crossdress---confused!
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hi,
Im a chinese guy in my 20s. i have been secretly crossdressing since i was about 14 years old, and have been leading this sort of hidden identity for all this while.
I started getting involved with men sexually about 2 years back, and I wouldd say that I love men more than anything else in my life at this point of time. I simply wake up each day, looking forward to dressing sexy n getting men into my bed.
The thing is, I have been hiding this hiiden life all this while. I feel very tired of pretending to be a str8 guy. Furthermore, Im tired of having to meet guys secretly, such as when no1 is home...blah. In short, I amtired of hiding. I have not many friends, so I am not scared of losing friends. I am only afraid of telling my family.
My partners have been encouraging me to come open, but I m afraid. I know my mum will never be able to accept it if I told her... and I love her, so I dont want to hurt her. But I am so tired of hiding...
What should I do???
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Your undoing is your fear(s) of being rejected by your family and society. It is understandable but if you do not risk in spite of rejections - it is going to never end.
Also, repression is extremely unhealthy cos it causes a split within one and one may pretend, ignore or deny - but for how long? As it is, reading your .... it split within is palpable.
Hence, it would be wiser to unlearn what you have been taught ''to be'' to ''fit' and be you.
It is telling of what you assume to be love when it is not. Lust is not love and considering your age - it is not wrong but acknowledge it as lust.
Your claims of you ''loving'' your mother is not love lah, but the ''need'' for validation, the ''need'' to be accepted that has been misconstrued as you loving her. If you love her, what she or others think of you - no longer matters. Of course, it presupposes that you are self-fulfilled and courageous to be you. When another fulfils you or something ''outside of you'' fulfils you - it is not self-fulfilment but ''other-fulfilment" which would eventually derail and anxiety would be the mainstay lah.
Anguish is always of the past and anxiety (fear) of the future. Reconcile to these dichotomizing polarities and allow yourself to be.
Unless your being u or doing something encroaches on another space to be or do. If the latter is true in your experience - unlearn and not repeat again lah
How can you love someone when you are so confused, feeling ''guilty'', feeling that you are ''hiding'' .... love does not hurt, it is the expectations of what was or what it should be (expectations) and comparing and most of all the ''compromising'' that is bandied about as love.
As to whether you want to be you and risk and still be you it is up to you.
PS - There are only two types of people in this world - one lives out of love n the other lives out of fear. On the surface, it may not show but in situations/circumstances it will reveal and exhibit and manifest what one is all about.
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It is better to seek professional advice on what are your options. But just to let you know, our society is not liberal enough to accept what people call homosexual. Your past experiences may have also affected your opinions on love.
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TS' problem is of such magnitude that is more appropriately handled by a professional psychiatrist...............
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Seek psychiatrist help.
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You lose to me. ALthough i am all right not cross dresser and only interested in women, i am even more famous than you. todae i go interview my own neighbourhood all know which company and where i go. along the streets i walk even taxi drivers want to tail me. what i said in the interview room everyone also want to evesdrop. i walk along the place only the workes there also not shiok. knn you cross dress gay for so long nobody knows? make some noise get famous.
even now i make this post everyone also want to stalk me online and pass the information on what i wrote to the whole oof singapore
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Test water first. If your mother can't take this sort of shock. Then keep it from her first.What I'm going to say is most probably not going to go down very well with most people here.
Think for yourself and for your partner. Mummy is not always going to be there with you for your entire life, your decision would surely be faced with a lot of objections, but ultimately, I believe mothers always wants the best for their child, and ultimately, for them to be happy.
Though everyone of us are being tied down by filial piety, your happiness is equally important too. If you are able to forgo your happiness and be filial, go ahead. You would know better in what you want for life. =)
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i do know my mum will not be able to take it... dats why im holding back.
i just feel it is time i live the life i want...but i dunnoif it is the righ thing to do...
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When one lives with what is ''right'' or ''wrong'' - one never gets to live.
Of course, the easiest way is to keep your escapades a ''secret' and enjoy both worlds - one of ''family'' and one of the ''other''. Rite or wrong - no such thing - as LONG AS what one does or be DOES NOT ENCROACH but it takes lots of courage to be able to juggle and still maintain an equilibrium of sanity!
Also, there would come a ''time'' when resentment would build up for what u cannot express or be if u choose to be secretive or deny that longing to be you. It is easier to apportion blame but remember that all said and done - it is self-created and yours to own.
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I have a curious question.
What happened when you are 14?
Seriously.
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Seek psychiatrist help
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Where does TS get the women's clothes to crossdress?
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If you want to let your mum know without giving her a heart attack, start small first.
Leave a couple of gay magazines around for your mum to see when she tidies your room, or change your wallpaper to something suggestive.
As time passes, she would pretty much have an idea of your sexuality, and when it comes to talking-confrontation time, it won't have a big impact.
All of us are not psychiatrists here, so you may want to seek professional help if necessary.
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You'll have to weigh the pros and cons...
On one hand you want to be able to live a life without lies, on the other hand you don't wanna hurt your mom.
