Even boulders will become sand one day..How strong i am in one ways, im sure to be weak in another.. Even though i have known the answer yet i still GAMBLE for the different one cos UNDER DOGS do win sometimes.. I juz need some generous opinions from u all here..
NS life has been great in occupying my life giving my things to do than relek at home doing nothing and now with 120 days before ORD .. ive already make plans on where to go after this..
its been 2 years since my break with my ex and along the line ive felt a lost of love and hope..lots of things to share but no one to receive.. really missed a person whom i care and loved most..
but a long the way. i was given a chance to meet someone whom i can show my care.. a gerl of much suffering, a gerl who have taste the abusive part of a relationship. with my two hands i came to "pick" her up giving her assurance that with me by her side, she will never suffer anymore..my only hope is that she will appreciate it. but somehow.. she came with an accompany.. a couple who are back stabbers..
two backstabbers verses me?? this unfair treatment cause me a lost and now she is nowhere to be seen. fortunately for the short period of frendship with her i manage to get her contact. i jus hope she was fine
this is the "exact script" im gonna send to her..im sorry if its a bit too long for you all but its more elaborate..sorry.. hopefully i can consider all your opinions.. thanx
"Guess this may be my final apology to you.. therefore i'll try to be more comprehensive yet compact. Guess what you've told me before about choosing a person you talk to was true and i realised and understand well. Seeds will never grow anymore, so theres no point for me shining upon it. In the end it only tires me. its no point for me to say so much since you've made your final decision. even though its hard and painful to let it go but well, its your decision and not mine. But i would'nt have said so much if you did not pester me that much and TITI (a backstabber) didn't come into the picture, but still my fault anyway. Of course i would rather takes things slowly than juz come straight into action. i would only be in this way if i was feeling presurred. i already have enuf experience in this but not when a third party, worst still, TITI is involve. ive learnt a new lesson well. Thanx. She is the type that will make me stay single forever whenever she is around. even though i knew this before i met you, i still GAMBLE myself in seeking their frendship (TITI and TATA(her stead)) and hope everything will be fine. i really REALLY never thought it really become like this, as what i've long feared. so painful, so sebak. but well its OVER now and i really had enuf.
Guess it was my fault for giving u "sweet" words during the time you "terisak-isak"(speaking with stop stop after a long time of crying) called me (still remember??). of course im surprised when you called me in such state but what shocked me was the words you said.. TOO painful n it feels like a sharp knife being hurled onto my heart. somehow the pain seem soo familiar n i can sensed that its not your "knife" but someone elses, someone gave "it" to you whom ive known for centuries ago, same old brand new "knife".
At that time i am at lost of words trying to gain back your trust in me and to convince you that i dun mean all such things that you say about me "aiming" those gerls in (a place) n now its your turn, which is exactly not true at all. tears came out of my eyes whenever i teringat-ingat (remember) these words you've said. what i can do at that time is to listen and remember everything you said, gathering all my fluids i have in me into my eyes and came out as tears. i think i had collected enuf tears to make a pail full. For your info, in (a place) or everywhere, i dun really talk to the youths cos i dun really like being a high profile. in (ano ther place), i even reject myself as one of the high post that they offered me. i just want to be low profile, low commitment. i dun like to be in high post cos the higher i stand, the harder i get whenever i fall. i only talk to people, only certain people whom somehow associated with me or sharing common tasks, like you. and i usually talk more to those people who seem looking sad, lonely and troubled. NO please dun look is such a way that im taking advantage of the situation. im juz offering my hands and my ears to their problems if they wished to share. since im alone and happy, why not me cheer them up, being their company, making them forget all the worries they have. thats why i came to you, sincerely wish to know what happen to you. if you are happy and joins the rest of your frends, why the heck im trying to get your attention for? i would rather mind my own business, relek one corner smiling to myself, go out to smoke alone or with TATA or play around the Audio Visual system in the lecture room or even hang out with brother Soh, the chinese but malay speaking guy whom youve noticed he had been talking for hours at me. im sure he still got lots to share his experience with me. im sorry for being rough and direct in my words to be true.
