Hey guys. I'm sort of confused. A little bit of background before I begin, though. Mom is a corporate figure, meaning suit and car, everything. Dad was also but I was way closer to him than to mom. He died about 9 years ago. Since then apparently life is shit because now mom's spiraling out of control.
Thing is, I wasn't close to her before. She accused my dad of loving me more than her since I was little. Sometimes she tells him she wished she had married a richer man. Really horrid things like this. Dad and I never liked her side of the family, but frankly I think we were accommodating when they show up just like that in the house, random days where they just come over for God knows what reason. (Apparently she made each of them a key so they can let themselves in.) Shit only hit the fan after dad passed away.
Mom went around telling everyone I abuse her, but she has no bruises. The most violent I've gotten was using two fingers to push her away from blocking my door, and she fell to the ground herself and started shouting to the maid "look she's pushing me!" So that sparked the entire "emotional and physical abuse" saga, which her side of the family spared no expense at declaring what a complete dumb shit I am. Then came Asiaworks, she joined this group, I'm sure some have heard of this course. It's meant to make you see your flaws or something like that, but apparently it just gave her more arsenal to use against me. That she's "brave enough to take me on". Now she's in New Creation.
Thing is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with all her associations, but people don't normally turn out quite so strange when they join courses that are meant to make them see where they went wrong in their lives. And she has done way more harm to me than anyone out there. Why I'm typing this is because the sting in my heart when I see anything horrid happen to her, no longer exists. I'm afraid I'm beginning to finally become numb to what she says or does. This morning, in fact, I pulled out of a one-night family trip very last minute. It's with her and her side of the family. I just couldn't do it anymore. I could put up with CNY gatherings, things like that. But I absolutely cannot bring myself to stay with these guys. I'm alright with my cousins, there are a handful that are really sweet people. But it's her that really turns me off now. I don't want to end up a mom-deserter though. But at the rate she's going, and what she's saying about me to others is starting to take a very huge toll on how I react towards her. It's been what, 25 years of this? And it escalates every time. Am I a jerk, honestly, for feeling like this?
Oh yes, I forgot to mention. When she doesn't get her way, she would insult the maid. She says really mean things to her like "you have no future. I am the boss and the money-maker. You listen to me." I won't even go into details of what stupid things she makes her do. And the maid always ends up crying. Or if it's me she's arrowing, she would talk obnoxiously loud. When I pulled out of the trip, she started walking around the house, smacking herself on the forehead with her palm and laughing out loud to herself. Sometimes she would talk very loudly, deliberately, so either me or my maid would hear it. After dad died, I saw no cent of my inheritance. She also sold off the house he had left behind for me. All these things were done stealthily after she sent me to Melbourne to study, in a hurry. At least NOW I know why it was so hastily done. I'm not intending to pursue because though that money would help alot, I just don't want to stir any more problems between us. But I'm starting to think maybe I should. She gets her way all the time now, and its ridiculous. Even the food at the table has to be decorated a certain way. It's all a little too much of an act for me. Why impose such things upon uninterested parties? Thing is, if it's a one in a while tendency I'm alright with it. Naturally she craves the high life, and I'm willing to let it slide. But every single day, you could cut the tension at home with a knife. My maid is mostly in her room sobbing away. I've asked two or three of my closest friends whether I should sue. Not just for me but I believe (if I'm even close to winning this), she'll learn not everything she does, she can get away with it. She just can't keep treating other people like trash. My father never turned out like this. He was in fact the kindest person alive to me, very down-to-earth and not quite so materialistic or flashy. She's probably a millionaire now, and makes fun of those who are not. She even asked me if my friends' parents are "gainfully employed". My friend was like lolwut.... It's driving me nuts. Please help. What can I do right now to set things right?
Your case appears to be pretty serious. I think your case can be considered child abuse - psychological abuse that is. Your description of your mother personally shocks me since it appears to resemble more as a step mother rather than biological mother.
I am not sure how old are you, since you do not give any hint to your age, however if you are still in school or even tertiary education, please approach help through counselor. If the condition is very serious, they may need to refer you to a psychologist. There is no need to feel ashamed about approaching help, life is extremely stressful and we need help to go through it sometimes.
