Emotional trap
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OK, I'm in sec sch . In primary school, I remember always being left out and being the one who cannot find a partner/group for activities/project etc. Now I've let go of the vengefulness, but those feelings are always present in my mind, never forgotten. In sec school now, I am more popular and outgoing, and can find a group of friends (or OK ppl) to form a group.
However, there is one VERY IRRITATING person in my class, who I have a "friendly" relationship with. (I am friendly to him out of genuine sympathy and concern, I don't really like him). . Everybody in my class dislikes him and some even provoke/agitate him to get into a frenzy and scream out. Then he complains to the teacher and gets then all fed up.
So anyway, whenever we have to form groups, he will look for me and ask if I can join. My brain and heart scream at me to say No,because I don't like working with him. Then those ghosts of the past, those feelings in primary school came back, and then I feel guilty if I reject him. I don't know if it is insecurity. I'm really in a dilemma.
Yet I don't want him to cause our group's quality of work to go down because he firstly: doesn't pay attention ,will ask obvious qns. He also gets into conflicts very easily because he will start to argue and cut in when provoked(unlikely with me). This gets our group members very annoyed and irritated.
Then he has all this silly ideas. I really dislike his ideas and think that they are rather ridiculous. But I don't want to render his efforts completely useless and make him feel rejected, since he already has so much trouble in class (I also felt those feelings in primary school).So I continue to accept his ideas but wonder how to carry on like this. (maybe I shouldn't imagine him to be so soft and weak-willed). Thing is, I would rather prefer to use my own ideas and ask the other group members for better ideas. But I feel that it is so selfish of me to do so.
I really don't want our project to turn out crap, especially when its the only area where I am capable of distinguishing myself from my classmates and produce outstanding work. I don't want this chance to be gone just because I was trying to help and trying to take others into consideration. This ending seems too ridiculous and unfair for someone who makes an effort to break away from the normal cold-blooded selfishness of Singapore students.
In conclusion, I'm tired of being his parent. Trying to pander to his emotional needs(out of sympathy) when its not required of me. My conscience forces me to do this.
Any kind souls can advise me on what I should do?
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knock some sense into him and tell him to wake up and stop his nonsense..btw..you language is good for a sec 2..=)
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wait till u start working............
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Wah...I used to do the same too...until I realised that it was not worth my efforts....
These people have to grow up on their own...in some way or other...
But I commend you on your selfless acts, and also the level of empathy you have for someone your age.
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Originally posted by Oxide:
OK, I'm in Sec 2 this year. In primary school, I remember always being left out and being the one who cannot find a partner/group for activities/project etc. Now I've let go of the vengefulness, but those feelings are always present in my mind, never forgotten. In sec school now, I am more popular and outgoing, and can find a group of friends (or OK ppl) to form a group.
However, there is one VERY IRRITATING person in my class, who I have a "friendly" relationship with. (I am friendly to him out of genuine sympathy and concern, I don't really like him). (Also because he is from my Pri sch). Everybody in my class dislikes him and some even provoke/agitate him to get into a frenzy and scream out. Then he complains to the teacher and gets then all fed up. Then the students also see the teacher as biased.
So anyway, whenever we have to form groups, he will look for me and ask if I can join. My brain and heart scream at me to say No,because I don't like working with him. Then those ghosts of the past, those feelings in primary school came back, and then I feel guilty if I reject him. I don't know if it is insecurity. I'm really in a dilemma.
Yet I don't want him to cause our group's quality of work to go down because he firstly: doesn't pay attention ,will ask obvious qns. He also gets into conflicts very easily because he will start to argue and cut in when provoked(unlikely with me). This gets our group members very annoyed and irritated.
Then he has all this silly ideas. I really dislike his ideas and think that they are rather ridiculous. But I don't want to render his efforts completely useless and make him feel rejected, since he already has so much trouble in class (I also felt those feelings in primary school).So I continue to accept his ideas but wonder how to carry on like this. (maybe I shouldn't imagine him to be so soft and weak-willed). Thing is, I would rather prefer to use my own ideas and ask the other group members for better ideas. But I feel that it is so selfish of me to do so.
