Rally the close ones around you.
BE resolved to finish this once and for all.. and you will not feel hesitant to seek help from your family.
JoJo, I can't let my family know. They always see me as sensible and I can't let them down.
Even since I started biz two years ago, I stopped going out with many frens. I focus 100% on work. I lost many friends on the way. Close or best frens all have lives of their own blissfully married, raising kids. We meet up once in a blue moon to catch up. He is the only one who supported me daily, feels like my only companion at this phrase in life.
Which woman doesnt want a good man to be with? It's easier said than done. It's like cutting off my only support system. How do I do it? I dun party, dun really socialize, dun noe any other man out there. Even if I do, I have lost all confident to date again. It's crazy and I never think that i will end up here. I really want this to work and I tot i could do it.......
I am so disappointed in myself.........
Originally posted by Little Red Book:JoJo, I can't let my family know. They always see me as sensible and I can't let them down.
Even since I started biz two years ago, I stopped going out with many frens. I focus 100% on work. I lost many friends on the way. Close or best frens all have lives of their own blissfully married, raising kids. We meet up once in a blue moon to catch up. He is the only one who supported me daily, feels like my only companion at this phrase in life.
Which woman doesnt want a good man to be with? It's easier said than done. It's like cutting off my only support system. How do I do it? I dun party, dun really socialize, dun noe any other man out there. Even if I do, I have lost all confident to date again. It's crazy and I never think that i will end up here. I really want this to work and I tot i could do it.......
I am so disappointed in myself.........
Little Red,
I know exactly how you feel.
I was in this kind of relationship before. One that turned abusive just like yours.
I tot I could make it betta, I hoped and hoped. But a relationship needs two to make it work.
His behavior is destructive.. and he knows it. But he also knows you cannot live without him. So he see no reason to behave himself.
I wanted to kill myself everytime my ex treats me bad. I thought I'd not be able to stand up again if I ever leave him. But I did.
Breaking up with him was the most explosive period of my life.
He stalked me and made my life hell for a whole miserable year. I fear for my life, my studies and career was in ruins.
Now.. I look back and never regretted leaving him.. In fact.. I should have done it sooner.
It's not easy to start all over again. But it's always better than wasting your life living in fear.
You only have ONE life. Don't waste it on a man like him.
Don't be dissapointed in yourself.. You should be dissapointed in him.
Pick up your life from where you left off before you met him.
Go get yourself a new hair cut.
Re-invent your life.
Take a nice vacation to clear your heart and head.
A man cannot make you happy. Only you yourself can.
Courage is within you.
Be strong.
If you still think the relationship is worth saving and waiting for something to improve.
That just means you havn't reach your breaking point yet.
Everyone has a different break point.
I just hope yours don't come too late.
Mmm.. Sometimes woman get involved in the same kind of toxic relationships over and over again. They seem to attract guys who are not good for them and are not attracted to those who may be good for them. It is only when a woman change through self-discovery and self-improvement will there be a change (either through counselling or self-discovery). Without the support of family or friends, the road will be long and tedious albeit necessary.
Hi JoJo, I really went insane yesterday that's why i hit back! I was really at my tipping point, tot I might go crazy forever! His lips was swollen and bleed. My god, I am so afraid I turned into a monster! What have I done??
I wished I can be as strong as you in the right way. You are amazing to be able to walk out of it, cos you know exactly how hard. I do not have a weak nature, but as soon as the wound heal, you wished that all those bad things will go away. Keep trying till it work. But each time this happens, it hit me hard and bad. My self esteem, confident all gone.
I am really disappointed in myself, cos I should have controlled the situation better....I failed....
Originally posted by Little Red Book:Hi JoJo, I really went insane yesterday that's why i hit back! I was really at my tipping point, tot I might go crazy forever! His lips was swollen and bleed. My god, I am so afraid I turned into a monster! What have I done??
I wished I can be as strong as you in the right way. You are amazing to be able to walk out of it, cos you know exactly how hard. I do not have a weak nature, but as soon as the wound heal, you wished that all those bad things will go away. Keep trying till it work. But each time this happens, it hit me hard and bad. My self esteem, confident all gone.
