How to rebuild my self-confident in a relationships??
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Halo, I have been facing this critical problem since my polytechnic days. During that time, I get into several relationships that always ended up in failure and I got kind of piss off. So towards the final days of my polytechnic, I decided to put aside relationships to concentrate on my studies.
I was pissed off because it always either a one-sided love or if not I do not know how to cherish the relationship. Perhaps I was too young then.
Later I graduated from poly and gone into NS. It was during this period that I got to know some girls from poly or from church as friends. However, the ending was the same. It was either one-sided love from me or that after treating them with so much sincerity and love that in the end, when I reveal that I like them, they rejected me and left me. (Cannot even be friends.) I was so hurt in one of the relationships that I was depressed for a few months.
I decide that after so many setbacks I want to forget about girls and concentrate on my studies again as I disrupt from NS after 2 years.
It was after I graduated from my adv diploma and completing the remaining days in NS, that I decide to look into relationships again.
However, I faced the following problems:
1) I feel shy and scare to approach gals that I like as I feel that they will reject me or simply ignore me.
2) I have lost the confident to go after girls after so many setbacks.
3) There are indeed some girls whom I like, but I know in my heart they only treat me as a friend. Perhaps I am not good compare to the other guys who are with them. I am not humourous at all.
4) I really do not know what to look for in a relationship as I sort of sick of it.
However, in my heart, I still want to be with someone that I truly love. However, because of the above, I still a single, a lone ranger. I don't have much friends.
I already 24 and I do not want to wait until 30 something and realise that it's too late to look for the love in my life.
Can anyone adivce me on this issue?
How can I get to widen my social circle? -
Well, mabbe I'm not too qualified to answer the questions posted in this forum yet, seeing that I'm only a junior member. But let me take a whack at it...
Everyone has had some form of infatuation and rejection at any one point in their lives. After getting burnt so many times, I can see why you're a tad bit afraid to get back into the dating game.
Firstly, why don't you try a simple enough test? It might be for fun.. but it could build up your self-confidence. Take those little online personality tests that people mail to each other. Hmm... www.emode.com seems to work pretty well. Then send invitations to all the girls you know.. regardless of whether or not they're interested or if you're interested in them.
See what sort of girl you're compatiable with personally... that way, at least you have a rough guide.
Sometimes, guys tend to like girls who are totally not their type. You can go out with them almost everyday.. get a little bit disillusioned by "pretending" that you're both together. Then you realise that she's just treating you as a friend. Bummer. It may surprise you to know that the most seemingly incompatiable person according to you, might actually be that special someone for you.
Next up, if all these girls are actually treating you as their friend. Well, that's GREAT! I mean... for females to have male friends that they trust and confide in.. is an honour which seems to get harder to earn as you grow older. Just be their friend, with time... some of them, might just end up turning around and saying that..."Hey! why can't I like XXX? I mean.. he's always been there for me." That's kinda how a geeky bugger like myself managed to end up with 2 of my girlfriends.
When you decide to tell a girl that you like her.. it takes a whole lot of guts and pondering before you actually do it... it is NOT romantic nor does it make sense to do it on a spur of the moment.
Speaking from experience, when I tell girls that I like them, usually I'm ready to put everything that I've had with them up to this point in time on the line.. ie, I'm willing to lose their friendship and I am ready to accept the fact that nothing will ever be the same again. (Ladies: Betcha didn't know guys thought so much about it now did you?) That way, if everything turns out badly, you're prepared... and if it turns out great.. well, happiness then.
I've had this girl that I've had a soft spot for ... for over... hmm.. 12 years? I know I know.. it's not possible.. but then, yeah.. I have.. and we're terribly close friends. She knows that I like her in a sense... but I refuse to do anything about it, because I know that I'm not the guy for her. That's a bit sad sometimes when you think about it... but when you do "love" someone.. you want what's best for them, not what's best for you.
Oh my.. I seem to be talking a lot. I think I'll end off soon...
How to widen your social circle? Come to the forums, go to IRC, network through friends... pretty common sense stuff. I guess the only advice I can give is not to go out with every girl on the basis of wanting to be in a relationship with her. Just enjoy her company and you'll slowly you'll realise what you REALLY want in a girl.
Geez.. Long Post. Sorry folks.
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Don't like what I'm saying? Bite me....
but not too hard please. -
Originally posted by Ande Tan:
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Halo, I have been facing this critical problem since my polytechnic days. During that time, I get into several relationships that always ended up in failure and I got kind of piss off. So towards the final days of my polytechnic, I decided to put aside relationships to concentrate on my studies.
I was pissed off because it always either a one-sided love or if not I do not know how to cherish the relationship. Perhaps I was too young then.
Later I graduated from poly and gone into NS. It was during this period that I got to know some girls from poly or from church as friends. However, the ending was the same. It was either one-sided love from me or that after treating them with so much sincerity and love that in the end, when I reveal that I like them, they rejected me and left me. (Cannot even be friends.) I was so hurt in one of the relationships that I was depressed for a few months.
