I feel so depressed because i find no one talks to me at my new school... or people here (Asians 99.999% in this school; Singaporean) are very hard to talk to. It seems I am always the guy trying to do the talking, not much conversation comes back my way, i cant remember the last question that was direct at me. I am always the "transmitter" never the "reciever". I really don't know what is wrong with me, i want to be accepted by the people around me here, i want to laugh with them at their local jokes, I want to be patted on the back, I want to be playful by stealing their IC and joking at the photograph and i want them to do that to me, I want to congregate in a group of 4 people with them, I want to be like them. I don't know why it is so hard.
I am a Eurasian, but unlike most Eurasians I don't look Eurasian. Most Eurasians look more local or malay, but i look almost totally caucasian. I believe people here think that they can better relate to people of their own race or category. FUrthermore i am a foreigner, British passport holder. You can rebutt me by pointing at T (who is Singaporean Indian), H (who is a vietnamese citizen), E (Malaysian citizen). Yes! They are foreign too, they are accepted and they get hugs and most importantly-conversation. But you fail to see that they are under the same category-Asian, whereas i am completely out of-.... no.... I am in that category because of my mixed blood, but i look like i am completely out of it. Maybe that is why I am isolated from other people.
It is hard to get into their clicks, they already have formed them since when... to enter them now would look foolish and wannabe-like. Furthermore, they already have their vocal-time full with their own click members, no time to socialise with others
I feel like i am on an island populated with monkeys, and i am the only ant on that island with no one to relate to or socialise with. The only form of socialisation thing i get is- the occasional "hi" "bye" which I INITIATE with a smile... it is never initiated towards me... never... well 98% of the time anyway. By the laws of economics, it has been said that the utility of activities declines as more of that activity is done, well... my utility derived from "hi"s and "bye"s (self-initiated) is declining... I want more... I want deeper socialisation with these people. I am not talking about romance and relationships (as most teenagers often dwell on), ha, I cant even have that when I have not got the basics right yet...
Via logical examination, there must be something odd or wrong with me, but WHAT? I speak the language... there should be no communication gaps, but there is. Even my PW work group, I hardly know what is going on, i can hardly pick up intel from their discussions (which is mostly between the 3 Chinese girls, the only other guy is hardly around cos of his hockey stuff, and no one fills me in on the plans until i ask). People have often said language overcomes barriers, i fear it is not so, for i now believe within every Asian (after reading a post from another Eurasian in this forum)- lies a mechanism in their breast which triggers off 'alienate the foreign looking person- we cant relate to him/her, stay with our own kind, they relate to us'. I believe almost every Asian is like that now... they communicate to our kind (1st generation Eurasians and
Caucasians) only when they need to... it is apparent in all walks of life - be with your own kind- the malays all sit together at cafeterias (even in NS, there are seperate sides of the Cafe, 1 for muslims and 1 for chinese)...the Indians also have their brotherhood as
do the Chinese... that is the way our world works... bondage by ethnicity... HENCE I believe the problem with me lies within my ethnicity, i am not them, well i am halvely them... but i look totally "un-them".
It cant be race alone can it? Most Eurasians should be well off with the locals, since Eurasians are a link between the Asians and Caucasians... they speak local tongue,,, most of them can grasp local jokes, plus to (local guys) the "Eurasian chicks are hot". Maybe I am not a girl, then it would otherwise be easier to socialise... but then only with guys... and the guys would only want to talk to me for my body.... but then again that is better than being alone on my island. So it must be gender... if I were a girl, I would get more social click with the guys... maybe not the girls, cos they would think me a bimbo who attracts all the guys... but in my present case, most local guys would think i am attracting all the girls... but that is not true I AM NOT, i cant even hold a simple
conversation with them because they are hard to talk to. THe other day I was in a game server; from my voice on the mic, the local players recognised me as "angmor", i said i was Eurasian... the 1st thing replied back was "got sister to intro or not"... I said "if i said yes, you will want to be my friend and get her intro... you also wont ban me from the server if i misbehave cos u want to be introduced yes?" The guy replied.... "true.. hehe". When i was in a previous school for 1st 3 months, most of the guys kept asking me if I got a sister... (actually I don't)... when i replied "no", their interest in me absolutely declined to nil... Maybe to get on with people I must "have a sister", then at least I could get some conversation... maybe...
Steven from upstairs is also 1st gen Eurasian, he tells me he never associates with his local school friends because "they are hard to talk to", he hangs out with expat white friends... I think race is a factor in deciding how much social stuff u will get in a local school, race and citizenship.
But i cant be too shallow in my assessment, maybe it is how i carry myself. I think i am ok... it is just that no-one asks me anything, it is always me trying desperately to make small-talk. It is as if they don't want me to make small-talk because they are not into
it, yet they do small-talk with their friends, and their friends are local and more importantly -Asian. So i hardly know what is wrong with my character. Probably i am too open-minded and very questioning? They don't like questioning people? I ask why cant Art
Work be folded? Maybe that warrants alienation... among other things i ask which i cant recall. THen again perhaps my views of ok sociable behaviour may differ from the local view, which brings culture into consideration. But culture is most often influenced by
race, and race is influenced by nationality. Again Race is brought into the assesment.
I think X from my PW group does not like me... or has some kind of problem with me, i can read it in her behaviour, no conversation, no greetings etc - the usual- i am used to. But unlike most others, she does not make eye contact this time, which segregates this case from all other cases of alienation. I must find out what is the problem, and try to perfect myself by apologising and repenting as is the right thing to do in chivalry. Because if there is something wrong with me which she detects, there are other people who may alienate me for the same reason, so i had best remove that reason. I sent her an email asking informally "are we cooL? Do you have a problem with me or anything i have done to offend you?" That was last week, i have gotten no reply. After this week i will send it again... stating that I will ask her in person the next time i see her. But i wonder why she would not reply? She muist have seen her mail because I have recieved many forwards from her (not as if she emailed it to me, she emailed it to the class, the class list has my email address on it, so it indirectly got to me as well, don't think it a want to be friendly with me), meaning she has been accessing her email account recently...but not replying to me msg. So i have no idea what is wrong, i grow more nervous that i have done something wrong, but what?
Because of this, i think i am an abomination. I am a filthy cross-between an angmor and a chinese mother (who most likely is an spg; they are not well liked apparently; although she denies it). I think myself weak and putrid, not fit enough even to warrant any
conversation from people... Not knowing what is exactly wrong also makes me sad...because I lack the means to improve...to improve i must know the problem before i can change. I hope a psychiatrist can help me find my problems. Because i am what i am racially... i am foreign and i am what i am culturally... i share diff. cultural values and hence diff life-styles... so i find it hard to relate to them and they find it hard to relate to me... that must be the problem i think. Race defines culture... culture defines lifestyle, lifestyle defines how well u relate to others (mostly of the same lifestyle)... in the end it all comes down to race... race, culture and lifestyle are all intertwined. This is why countries and peoples exist... Perhaps back in my homeland, I am as normal as a twig in the Thames. But here I am a freak to the locals...
I am sorry if I have offended anyone here... it is just that i am tired of whining to myself and typing my feelings in a notepad which no one reads,,, it would be pointless if no one knew how i felt... I just have this desire to express myself. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my words or expression. I just need to let it out...
maybe u should give yourself more time to communicate with your local friends... with time u can undestand their jokes, our way of living etc... or u can come here to make more friends... 
