i dunno how to help her
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i share her story with all u guys but no real name included.
My friend, Sumini is living together with her husband's mother under the same roof. She is homemaker and takes care of her kids by herself. (her mum in law not willing to help her.)
One fine morning, she finished washing her own side's clothes and is about to hang them up outside. she is disappointed to see her mum-in-law taking up too much space -- for eg the long skirt, it can be hang, using the hanger. instead she hang the long length of skirt on the bamboo to make sure it is hers. she got exploded herself with anger. the day before, her husband was feeling stress at work and in end he bumped his head himself on the bed for no reason. She wanted to help him but she felt helpless. that's how she increases with anger.
in end, his family started thinking that it is a wife's fault on the account of the past incidents. His wife often quarrels with his mum over the clothes and traditional practices. BUT they can't communicate due to the languages ( his mum knows chinese and know nothing abt english and for her, vice versa), The problem often solved with the help of his younger sister and sometimes hubby. in end, they instead thinks she is trying to cover herself up. very upsetting... of cos, her hubby n young sister is not there to witness. often 2 of them at home only..
To end the unhappiness, she do think of moving out to a new home. she got the same response from him -- his pay is low - earning 1.2k and support to feed 2 kids and his wife. one way out is that he can move out to mum place as her mum is treating him ver well. he just dun wanna it as he got his pride n 'face'. instead, he ask ker to support what he decides n where he stays... i felt it is old fashion thinking.
i suggest to her that he need professional help. he also dislikes to get help as he thinks he can solve himself. I can see her fighting spirit on her ownif something go wrong.. often she tires out. i dunno how i can help her. any ideas i can help?
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well, she also argue with her sister in law and try to reaosn out with her. in end, she don't reply her emails or any communication modes. her sister in law thinks she go far too much and support her own mum... I feel it is unfair to Sumin, my friend.... She once suggested they should file for divorce if they are not happy with each other.
I wish that i go n tell her off.
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tats wad happens when living wif in-laws, cant be helped
from wad i noe, its hard for a person who noes nuthing abt chi traditonal to handle her in-laws
soution 1: try not to use hanger and let her use til she song
" 2: put cusions around the bed where heads bump
" 3: move out wif husband(which seems impossible)
well well the rest up to herOriginally posted by millienium_bear:i share her story with all u guys but no real name included.
My friend, Sumini is living together with her husband's mother under the same roof. She is homemaker and takes care of her kids by herself. (her mum in law not willing to help her.)
One fine morning, she finished washing her own side's clothes and is about to hang them up outside. she is disappointed to see her mum-in-law taking up too much space -- for eg the long skirt, it can be hang, using the hanger. instead she hang the long length of skirt on the bamboo to make sure it is hers. she got exploded herself with anger. the day before, her husband was feeling stress at work and in end he bumped his head himself on the bed for no reason. She wanted to help him but she felt helpless. that's how she increases with anger.
in end, his family started thinking that it is a wife's fault on the account of the past incidents. His wife often quarrels with his mum over the clothes and traditional practices. BUT they can't communicate due to the languages ( his mum knows chinese and know nothing abt english and for her, vice versa), The problem often solved with the help of his younger sister and sometimes hubby. in end, they instead thinks she is trying to cover herself up. very upsetting... of cos, her hubby n young sister is not there to witness. often 2 of them at home only..
To end the unhappiness, she do think of moving out to a new home. she got the same response from him -- his pay is low - earning 1.2k and support to feed 2 kids and his wife. one way out is that he can move out to mum place as her mum is treating him ver well. he just dun wanna it as he got his pride n 'face'. instead, he ask ker to support what he decides n where he stays... i felt it is old fashion thinking.
i suggest to her that he need professional help. he also dislikes to get help as he thinks he can solve himself. I can see her fighting spirit on her ownif something go wrong.. often she tires out. i dunno how i can help her. any ideas i can help? -
i knoe, in-laws conflict is usually often seen... but her younger sister in law should understand the situation and keep an open eye...Originally posted by ahzhao:tats wad happens when living wif in-laws, cant be helped
from wad i noe, its hard for a person who noes nuthing abt chi traditonal to handle her in-laws
soution 1: try not to use hanger and let her use til she song
" 2: put cusions around the bed where heads bump
" 3: move out wif husband(which seems impossible)
well well the rest up to her -
Family problem is one of the matters that we outsider find its hard to help them..Originally posted by millienium_bear:i share her story with all u guys but no real name included.
