of relationships often have such way of management (Especially Neptune-afflicted relationship).
Since it has already been a year - if you see that you are steering towards a potential storm, you have to decide if you want to redirect your course to safer grounds or heed blindly to an unknown squall that could damage your relationship irrevocably.
Cheers"
He has been going for medical check up. Full body check up after a bike accident recently and other digestive discomfort previously, in fact he has gone for so many check ups compared to me and my peers I get blur. Sometimes I will google or read up more and give him some advice on what to do to show I care but it feels quite silly since he is quite familiar with his own body. I think his health is deteriorating too but he reassures me that he has always been a bit weak and is used to this process.
Don't quite get the part I highlighted in blue? Don't think he is being someone he is not since obviously he is not the vain kind. Did I misread?
Am scared of going over the edge of showing him I am upset over his appearance and hygiene, that is why lately I refrain from commenting about anything. Only do it once in a while now. Maybe twice a month or something in a joking manner.
Is there a way I can approach this tactfully if I were to sit down and talk to him again nicely from one adult to another? Will I seem very demanding as a girlfriend?
I will not break up with him over this, it is not a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I dunno what to say. Take for instance two months ago I discovered two warts growing on his hand. So I told him best to have it removed. He visited a clinic and the doctor sent him off with some crap solution that did not solve the problem. He "report" back to me and the next week he visited another doctor who told him the same thing, that it will fall off on it's own.
The thing is, it won't even be there if he is hygienic in the first place. At the same time he really made the effort to "please" me in that manner so much so he needs some credit for effort. But that puts me in a difficult position because why would I want to hold his hand if there are warts growing on it!
Anyway the wart issue has been resolved but you get the drift. It is quite frustrating.
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"Is your bf kind of busy with his work??
I think its okay if your boyfriend is not extremely fat or what. Sometimes, a person is really busy until really got no time to keep fit. You must understand that.
But then fat is fat, but at least your bf should keep his appearance neat, like shave, cut his hair, cut his nails. I wonder if he ever baths before coming out to meet ya.."
He is busy with work but not to the extend of OT every week. He can afford the time to exercise just that he won't. Recently he dread going for his RT, I don't think he likes talking about it so I stop asking him.
Not extremely fat but when I secretly calculate his BMI I realise it must be either 29 or 30 now! That is bad! He baths before meeting me, not unkempt to the extend of utter oblivion. Sometimes I find myself reminiscing the time when he was slimmer tall dark and actually a bit cute. I know that is unrealistic and not healthy, I should appreciate him for who and what he is. But still...
"Your bf sloppiness is not only exclusive to him, but it's the "problem" of many others who tend to get too comfortable 'once their relationship is secured'. But of course, the extent of the sloppiness is individual lah.
Remember the time when you guys were in courtship? He was in shape and gave a deal about his personal grooming and all. People tend to get lazy once they get into their comfort zone. If you've tried sitting him down and talking to him, and he's still as stubborn as a mule... there's only one 2 ways left.... suck it up or tough love
The next time you guys head out, be sure to pay compliments on that hunk or pretty boy.. Or even introduce an attractive male friend to him... Once he gets a li'l insecured and self-conscious, he will put extra effort in his personal grooming again...
If all works out well for you, just remember to pay a consultation fee for my advice
"Yes I know some of us tend to let ourselves go after a period of time. For now I will suck it up and not do anything cos he has enough things to keep busy with. Maybe I will sit down and talk to him after the holidays and before CNY.
Just dislike knowing that I'm starting to get a bit turned off. The introduce an attractive male friend to him is a good idea!
At the risk of sounding like a habitual complainer, I think I will try the subtle methods for now.
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To the threadstarter, I am not qualified to give you any advice, but I have something to teach you regarding quoting.
Whenever you post, you will realise that there is a cog at the top right hand corner of your post and the posts of others as well. Press it and and choose quote, if you want to quote the posts of others, unless you want others to complain of your walls of text.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.
I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.
Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.
When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.
Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.
He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.
But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.
I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?
Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?
PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.
Hi Beneix,
You shouldn't keep everything to yourself, and should voice out your unhappiness to him. You must be tactful about it though, lest it may create any further unhappiness between the two of you.
The most important thing between a couple is communication, so it will be good if you can find some time to have him sit down and listen to you in a serious manner rather than half-joking.
It will be good if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement, especially with concern to his unhygienic practices, and it is also important for you to keep an eye on him and ensure that he keeps his half of the agreement.
If he is unwilling to do something about himself, then do not hesitate to give him the cold shoulder to let him understand how serious you are.
Cheers.
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Originally posted by TrueHeart:
Hi Beneix,
You shouldn't keep everything to yourself, and should voice out your unhappiness to him. You must be tactful about it though, lest it may create any further unhappiness between the two of you.
The most important thing between a couple is communication, so it will be good if you can find some time to have him sit down and listen to you in a serious manner rather than half-joking.
