Raising a Big Boy
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Hi there,
Have you been with a guy who is older than you, but you feel like he is really just a boy inside in terms of mentality, behaviour, etc? It is tiring because you find yourself teaching him things, tolerating him, and even have to take care of his ego!
I am 27. He is 30. We are of a marriage age, but we can't because he is not 'old' enough to plan and action. What worst is he will fight with me constantly even in public. I am tortured mentally, as I am so afraid to be humiliated by him in public, at home in front of my family (I dun wan my family to worry about me) and I have to keep things in my heart.
On the extreme side, he messed things up when he is pissed, rolled on the floor when he lost control and do all kind of ridiculous actions to get your attention?
What would you do?
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If its so terrible, why are u still with him? Seriously?? rolling on the floor? nutcase
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the rolling on floor part is really so extreme...
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Maybe it's my motherly instinct? ha......really not.
Truth is when you reached a certain age, you don't want to quit so easily. You want to try to work things out, an obstacle you want to at least try to overcome. I am not sure what kept me going for 4 years, but it is really not good. It became kinda scary at this point when i am afraid of him and I need to voice out somewhere and hopefully someone who has a similar experience can advise me.
Feeling really trapped inside.
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i think you should let him know your feelings... communicate and solve the problem together... if not he will never know..
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rolling on the floor.
who would actually do that. it takes so much effort and is troublesome to get back up again.
is he retard. go get someone better.
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i applaud ur effort to make things work but ask urself truthfully, do you see this guy as your future husband whom u will prolly start a family with.
Maybe you are already numb and pass that point but what does being in a relationship really mean to you? Torture or happiness?
He can never ever change his behaviour or character since he is already 30. At best, just controlled behaviour. Think trice.
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TS , does he have a stable job?
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8008s, we have talked countless times, now even on counselling. He is still the same. It is hard. And yes, you will be surprised he not only has a stable job but is holding high position in the company. But in front of me, he is like a little boy! It's hard to believe, i know. He is good at his work, but insensitive to me, our relationship and our possible future. I have had my share of disappointments throughout the years. Many close frens have advised me to end this relationship as he can be a little aggressive at times, esp the week before he travel when he is highly stressed!
And Pitot is right, i understand he can never ever change his behaviour but i'm clinging to the 0.01% of hope. And at the same time learning to accept, because everyone has flaws. Just that each time something happen, I dun noe who to talk to anymore. I have a struggle inside me to let go, but a personal fear that keep asking me to hold on. As you all might already know, it's not easy to let go......
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there must be some good in him which is why you see the light.
its all about weighing ur options man.
the good or the bad.
If you take it, its for life. Don't be afraid to make decisions.
stay strong.
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Originally posted by Little Red Book:
8008s, we have talked countless times, now even on counselling. He is still the same. It is hard. And yes, you will be surprised he not only has a stable job but is holding high position in the company. But in front of me, he is like a little boy! It's hard to believe, i know. He is good at his work, but insensitive to me, our relationship and our possible future. I have had my share of disappointments throughout the years. Many close frens have advised me to end this relationship as he can be a little aggressive at times, esp the week before he travel when he is highly stressed!
And Pitot is right, i understand he can never ever change his behaviour but i'm clinging to the 0.01% of hope. And at the same time learning to accept, because everyone has flaws. Just that each time something happen, I dun noe who to talk to anymore. I have a struggle inside me to let go, but a personal fear that keep asking me to hold on. As you all might already know, it's not easy to let go......
Our good and clear advise is there. If u still trying to be stubborn and cling on yr 0.01% hope. Good luck and any heart breaking things happen. Don't blame others. U are part of the reason for this mess. And nobody will pity and in out heart, we will think u deserve it !Everybody has flaw but there are some limit a person can take!
For example, his flaw is to be violence and bash someone up to vent his anger. Shall u accept it? I just give an example....
Next time, u got a son. And he bash yr son, can u take it?
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He will never change. At best, after counselling, he can control or check himself.
Hope is for you to cope.
You choose the kind of life you want. The present state is the indication of what lies ahead.
Just remember you want it, dispite your protestations otherwise.
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Originally posted by Little Red Book:
Hi there,
Have you been with a guy who is older than you, but you feel like he is really just a boy inside in terms of mentality, behaviour, etc? It is tiring because you find yourself teaching him things, tolerating him, and even have to take care of his ego!
