This is my story.
Hope someone can tell me what to do.
My mum's brother, my uncle, has been jobless for more than 2 decades now despite having graduated from a prestigious university in London. He is the only one among my mum's 4 siblings that has got a tertiary qualification. He's in his early 50s now and has been demanding money from my mum for the past 2 decades or more. Each time he will demand a significant amount before he's satisfied to leave our house. (more than a few hundred, recently he got 800 from my mum) and he comes as frequent as every week or 2 weeks. We have no obligation to give him any money at all, my mum has so many siblings and most of them are so well-off, my mum has a soft heart thus explaining to the heavier extortion over the years. He is not a nice person and he shouts at all of us when he feels like it. My dad harbours a great hatred towards him, but he has no control over the situation partly because of his age and partly due to the incident that my parents almost got divorced when my dad threatened to call the police and my mum retaliating by suggesting a divorce so as to protect her brother. There was a cold war between my parents for a few weeks, their relationship has been deteriorating since then. There was once when i was younger (around 15), that i asked my uncle why he keeps asking my mum for money and that he shouldn't, he replied with vulgarities and hostility. Since then, my blood boils everytime i see him, and i feel so out of control, feels like i'm going crazy (literally). He's been asking more now as to gamble more (money) away in the local casinoes. I feel so helpless, but i'll always comfort myself by thinking that my mum is retiring soon and i'll be the sole breadwinner in a few years time, then on, he'll have absolutely no one to depend on as i'll never give him a single cent.
By the way, he's a malaysian, but he doesn't have a fixed home, always using the money he has on hotels or else stayovers at the local airport.
Please tell me what rules are there in singapore that can prevent him from entering this nation? He has no business coming to Singapore to disrupt our lives. Or else, any rules that can be enforced on him to prevent him from coming close to my family? Does the national council for problem gambling able to exclude him from admission to the local casino since he's an addict and he's jobless and he is disrupting my mum's family?
I am quite troubled now, thus please try to understand the subjective tone used.
just ignored him as he will fly away
I don't think the law can help much. Especially since your mom condones such behaviour from your uncle.
But I think you can get the local casinos to ban him from entering ba?
And I think it's best you wait until you're the breadwinner before attempting to solve this problem. It'll be much easier then.
By the way, I don't think you'll ever be completely rid of him, because he's your mom's brother and she obviously loves him.
Bums in the family are universally detested.
But kudos to your sister for putting up with family.
If the uncle is down and out in other ways, like being wanted by the police or loansharks, would you abandon him to the dogs. Or would you stand by him as family. Thats what your sister is doing.
Your case has the test of time, 20 plus years.
Leave the problem to your mum. You only need to stand by mum, and understand her. That goes for your dad too. You are letting your disdain for the bum to affect your relationship with your mum, and cause you distress. You can lecture you mum up to a point, then leave it to her. The disrupting of your family life is being caused by you and your dad expressing your anger at her.
That poor chap, your uncle, is now dependent on your mum. Your mum can either build him up or continue to support his lifestyle, which btw is the lowest and most miserable in the world.
You and your dad have no obligation to support your uncle, so you can make sure that your money do not go to him.
Just mind your own business, and understand your mum.
清官难判家务事。
the only way yr uncle problem will be solve is when yr mother wake up
TS, you've state that he's a malaysian.
Firstly, the casion caters to foreigners like him.
Secondly, if normal singaporeans are able to enter malaysia for a short holiday, normal malaysians are able to enter Singapore for a short holiday as well.
The above should be very clear to you.
The best solution would be to actually inform him that his actions have been destressing you and the other members of your family for a very long time.
Anyway, for every family problem, there's always more than that meets the eye
Originally posted by dangerboi:
TS, you've state that he's a malaysian.
Firstly, the casion caters to foreigners like him.
Secondly, if normal singaporeans are able to enter malaysia for a short holiday, normal malaysians are able to enter Singapore for a short holiday as well.
The above should be very clear to you.
The best solution would be to actually inform him that his actions have been destressing you and the other members of your family for a very long time.
Anyway, for every family problem, there's always more than that meets the eye
I agree.