I really don't want our project to turn out crap, especially when its the only area where I am capable of distinguishing myself from my classmates and produce outstanding work. I don't want this chance to be gone just because I was trying to help and trying to take others into consideration. This ending seems too ridiculous and unfair for someone who makes an effort to break away from the normal cold-blooded selfishness of Singapore students.
In conclusion, I'm tired of being his parent. Trying to pander to his emotional needs(out of sympathy) when its not required of me. My conscience forces me to do this.
Any kind souls can advise me on what I should do?
At your age, that's very mature of you. Many times in a collaborative work, not every member of the team can contribute to it intellectually, but always try to get them contribute in any other ways possible.
From what you've described, he seems to be an outgoing person, so if your project requires to be presented to the class, he would be a very suitable candidate to do the job. If that's not the case, you can still arrange to hold project meetings at his house, or suggest to him to treat the entire team a meal at a fast food outlet if he can afford it. All these will not only help improve relations between him and the other teammates, and increase the team morale despite his inability to directly contribute to the project, but most importantly, it would make him feel involved and needed by others - an necessary component in one's self-esteem, especially essential to someone who has been treated as an outcast.
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Originally posted by Oxide:
OK, I'm in Sec 2 this year. In primary school, I remember always being left out and being the one who cannot find a partner/group for activities/project etc. Now I've let go of the vengefulness, but those feelings are always present in my mind, never forgotten. In sec school now, I am more popular and outgoing, and can find a group of friends (or OK ppl) to form a group.
However, there is one VERY IRRITATING person in my class, who I have a "friendly" relationship with. (I am friendly to him out of genuine sympathy and concern, I don't really like him). (Also because he is from my Pri sch). Everybody in my class dislikes him and some even provoke/agitate him to get into a frenzy and scream out. Then he complains to the teacher and gets then all fed up. Then the students also see the teacher as biased.
So anyway, whenever we have to form groups, he will look for me and ask if I can join. My brain and heart scream at me to say No,because I don't like working with him. Then those ghosts of the past, those feelings in primary school came back, and then I feel guilty if I reject him. I don't know if it is insecurity. I'm really in a dilemma.
Yet I don't want him to cause our group's quality of work to go down because he firstly: doesn't pay attention ,will ask obvious qns. He also gets into conflicts very easily because he will start to argue and cut in when provoked(unlikely with me). This gets our group members very annoyed and irritated.
Then he has all this silly ideas. I really dislike his ideas and think that they are rather ridiculous. But I don't want to render his efforts completely useless and make him feel rejected, since he already has so much trouble in class (I also felt those feelings in primary school).So I continue to accept his ideas but wonder how to carry on like this. (maybe I shouldn't imagine him to be so soft and weak-willed). Thing is, I would rather prefer to use my own ideas and ask the other group members for better ideas. But I feel that it is so selfish of me to do so.
I really don't want our project to turn out crap, especially when its the only area where I am capable of distinguishing myself from my classmates and produce outstanding work. I don't want this chance to be gone just because I was trying to help and trying to take others into consideration. This ending seems too ridiculous and unfair for someone who makes an effort to break away from the normal cold-blooded selfishness of Singapore students.
In conclusion, I'm tired of being his parent. Trying to pander to his emotional needs(out of sympathy) when its not required of me. My conscience forces me to do this.
Any kind souls can advise me on what I should do?
Find an excuse or good reason to cut him out of your life. You do not need people like him in your lives.If you don't, he will continue to rely and depend on you and you will need to babysit him and he will never have an opportunity to be independent and lived a life with complete freedom.
If you do, then you are doing him and yourself a favor.
You must learn how to be able to let go of people when neither of you are ready to be friends/together with each other.
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Originally posted by themoment86:
knock some sense into him and tell him to wake up and stop his nonsense..btw..you language is good for a sec 2..=)
I have been thinking about that. Maybe a direct approach will work best, rather than the soft, wishy-washy attitude I've been adopting.
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Originally posted by FireIce:
wait till u start working............
I've been trying to 'justify' my actions by seeing it as 'training' for my future work life, (like when having no choice but to work with ppl I don't like).
Oh, now I feel I just giving myself an excuse to avoid dealing with the problem.
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Originally posted by littlemissbonkers:
Wah...I used to do the same too...until I realised that it was not worth my efforts....
