Which one to choose?
-
Hi all,
I've just got married at the ROM for abt 2mths. I've known my hubby for 3yrs+ before we got married.
During the initial stages of our relationship, he told me about his ex-gf to which I had absolutely no problems about until he began talking everything good and nice about her. From her being matured to how well-loved she was by his parents and etc. BTW, she's very rich as she's the only child. Until she left him for someone my hubby also knew. They were together for abouth 2.5 yrs.
Then she found him on IRC and started chatting with him. He didn't tell him that he was attached, letting her think that he wanted her back. And she's studying in the Australia. By now, we were about 3 mths into the relationship. He admitted to me that he had problems deciding between the 2 of us. I told him that he's free to go back to her 'cos I never liked fighting over a guy as it just degrades a woman. He said he choose me and I suspected the distance to be one of the reasons why he stayed. I also think that it's 'cos she has not intention of going back to him.
Initially, we got heated arguments over the same topic for so many times that I've lost count. Until last year when I could take it no longer, I issued an ultimatum, stating the consequences of his recurring mistake. He promised that it'd never happened again. He even msged that girl over ICQ telling her he'd stop all contacts with her.
Last week, I found out that they started contacting again. He denied when I asked him. Later on, he admitted. And I repeated my exact words last year about the consequences. As we're now married, both our parents got to know about it and suggested me to give him a chance. To be frank, I've already given up on him by now.
I'm in a dilemma now. Even before this problem cropped up, I've had someone, A, interested in me though he never made it known to me. And he's starting to make some move now that I'm having a problem (A do not know that I'm married or having problems with my hubby). The 2nd problem is, I've been attending classes for a while and for every different subject, we'll have different lecturer. This lecturer, B, knows that I'm attached and that I'm having problems with my hubby. My hubby and I attend lessons together, though he do not know that we're married. He got my numbers and starting to tell me that he wanted to know me better.
B is a very interesting man and I've found out that we've common interest and hobbies. He's also very charismatic though he's not a good-looker. I found myself thinking of him ever since he made his intention known. (He wasn't taking advantage of the situation my hubby and I are in now as he kept telling me to forgive my "bf no matter what he did wrong" and he do not know what are the problems we're having) On the other hand, my hubby is more passive, prefering to play computer games and such during his free time and we don't have much in common.
Personally, I know it myself that I won't be able to forgive my hubby and trust in him again but he's been clinging on to me and even committing suicide... On the other hand, I suspect that B is the kind who does not want to be tied down 'cos he said he wasn't looking for a GF but only a companion 'cos he's working towards his goal for now 1st.
Anyone can suggest what I should do?
PS. Sorry about the long msg ...
[This message has been edited by Shanny (edited 25 November 2000).] -
erm... in the first place u hv already made ur choice... and the choice u made is to spend the rest of ur life wif ur hubby... moreover i dun think u wish to upset ur parents rite?
-
Haf read ur story and haf been thinking abt it for the past few dayz
Well.. the thing is that u are now married.. its a commitment already.. no longer like teenagers BGR kind of thing. We can't take it too lightly can we?? It not like juz by saying 'break up' u can go on ur seperate ways anymore...
Well, when u haf chosen him to be ur hubby in the first place, I believe that u muz haf love him a lot. I feel that if there's really nothing else other than toking to each other on the net or on the fone is alrite lorz... unless u haf the suspicion of him doing something behind ur back. But upon reading ur post, it did bear something of that resemblance... COz I was wondering why didn't he wanted to tell u in the first place. If he did not hide from u.. maybe u willnot haf this suspision over him liaoz. Well, it can always be taken that he does not want u to be angry, so did not tell u. IF he is taking her as a normal fren then it's alrite... but I kow that girls will always mind when this happens. but I'm sure u haf some guy frens also rite??
But as for the other guys that u hang ard wif. I think it's becoz u r not used to being tied down to a single guy... Especially at this very beginning of ur marriage... All of us haf this playful inner self, for both guys and girls. Even when u say that pple are childish, but when u r doing it u will fell very contented. For instance, girls of age 25 still loves stuff toys, especially big one. Still love to blow bubbles and play wif sparkles. So the point is that sometimes we just hope to get a little more fun.. but we haf to be responsible for our actions, since we are considered adults already...
------------------
Barely Bearing Berry Belly Bear -
Hi Bear,
Thanks alot for your advice.
To tell the truth, why I am so suspicious and get anxious if my hubby so much as chats with her on IRC is 'cos when we were starting out in the initial 1st 3 mths, he was actually deciding between me and that girl. It makes my confidence in him dipped right down to -0°C. As usual, he wasn't the one who told and I was shocked and hurt over the incident. Took me days to ponder over why he actually wanted to look for GF when he apparently wasn't over her yet.
Hence, whenever it happened, I'd always have the "once bitten, twice shy" attitude. Nevertheless, he always has the benefit of the doubt 'cos I know I can't blame him for everything and that the girl has a part in it. The last time when it happened, which was exactly a year ago, I told him the consequences if he ever so much as do it again 'cos he promised me himself that he won't ever bother with her again even if it's only on IRC.
Therefore, you have to understand what I was going through when I found out that it happened despite his promise. My heart totally shut him out.
As for the other guys, well the only one I was 'interested' in was my lecturer. Not 'cos of material gains or anything, but that we share common hobbies and ideas ... By the way, I've decided to give my hubby one FINAL chance and have taken precaution against his idiotic behaviour.
Again, thanks to you guys out there and to my colleagues for the wonderful help they've given me
Love -
Okie.. I understand wat u mean.. Becoz of the foundation of the r/s. I would be harbouring some suspicion too, if I'm in ur case. I know how u feel abt it. I believe that if everything is being presented in the light theings wun haf become that bad... At least u know that he is being truthful to you.. But I suppose guys more often than not prefer to some fun, little do we realise that somehow or something, the little fun always means trouble.
But then again... He's already ur hubby... maybe both of u can solve the problem in a more family way.. I mean both of u are already together to share the rest of ur lives together. No use fighting over this, and break up a good pair of lovebirds. Well, so long as he gives his words I think it's time to forgive him... that's how love and marriage shld go... to forgive each other's error, but of coz not to get oneself into trouble again.
As for ur lecturer, I think it might be good to maintain a good friendship wif him.. I mean there's no harm in having more friends I suppose.. Furthermore, having frens who u haf the same frequency is already hard to get.. TO share the same interest, it's even more difficult to come by, even the person maybe of the opposite gender.... Well.. u r an adult now, and I think u r a few yrs my senior too.. shldn't be telling u the "dos" and "don'ts".
I wish the both of u... all the best.. and will be waiting to see a cute little baby soon... hee heee. think it's kind of early for that huhz?? But still can wish of it to come true rite?? Take care...
------------------
Barely Bearing Berry Belly Bear
[This message has been edited by Bear (edited 30 November 2000).]