Perhaps TS's uncle has gotten hold of something on his mother, and that is why she has no choice but to give him money all the time.
I have to agree that the best thing is to stay out of that bum's way and make sure none of yours or your siblings' money end up in his pocket. If your mom is unwilling to do anything, neither can you nor your family members do anything.
Originally posted by justay:This is my story.
Hope someone can tell me what to do.
My mum's brother, my uncle, has been jobless for more than 2 decades now despite having graduated from a prestigious university in London. He is the only one among my mum's 4 siblings that has got a tertiary qualification. He's in his early 50s now and has been demanding money from my mum for the past 2 decades or more. Each time he will demand a significant amount before he's satisfied to leave our house. (more than a few hundred, recently he got 800 from my mum) and he comes as frequent as every week or 2 weeks. We have no obligation to give him any money at all, my mum has so many siblings and most of them are so well-off, my mum has a soft heart thus explaining to the heavier extortion over the years. He is not a nice person and he shouts at all of us when he feels like it. My dad harbours a great hatred towards him, but he has no control over the situation partly because of his age and partly due to the incident that my parents almost got divorced when my dad threatened to call the police and my mum retaliating by suggesting a divorce so as to protect her brother. There was a cold war between my parents for a few weeks, their relationship has been deteriorating since then. There was once when i was younger (around 15), that i asked my uncle why he keeps asking my mum for money and that he shouldn't, he replied with vulgarities and hostility. Since then, my blood boils everytime i see him, and i feel so out of control, feels like i'm going crazy (literally). He's been asking more now as to gamble more (money) away in the local casinoes. I feel so helpless, but i'll always comfort myself by thinking that my mum is retiring soon and i'll be the sole breadwinner in a few years time, then on, he'll have absolutely no one to depend on as i'll never give him a single cent.
By the way, he's a malaysian, but he doesn't have a fixed home, always using the money he has on hotels or else stayovers at the local airport.
Please tell me what rules are there in singapore that can prevent him from entering this nation? He has no business coming to Singapore to disrupt our lives. Or else, any rules that can be enforced on him to prevent him from coming close to my family? Does the national council for problem gambling able to exclude him from admission to the local casino since he's an addict and he's jobless and he is disrupting my mum's family?
I am quite troubled now, thus please try to understand the subjective tone used.
There are issues thats more than meets the eye.
A tertiary degree does not means he/she will put it to good use. Intelligence can work both ways, for the good or the bad.
Have you discussed this problem with your mother ?
Is she shielding something or hidding something from your family ?
Is your uncle mentally stable ?
I believe your mother is not the only one in her family giving money to this uncle of yours. The other family may not be aware that your mom is also giving money to this uncle too.
How are your relationship with your other aunties and uncles ? Perhaps you can have a chat with them. You'd be very surprised what you will find out. But do not be gullible, each has their own version.. be able to discern gossips/half truths from the truth.
frankly i don't have a specific answer to your questions. nevertheless i suggest you can try calling some help hotlines (counselling, legal, etc). those folks deal with all sorts of issues and they may be able to offer wider perspectives and perhaps professional advice.
Sorry to hear that....typically these folk like your Uncle have serious psychological issued regards to their self esteem and typically they have a hard time interact with the society. They do not know how to entrench into society and be a productive member of the society....they basically hold onto some past issued and living in denial.
The paper "Degree" is equal to a pcs of toliet paper. Not that he is not smart. But the fact that he has not used his degree to advance his career for 20 yrs. So it might be better that he accept and learn to start from scratch.
So what can you do.......? Growth Up, Unlearned from your Mother dysfunction behavior, Put priority to your own Life , You can't save a 50 yr old spoil brat.....!!!
1) Your mother and your uncle came from the same parent so they must have adopted some strong behavior from their Mommy and Daddy. You mom rather go thru divoce than letting your Uncle growth up.
2) u have no obligation to contribute and support dysfunction behavior.
3) Growth up is painful for everyone....example you need to learn to let go your mom. and of course for your 50 yrs old Uncle is even more painful to growth up. and so would be your Mum to let your uncle go.
By the way.....ur Uncle is not the only person in society.....There are plenty out there.