These people have to grow up on their own...in some way or other...
But I commend you on your selfless acts, and also the level of empathy you have for someone your age.
I agree that it feels like my efforts are not appreciated.
I can't babysit them, maybe just advise them/
I am not responsible for their lives, it is in their control.
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Originally posted by LatecomerX:
At your age, that's very mature of you. Many times in a collaborative work, not every member of the team can contribute to it intellectually, but always try to get them contribute in any other ways possible.
From what you've described, he seems to be an outgoing person, so if your project requires to be presented to the class, he would be a very suitable candidate to do the job. If that's not the case, you can still arrange to hold project meetings at his house, or suggest to him to treat the entire team a meal at a fast food outlet if he can afford it. All these will not only help improve relations between him and the other teammates, and increase the team morale despite his inability to directly contribute to the project, but most importantly, it would make him feel involved and needed by others - an necessary component in one's self-esteem, especially essential to someone who has been treated as an outcast.
Wow. Thanks for your suggestions on how I can better organise the group dynamics.
I will try to raise the team morale and let him contribute to the group in some way.
But I won't be a slave to his ideas anymore.
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Originally posted by parn:
Find an excuse or good reason to cut him out of your life. You do not need people like him in your lives.If you don't, he will continue to rely and depend on you and you will need to babysit him and he will never have an opportunity to be independent and lived a life with complete freedom.
If you do, then you are doing him and yourself a favor.
You must learn how to be able to let go of people when neither of you are ready to be friends/together with each other.
yeah, after reading your post, I've realised that I shouldn't let ppl depend on me.
After all, I am doing this out of goodwill only.
If I honestly ask myself if I want a friend like this, I would say no.
I will let him learn from his mistakes and let him take control of his life using his efforts.
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When as a group, if he makes a silly comment or idea, then talk it out within your group with him included. If he is trolling, but if he is, then get rid of him in your group. You dont need any more liabilities in your team pulling your leg, But of course before that, if you treat him as a friend still, then talk to him personally about his problem. If not just heck it and report this to your teacher.
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in a dog eat dog world, ask him go fly kite. thats my opinion.
You want the grades or you want the friendship. Which one will accomplish more? What's your goal? To succeed in career or to succeed in morality? Choose wisely.
once again, ask him go fly kite.
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Originally posted by FireIce:
wait till u start working............
wait till you become FireIce's colleague.......... -
if you don't want to void him off his ideas and contributions in a group, than practice demoncratic voting..the idea with most hands up will than be taken.
so with this, you don't need to feel bad, as the guilt is no longer there, since it's not you rejecting his idea/contribution but rather as a group, you and your friends in that group wants only the best ideas..
so even if there's crappy ideas, it is still an idea afterall..when you start working..you will understand that sometimes a crappy idea is a good idea if someone can just take it and refine it for commercial purpose.
Add on to LatecomerX post:
if he is hot-tempered, follow his advice, get him to buy the group food if your friend is financially capable and not those cannot fake like they can that type..
suggest that go to restaurants with quiet and peaceful ambience and try discussing it over the lunch/dinner..
this way, no matter how hot-tempered your friend is, he will still have to take care of his ego and pride, thus in that situation, he cannot flare up easily and if he do, that will reflect badly on him among classmates in the group and in public..especially those open concept, not the super rich book a room to themselve that type.
publicly shaming himself if he flares up..so that's a way which you can use on people like them..
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Work is work is work....
If it's project group and he wants in but the rest of your team does not want him in... he doesn't get in period. To let him in and jeopardise the group is not compassionate .... remember there are others in the group and besides you need to worry about your own work first.
However in saying so.... having lunch with him or being his friend... I think is highly admirable... as it means you have your own personality and does not care what the rest think of you. Individuality i think is what its called. Incidentally thats the kind of emo behaviour that girls like.. hehe incentive.
Kind Regards
Genie
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if he doesn realise his problems.. he will nv change.. at least u did realise it last time..
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good composition writing....have potential scoring well for GP, which you will have more complex life topics to wrestle at A Levels in future.....keep up and continue with innovative writing.....
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Oh ya who went and bump this thread.
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One ex-looser helping another looser.Ther's hope for humanity!