My friend, Sumini is living together with her husband's mother under the same roof. She is homemaker and takes care of her kids by herself. (her mum in law not willing to help her.)
One fine morning, she finished washing her own side's clothes and is about to hang them up outside. she is disappointed to see her mum-in-law taking up too much space -- for eg the long skirt, it can be hang, using the hanger. instead she hang the long length of skirt on the bamboo to make sure it is hers. she got exploded herself with anger. the day before, her husband was feeling stress at work and in end he bumped his head himself on the bed for no reason. She wanted to help him but she felt helpless. that's how she increases with anger.
in end, his family started thinking that it is a wife's fault on the account of the past incidents. His wife often quarrels with his mum over the clothes and traditional practices. BUT they can't communicate due to the languages ( his mum knows chinese and know nothing abt english and for her, vice versa), The problem often solved with the help of his younger sister and sometimes hubby. in end, they instead thinks she is trying to cover herself up. very upsetting... of cos, her hubby n young sister is not there to witness. often 2 of them at home only..
To end the unhappiness, she do think of moving out to a new home. she got the same response from him -- his pay is low - earning 1.2k and support to feed 2 kids and his wife. one way out is that he can move out to mum place as her mum is treating him ver well. he just dun wanna it as he got his pride n 'face'. instead, he ask ker to support what he decides n where he stays... i felt it is old fashion thinking.
i suggest to her that he need professional help. he also dislikes to get help as he thinks he can solve himself. I can see her fighting spirit on her ownif something go wrong.. often she tires out. i dunno how i can help her. any ideas i can help? 
There's nothing we can do anything about it.. but jus to advice what your friend can do.. Other than that.. we couldn't help much.. We dunno and dun witness what's goin in the family.. We have no stand in interferring their problems..
If in any way that she cant do to resolve this.. Like her husband doesn;t wan to look for help and thinks that he can handle himself.. Maybe your friend can seek for help instead of him..
She can look for a family counsellor and relate her problems to them.. Maybe they might have a better solution rather than filing a DIVORCE... This wont do good to both of them.. and the child will suffer the most!! The kids are young.. Dun ever let them grew up in a broken family.. It will definitely affects the kids..
Tell her to seek for professionals.. And dun make decisions quickly.. She had a family now.. She cant only think for herself.. But Also her own Family Members.. Husband and child!
If not really have a nice chat or talk with the husband.. About the issue.. See what's the next best solutions both can come up with.. The Husband should be more considerate and should solved this matter once and for all.. Cos he's the man in the house!! Who would wan a family.. who everyday non-stop quarrelling over small little tiny things..
That's all i can say.. And there's really nothing much you can do abt it..
CheerS! -
She did seek professional help. All the counsellor can do is to have a good talk to let her thoughts pass and hope to involve her husband. But he refused to. The counsellor has no standing to get him involved.Originally posted by SunRisE:Family problem is one of the matters that we outsider find its hard to help them..
There's nothing we can do anything about it.. but jus to advice what your friend can do.. Other than that.. we couldn't help much.. We dunno and dun witness what's goin in the family.. We have no stand in interferring their problems..
If in any way that she cant do to resolve this.. Like her husband doesn;t wan to look for help and thinks that he can handle himself.. Maybe your friend can seek for help instead of him..
She can look for a family counsellor and relate her problems to them.. Maybe they might have a better solution rather than filing a DIVORCE... This wont do good to both of them.. and the child will suffer the most!! The kids are young.. Dun ever let them grew up in a broken family.. It will definitely affects the kids..