You proved yourself that u r at lost and your problems really REALLY turns my whole attention to you, wanting to know more about you. thats where i begin to find ways to keep me in contact with you (email addy by the first day, contact number by the second..). i thought ive told you before about my strange behaviour whenever i read the papers n discover the section about abuse, rapes n of this kinds going on in the world especially singapore. This makes me different from the rest and do u ever met or hear about any guys who have the same feelings as me? Everytime i read the headings, curses n vulgurities comes out of my mouth, relieving my anger about the situation. On the other hand, i always told myself that i wished i were there there or that thing would never happen. i wish i were there to take them away preventing them from same incident to happen again to them. As long as they are by my side, it is a promise i make by sacrificing myself and my time to ensure thrie safety, security and that they are better treated than before. To hapuskan segala suffering yang mereka telah alami selama ini and change for the better episode of life. And if they suffer, make sure i will suffer too. this is me. even though it seems impossible for anyone to achieve but this is what i aimed for. Its NOT that i will do this OUT OF PITYNESS, but to show them that there are people who cares for them and to show that being alive dosent mean to suffer. our aim is not only happiness in Thereafter but also happiness in this world.
Everytime after prayer, i would (ask GOD) that someday i would meet such person n fulfil my promises if they would accept. But when i met you, listen to your problems, i thought my wishes had been granted.. whats more, you started to message me during on my way home as soon as we got each other contact number and started to call each other up, sharing personal feelings that night itself and ended up late at night even though i've told u i got a phobia in talking for a long time thru the phone. Never had anyone done this much to me before, especially to whom i've juz met. Even with my EX- or those ive met before.. i've never exceeded more than 10 minutes worth of chatting. Feelings that you share with me that night and things that you do are enuf for me to judge that you are giving trust in me and telling me that you need someone by your side and of course i would give my trust and sincerity to u as a trade. BUT if you merely USE me JUZ to keep you ENTERTAINED by hearing my console, sweet words of hope and to keep you OCCUPIED after your BREAK with your EX-, i really REALLY REGRET meeting a person like you. You are just like any other gerls whom ive met that USES me like a TOOL for ENTERTAINMENT. I really really trust you that you are not of this kind of gerl..
i can sense that our friendship are getting closer and closer as days goes by, keeping each other in contact even though we have already met that day. The trust that you give me grew and i treasure it by keeping up its progress very slowly. i dun wanna break such nice frendship by saying that i began to like you straight away cos i have experience and know the result and i dun want that to happen. I do maintain myself, tasting every bit of a nice and warm growing close friendship. But somehow, everything turns SOUR, BITTER AND PAINFUL. i can't believe the situation that i feared most is going to happen at this immature stage and i simply can't say anything right after you have told me what TITI told you about me. After you have put down the phone i fel so helpless, hopeless, asking myself what i have done wrong to TITI. Have i not WORKED HARD enuf in GAINING back their TRUST and erasing all the bad doubts she have about me?? What a sharp knife she gave it to you. it really REALLY cuts up my brittle heart away. The heart that i take 2 years to mend after my break with my EX-. i never thought it would break again. Tears came down like rain that day as i thought it was really REALLY all OVER. i know TITI very well, and im NOT the only ones who DUN LIKE her. A person of strong influence and people like me is sure to lose. Since i know its all over and thinking that you will never call me anymore, ive decided to make my last words, telling you how i actually felt about you and how i wanted to fulfil my promises i make for someone like you. At least before we went to our separate ways, you would always remember that you have met a UNIQUE guy like me, a guy full of dreams and wishes to fulfil. And meeting a person like you will always be in my memories. I even ERASED your number to prevent me from calling you again after i end my last words. I dun like to pester people so much. i do respect their decision and take it whole heartedly BUT i do change my standing if they change too. After i had make my last words, i decided to book out from my NCC attachment at Ang Mo Kio and straight to my Sister's house at Pasir Ris.
I really REALLY hesitate to answer your call when you suddenly called me again cos i find that theres nothing to talk anymore as its already OVER. Wondering and telling myself what more that you still need from me and have you had ENUF breaking my HEART? i thought that you too would like to give me your LAST wordZ. i was shocked to hear the change in the tone of your voice. My mind starts to be in a big mess that time, hesitating every words i say to you but you keep on pestering me. My sentences starts to jumble up from that point onwards, telling you things that i should not have said earlier and did not say things that i should at first. i dun even know what exactly i told you but u keep on pestering me to tell you things what i've no longer remembers. i dunno why exactly do you keep on pestering me but now i seem to UNDERSTAND well. it seems that that the more i say, the more you started to avoid me, feeling that you are giving me FALSE hope whenever i called you. i UNDERSTAND well now, how CRUEL... It hurts me much deeper whenever u began to AVOID my calls/messages after what ive already told you everything. You always told me that you are always buzy with your school work but its not possible that you are 24 HRS buzy rite? Why do you still gives me HOPE if you dun TRUST me ANYMORE? DO I EVER HURT YOU OR TELL YOU LIES BEFORE? Whats my MISTAKE that makes you be so cold towards me? Yet you tell me that you patched up with your EX- who hurts you soo much and tell you lies.
