Wife thinks I am a LOSER
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I am in my forties...
Started my career in the govt sector in 1991. Left it briefly in 1999. But the new company decided to screw up my job role (when I went for my 1st day, they said I was doing another job) and so decided to go back to my previous job. Having gotten my job, I had to repay their faith in me.
And so, I have been working for 20 years now. Meanwhile, my wife worked up the career ladder to a managerial post and now earns $10k per month, with bonus around $160k per year.
She quite had it with the pressures of her job and now decided to become a property agent. She has a guy friend who does part time property agent. This guy is investment savy - He has 10 properties under his name and drives a Lexus RX350.
Lately, she has been comparing him with me. Well, I earn 120 - 130k per year. Is that really bad? She said I am not aggressive enough in my career. I am in a line of work with skills are that not really needed elsewhere. I tried applying for 2 other jobs 6 months ago, but the fact is, no one wants to employ a man in his forties without any relevant skills.
When both of us started work, she was earning much lesser than me, I have no complains. I footed the bills and even paid off her 3 months notice in the early years. Now, she is implying I am not earning enough aka a loser. Tried to talk to her last night but hit a blank wall. I was talking and she decided to sleep.
What has become of a husband and wife?? Where's the simple respect for each other?
*Sigh* Just want to say it out....
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Oh ya...
I got a hobby..photography..Nothing wrong, right?
When I say I want to shoot fireworks on National Day. She says "NO!". But for her, she can go to Bangkok with her friends or goes on drinking sessions after office hours.
I just find the basic freedom and respect in my marriage is lacking..or rather only 1-way....
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Probably she find your new job not stable?
And that worry her.
Your wife might want you to work in other field?
If a wife salary is higher than hubby, there will be problems provided both can have 1 step backwards and live happily.
Your wife probably dont want you to meddle her affairs. She got the spending power while you dont.
The only solution is to find a good time (not going to sleep), say in the weekend morning, see her weather, if she in good mood, then bring up the problem you are facing.
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One important question.Are both of you still having sex?
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Originally posted by Short Ninja:
One important question.Are both of you still having sex?
Hmm..most likely no sex liao since the situation is like what he describe. -
Like that hong karn liao!
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My job not stable? Govt job...very stable. I am doing IT. Moreover, no one wants my job. Problem is career advancement is hard to come by when you reach forty. Govt's thinking is that they would rather nuture and promote those in 30s as they can contribute more before retiring.
Govt business is very different from private. Skills are irrelevant. Tried applying for job in bank and oil company. No replies from both. As I said...who is going to want a man in his 40s without any experience?
For her? Well, her immediate superior was in the same company many year ago. Her superior promoted her and gave her commendations. So, she was lucky.
Money-wise...we got a condo to pay off and 2 kids to raise.
Sex is hard to come by...when she feels like it...she will wear a lingerie. Other than that, sex is around once every 2 weeks and when she feels like it. When I try to get under her pants, it is damned hard!
*Damned sian*....
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Originally posted by Short Ninja:
Like that hong karn liao!
you thinking the same thing too ? that the wifey's been bonking someone else ? ....
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I don't think my wife is bonking someone else. I think she is infatuated with the other guy. He is married, good looking, got lots of properties, drives a fancy car and he is a smooth talker.
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Your wife is experiencing a different type of lifestyle that added spark in her life suddenly.
Therefore, she may be expecting the same fun for you.
For your case, you are just a typical family guy who want to do simple stuff and enjoy a simple life.
Sad to say, your path and your wife path is straying apart.
Either you changed your life completely, or you may have a big difficulties in chasing the fancy and fast paced life that your wife is having.
What is you are experiencing is a mid-life crisis.
You have to do a heart to heart talk to your wife before it is too late or both of you end in drifting further apart.
It is happening in most of the marriages.
It is important that both of you manage each other expectations and know each other better.
But, bear in mind to handle the issue in a sensible manner or seek professional help before you talk to your wife.
Cos it is this kind of differences that will kill most of the marriages.
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dude, it seems you are living a very comfortable life
maybe the real reason is, you havent stepped out of that umbrella of high government pay
get a new thing, you shouldnt use your irrelevant skills and age as a block towards getting a new job.
you can set up your own business, make new friends, why not start doing new things you havent done before, maybe you'll recognize what you want and be successful in it
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looks like the TS married the wrong kind of woman. my condolences.
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Originally posted by LiveToDie:
My job not stable? Govt job...very stable. I am doing IT. Moreover, no one wants my job. Problem is career advancement is hard to come by when you reach forty. Govt's thinking is that they would rather nuture and promote those in 30s as they can contribute more before retiring.