It will be good if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement, especially with concern to his unhygienic practices, and it is also important for you to keep an eye on him and ensure that he keeps his half of the agreement.
If he is unwilling to do something about himself, then do not hesitate to give him the cold shoulder to let him understand how serious you are.
Cheers.
Don't know why I haf to assume the role of his mother and keep an eye on his hygiene and grooming. It is quite depressing. When I think about going out later I feel a bit sian. Really wanna start letting myself go and be his mirror image, see how he feels but can't bring myself to do it. Guess to a certain extend I am quite a vain person. He thinks I am superficial when I bring up the topic of why he should lose some weight. Tried explaining to him looks doesn't matter to me, now I am starting to think he is right and that I am superficial in some ways.
Don't think he's gonna change at all. Very hard to get him to do anything about this, I think about it I feel sian.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
Don't know why I haf to assume the role of his mother and keep an eye on his hygiene and grooming. It is quite depressing. When I think about going out later I feel a bit sian. Really wanna start letting myself go and be his mirror image, see how he feels but can't bring myself to do it. Guess to a certain extend I am quite a vain person. He thinks I am superficial when I bring up the topic of why he should lose some weight. Tried explaining to him looks doesn't matter to me, now I am starting to think he is right and that I am superficial in some ways.
Don't think he's gonna change at all. Very hard to get him to do anything about this, I think about it I feel sian.
Hi Beneix,
The reason why you will have to keep an eye on his hygiene and grooming, is because you are the one who wishes for him to change his current image.
Please do not think of yourself as a superficial person - It is only natural that girls will want their other half to at least have a presentable image, and hygiene is actually a very basic thing which I believe that everyone should maintain if possible.
If you are to truly care for only his appearance, you will not have worried about his health, and how he is putting it at risk by putting on unneeded weight. Thus, this have shown that you actually love and care for him a lot, and is not just being selfish on your own part.
Cheers.
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Your last sentence says it all.
Are you willing to accept a slob?
There is this thing called discipline.
Too much is not good, too little is also not good.
Decent living need some discipline.
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Your boyfriend's logic is flawed. He assumes that as long as he has you, everything is well and in order. That is like saying "I have attained my degree and a job. Now I can gradually slack off and continue to expect to be employed".
Taking care of oneself is a way of showing love.
By allowing his own health and grooming to deteriorate like this, he'll likely become a liability to you soon.
Dump that loser.
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Beneix,
"You wrote....
Am scared of going over the edge of showing him I am upset over his appearance and hygiene, that is why lately I refrain from commenting about anything. Only do it once in a while now. Maybe twice a month or something in a joking manner.
Is there a way I can approach this tactfully if I were to sit down and talk to him again nicely from one adult to another? Will I seem very demanding as a girlfriend?"
Instead of criticising him, take the positive approach and encourage him.
Say things like " Dear, I'd really love to feel those wonderful triceps.", " I love to grab your nice tight butts, makes me feel very foxy".
Get the idea ?
Right now, he's got nothing. Give him something to work for.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
He is not suffering frim depression! He is the take it easy everyday chill kind who doesn't think much. Compared to other guys he puts in little effort to groom himself. Not the vain kind.
He will make it a point to shower, brush his teeth, trim his nails, use deodorant before meeting me. Cos when he doesn't, I get upset. Last time he will do it religiously but these days he doesn't do it as much.
Really not sure why he is not putting in effort to maintain himself. When I reverse the situation and ask if it will upsets him if I turn fat and ugly one day he said he would not. In fact he will feel much more secure if his girlfriend is unkempt and unattractive because in that way I will not leave him due to limited options. I think he was joking when he said that. Don't really know how to differentiate between joke or serious comment though I believe him when he said he would not leave me. His previous girlfriend was quite fat and he did not mind.
I am not in excellent shape but I am not overweight or whatsoever. Just average looking but he considers me a very hygienic person.
PS: When I suggest he play sports with his friends he says he is too busy keeping me company and entertaining me to be with them which is quite true. I take up quite a bit of his personal time but still we could exercise together! Not always eat when we are on a date!
Well, since he says " will feel much more secure if his girlfriend is unkempt and unattractive because in that way I will not leave him due to limited options."
Then you should always dress up really nicely, smell like a bouquet of roses, prim and groom like a princess , wear your prettiest high heels and put on nice make-up.
You need to put the pressure on him to keep up. Every man has some self-pride, use it to your favor.
When he becomes insecure... he'll stop being such a slob.
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Originally posted by TrueHeart:
Hi Beneix,
The reason why you will have to keep an eye on his hygiene and grooming, is because you are the one who wishes for him to change his current image.
Please do not think of yourself as a superficial person - It is only natural that girls will want their other half to at least have a presentable image, and hygiene is actually a very basic thing which I believe that everyone should maintain if possible.
If you are to truly care for only his appearance, you will not have worried about his health, and how he is putting it at risk by putting on unneeded weight. Thus, this have shown that you actually love and care for him a lot, and is not just being selfish on your own part.