Tell her to seek for professionals.. And dun make decisions quickly.. She had a family now.. She cant only think for herself.. But Also her own Family Members.. Husband and child!
If not really have a nice chat or talk with the husband.. About the issue.. See what's the next best solutions both can come up with.. The Husband should be more considerate and should solved this matter once and for all.. Cos he's the man in the house!! Who would wan a family.. who everyday non-stop quarrelling over small little tiny things..
That's all i can say.. And there's really nothing much you can do abt it..
CheerS!
Both of them had a good talk and chat. in end, husband exepct her to support him whatever he made decision and where he stay. he even asked him to make a choice not to be his wife if she can't wait to get a own home. how could he say these things?
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hmm.... i smell something.....
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hmmmm.. well.. the husband doesn't seems to help much.. He dun even care about the marriage and the commitment they have!!!Originally posted by millienium_bear:She did seek professional help. All the counsellor can do is to have a good talk to let her thoughts pass and hope to involve her husband. But he refused to. The counsellor has no standing to get him involved.
Both of them had a good talk and chat. in end, husband exepct her to support him whatever he made decision and where he stay. he even asked him to make a choice not to be his wife if she can't wait to get a own home. how could he say these things?
Respecting his decision is fine.. but at least say it in a nicer way.. or maybe tell her things like.. it will soon go off...
Well, up to this kind of situation.. i guess your friend need to think through hard about it.. As i said.. we cant possible ask her to file a divorce right.. She only can help herself now! -
The problem lies with him is to filial to his parents (he remember the words taught from his parents since young). then 2nd place in his heart for kids n wife.. i think it not necessary for him to stay together with his parents until they die... he can still visit them if he has the time.Originally posted by SunRisE:hmmmm.. well.. the husband doesn't seems to help much.. He dun even care about the marriage and the commitment they have!!!
Respecting his decision is fine.. but at least say it in a nicer way.. or maybe tell her things like.. it will soon go off...
Well, up to this kind of situation.. i guess your friend need to think through hard about it.. As i said.. we cant possible ask her to file a divorce right.. She only can help herself now!
right now, she is still thinking of filing a separation. both of them talks thr' phone and she heard something from him... he said, "I do love you a lot. If not, i will not ask u whether u got any guys in your heart or not." and " Take care of yourself and kids, if not, i dun bother to know and dun care"... these sentences put her thinkingof file a separation off and is unsure abt this... to me, something fishy.... -
Don't get what you mean...? Who talking to who....?Originally posted by millienium_bear:both of them talks thr' phone and she heard something from him... he said, "I do love you a lot. If not, i will not ask u whether u got any guys in your heart or not." and " Take care of yourself and kids, if not, i dun bother to know and dun care"... these sentences put her thinkingof file a separation off and is unsure abt this... to me, something fishy.... -
Yes... Think I can SMELL it TOO...?Originally posted by BearBear®:hmm.... i smell something.....
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Sumini and his husband are talking thr' phone as she is not staying with him for a short while. He said to her on a phone conversation, " I do love you a lot..........."Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't get what you mean...? Who talking to who....? -
what u think?Originally posted by Devil1976:Yes... Think I can SMELL it TOO...? 
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Originally posted by millienium_bear:
One fine morning, she finished washing her own side's clothes and is about to hang them up outside. she is disappointed to see her mum-in-law taking up too much space -- for eg the long skirt, it can be hang, using the hanger. instead she hang the long length of skirt on the bamboo to make sure it is hers. she got exploded herself with anger.
Who got exploded with anger? Sumini...? What she did then...?
the day before, her husband was feeling stress at work and in end he bumped his head himself on the bed for no reason. She wanted to help him but she felt helpless. that's how she increases with anger.