You told me before how bad he is, YET you still want to STICK with him. WHY DEAR WHY?? Issit because he is VERY RICH? He lives in a BUNGALOW? He gives you HANDPHONE? He used to have a SUGAR MOMMY and therefore he is MORE EXPERIENCED? And because he DID THOSE THINGS to you? And because i cant PROVIDE all these THINGS for you?? If so, i will end my words here cos theres no point for me to write any further.. I know its not because of all THESE but issit becos of TITI again? Im sure she will NEVER GIVE UP ON ME and guessed she is the one telling you to be with your EX- again no matter what happen (THIS IS STUPID!!!) AS LONG AS IT WILL NEVER BE with ME, even though
i NEVER recommend you to be with him back. It is until he SLAPPED you hard AGAIN then you realise how true i am right? For once in my LIFETIME TITI called me and surprisingly with the intention on "stabbing" me herself. I can still feel the pain right now, you know. What have i really done to you that you are like this?
PLEASE take note that everything i've said ARE NOT TO say bad things about you, scold you or insult you cos never i had these in mind, but to let you know how i really feel after knowing you and after all the incidents that had happen. Frankly i would say that i can't bear to feel the PAIN that we are now no longer in talking terms like before. i DOWAN this to prolong and DOWAN us to be "drifted" far far apart like this. i REALLY really wish to mend our frendship ties which i feel it had already torn. even though we may not be as close as before, at least we are'nt hesitate lend to each other a hand whenever need arises cos we might need each others help in future, therefore it would be better for us not to have bad feelings towards each other. BUT of course i dowan you to be another TITI, i were there when she needs help but as PRICE, she gives you a knife to strike me satisfyingly hard. So PAINFUL, SO SAD, SO DISAPPOINTING, SO REGRET even though i sincerely gives her a hand. I really REALLY miss the days when you message and call me me now and then, but now its juz a dream to me and your "buziness" seem have placed me very far at the back of your mind, while ME keep ON THINKING how are you DOING out there, telling MYSELF that YOU are SAFE and NOT to WORRY.
I wrote all these things NOT to gain your SYMPHATY, PITYNESS or even the NEED to CONSOLE me. Its just to MAKES THINGS CLEAR to you that NEVER i am DESPERATE to you or anyone else as what TITI had told you. What i wished is juz frendship from EVERYONE, telling them that i aM HERE, i am PRESENT, i got a hand to SPARE and if theres somehow someone who got interested in me, i would menyambut dengan hati yang terbuka, BUT with slower and more cautious steps, more doubts to ponder.. I DO HAVE A HEART, I DO HAVE A LIFE, I DO LOVE AND I DO CARE...
Me would like to APOLOGISE if theres any of my words have make u sad, disappoint you, makes you frust or even "pissed" you off.. Im really REALLY sorry. PLEAse do correct me if theres any mistakes in my words and feelings that i have shared with you here. im sure there are a few or at least one. I would really REALLY appreciate if you could reply these long and tiring words of mine cos this might me the last time me in contact with you as i am DONE what i've wanted to say to you before. Never do i want to DISAPPOINT you or anyone who have met me before. Never do i want anyone to have bad feelings or bear grudges with each other except those who r potentially able to DESTROY MY LIFE like you know who.. well before i go.. my BIG APOLOGY for you. SORRIE. TAke care and Good Luck for NOW. STILL FRENDS OK??? BYE!!
MEDIK!!
PS: Please tell me that you still need me so that i can stay a LITTLE while longer and PLEASE do tell me to BEGONE if you HATE ME and i will REALLY REALLY pack up and go, leaving only trace to show that i was HERE.."
AS Always but NOT all the TIME..
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Professional Critics