For now, calm down first. Take a sheet of paper and write all the grievances that you have with your mother. Then after sometimes (perhaps in the evening after you calm down?) take a look at it again and consider whether what you write about her is true or merely as reaction to your anguish? You can use the list to guide your conversation with the counselor.
I hope for good news from you. :D
seriosly dude, your mom seems to be losing it mentally
i know its hard on you but shes your mom, no matter what, she is family
maybe the passing of your dad is hard on you but it must be equally hard if not more on your mom
try to talk it out with your mom about your concerns
how old are you? can you move out
Originally posted by mistyblue:how old are you? can you move out
TS is old enuf, at least 25
but the issue is that we should not abandon our parents just because they go mental
Originally posted by PedoBear:
TS is old enuf, at least 25but the issue is that we should not abandon our parents just because they go mental
its not healthy for him. He needs to ensure he is Ok before taking care of him family.
Originally posted by mistyblue:its not healthy for him. He needs to ensure he is Ok before taking care of him family.
i think TS is a she
Originally posted by PedoBear:i think TS is a she
:-) :-P haha
But aside, mothers are also people. Some women don't like family, some don't like husband, some don't like kids. Some talk rubbish, some only like work, some are crazy.
Originally posted by mistyblue::-) :-P haha
But aside, mothers are also people. Some women don't like family, some don't like husband, some don't like kids. Some talk rubbish, some only like work, some are crazy.
well, what you said can be true
it all depends if TS have any happy memories of her when growing up
was there any major behaviour changes to TS mom at some time or if TS mom behaves this mental for as long as TS can remember
if there was behaviour change at some point, most likely TS mom is going crazy and need help instead of being abandon
Your mom is suffering from depression (it's a medical conditiion, so don't self/family treats).
Who knows, maybe, loneliness due to your father death and/or inability to communicate with you.
Mentally ill but still cognitive ppl tend/like to bring up past memories/issues.
When ppl are depressed or mentally ill, the last thing is to reason, argue or logic them out of their mental states.
In severe cases, medication are needed.
Originally posted by 4sg:Your mom is suffering from depression (it's a medical conditiion, so don't self/family treats).
Who knows, maybe, loneliness due to your father death and/or inability to communicate with you.
Mentally ill but still cognitive ppl tend/like to bring up past memories/issues.
When ppl are depressed or mentally ill, the last thing is to reason, argue or logic them out of their mental states.
In severe cases, medication are needed.
agreed
seek professional help but dont give up on the family support
Suay sia....
And like what the other forumers said, your mom sounds mental.
Might be too stressed and lonely, tts y she's acting out.
Best if you can get her to undergo treatment.
But I think it'll be damn hard la, coz she probably thinks that she doesn't have a problem.
So hor, I think u take care of yourself first.
No point sticking it out and going mental too.
Try to get away for a while, clear your thoughts, then come back and tackle the problem.
I am further concerned with your mention of Asiaworks. I am personally not familiar with it and then do some cursory check in the internet. There has been some claims made about the workshop as a cult organization. I DO NOT claim it is, but it is just that some people have been complaining that it is. Perhaps it got something to do with your mother behaviour?
I cannot offer much advice except that I think you being close to her at least physically in the same house, is unhealthy to you.
Therefore I advice you move out,
Rent somewhere else.
After a while you will establish your identity, your life, you have more activities and so on, and your unharmonious relations with your mum will not be so important or so disturbing to you.
So this is the practical solution.
Tama "new creation" from what I last heard also has a bad rep
Veggie: moving out may be an ok start but do NOT tell her where you live or give her your telephone number !!!! Dangerous
KonkeyDong, leave the country start a new life elsewhere , YOU ARE NOT A JERK , it's been 25 years already I suffered for over 30 years, but your mom seems like Mary Poppins next to my mom who is a pure sociopath .......... yours is a milder version.
I believe you completely, there are mothers out there like ours ( sad to say ) save enough money and move out/away ...... you will never have peace of mind as long as this creatue is in your life
ever thought that maybe she is bipolar????
New Creation Church??? I do not know which New Creation it is hahaha...