I am really disappointed in myself, cos I should have controlled the situation better....I failed....
Yah, downward spiral it became. The beginning of the end.....like the child soldier forced to make his first kill.
Not only did I hated him, I started to hate myself more and more....
Hated what I became. I never thought I could strike so hard.. so violently at the person I thought I cared about...
Then hitting became so easy.. so .... justified.. the next fight.. the next round over and over again.
It didn't matter he was stronger than me.. it didn't matter where I strike. As long as I hit a body part... I felt vindicated.
No longer happy.. always walking on egg shells... fearing the next time round.
I lived in remorse.. and it prevented me from loving anymore.
Ending it gave me back peace and normalcy. I can be myself again.
No need to hide my bruises no more, no need to lie to my love ones; my family and friends.
Your relationship will end.. it has already began. Prolong your misery.. or finish it off. Everything in life is a choice.
Let the emotional torture he inflicts end.
TS,
I surmise too much of self-consciousness. Be absent to that and you will know why or what it is all that is .....
The problem in today's relationships is not that it not only lacks friendship/love but that and two persons enter into a .... (marriage included) to get out what they can for each other from the relationship/marriage or ... . It is more of trading than sharing. Trading is a compromise, a bargain and it is always negotiating to have the other or oneself in the 'room'. Of course, then it is no longer relating or sharing but exploitation of each other for each other's ends. Hence, the other is always a means to one's ends.
Pix this - if one enters into a relationship to share what one is and not to get out of the other what needs - the qualitative aspect is never diminished. Unfortunately, many confused needs/expectations as love but in reality it was never love. It was never there, it was simply a projection.
Your predicament is that of trying to changing another to suit your conceptualized model of what life, of what a man ought to be, what success ought to be. Sadly, it will wear u out in no time and even have u thinking that love or relationships/marriages are an illusion. One has to partake of the trees before one understands the forest.
The fact is polarities/dichotomies are mind-made. All is non-dual. It is the divisive mind, exclusivity eg, thinking that one is special or one deserves ... this stance is excluding and disconnecting oneself.
There are two banks to a river and one is of that of the past and the other is that of the future. In between flows the river of life , the present, the presence. If one cannot flow or one is disconnected from oneself - the probablility is one is merely a spectator sitting (psychologically) on either one of the banks. Life is flowing and one goes on missing. Hence, the frustration, the dissapoinments. Many confuse spectatorship as being a participant. As long this is unreconciled within - one is merely living with concepts. The more the conditioning, the more the beliefs - one is likely to be emotionally inhibited.
Betweent the cradle and the grave - only this matters lar - one can dance or one can despair. It makes no difference cos it is a continuum and one can at most understand, accept and transcend ane be transformed from inside.
It has to emanate from one's inner being - being what? That is essential to living and the rest would fit like a jigsaw puzzle
My condolences......
Seems like both of you are very hot and angry now.......
I think maybe you try to avoid him first for some time.....to cool off, and also to think.....
Dont meet him because you will just end up fighting.....
Get some alone time.....
Give yourself some time to cooloff and think things through......
If he insist in meeting you....whatever....just be calm and be quiet...no need to talk to him too much.....
Hmm....
One thing though, dont get too traumatized or affected by it......relax....it's not a big problem.....and dont let your condifence be affected too much.....
Even if you decide to breakup and find other guys......you have nothing to worry about......27 yrs old only....still spring chicken.....
Ok, good luck.
u shouldnt blame urself cos u were not the 1 who sparked it all. rather than being disappointed in urself, isnt it better to put an end to all these nonsense?
having read ur comments, seems like u are just being used to having him around in your life, a companion and someone whom you can talk to. you should start asking yourself, is he the kind of person that you would wana spend the rest of your life with? 4yrs of relationship compared to a lifelong of commitment is nothing.
start examining where you really hope to see yourself 10, 20 yrs from now. if you do not let this r/s go, you will probably see yourself punching him a few more times. better to muster the courage to leave him now then to live a life full of regrets... good luck.