I am 27. He is 30. We are of a marriage age, but we can't because he is not 'old' enough to plan and action. What worst is he will fight with me constantly even in public. I am tortured mentally, as I am so afraid to be humiliated by him in public, at home in front of my family (I dun wan my family to worry about me) and I have to keep things in my heart.
On the extreme side, he messed things up when he is pissed, rolled on the floor when he lost control and do all kind of ridiculous actions to get your attention?
What would you do?
Don't think that # age = maturity level. There are plenty of 50 year old who still behaves like a baby. AKA adult kids.
Maturity is gained through pain and exposures to adversities.
If your man grew up in a sheltered environment and mommy-ed his whole life... there's 90% he's an ADULT KID.
His professional status does not equate to high level of maturity. Even a VP will stomp out of a meeting like a little boy who didn't get his way.
Counselling ain't gonna change him, YOU CAN.
As his partner, you are his "trainer". How you respond/react to his tantrums will determine how he treats you.
Surely, his childish behavior doesn't happen overnight. Has it been like this SINCE the beginning of the relationship ? or was it recently his transgression became worst ?
He wants to behave like a child, then treat him like one. Any counsellor will tell you not to reward bad behavior.
When a child misbehaves, tell him he is "misbehaving like a child", give him a " Time out" and walk away.. ignore him. Let him know that you'll only discuss the matter with him when he is ready talk to you like an ADULT.
When he realize his bad behavior ain't getting him anything, let alone your attention, he'd learn to stop.
If he tries to counter your tactic by giving you the cold shoulder longer than you, simply leave him alone and go enjoy your life WITHOUT him. He'll realize what he's missing out when he behaves like a big bad baby.
When he ask from you nicely and treat you with respect, reward him. Positive re-enforcements work, even with an adult kid.
They'll learn.. like a little puppy.
But after you've done what you can and it ain't working for you, then it's time you move on. Perhaps through the hardship of breaking up and losing something dear to him, only will he gain maturity.
However, I'd like to remind you that, a certain level of "childishness" in a man helps make it easier for him to connect and bond with your children.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Don't think that # age = maturity level. There are plenty of 50 year old who still behaves like a baby. AKA adult kids.
Maturity is gained through pain and exposures to adversities.
If your man grew up in a sheltered environment and mommy-ed his whole life... there's 90% he's an ADULT KID.
His professional status does not equate to high level of maturity. Even a VP will stomp out of a meeting like a little boy who didn't get his way.
Counselling ain't gonna change him, YOU CAN.
As his partner, you are his "trainer". How you respond/react to his tantrums will determine how he treats you.
Surely, his childish behavior doesn't happen overnight. Has it been like this SINCE the beginning of the relationship ? or was it recently his transgression became worst ?
He wants to behave like a child, then treat him like one. Any counsellor will tell you not to reward bad behavior.
When a child misbehaves, give him a " Time out" and walk away.. ignore him. When he realize his bad behavior ain't getting him anything, let alone your attention, he'd learn to stop.
If he tries to counter your tactic by giving you the cold shoulder longer than you, simply leave him alone and go enjoy your life WITHOUT him. He'll realize what he's missing out when he behaves like a big baby.
When he ask from you nicely, reward him. Positive re-enforcements work, even with an adult kid.
They'll learn.. like a little puppy.
i think you can only so do speak "trained" or "changed" the person so much....the transformation needs to be within...for men.....perharps TS needs to give him space..... and decide if this relationship needs to continue.
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Originally posted by Arapahoe:
i think you can only so do speak "trained" or "changed" the person so much....the transformation needs to be within...for men.....perharps TS needs to give him space..... and decide if this relationship needs to continue.
Indeed, that is why I suggest giving a "time out"... the same as " to give him space." No ? LOL !!!
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To cling onto this relationship with such torment won't get you anywhere. Think about whether this man is really the one you wanna live with forever. I suppose you know the true answer to this.
If you know that he's behaving like this since the first time you know him, then ask yourself "why am I attracted to him?" If not, I think you should ask yourself what you really want out of this relationship. For me, I won't accept a man with such childish mentality. I don't think I can live with this type of husband material, and I still believe in "a leopard will never change its spots".
Free yourself and don't condemn yourself with this man. You need to let go when it's time to let go. Don't wait till marriage or else there'll be more regrets.