Who increases her anger? Sumini? Hmm... Are you a local...? Is your friend a local...?
in end, his family started thinking that it is a wife's fault on the account of the past incidents. His wife often quarrels with his mum over the clothes and traditional practices. BUT they can't communicate due to the languages ( his mum knows chinese and know nothing abt english and for her, vice versa),
What race is your friend? Nationality?
The problem often solved with the help of his younger sister and sometimes hubby. in end, they instead thinks she is trying to cover herself up. very upsetting... of cos, her hubby n young sister is not there to witness. often 2 of them at home only..
Hmm... Ok...
To end the unhappiness, she do think of moving out to a new home. she got the same response from him -- his pay is low - earning 1.2k and support to feed 2 kids and his wife. one way out is that he can move out to mum place as her mum is treating him ver well. he just dun wanna it as he got his pride n 'face'. instead, he ask ker to support what he decides n where he stays... i felt it is old fashion thinking.
I don't really agree with you on this one... 1st thing I would like to put CLEAR into your mind... Earning only $1.2k a month and having the fact that he has to support 2 kids, a wife (and possibly her mum?) is already enough of a headache for him... The 'EXTRAs' between your friend & her in-law ceratinly don't make things any better for him....
Also, I don't think it's a matter of 'pride n face' or 'old fashion thinking'.... You can call me 'old fashion thinking' if you want, but a man would usually have the wife married over to his house and his kids staying with his own parents unless they start a small family of their own outside.... The suggestion she've made is a possible 'solution' to the matter for now... But that doesn't gurantee that other problems won't come in after that 'shift', in fact I can easily name you a few.... Such an act of moving the whole family back to your friend's place would only SHOW something... There're SERIOUS TROUBLE within the family with the in-law... So much so that they have no other alternatives than to move out... DIVORCE she said? Hmm... Wonder if it even sounds SENSIBLE to her...? Over what? Arguements with her in-law...? LAME....
Oh yeah, have I ever mentioned that she don't even sounds a bit sensible to me...? During this period of time when the economy is BAD and her husband is trying SO HARD to earn a LIVING and support his FAMILY... The least she could do (even if she's not working) is to be a GOOD HOUSE WIFE... And don't misunderstand me when I say that, but I'm not saying she's not performing her chores and duty as a house wife... But IMAGINE to have his husband REAL STRESSED UP everywhere, AFFECTS his job and BREAK everyone's rice bowl...? Well... I guess that would certainly be a scenerio worth CELEBRATING and CRYING OUT LOUD for...?
i suggest to her that he need professional help. he also dislikes to get help as he thinks he can solve himself. I can see her fighting spirit on her ownif something go wrong.. often she tires out. i dunno how i can help her. any ideas i can help?
Seriously, I don't quite understand what kinda 'fighting spirit' you're talking about here...? Care to enlighten me?
I don't think he really need professional help though it probably MIGHT makes her feel a bit better if he does go along with her... But I certainly wonder if it would makes her feel any better when the consultant disagree with her? Hmm... What would be next then?
Probably in his head he'll be yearning for more REST after a day's work then to entertain the 'debates'....
HELP? Try to ask her to be CONTENTED... Life's no PERFECT HEAVEN for everyone... But it CERTAINLY can be HELL if she decides to make it WORSE? -
Originally posted by Devil1976:
Who got exploded with anger? Sumini...? What she did then...?
Yes, it is Sumini. She is just unhappy lor with the way her mum in law do especially hanging clothes area. Quite often. Only I know that she just bang the main gate to let her mum in law know that she is not happy. I know it is wrong act. Yet, his hubby is not sensitive towards her.. I told her that it can't be helped as he is the only son in the family ( he got other 2 sisters). U know, the son is considered as important person in the family, regardless birth order of sibling.
Who increases her anger? Sumini? Hmm... Are you a local...? Is your friend a local...? Yes, it is her ..who else lah.. me pure Singaporean... My friend also a local but she studied aboar... I think she is influenced by the western cultures or thinking..
What race is your friend? Nationality? of cos, Chinese.... But she dun study Chinese language. Grew up in the English oriental family.