Some girls just wanna avoid you when you reveal your 'love' for them and they on the other hand do not want to accept your 'love' at all? Or perhaps you were TOO FIRM or TOO STRONG in your try or stand that they have no other choices but to stay clear from you?
I decide that after so many setbacks I want to forget about girls and concentrate on my studies again as I disrupt from NS after 2 years.
It was after I graduated from my adv diploma and completing the remaining days in NS, that I decide to look into relationships again.
However, I faced the following problems:
1) I feel shy and scare to approach gals that I like as I feel that they will reject me or simply ignore me.
Don't be afraid of failures and rejections in life. ALMOST no one would be able to hide away from these. If you're afraid of rejection from that particular girl - DON'T try, don't ask, don't even think about it...
2) I have lost the confident to go after girls after so many setbacks.
You've always got a choice on this one...? Usually after going through experiences, you'll either build up your confidence or you'll lost your confidence... Usually you'll have a choice.... Thought it might be a difficult one... Sometimes you'll just go numb totally... <- That's better still... Because you don't even have to think!!!
PP
3) There are indeed some girls whom I like, but I know in my heart they only treat me as a friend. Perhaps I am not good compare to the other guys who are with them. I am not humourous at all.
Hmm... Used to think that way too...? Well... The more that you think you're NOT humourous the MORE you're NOT... <- And that ain't funny...?? Love as in BGR cannot be forced... Just like you don't like people to force you into things, people also won't like you to do the same to them... Everybody have human rights... If you know FOR SURE that those gfs of yours won't be interested in you then don't TRY... You'll probably lost them as friends altogether if not make it awkward... And TRUST me on this one.... It's not only about humour, it's about being YOURSELF.... And before you really DIG your head into a relationship... Please understand what LOVE is all about...?
Bet you'll have better luck that way?
4) I really do not know what to look for in a relationship as I sort of sick of it.
Plain simple as that... Never go into something which you're sick of..? Nonetheless digging into a pile of rubbish not knowing what you're looking for...? That only shows that you're not ready for it OR you don't actually need it at all at this very moment....
However, in my heart, I still want to be with someone that I truly love. However, because of the above, I still a single, a lone ranger. I don't have much friends.
A dream is afterall still a dream.... You wish... You want.. You think...?? You SURE?? See... Love is not about YOURSELF.... It also involves others.... I believe that when someone remains single there are in fact reasons for that... Perhaps you're not ready..? Perhaps you're not suitable or even 'fit' for a relationship now...? Or perhaps it's just that the time is not ripe..??)
I already 24 and I do not want to wait until 30 something and realise that it's too late to look for the love in my life.
Can anyone adivce me on this issue?
How can I get to widen my social circle?
Advice GIVEN.... Widen your social circle...? Too many ways... Don't ask me this kinda question...??
ße COOL, NOT s¢rr¥.... -
Hello Ande,
This is gonna be a long post, so i hope u will bear with it. May go offtrack a bit too cos will just type what i feel and think. Hope you don't mind.
Well I can see that u keep 'falling in love' with pple during yr poly days. U mentioned b4 a few relationships in yr poly days, oh mine and thats a lot of relations! Abt one every yr or more? Maybe u wasn't serious into serious relationship then, and that you just need some1 there to talk and care for you only. Guess u like the feeling of being love by some1. So, failed relationships are bound to happen then, cos i think the main problem lies in you yrself...... dun mind i say that. And yes of cos i do agree wif you, age plays an important part. You are just not ready then.
Well think things just got worst for you in NS, i mean yr need to be love and some1 2 talk to as days goes by in the army i suppose (most guys went through this stage, including me, so we know what it is like, esp in the beginning part). And i totally agree with DIM SUM (he gave some really excellent reply, really ). If you are prepared to let the ger know that you like them, be prepared for the worst, cos things can go either way. Or if you are happy just being a friend of hers, then keep quiet. But well, i know it won't be easy, and no guys, i mean most guys could not stand seeing the ger he like behaving intimating with other guys, so its not easy being friends also. But then, in yr post, i get the impression that you are rushing things a little too fast in some of the relationship, am i rite to say that?
Now that completed yr studies and NS, maybe its really a good time for you to reflect yrself a little and see if you are prepared to go into relationships. Don't let the past affect you cos its part and parcel of growing up. Many guys went through all the stuffs you went through b4, and i am one of them. Its never easy to forget some1 or the hurts u get b4 but try not to think of it. It wun help u in anyway or do you any good.
Okie, now lets take a look at yr problem now.
1) If you are scared of being rejected, well then don't approach them cos you are not prepared for that. Wait until u r serious (cos if u really like some1, i am sure somehow we will find oppotunities and chances to know the person better, we are no longer sec sch kids are we? ).