Govt business is very different from private. Skills are irrelevant. Tried applying for job in bank and oil company. No replies from both. As I said...who is going to want a man in his 40s without any experience?
age-wise I cannot comment because I am not there yet...but soon.
U are in IT field doing govt things...I take it to mean work that cannot be discussed with people without the security clearance....but it might not mean ur skills are irrelevant....I dunno what IT job U are exactly doing....lets say....programming....say U are doing ur job with visual C++...yes U cannot tell people what U program with visual C++...but whether U know visual C++....interview that time can tell already...OOP...polymorphism...instances,objects,etc....
say U are doing server administration....U cannot discuss about the infrastructure...but AD administration,backup...server hardening...U should be able to show that U know without going into the details.
How many interviews did U go?1 is not the way to go.
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you earn so much but yet your wife thinks you are a loser?
we live in different worlds.
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settle it fast.. when thing are like that.. and he is comparing u with another guy... chances are she is banging with other guy is very high.... trust mi on that... that is how i usually bang other ppl's wife...... so better talk to her b4 she really did that.... but... i got a feeling she is already doing it...... female can change their heart very fast one..
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Originally posted by LiveToDie:
My job not stable? Govt job...very stable. I am doing IT. Moreover, no one wants my job. Problem is career advancement is hard to come by when you reach forty. Govt's thinking is that they would rather nuture and promote those in 30s as they can contribute more before retiring.
Govt business is very different from private. Skills are irrelevant. Tried applying for job in bank and oil company. No replies from both. As I said...who is going to want a man in his 40s without any experience?
For her? Well, her immediate superior was in the same company many year ago. Her superior promoted her and gave her commendations. So, she was lucky.
Money-wise...we got a condo to pay off and 2 kids to raise.
Sex is hard to come by...when she feels like it...she will wear a lingerie. Other than that, sex is around once every 2 weeks and when she feels like it. When I try to get under her pants, it is damned hard!
*Damned sian*....
i thot IT job is a skilled job? did you applied for IT related jobs in private sector? why they dun recognize your experience in gov sector? i thot only those who sign on is having hard time to find jobs in private sector?
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on the bright side, perhaps she is just saying it as a figure of speech.
u have financial woes? if not tell her what is the big fuss about it. Its all too easy to live in a superficial world nowadays. come on, if you wanna really be that anal on comparing, a lexus is just a branded toyota right?
more things on life to worry about.
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When I was in early 30s, I applied for 3 jobs. Got all 3 offers. Be a Project Manager with s/w firm, with a Bank or work in a Credit card software company.
The Proj Manager job gave the best pay, but my heart told me to take the bank job with a pay cut. Go into finance, learn the ropes and thrive later. When you work in a bank, the business knowledge is applicable throughout all banks. But no, my wife says go for the Proj Manager job.
So, I went. When I step into the new company, the boss told me to be a trainer. I said "Huh? I did not apply for this job. This is not what you interviewed me for as well". My wife was then expecting our 1st child in 4 months time. So, ask my previous boss. He said he to come back.
That is history.
My problem is not about my job. And someone is right - It is about the expectations between a couple. And no one is the same. How many people has 10 properties and drive a Lexus?
Yes....I am a simple person. I just finished a project last year which took 3 years of late nights and burnt weekends for 4 months. I want to work hard, come back, tutor my kids in the evenings and have a spouse to talk to and hug. Not this shit....
For those offering job advice, many thanks. I have applied 2 jobs. So far, the replies has been the same - irrelevant experience. I got other job advice for you if you are willing to hear.
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perhaps you are giving yourself too much pressure.
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relac... Somehow in somewhere there's something about you or in you she loves. Furthermore as long as the children are well taken care off and never try to think of an affair you shoud be safe. Come on you are not an loser... There's someone worst than you.
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LiveToDie
Reading your posts, I can't help getting this feeling that there is divergence between you and your wife expectations. Not just expectations but also the value you both cherish and the social consciousness of you both.
Maybe, as someone has pointed out, this is mid-life crisis made worse by the different dreams both you and your wife are pursuing.
I am not expert on mid-life crisis but I am sure there are number of books out there on this topic. Try get one that may help you in your situation. cheerio! -
In my opinion - $$$ and other reasons that she cited or may have intuited to u which are all excuses lar.
She is projecting her insecurities on you. U will never live up to it and to try to live up to another's expectations is utterly silly.
Also comparison is a sickness. for eg, if i were to compare myself to others, inevitably i would compare my spouse, my friends, my siblings .... cos it is an ingrained habit. It is being unable to see my insecurities and apportioning blame on other(s).
It is the collective consciousness (conditioning) that has your spouse and u mired in a rut and no amount of material .... or $$$$ would ever suffice.