I don't really agree with you on this one... 1st thing I would like to put CLEAR into your mind... Earning only $1.2k a month and having the fact that he has to support 2 kids, a wife (and possibly her mum?) is already enough of a headache for him... The 'EXTRAs' between your friend & her in-law ceratinly don't make things any better for him.... Nope, her hubby dun support mum since he got younger sister to take care of everything mum wants/needs. I am awake of the 'Extras'between her n her in law.cannot be helped. I feel her hubby shld be more sensitive towards her and find another better solutions. it is understandable that he is having different stress in life.
Also, I don't think it's a matter of 'pride n face' or 'old fashion thinking'.... You can call me 'old fashion thinking' if you want, but a man would usually have the wife married over to his house and his kids staying with his own parents unless they start a small family of their own outside.... The suggestion she've made is a possible 'solution' to the matter for now... But that doesn't gurantee that other problems won't come in after that 'shift', in fact I can easily name you a few.... Such an act of moving the whole family back to your friend's place would only SHOW something... There're SERIOUS TROUBLE within the family with the in-law... So much so that they have no other alternatives than to move out... DIVORCE she said? Hmm... Wonder if it even sounds SENSIBLE to her...? Over what? Arguements with her in-law...? LAME....
Oh yeah, have I ever mentioned that she don't even sounds a bit sensible to me...? During this period of time when the economy is BAD and her husband is trying SO HARD to earn a LIVING and support his FAMILY... The least she could do (even if she's not working) is to be a GOOD HOUSE WIFE... And don't misunderstand me when I say that, but I'm not saying she's not performing her chores and duty as a house wife... But IMAGINE to have his husband REAL STRESSED UP everywhere, AFFECTS his job and BREAK everyone's rice bowl...? Well... I guess that would certainly be a scenerio worth CELEBRATING and CRYING OUT LOUD for...? sighz....we are living in 21st century, not back to old generations¡K everyone got to move on and keep an open eye / mind to the everyday changes..
Divorce, she do thinks of it but she finds it ridiculous to do so cuz of the problems with in-laws only. But her hubby she really not looking for.. no choice to carry on the marriage with him for the sake of children.
Seriously, I don't quite understand what kinda 'fighting spirit' you're talking about here...? Care to enlighten me?
I don't think he really need professional help though it probably MIGHT makes her feel a bit better if he does go along with her... But I certainly wonder if it would makes her feel any better when the consultant disagree with her? Hmm... What would be next then?
Probably in his head he'll be yearning for more REST after a day's work then to entertain the 'debates'....
HELP? Try to ask her to be CONTENTED... Life's no PERFECT HEAVEN for everyone... But it CERTAINLY can be HELL if she decides to make it WORSE?
Well, it perhaps makes her feel better if her hubby goes with her.. but the consultant wont take both sides to listen and just sit n give advice¡K I have been to one b4. I think alikely „³ ... But it CERTAINLY can be HELL if she decides to make it WORSE? Cannot be helped if she over look the things that can make something worse¡K what should she can do even she try to be content? -
Sounds like you can be a good friend of hers...? Hmm... And pardon me for saying this... You sound like you've got your own unpleasant share (before?) too...? That's why you can empathise with her so much...?
Originally posted by Devil1976:
Yes, it is Sumini. She is just unhappy lor with the way her mum in law do especially hanging clothes area. Quite often. Only I know that she just bang the main gate to let her mum in law know that she is not happy. I know it is wrong act. Yet, his hubby is not sensitive towards her.. I told her that it can't be helped as he is the only son in the family ( he got other 2 sisters). U know, the son is considered as important person in the family, regardless birth order of sibling.
You're quite right about your point... Besides... Just as she's hoping that her husband should be more sensitive to her, I think it's only FAIR enough if she starts to be SENSITIVE enough to how her husband feels about the whole matters and perhaps a bit more sensitive to the people around her (that one I won't know for sure...)... [b]Yes, it is her ..who else lah.. me pure Singaporean... My friend also a local but she studied aboar... I think she is influenced by the western cultures or thinking..