Thanks all for your kind advice. I really want to do it, and it means more than courage.
I have to change my whole life to run away from him. Change my home address, office address and number. I am quite stuck in my life now, at 27 can't buy HDB. Can't afford a condo yet. Even buying a 2nd hand condo will take at least 3 months! Office has a lease of 2 yrs, 1 more year to go.
At long as he can locate me, he wont let me off. I dun seems to be able to escape his claw. It is tiring mentally to keep resisting and running away. To put on the rejecting mode is draining. Unless I get out of Singapore, but that again will be really a big step to take, involving not only emotional strength but finances as well. As much as I want to let go, it seems to involve a destructive process. To break everything, including the good ones to start building new ones again. I can't seems to afford it.
Jojo, you described my exact feeling. Walking on egg shell fearing the next time round. Hiding my bruises. Thanks for sharing your feelings, you inspire me. I truly admire your strength to walk out, but then again maybe your ex partner is not as scary as this guy. He caused a stir each time i reject him. I need to pacify him if i wan to reject him. It's ridiculous......
I remind myself everyday, if i have a chance i will not hesitate to leave him....
wow
its still not over
Originally posted by Little Red Book:Thanks all for your kind advice. I really want to do it, and it means more than courage.
I have to change my whole life to run away from him. Change my home address, office address and number. I am quite stuck in my life now, at 27 can't buy HDB. Can't afford a condo yet. Even buying a 2nd hand condo will take at least 3 months! Office has a lease of 2 yrs, 1 more year to go.
At long as he can locate me, he wont let me off. I dun seems to be able to escape his claw. It is tiring mentally to keep resisting and running away. To put on the rejecting mode is draining. Unless I get out of Singapore, but that again will be really a big step to take, involving not only emotional strength but finances as well. As much as I want to let go, it seems to involve a destructive process. To break everything, including the good ones to start building new ones again. I can't seems to afford it.
Jojo, you described my exact feeling. Walking on egg shell fearing the next time round. Hiding my bruises. Thanks for sharing your feelings, you inspire me. I truly admire your strength to walk out, but then again maybe your ex partner is not as scary as this guy. He caused a stir each time i reject him. I need to pacify him if i wan to reject him. It's ridiculous......
I remind myself everyday, if i have a chance i will not hesitate to leave him....
And so you stayed because you fear losing everything you worked for today.
And tomorrow when you have more to lose.. will that make it easier to leave him ?
Now you are knee deep.. where will you be 5 years from now ?
Let there be intervention from your family. They loves you and will not want you to live through another day of hell . Families are the best people to help you get "UNSTUCK"... don't procrastinate any longer.
I know you are hoping he will change.. but will he ?
My ex started out being a really nice guy... then the verbal abuses... then the threats and intimidation... soon.. the smashing and destruction of anything he knows I care about... after that.... the physical abuse ....soon.. death threats......to me and my family.... pure emotional torture.
The bruises will go away... things can be bought again... but your spirit will be broken for as long as this torture continues.
Every destructive behaviour is about "control". When he cannot get his way..the mayhem starts....
The more independent you are of him... be it financially, emotionally, and/or physically.. the more he wants to exert control over you.
It's not about love anymore little red.
I'm pretty sure right now.. you must feel so conflicted.. because you think he must love you a lot to be doing these kind of stuff to "hold you back"... but really.. it's just him not wanting to lose his pride as a man who " cannot keep his woman".
Living your life like a circus animal... for show only.
You must be hoping he will leave you on his own accord. But he won't.
Even when he is now sleeping and hugging another woman... he'll still want to exert the same kind of control over you.
Put your feet down firmly, he can't carry on like this forever... one day.. his act will cease... else it will destroy HIS OWN life. His career, his own family will despise him... he will become an outcast.
Call the police when he comes near.. inform his parents when he refuses to back off.. send video clips of his aggression to his boss...
The same way he terrorise you.. do it back to him...when he knows you no longer fear him.. he will have to stop.
A bully will only bully one who is weak.. not one who is more aggressive than he.