@KonkeyDong
Well, I think moving out should be the last resort. You may never have enough financial backup to support yourself. KonkeyDong, if you are young enough, perhaps you can go to a shelter home to protect yourself or stay with your father side of the family. Else, if you are a pretty young girl, I am sure many here wants to shelter you :P. Joking haha.
I believe both you and your mother need help, she is still your mother and you should try to help her. Just abandoning her is worse than leaving her in old folk's home when she is old and remember...she is part of corporate culture and we are speaking inheritance here $$$. You do not want her to remarry and give her $$$ to some strangers.
Hi guys, thanks for all your replies. =) I'll just reply them all here.
Regarding the happy memories, yes I have some. Not many. It only started spitballing into shit when I was about 5 or 6. That's when she started the whole "love your daughter more than me" thing with dad. I would've intervened but my dad told me reasoning with her is the equivalent of reasoning with a buffalo, aka impossible. She believes what she wants to believe, so more often than not, I actually have to lie that I did something she believed I did (usually bad). Like in Australia, well..a rape case at least, she spread around that I slept around even with a police report in hand. The whole got pregnant and I had to sneak back to SG saga. I even planned out my return to studies. My school was willing to push my fees forward and pass me that sem. Mom found out because a neighbour saw me in Changi Airport. -__- Not that I didn't want to tell her. I just wasn't ready and I pretty much saw through the entire thing alone. She kicked me out of the house and I stayed outside. So that point on, I figured, that was the ultimate deal that I was really going to go it alone.
Regarding dad, I guess it's her guilt. She wasn't really nice to him, especially during his retrenchment year. She started taunting him about who had a higher salary before he got retrenched, saying things like "I wish I married a richer guy so I don't have to slog", and when dad got retrenched she made it even worse for him. He wasted no time though, he started his own company, but got pwned by a heart attack halfway through. Guess she never got the chance to apologize (if she was planning to). She still blames me for not joining them for dinner the night before he passed away. But its her birthday dinner, and given the fights before, I figured they needed some time alone. So naturally, after she saw his body, she was drama. I was the first to go in anyway, I went in 3 times. I didn't cry or didn't feel sad, something I didn't understand at that time. Maybe I was in shock.
Yes, you're right about Asiaworks. The participants all talk funny, behave funny, they always come over for dinner and start smack talking about how much they've learnt. There was one night I got really annoyed so I talked back (nicely, of course), I mean the whole point of learning life lessons is to live life, right? You can't sit in a room and get told off and miraculously change. Regarding New Creation...man I don't know. Joseph Prince isn't exactly someone I'd even consider listening to, but mom's too intensely into his sermons and what not. She bought his book, his CD...and the irony of it all, is is that I still don't see any positive change.
What I'm upset about, mainly, is the way she treated my father. I don't honestly care about the inheritance because it's just money. Sure it's important but if she had TOLD me at least, it would've been the least she could do. But she didn't so I had to call the Public Trustees to check, and they quoted another name of some woman, apparently my Godmother whom I hardly meet, and I mean I've only met her what, a few times in my entire life? I have NO idea what's going on, and you know, I guess sooner or later anyone might want some answers? I dunno.
I feel horrible when I don't spend time with her, but when I do, most of the time it's so damn negative that it makes me regret even agreeing, hence I pulled out of the family trip. I just couldn't do it. It's paid for, to Batam anyway, so luckily I can pay her back. Which is the least I can do after that bastard move I did by pulling out last minute. I just don't want to deal with them right now, and knowing that they probably were supporting her in half the shit she did to me, just confirms my detachment towards them.
I mean, life is still good to me, I have an amazing boyfriend, good friends (though few). But living with a reputation that I never built, like the whole abusive/violent/vulgar/loose traits, because she told EVERYONE it was like that, just kills me. The looks I get every time, I mean its enough. I stopped defending myself after a while because I figured, hey, if you hear one side of the story, and you don't come up to ME and ask me personally what's going on, then maybe you aren't worth my time/effort in proving my innocence of anything. I mean, you get it, right?