They almost need someone to held their hand to get back into society......which is not easy cause they are afraid. Afraid to look into themselves.
The issue asking for $$$ regularly from family members is a regular happening not only for you but many others too. Perhaps we must see this as a never-ending bottomless pit. If that person can work or can be forced to find work by cutting off the easy cash subsidy, he has to find his own money. The only thing though, this has gone on for 20+ years and it's very difficult to put a direct stop to it. It had to be the hard solution which means moving houses, change phone numbers, not answering his call, any meanier ways?
When u donate money to a beggar, alway expect him to return for more. And the more you give and continue giving, dun blame no one, cos he has expected such giving as a norm, your mom had created a begging monster.
Originally posted by justay:This is my story.
Hope someone can tell me what to do.
My mum's brother, my uncle, has been jobless for more than 2 decades now despite having graduated from a prestigious university in London. He is the only one among my mum's 4 siblings that has got a tertiary qualification. He's in his early 50s now and has been demanding money from my mum for the past 2 decades or more. Each time he will demand a significant amount before he's satisfied to leave our house. (more than a few hundred, recently he got 800 from my mum) and he comes as frequent as every week or 2 weeks. We have no obligation to give him any money at all, my mum has so many siblings and most of them are so well-off, my mum has a soft heart thus explaining to the heavier extortion over the years. He is not a nice person and he shouts at all of us when he feels like it. My dad harbours a great hatred towards him, but he has no control over the situation partly because of his age and partly due to the incident that my parents almost got divorced when my dad threatened to call the police and my mum retaliating by suggesting a divorce so as to protect her brother. There was a cold war between my parents for a few weeks, their relationship has been deteriorating since then. There was once when i was younger (around 15), that i asked my uncle why he keeps asking my mum for money and that he shouldn't, he replied with vulgarities and hostility. Since then, my blood boils everytime i see him, and i feel so out of control, feels like i'm going crazy (literally). He's been asking more now as to gamble more (money) away in the local casinoes. I feel so helpless, but i'll always comfort myself by thinking that my mum is retiring soon and i'll be the sole breadwinner in a few years time, then on, he'll have absolutely no one to depend on as i'll never give him a single cent.
By the way, he's a malaysian, but he doesn't have a fixed home, always using the money he has on hotels or else stayovers at the local airport.
Please tell me what rules are there in singapore that can prevent him from entering this nation? He has no business coming to Singapore to disrupt our lives. Or else, any rules that can be enforced on him to prevent him from coming close to my family? Does the national council for problem gambling able to exclude him from admission to the local casino since he's an addict and he's jobless and he is disrupting my mum's family?
I am quite troubled now, thus please try to understand the subjective tone used.
I assume your mum is giving money out of genuine concern about her brother, and not because she's scared of him, right? Try having a calm talk with your mum alone, ask her if continuing to give her brother money regularly will actually end up helping or harming him, since he's only in his early 50's. He still has soooooooo many more fruitful years left to go, and he's already not able to take care of himself now.
Explain to her that to truly help him, tough love is required. He needs to find ways to support himself again, else he will only end up in more desperate situations in future, when your mum has run out of money to give him, and no one else will give him money. When he finds a way to get regular income again, he will regain his lost confidence. Your mum needs to realise this, else the problem cannot be solved.
To be able to afford to get a prestigious degree in UK during his younger days, he must have enjoyed a very wealthy and easy life, and so cannot endure hardship and hardwork. It's long past the time for him to learn such basic lessons, but he still needs to do it.
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
Even when you're breadwinner, the money you pass to your mum will be given to him in the end.
I can only advise violence/domination when he leaves your house as a deterrant honestly, much to many's disagreement...
perhaps by using state-of-the-art photocopied currencies and let him use it in public...and immediately throw the machine away...
he will be caught in no time...thats one fast way to solve the problem ...he will be so thankful and will not be able to make it back to you again...
A sister love her brother. Sibling love.
What a sad story it is.
Talk to you mum about this. Saying this have to be stop or else the burden (financial) will be getting out of hand.
Care have to be taken once your family denied him money and other financial support, he can turn that into hatre and the consquences can be ugly. Be careful, he maybe sharpening something now.