2) Regain yr confident slowly. I mean it aren't gonna come just like that. Once you start yr 1st step and the ger got response, yr confident will slowly come back.
3) Some gers who u like, oh my god! Aren't there suppose to be one only? Think u r seriously not prepared for a relationship yet. If you know that you dun stand even a 1% chance (cos you know they dun like you), i will suggest keeping quiet cos you may end up losing more friends only. Humans only compared abt looks and other things with other guys only when he is not confident or at the losing end. This is only an excuse to make one forget abt the ger. Actually we know this fact: If the ger like the guy, somehow it doesn't matter if he is tall handsome or anything. You yrself know this too, even if you can't compare with other guy in other fields, yr love for the ger will definitely win over all matters. Errmmm get what i am trying to say (paiseh my english not powerful).
4)If you do not know what to look for in a relationship, then don't go for one for the sake of going into one, cos you r just not prepared to have one! Wait for yr Ms Right, i mean the real Ms Right to come b4 you do anytime. Meantime, like i mention earlier, take this time to reflect past experiences, see where and what went wrong.
Everyone in the world wish to be with the one he/she truely love, of cos. But, the world is never plan in such a way that u will get what u want. How to widen social circle? Hmmm..... good qns, heh...... i donnoe myself. Though the net is a good way but i personnally dun believe lor. Cos many crappy pple ard (in irc maybe :p ), maybe other pple think i am one of them too, heh, who knows.........
Think the best way is still get to know yr friends' friends........ sorry can't help u much in this aspect. Nevertheless, wishing you all the best in yr future relationships. Take care oso.
Regards
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nOthiNg iS ImpOsSibLE In tHiS wOrLd
EvEn tHe wOrD ImPoSsiBLe SaYs "i'M pOsSiBLe"
[This message has been edited by Atti (edited 09 February 2001).] -
Welcome aboard to the spacewagon. I'm 24 else well. Honest u r way to young to think abt this bgr thingy. Think abt it, u r 24 got money? Dun tell me go out dating the girls pay? (U bound to hve problems relating to $$) Think abt it, can u pay for ur own without any trouble as well as save $$ for ur future, for both u n her future? Cum on loh, dun take being alone as pathetic. Im 24 alone, no friends expect for some forum bikers to pump petrol. But other den tht i'm alone. Earning $$ is my priority rite now, with gf i doubt u will have savings for the future unless she saves wif ya (until now girls i met tend to burn a hole in my pocket) 24 ain't young neither it is old. Learn my lesson earn money, plan 5 yrs towards the future, When u r 29 establish, got a car, got a stable income (r better have a worthy market value) Worst off go to SDU r SDS, since main point is to find someone with u forever. If u looking jus to kill ur lonelyness, forget it. Find a pro in geylang. No sex but with $$ they still keep u company. Even more pretty n busom then normal girls. Bottomline think abt wht u have and wht u need to achieve in life den plan before embarking towards it. (From your heart, if u love that someone so much, do u want her to work r suffer under bosses r clients who try to take advantage of her? Work hard for urself and a future) As for me trust me if u r in singapore, $$ talks no matter how u see a situation!!!Originally posted by Ande Tan:Halo, I have been facing this critical problem since my polytechnic days. During that time, I get into several relationships that always ended up in failure and I got kind of piss off. So towards the final days of my polytechnic, I decided to put aside relationships to concentrate on my studies.
I was pissed off because it always either a one-sided love or if not I do not know how to cherish the relationship. Perhaps I was too young then.
Later I graduated from poly and gone into NS. It was during this period that I got to know some girls from poly or from church as friends. However, the ending was the same. It was either one-sided love from me or that after treating them with so much sincerity and love that in the end, when I reveal that I like them, they rejected me and left me. (Cannot even be friends.) I was so hurt in one of the relationships that I was depressed for a few months.
I decide that after so many setbacks I want to forget about girls and concentrate on my studies again as I disrupt from NS after 2 years.
It was after I graduated from my adv diploma and completing the remaining days in NS, that I decide to look into relationships again.
However, I faced the following problems:
1) I feel shy and scare to approach gals that I like as I feel that they will reject me or simply ignore me.
2) I have lost the confident to go after girls after so many setbacks.
3) There are indeed some girls whom I like, but I know in my heart they only treat me as a friend. Perhaps I am not good compare to the other guys who are with them. I am not humourous at all.
4) I really do not know what to look for in a relationship as I sort of sick of it.
However, in my heart, I still want to be with someone that I truly love. However, because of the above, I still a single, a lone ranger. I don't have much friends.
I already 24 and I do not want to wait until 30 something and realise that it's too late to look for the love in my life.
Can anyone adivce me on this issue?
How can I get to widen my social circle?
carter
Hope i dun offend u same age tot i share my views with ya. -
this thread is 1 yr ++ old liao and dug up!!!! but then the record old thread kana dug up is still 2yrs....try harder!!!
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LOL. he's already 25!
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