Regarding the point about not leaving her side, I didn't. Apart from studies abroad, I mean, when she was down or ill, I was always there. I told her "don't worry mum I'll take care of you". She lol-ed me and said "you can upkeep my lifestyle MEH?" I never even CONSIDERED leaving her. If she had spoken to my boyfriend she'd have known I'd wanted her to stay with us after marriage (if it happens). I won't provide the Pradas but I was willing to be there in my own un-luxurious way, that I totally swear I never would leave her alone. Even right now. But I can't handle this shit anymore. But everytime she cries, argh it gets to me ALL the time. My stupid heart is so damn soft. Which my friends say, gets me in trouble every time because if I was smart, I'd move out. But I always come back. Which is partially my fault, anyway. But regardless, she's still my mother, right? I mean, I have NO idea where to draw the line. In my opinion there shouldn't even be any. But given the circumstances....I might have to draw one quick. I did talk to her about seeing a therapist/psychologist for help, she went to Asiaworks instead. It's always about her being better, or knowing more things than I do. But really, I agree. Depression/OCD. She gets very protective of her property, even a hairclip that goes missing she'll turn the entire house upside down. When she misplaced her earrings, she started blaming me and the maid. She locks her room when she's out, probably due to documents about dad I MIGHT read (I did anyway), things she's hiding. I dunno what's up. Lol to be honest, I'm so sick and tired of this I might just move out.
Actually the only comfort I'll ever get out of this, is seeing first hand the mistakes I will try not to make if I ever become a mom someday. Won't say I'll be perfect but...man. Woa. Money can REALLY change a person.
Originally posted by just vic here:Woa Vic. Your mom too? U ok?
Tama "new creation" from what I last heard also has a bad rep
Veggie: moving out may be an ok start but do NOT tell her where you live or give her your telephone number !!!! Dangerous
KonkeyDong, leave the country start a new life elsewhere , YOU ARE NOT A JERK , it's been 25 years already I suffered for over 30 years, but your mom seems like Mary Poppins next to my mom who is a pure sociopath .......... yours is a milder version.
I believe you completely, there are mothers out there like ours ( sad to say ) save enough money and move out/away ...... you will never have peace of mind as long as this creatue is in your life
ever thought that maybe she is bipolar????
Konkeydong,
Some women are jealous of their own younglings.
You are the affection of your father, her husband. She probably blamed you for the emotional neglect your father imposed on her.
Do you know how was the relationship between your parents before his death ?
You will become her competition now that she is able to find a new man in her life.
You are no longer an asset, but a liability to her new life.
Just because she gave birth to you, does not mean she cannot be selfish.
You are old enough to venture out on your own.
Is there a family will your parents set up before your dad die ? This is important information to find out what happened to your inheritance.
Money may be a sore point. But if your father never set up a will, then your mom is the rightful owner of all his money, and she can do what she wants including disinheriting you.
Since you are already 25, you are no longer a dependent. I doubt the law will favor you. But you can still check it out with a lawyer I suppose.
Good luck. And be strong. What doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person.
Don't give in. Fight for what's yours. I normally won't pursue matters with others but when the other party is an asshole, I will pursue every single cent. I believe ur dad leave something for you if what you said is true, close to him, so it's your right to fight for it. Anyone stealing it away is a thief.
Originally posted by jojobeach:
Konkeydong,
Some women are jealous of their own younglings.
You are the affection of your father, her husband. She probably blamed you for the emotional neglect your father imposed on her.
Do you know how was the relationship between your parents before his death ?
You will become her competition now that she is able to find a new man in her life.
You are no longer an asset, but a liability to her new life.
Just because she gave birth to you, does not mean she cannot be selfish.
You are old enough to venture out on your own.
Is there a family will your parents set up before your dad die ? This is important information to find out what happened to your inheritance.
Money may be a sore point. But if your father never set up a will, then your mom is the rightful owner of all his money, and she can do what she wants including disinheriting you.
Since you are already 25, you are no longer a dependent. I doubt the law will favor you. But you can still check it out with a lawyer I suppose.
Good luck. And be strong. What doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person.
Hi Jojo,
My dad was good to her. REALLY good. Honestly. He never raise a hand, never shouted at her, was always giving in. Whatever she wanted, whenever, he gave. He buys himself cheap everything to get things for her. (since thats what makes her happy.)