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rolled on floor???he isnt singaporean.most sporeans would have been eliminated at that age long ago. he is retarded and u cant help him.
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get a dog......it will rollover on command....n not at random like yer buddy.
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if u need sex...just get a machine.
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What if the situation is the opposite?
the girl very childish like what TS describe
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just say bb
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Originally posted by Little Red Book:
Hi there,
Have you been with a guy who is older than you, but you feel like he is really just a boy inside in terms of mentality, behaviour, etc? It is tiring because you find yourself teaching him things, tolerating him, and even have to take care of his ego!
I am 27. He is 30. We are of a marriage age, but we can't because he is not 'old' enough to plan and action. What worst is he will fight with me constantly even in public. I am tortured mentally, as I am so afraid to be humiliated by him in public, at home in front of my family (I dun wan my family to worry about me) and I have to keep things in my heart.
On the extreme side, he messed things up when he is pissed, rolled on the floor when he lost control and do all kind of ridiculous actions to get your attention?
What would you do?
Hi Little Red Book,
I will strongly suggest that you think through carefully, what is it that make you stay in this relationship? I hope you will not find it offensive for me to say so, but are you staying in this relationship because of his income?
That will certainly not be a very good reason for you to continue this relationship, and neither is your age a good reason why you should continue this relationship. As you can feel it yourself, this relationship has become very tiring, thanks to the fact that you are the only one who has been constantly taking the steps back.
You know very well that he will not change, and most importantly, you are not happy in this relationship. It is not that you are leaving him the moment you feel that this relationship is going downhill - You have been working very hard to salvage this relationship, and he is the one who is not doing anything.
I sincerely hope that you will make the right decision now, for the longer you take to end this relationship, the more you will suffer, and the more unlikely is it that you will find another half which will truly love you and care for you.
Cheers.
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i'll break up with him if i'm in yr position
that's wat i did to my bf of 3 yrs & married a guy i known for 3 mths
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littleredbook,
i'm of the opinion that women are always the ones who have to do most of the changing (because we're more adaptable by nature). and with men, the only thing we can attempt to change is wardrobe and hairstyle... even then it's a constant battle.
i'm curious to know... are u the first born and is he the last born?
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Originally posted by Little Red Book:
Hi there,
Have you been with a guy who is older than you, but you feel like he is really just a boy inside in terms of mentality, behaviour, etc? It is tiring because you find yourself teaching him things, tolerating him, and even have to take care of his ego!
I am 27. He is 30. We are of a marriage age, but we can't because he is not 'old' enough to plan and action. What worst is he will fight with me constantly even in public. I am tortured mentally, as I am so afraid to be humiliated by him in public, at home in front of my family (I dun wan my family to worry about me) and I have to keep things in my heart.
On the extreme side, he messed things up when he is pissed, rolled on the floor when he lost control and do all kind of ridiculous actions to get your attention?
What would you do?
1.You claimed he cant plan and take action, yet he holds a stable and high position in a company. This is a contradiction, unless you mean his failure lies in an inability of planing his recreational time and future with you?
If this is so, then It isnt as bad as it seems. It is only how YOU do the planning instead. Relationships are to be shared anyway, and it doesnt really matter who plans, so long as compromises are met, participations are both joined, happiness can be achieved.
As it is said, for every successful man is a woman behind him.
2. You claimed he behaves like a boy, such as rolling on the floor, throwing tantrums, just to get your attention. Many would laff at it as it does seem funny, but if he behaves in this manner for years and you can no longer tolerate it, would mean that you find such atitudes increasingly repulsive, which will only cause your repressed tolerance to flare up spectacularly one day soon, hurting you and him eventually.
It would be easy enough as an outsider to tell you to leave him if you cannot tolerate this flaw, no one can if for years with a matured partner, but ultimately, it is your life and decision. It is your pain, which no one else can truly feel or realize the intensity of it.
However, there must be some good qualities in him that made you stay. that only you alone can see, judge, and weigh the good traits and find its balance and worth, to remain in this relationship.
No person can predict the future. It is in your hands and capabilities that you create it, not one of a bed of roses daily, but one where you both can find comfort and solace from the harshness of your environment, within each other for an eternity on Earth.
But never fear to make mistakes, only that you must never regret any decision once made, and to learn from it, progress and take courage from making decisions so that in future you will perform better from past experiences, no matter how old you become.
Good Luck and cheers!