You are lucky he has a career and reputation to protect. That is what makes him vulnerable.
When a man has nothing to his name.. when he has nothing to lose.. that is when he is most dangerous.
Hi Little Red Book,
Been awhile, sad to see things haven't ironed out but that's how life is really. However hard you plan for it, it has its ways.
Back to the topic. There must be a core reason why he is throwing those tantrums. Can you perhaps cite an example? We are all anonymous here but if you feel uncomfortable pm me an example.
If you've been an item with him for awhile...(4 years over?) walking out of the relationship really should be the last straw after you have exhausted all other possibilities.
Kind Regards
Genie
Had it not been for my family, I woulda be dead. Somewhere on the ground floor of our apartment, my soul and splattered body departs.
Their support and protection helped me pull through this horrible past.
They were shocked.. to know what had transpired between my ex and me... we looked like such perfect couple on the surface... but.. behind closed doors... incessant fights and torture we reside.
Today.. my family are still very protective of who comes near.. and fear I give my heart to another man not worthy.
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger..-Friedrich Nietzsche
Hi Jojo,
you have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.
Today, something happened. I was at his office for a meeting. His company is my client. After the meeting as we are about to leave, we bump into this girl he dated behind my back! Last year, we nearly broke up and during the period of cold war, he dated this good looking office girl. I am always carrying this doubt in me, as he is not the honest kind.
Just now, we bumped into her at the entrance he avoided her by using the side entrance?? What does this mean??? I felt like a misstress, as if i cant be seen. I feel so ugly. My self-esteem dropped further. Can you tell me what all these mean. I questioned him and he lose his temper on me. I called for a taxi and escaped home while he was talking to someone.
My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???
u want out but you're not doing anything.
Originally posted by Little Red Book:Hi Jojo,
you have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.
Today, something happened. I was at his office for a meeting. His company is my client. After the meeting as we are about to leave, we bump into this girl he dated behind my back! Last year, we nearly broke up and during the period of cold war, he dated this good looking office girl. I am always carrying this doubt in me, as he is not the honest kind.
Just now, we bumped into her at the entrance he avoided her by using the side entrance?? What does this mean??? I felt like a misstress, as if i cant be seen. I feel so ugly. My self-esteem dropped further. Can you tell me what all these mean. I questioned him and he lose his temper on me. I called for a taxi and escaped home while he was talking to someone.
My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???
My question to you is, why are you still in this relationship if it's all bullshit and torture
Originally posted by Little Red Book: Jojo,ou have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.
Today, something happened. I was at his office for a meeting. His company is my client. After the meeting as we are about to leave, we bump into this girl he dated behind my back! Last year, we nearly broke up and during the period of cold war, he dated this good looking office girl. I am always carrying this doubt in me, as he is not the honest kind.
Just now, we bumped into her at the entrance he avoided her by using the side entrance?? What does this mean??? I felt like a misstress, as if i cant be seen. I feel so ugly. My self-esteem dropped further. Can you tell me what all these mean. I questioned him and he lose his temper on me. I called for a taxi and escaped home while he was talking to someone.
My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???
Me have a strong family ? Pffffft ... my parents divorced when I was a baby.
Just that your family won't leave you to the wolves. They will provide you the shelter to run to and some family members can tell that meanie to back off.
When the abuser knows you are all alone, they'd rip you apart. Once he knows your family is aware of his dirty deeds and will intervene when necessary, he won't dare to go too far.
Don't keep asking " why why why".. are you really that naive ?
That man don't love you.. he just wanna CONTROL you. A marriage gives him LEGAL RIGHTS to do so once you are his wife.
How many times must you get betrayed, abused, yelled at, mis-treated, pushed around , and trampled on.... before you open your eyes to see and ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MAN IS NO GOOD ??
So he goes seeking solace in another woman's bossom every time you give him a cold shoulder ??
NO WONDER he keeps picking fights with you. Good reason to go off on a hot date with another woman eh ???
Ya want your self esteem back ? You know what to do sister.