You'll have to decide which one is more important. There is no right or wrong decision, but you must be mentally prepared to face the results/consequences of your choice.
Think it over, try to visualise the aftermath of your choice and prepare some back up plans. Don't just jump to a decision implusively.
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What you have in you is fear.
You have covert activities because of fear.
Firstly set for yourself what you really want or really are.
Are you a transvestite or a transgender?
The first is men whose hobby is dressing as women. Drag Queen.
The second is a girl who feels trapped in a boy's body. Ah quah.
You have to find out.
Then the next step will be to overcome the fear factor.
Right now, you are dealing with your fear and asking for advice on dealing with the fear.
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thanks for ur replies. nothing happedned to me when i was 14. i just grew up to feel i was more feminine than manly. i admit, i am not very proud of wat iam, but it is not something i can control. i have talked to some of my frens, who have also warned me abput going open about my hidden self. i also admit that i am scared, rather than unsure of being what i am.
In agree that i am actually more concerned about my fears. i have so many things i want to do openly. but i am scared. actually after reading what TYING replied, i sort of agreed that menr more important to me in life. i know that without my mum, i can live well, but without men, i do not think life is meanigful.mayb i should just goahead n tellher te truth?
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Originally posted by bambixd:
hi,
Im a chinese guy in my 20s. i have been secretly crossdressing since i was about 14 years old, and have been leading this sort of hidden identity for all this while.
I started getting involved with men sexually about 2 years back, and I wouldd say that I love men more than anything else in my life at this point of time. I simply wake up each day, looking forward to dressing sexy n getting men into my bed.
The thing is, I have been hiding this hiiden life all this while. I feel very tired of pretending to be a str8 guy. Furthermore, Im tired of having to meet guys secretly, such as when no1 is home...blah. In short, I amtired of hiding. I have not many friends, so I am not scared of losing friends. I am only afraid of telling my family.
My partners have been encouraging me to come open, but I m afraid. I know my mum will never be able to accept it if I told her... and I love her, so I dont want to hurt her. But I am so tired of hiding...
What should I do???
You got to consider your overall intention well because once you decide on your course of action, there is no turning back. Knowing your real identity is important, but you must be prepared that once you open that first door, all the other doors will open by itself because words will definitely travel and you cannot control them, even if you told only your mother/parents. Some people can continue life in this fashion, while others have a need to make it open so as to 'reveal' this real identity of theirs. In reality, there is no easy solution, only decision that you are comfortable to undertake after you put in serious consideration.
Be prepared for backlash should you decide to tell.
The cost of liberty is often much sacrifices.
Cheers
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Why not first double confirm your decision first by seeking a counsellor. About love and identity, are you sure your decision is what you want ? How do you tell and what are your options after telling are some things that you need to consider
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Start by telling youself that you are a straight man
After that start looking at sggirls.com daily -
dude, i have tried telling myself to quit umpteen times... n have tried to b straight...but to no use.
its exhausting pretending to be some1 i m not. i hate being a guy.but i act like a guy in front of everyone. i already have almost no friends, so im sure if i come clean, i willhave no frens at all. i hate it. y must we all b born in situations we dont like???????
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Originally posted by bambixd:
dude, i have tried telling myself to quit umpteen times... n have tried to b straight...but to no use.
its exhausting pretending to be some1 i m not. i hate being a guy.but i act like a guy in front of everyone. i already have almost no friends, so im sure if i come clean, i willhave no frens at all. i hate it. y must we all b born in situations we dont like???????
Wanna be frens?
We can be Jie Meis!
lol
Aiya TS relax la...not the end of the world...just think it thru slowly...
Make sure you're mentally prepared for any decisions you make.
And if you've decided to tell your mom...den you better think of some damage control plans.
Minimise the pain and hurt as much as possible.
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Originally posted by bambixd:
dude, i have tried telling myself to quit umpteen times... n have tried to b straight...but to no use.
its exhausting pretending to be some1 i m not. i hate being a guy.but i act like a guy in front of everyone. i already have almost no friends, so im sure if i come clean, i willhave no frens at all. i hate it. y must we all b born in situations we dont like???????
My signature previously was "Your misson in life is not to be without problems, your mission is to be excited." This quote is from one of Andrew Matthews books.
You are born into a situation. Your mission is to deal with it. Not curse it. If you are defeated by your situation, you are going to feel worthless.
Your situation gives you a goal in life, and that is to overcome it. Do that and you will become stronger and wiser.
What do you want?
I only see fear fear fear in you.
The opposite of fear is not courage. Courage means acting in the face of fear.
The opposite of fear is love. Love makes you grow, fear restricts you.
Love yourself first, and get for yourself what you want.
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Eee, you disgusting sia.
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Let put the hurting of your mum part aside. By coming open u sure u will be happier? Maybe u might be for just a moment. After that now?
There are thing u can do in the closet and look into the mirror and u feel proud about it but u cant dress yourself in a woman cloth and walk out on the street in the bright day light and go to work in your office.
There are also thing that u can lift your head up and tell your mum about it but there are thing that it will be better not to tell her....
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To each their own :) Everyones made differently so its best to be who you are