Cheers.
Thnx TrueHeart for your encouragement. I sent him an sms yesterday before going out to remind him to shower brush and the works he said okay and showed up okay. I guess it is as simple as literally sending him a generic sms every day to remind him.
The weight problem however is difficult. He still thinks I am being superficial and demanding as a person although I tried explaining to him it is not looks that matter.
I guess it is the way I said it. Probably not very tactful. Will give it a rest for now.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
Thnx TrueHeart for your encouragement. I sent him an sms yesterday before going out to remind him to shower brush and the works he said okay and showed up okay. I guess it is as simple as literally sending him a generic sms every day to remind him.
The weight problem however is difficult. He still thinks I am being superficial and demanding as a person although I tried explaining to him it is not looks that matter.
I guess it is the way I said it. Probably not very tactful. Will give it a rest for now.
Maybe it's about time you be honest and stop pretending to be so "un-superficial".
Just admit that you do want to feel proud walking beside him lah. He is not "good looking" is never mind.. but he must NOT be sloppy in his GROOMING.
Everyday you have to remind him with SMS ?.. Siao liao lor.... he how old ? Why behave like a 10 year old ?
When he shows up at your door not looking like a mental hospital escapee, you got give him "POSITIVE ENFORCEMENT" or not ?
Like saying " I like the way you comb your hair today", or " That shirt looks very nice on you".
Or buy him your favourite bottle of men's cologne and tell him that you like it when your man smell like this. Request that every time he meets up with you, he should use some.
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Originally posted by Beneix:
He has been going for medical check up. Full body check up after a bike accident recently and other digestive discomfort previously, in fact he has gone for so many check ups compared to me and my peers I get blur. Sometimes I will google or read up more and give him some advice on what to do to show I care but it feels quite silly since he is quite familiar with his own body. I think his health is deteriorating too but he reassures me that he has always been a bit weak and is used to this process.
Don't quite get the part I highlighted in blue? Don't think he is being someone he is not since obviously he is not the vain kind. Did I misread?
Am scared of going over the edge of showing him I am upset over his appearance and hygiene, that is why lately I refrain from commenting about anything. Only do it once in a while now. Maybe twice a month or something in a joking manner.
Is there a way I can approach this tactfully if I were to sit down and talk to him again nicely from one adult to another? Will I seem very demanding as a girlfriend?
I will not break up with him over this, it is not a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I dunno what to say. Take for instance two months ago I discovered two warts growing on his hand. So I told him best to have it removed. He visited a clinic and the doctor sent him off with some crap solution that did not solve the problem. He "report" back to me and the next week he visited another doctor who told him the same thing, that it will fall off on it's own.
The thing is, it won't even be there if he is hygienic in the first place. At the same time he really made the effort to "please" me in that manner so much so he needs some credit for effort. But that puts me in a difficult position because why would I want to hold his hand if there are warts growing on it!
Anyway the wart issue has been resolved but you get the drift. It is quite frustrating.
What I meant in my highlighted statement: Our personality will regress back to equilibrium every time we go on default mode. By default we are 'like this'. However the only time we would evolve temporary is when there is a reason (social or not) to governs/shape our behaviour in certain unspoken direction. For example, you don't pee in public simply just because you need to relieve yourself. You will hold it, even if it means feeling uncomfortable.
If he is someone who does not bothers very much about his health OR personal hygiene by default, but took special attempt to look into the area during the chase - there is a high chance that he will just regress back to this 'default' after the relationship is form unless he has somehow learn to incorporate that into his core values.
I quote what you had typed:
[quote] now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. [/quote]
People only change and evolve if there is a relevant catalysis to ignite the first step and a robust structure in place to maintain this change. If there is no catalysis, there will be no change. Even there is a change, without a structure to maintain this change, it will regress back into 'default mode'.
If this is something that is affecting you, it is not something that you can resolve it by yourself. Relationship is called relationship because all problems are worked out between two parties - doing it alone is called compromising. If you decide that you wanna be 'nice' now, knowing that this will be an issue to you in the future - you are just sacrificing short term gains for long term growth.
You need to talk about it - tell him honestly that this is affecting you. Don't hint to your man; a strong, obvious, blatant, zhun hint is still a hint. If you are hinting, then don't expect real reply. Also, joking is not communication. If you joke about it, then your conversation will always be cast off as a joke.
Learn to talk. Learn to speak. Learn to communicate REAL feelings. Fix a date, tell him that you want to review this relationship after one year. Tell him to that you want to know his ideas and feelings about the relationship, as well as yours. Let him know that there is a potential issue from the way you see it. Put items on the table - make it conscious, not unconscious.
P.S: Some people feel it's difficult to do a HTH talk because we might hurt our other half. But I can tell you is possible to talk real feelings tactfully. I can't guarantee that things will be better after talking, but I can assure you that it will fail if you stop communicating.
Cheers