Seriously.. is he really that attractive ? His cock very big issit ? Or he got voodoo on you ???
I hope you are not a sucker for punishment..
You ain't getting any younger sister ... 27 already. Not many more years left.
This terrible man ain't gonna change for you cus he has no respect for ya. So what are you waiting for ? Wait unti old and boh lang ai alredy.. then you regret ah ? Tooo late already ok ?
Leave this guy.. and go find yerself a better one lah.....
TS,
Your predicament is such lar - your sense of self is related to what you do and what you are with others - hence this misery.
You seem to unconciously define life, love and ... and try to find it in others ways and doings. However, what one forgets (u in this instance) is that people change and only change is permanent. Till u reconcile to this and accept and allow ..... you may leave this guy and later with the next encounter or relationship it will all come back again. The same psychodrama/melodrama.
Why? When one's lives with definitions, ideals, right/wrong - one is being accidental one is at the mercy of what happens outside of oneself. It is simply not sustainable and many try and eventually find themselves languishing and dragging everyday.
Only this works and works - learn to unlearn your ways and most importantly be absent to the SELF (what you think of yourself, of love, of life, traditions, customs, beliefs) that u carry around. By that is meant - EGO , when u are absent to that aspect or at least understand the fiction of SELf - u are going to be present to what is and what u are. Love has a concept if it is lacking in oneself will never fulfil another and at most it may try, pretend, cajole or trade.
When one is unfree inside - it is only a matter of time,situaition, circumstance - it will surface. Now, your so-called boyfried or whatever u label him to be - what he is has surfaced. However, do also know this lar - what you are has also surfaced. He was an excuse - what you are now has always been there. One may pretend, apportion blame or fall back on the past and justify/rationalize.
Originally posted by Little Red Book:Hi Jojo,
you have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.
Today, something happened. I was at his office for a meeting. His company is my client. After the meeting as we are about to leave, we bump into this girl he dated behind my back! Last year, we nearly broke up and during the period of cold war, he dated this good looking office girl. I am always carrying this doubt in me, as he is not the honest kind.
Just now, we bumped into her at the entrance he avoided her by using the side entrance?? What does this mean??? I felt like a misstress, as if i cant be seen. I feel so ugly. My self-esteem dropped further. Can you tell me what all these mean. I questioned him and he lose his temper on me. I called for a taxi and escaped home while he was talking to someone.
My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???
Little red,
So far.. all your posting is about how you want to RUN AWAY from him.
There's really no need to run.
Just be brave and STAND UP to him.
You know why he doesn't respect you ? Because you always run away....running running running away. He yelled at you.. you run away... he abuse you.. you run away... you've been running away your whole life....even to your family.. you don't want them to think badly of you.. so you run away and hide .......so your family won't know.
I'm actually quite surprised you are able start your own business ... having a personality that doesn't want to face the problems head on.....
Running away will not solve anything... running away just means when you go back/return.... you go back to the SAME PROBLEMS.
There is this thing called the vicious cycle.
You are caught in it.
Unless you break from it, your life will be as you are experiencing now.
You are from a dyfunctional family. As such your thoughts, and expectations are towards strife. And you get just that. You have unconsciously chosen a husband who gives you the kind of life you are familiar with. You have grown up amid misery, and now react in the manner that you have learn will keep you in misery.
Even if you have a good man, your thought pattern will generate discord.
You need to take stock of your self.
Know what you are capable of.
Know what you want.
Know what you have.
Know what to do.
But first break away from the present environment. You must act, don't leave it as fate.
And firmly resolve to get what you want. You can do it, provided no one pulls you down while you are trying.
In a partnership, it takes two working correspondingly to achieve happiness. You must change yourself for the better and find a complementing partner.
Its difficult. But begin the journey.
Yes, you guys are right! I am trapped in an endless and tired cycle.
You know anywhere I can take shelter at this moment? I heard the trans centre at HDB area provide confidential shelter for those under abuse? Is that true?
I need a place where I can be at peace so I can sort things out, internally and externally.
You are right, I need to ACT FOR MY LIFE!
Can someone plse advise me?