It is an existential predicament !
Unless one of u or both of u are cognizant of the conditioning/beliefs/conceptualized models in your (minds) and from there, willing to undersatnd, accept and reconcile dichotomies/polarities and accept the complementaries of living which comes in all shapes forms and people - the anguish and anxiety would persist.
What one accepts frees, what one resists persists.
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Originally posted by LiveToDie:
I am in my forties...
Started my career in the govt sector in 1991. Left it briefly in 1999. But the new company decided to screw up my job role (when I went for my 1st day, they said I was doing another job) and so decided to go back to my previous job. Having gotten my job, I had to repay their faith in me.
And so, I have been working for 20 years now. Meanwhile, my wife worked up the career ladder to a managerial post and now earns $10k per month, with bonus around $160k per year.
She quite had it with the pressures of her job and now decided to become a property agent. She has a guy friend who does part time property agent. This guy is investment savy - He has 10 properties under his name and drives a Lexus RX350.
Lately, she has been comparing him with me. Well, I earn 120 - 130k per year. Is that really bad? She said I am not aggressive enough in my career. I am in a line of work with skills are that not really needed elsewhere. I tried applying for 2 other jobs 6 months ago, but the fact is, no one wants to employ a man in his forties without any relevant skills.
When both of us started work, she was earning much lesser than me, I have no complains. I footed the bills and even paid off her 3 months notice in the early years. Now, she is implying I am not earning enough aka a loser. Tried to talk to her last night but hit a blank wall. I was talking and she decided to sleep.
What has become of a husband and wife?? Where's the simple respect for each other?
*Sigh* Just want to say it out....
There's really no need to feel insecure about your marriage life.
Your income is sufficient to provide for a family to live comfortably, even if your wife is not working.
She's out there working because she just doesn't want to get bored at home.
IF she choose to go with that guy, she is just plain foolish.
Just let her know that , you are more than willing to let her go if she finds that man more attractive. But warn that, the moment she walks out that door, you'll never take her back.
However, please do not sit around, do nothing to improve the marriage, thinking that she won't walk out that door.
I believe the problem for her is that boredom has set in after so many years. When was the last time you and her go out on a romantic date (without the kids) ?
When was the last time you make her feel sexy ?
When was the last time you make her feel wanted, cherished and appreciated ?
Have you stopped working on the marriage ?
You may be the best provider any woman will ever want.. but have you stopped being a loving husband ?
Have you become BORING ?
No doubt , photography is a nice hobby, but it is not something she can participate in.
While you are out shooting fire works... what is she to do ? Sit around waiting ?
Get a hobby you can BOTH participate in.
You know why she keeps comparing him to you ? She is just trying to ignite the competitive streak in you ( the man). so that you STOP being so BORING and start making life EXCITING again !!!
She may be your wife, but it's time to start treating her like a WOMAN.
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Hey. I empathize with what you are going through now. I can understand your frustration that you are going through now -- being compared at, having not much control of your life. I can feel that you are quite sick with the life that you are going through now, you just want a simple, fur filing life -- that's all. Nothing else.
In order to do that, you have to explore and know what you really want and do what you feel like doing.
Everyone's character is more or less different. Your wife inclusive. People change over time. It's best to find sometime to have a talk with her. Tell her how you want to live your life. and how you feel.
Truth be told, you are in fact quite well off and fortunate. Getting a salary of 100K a year is something that most Singaporeans could not dream to sniff.
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Dear TS,
Changing your job will not alter the expectation of your wife.
Your wife is presently hooked on a drug - materialism.
It is not a matter of wrong and right, but, it will take time or never for your wife to get over or bored with the chase of material goods.
It is very hard when she is getting everything through working hard and experiencing better things in life and the group of friends that she hang around.
I guess there is a nagging concern that she still want to enjoy the lifestyles but she need an insurance policy just in case she have bad days.
So, you are the insurance policy.
It can also be a face issues when the rest of her friends are in the higher 5% earning of the society.
As for reference, you can rent the movie "American Beauty" to watch and you will understand.
I can see that you are still enjoying your job at the present moment and not really want to move on.
What I can suggest to you is use your IT skills for generation of passive income on top of your regular income.
If it can overtake your present income, then you can have more reserves to rely on.
Start reading more on how to create financial freedom and independence with your IT skills. (Not by trading stocks)
As for your wife, you have to watch her spending so that she do not become a credit card slave through chasing the fancy illusion of light and shadow.
My point is to prepare yourself for the changing future and improve yourself instead of chasing illusions.
Remember that your kids comes first and hope your wife can be get over the false glamour of her present life.