Not necessarily. By law, in Singapore, without a will, it's split down the middle between spouse and offspring. That's what I checked out. I was abroad then so I only found out 6 years after he died. I wasn't 18 yet when he passed. Intestate Succession Act I think?
Its ok if she keeps everything. But she doesn't have to be such an asshole about it, that's just my opinion. Or use money to taunt me because it doesn't bother me at all how much or little she has. I just want my damn family back haha. You know? Sigh. I wonder how many people had their lives torn apart because of money.
Originally posted by KonkeyDong:Hi Jojo,
My dad was good to her. REALLY good. Honestly. He never raise a hand, never shouted at her, was always giving in. Whatever she wanted, whenever, he gave. He buys himself cheap everything to get things for her. (since thats what makes her happy.)
Not necessarily. By law, in Singapore, without a will, it's split down the middle between spouse and offspring. That's what I checked out. I was abroad then so I only found out 6 years after he died. I wasn't 18 yet when he passed. Intestate Succession Act I think?
Its ok if she keeps everything. But she doesn't have to be such an asshole about it, that's just my opinion. Or use money to taunt me because it doesn't bother me at all how much or little she has. I just want my damn family back haha. You know? Sigh. I wonder how many people had their lives torn apart because of money.
Since your father is not very wealthy, what/who do you think pays for your education and living expenses overseas ?
Perhaps you are coming across as an ungrateful person ?
Your mother probably had to chip in with her income if your dad never did leave much to her anyway. Have you thought about that ?
It's not easy losing a spouse, if she were to find another man will you be supportive of her decision ?
She lost someone to rely on. now her own child is declaring war on her. I wouldn't blame her for losing her mind.
If it's really money you desire.. then please.. go earn it yourself. Your degree is worth more than what little inheritance your dad left you.
The wealth is not in his inheritance it is in your future your dad painstakingly ensured while he is still alive.
Do you really want to take from someone (your mother) what little she has left of your dad ? really ?
Does your conscience really tells you it's the right thing to do ???
Will you be supporting your mother when she is old and frail ? What good will it do to her if she gives the money to you ?
Originally posted by jojobeach:Since your father is not very wealthy, what/who do you think pays for your education and living expenses overseas ?
Perhaps you are coming across as an ungrateful person ?
Your mother probably had to chip in with her income if your dad never did leave much to her anyway. Have you thought about that ?
It's not easy losing a spouse, if she were to find another man will you be supportive of her decision ?
She lost someone to rely on. now her own child is declaring war on her. I wouldn't blame her for losing her mind.
If it's really money you desire.. then please.. go earn it yourself. Your degree is worth more than what little inheritance your dad left you.
The wealth is not in his inheritance it is in your future your dad painstakingly ensured while he is still alive.
Do you really want to take from someone (your mother) what little she has left of your dad ? really ?
Does your conscience really tells you it's the right thing to do ???
Will you be supporting your mother when she is old and frail ? What good will it do to her if she gives the money to you ?
Hey Jojo,
my father was very wealthy. Unfortunately. It sure isn't easy losing a spouse. Sure I get that. It also wasn't easy losing a father. I was there for her and all I did was calm her and the rest down. I didn't so much as shed a tear during the funeral, I did everything I could. Put my own fears, my own feelings aside to stay strong for her and the rest of the family.
Regarding the money, I already mentioned I don't care for a single cent. What disappointed me was the trust. Why wasn't I told? Her life is luxurious now. VERY, from what she took. Which is also ok but what gets to me, is her taunting others, not just me, other people's parents, that they aren't earning as much as her or living the life. What kind of person asks a kid "are your parents GAINFULLY employed?" Oh. A taxi driver. I see. Hmm.. decent, decent.
Seriously. I would donate every cent to charity for a valuable lesson learnt if I could. She did find another man, and apparently the entire family knows, and I found out after spamming my cousin. Ironically, she started seeing him less than a year after dad died. I have no problem with that. He's nice, I'm cool with it. I hate finding out. That's all. I also, did mention, if you did read what I wrote before, that I would be there for her. I never considered leaving her despite what she's done to me.