Hmm... Is she someone you kinda look upon..? Say... You admire the things she dare speak of and do....? Hmm..?
of cos, Chinese.... But she dun study Chinese language. Grew up in the English oriental family.
I see... Nope, her hubby dun support mum since he got younger sister to take care of everything mum wants/needs. I am awake of the 'Extras'between her n her in law.cannot be helped. I feel her hubby shld be more sensitive towards her and find another better solutions. it is understandable that he is having different stress in life.
Sometimes 'better solutions' just sounds 'better' in THEORY.... In this case, like the proposal she've suggested is not so easy in carrying out... (not from his husband, the actor's point at least...) Alot of other things could end up winding into the situation if it gets anymore complicated.... And in the case where if it would be finally carried out.... Consequences would come in....
Talk about being sensitive...? Her husband's a human too...? So is his mum... His sisters... Carrying out such an act won't it be like siding his wife and not siding the mum in his mother's eyes...? It's not about being TRADITION and OLD-FASHION in thoughts...? It's about BEING SENSITIVE.... Not only to his wife... But to his mum's feelings too... Afterall, who's the one responsible for WHO HE IS today...? I can ALMOST ASSURE you that his mum's efforts probably couldn't be overlooked... And also, I can assure you that this is NOT about being TRADITIONAL... If he can just IGNORE his mum today, he can as easily ignore his wife (your friend) and his children in the future to come.... sighz....we are living in 21st century, not back to old generations¡K everyone got to move on and keep an open eye / mind to the everyday changes..
MOVING ON is sometimes easier said than done... Everybody stands in a DIFFERENT position with a DIFFERENT background... Let's say I can take just 8 mins to walk a 100m... Of course it won't be so difficult for me... But it DOESN'T mean that everybody else would be able to do that...? People with background complications (sick or old..).... People in a flooded area or in the mountains...
MOVE ON.... Very easy to say from my position.... You shouldn't GENERALISED by saying that we're living in the 21st century... Are you a working class may I ask?
I won't talk about the 'century' here... I'll talk to you something MORE PRACTICAL... THIS YEAR... Recognise it or not, it IS a DIFFICULT year....
Divorce, she do thinks of it but she finds it ridiculous to do so cuz of the problems with in-laws only. But her hubby she really not looking for.. no choice to carry on the marriage with him for the sake of children.
Hmm... Ok... Glad that she realise its ridiculous too...?
Well, it perhaps makes her feel better if her hubby goes with her.. but the consultant wont take both sides to listen and just sit n give advice¡K I have been to one b4.
Ok... But my GUESS is her husband might have this MENTALITY that it's probably gonna be just a WASTE OF TIME... Not meaning that the consultation is gonna be useless, but your friend probably would just create other din even is this consultation turns out not to her satisfaction or unfavourable to her... [b]I think alikely „³ ... But it CERTAINLY can be HELL if she decides to make it WORSE? Cannot be helped if she over look the things that can make something worse¡K what should she can do even she try to be content?
I can only say this is not really the time to blow up matters... There're probably other ways to work things out... Why can she think of working things out between her and her hubby BUT NOT between her and her in-law...? Why would she expect people to give in to HER 'plan' but not work another 'plan' out or just listen to what everybody else has to say in terms like negotiation...?
From the way I see it, her 'plan' just very much constitute of what she WANTS and what she THINKS... Very little (if at all?) of what others feel and what others have got to say...? Need I say more? -
yes, she is my good friend...Originally posted by Devil1976:Sounds like you can be a good friend of hers...? Hmm... And pardon me for saying this... You sound like you've got your own unpleasant share (before?) too...? That's why you can empathise with her so much...?
i got my own similiar case to hers but hers is a bit complicated than mine.. -
Hmm... Certainly sounds like so...?Originally posted by millienium_bear:yes, she is my good friend...
i got my own similiar case to hers but hers is a bit complicated than mine..