confused. about one girl.
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Hi. Not new here. Cause usually lurking around. But need some advise today or just somebody to talk to.
Its about me and one girl. I'm feeling damn fucked now. Couldn't sleep.
There's this girl who went steady with me recently. She's my second girlfriend. Before we went steady I didn't treat her very well. But talked to her on sms and phone alot. 90% of which was initiated by her. I think she liked me for very long. But I didn't do anything. Cause I really liked the relationship we were having being really good friends and didn't want to spoil it. And also I was very affected by my first relationship thats why I didn't bother to go and find a new girlfriend hence treating girls specially. It hurts alot. And its starting to hurt now.
But after constant teasing by our friends and stuff, I began to slowly fall for her unknowningly. After she expressed her feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. I began to change my attitude towards her from friend status to boyfriend status and became alot nicer to her, even asked around my other female friends what should a boyfriend do. At first she something along the lines of "if i didnt sms u u wouldnt sms me right" and become kinda moody after that. I asked my friend about it and she told me that I should start calling and smsing her since I was already her boyfriend. I do that now. The relationship been ok for about one week. We've hold hands and hugggled together. But I feel that she isn't putting any effort into the relationship. The phone conversations we had before we went steady was so much more lifely and jokely. Now its like she's more quiet and expects me to do most of the talking. I feel that she's not putting any effort into the relationship at all. She was very much nicer to talk on the phone before we went steady. But at least now she still sounds normal when we sms. Maybe because I can't hear her moody voice from smses.
I don't think I expect much from her. I not so possessive as her ex's she hint that maybe I don't love her that much. I don't expect as much as her ex's she hints that maybe I don't love her as much also. I'm trying to give in to her as much as I can already.
Today(just now) I got kinda pissed at her, but tried to talk to her nicely still, asking her to please talk nicely and not give me all those one word reply in that sian sian voice. She just carried on that stupid attitude. I got really pissed and felt like slamming down the phone. But I didn't want to vent any of my anger at her.
She says I'm too beng and scolds alot of bad words. But its not like she didn't know me before. We know each other for quite long already and she knows my attitude. She wasn't quite pleased at my idea of piercing earholes and I told her I wouldn't if she just said so. She just kept going its your choice you can do whatever you want. -
good morning friend.
welcome to the world of couplehood.
the difference between friends and lovers is one word.
expectations.
nope, i dun believe u when u say it's the same. it's NOT man.. and why should it not be? you both have taken the commitment to go further in the reln, it's just a nicer way of saying "i will now expect more from u". it goes both ways of course.
of course i'm not saying that love means to expect. of course the cliche is that love DOESN'T expect. but that's a cliche; that's not wat u have here. it's how you BOTH wanna handle that "change in status". u both have to understand it and work with it, not be irritated over it. and BOTH have to do it, or the reln dies. -
Good morning... hope I'm not too late. Anyway rushing for lesson soon... so here's some quickies, hopefully can help you thru for a while
Firstly, I will sum it all up as a case of change in expection due to change in roles. By the way, how long have you guys been together?
Initially you guys hit it off well as friends. As friends, there's not much expectation one has to live with. (ie, calling each other, smsing each other, blah blah blah) As long as one is comfy, anyone can take the initiative to call the other friend up.
Now that you guys are in a r/s, definitely your gf will expect you to take the initiative of calling her/smsing her, plus all other 'routines' that happen in a r/s.
Have you asked yourself, why are you constantly getting pissed with her? Becoz you felt shortchanged in the r/s, becoz you are angry with her that you often have to take the initiative, becoz she just don't seem to put in effort in communicating with you?
You said it's bcoz of teasing from friends that you slowly fall for her... pardon me for my frankness, but offhand, is there anything about her which you like? If you have to consider over this point then may I ask that you review the r/s. Solely on the fact that you're swayed by emotional and external factors (friends, stuffs you mentioned)
A healthy r/s is not about giving in constantly. WHY? Becoz one fine day like now, when you decide you've enough of giving in, you'll feel vulnerable and starts to question on your actions.
A healthy r/s is about communication and being frank with how each other feels. I don't think it's advisable if you continue to get pissed with your gf and not talk to her about what is it you want, vice versa.
I supposed your gf wants you to know what she wants. Which in this case, I strongly feel all the more you should talk to her about it. Don't be playing mind games. Bcoz once you read wrongly and the whole game is over.
By telling you it's your choice to do what you want is bcoz she wants you to not think she's dominant to even control you in doing what you want. Of coz you can also think in the other way, she's being spiteful.. all depends on the nature of your gf.
Well, when expectation changes, attitude changes. When attitude changes, pespective follows suit.. blah blah blah...
Hope you will be able to find the utimate happiness with your gf.
Be peace with others is being peace to yourself...
/looks back.... actually it's not really a quickie.. kinda long post...
/runs out... -
really serious contender for resident female aunt agony...
the others seem to have disappeared! -
I have never support entering into a relationship for the sake of entering (devoid of chemistry and such). Your are subconsciously affected by your peer's influence and the mind's & heart's willingness to give a chance to her, which trigger the birth of this relationshipOriginally posted by feelingsad:Hi. Not new here. Cause usually lurking around. But need some advise today or just somebody to talk to.
Its about me and one girl. I'm feeling damn fucked now. Couldn't sleep.
There's this girl who went steady with me recently. She's my second girlfriend. Before we went steady I didn't treat her very well. But talked to her on sms and phone alot. 90% of which was initiated by her. I think she liked me for very long. But I didn't do anything. Cause I really liked the relationship we were having being really good friends and didn't want to spoil it. And also I was very affected by my first relationship thats why I didn't bother to go and find a new girlfriend hence treating girls specially. It hurts alot. And its starting to hurt now.
But after constant teasing by our friends and stuff, I began to slowly fall for her unknowningly. After she expressed her feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. I began to change my attitude towards her from friend status to boyfriend status and became alot nicer to her, even asked around my other female friends what should a boyfriend do. At first she something along the lines of "if i didnt sms u u wouldnt sms me right" and become kinda moody after that. I asked my friend about it and she told me that I should start calling and smsing her since I was already her boyfriend. I do that now. The relationship been ok for about one week. We've hold hands and hugggled together. But I feel that she isn't putting any effort into the relationship. The phone conversations we had before we went steady was so much more lifely and jokely. Now its like she's more quiet and expects me to do most of the talking. I feel that she's not putting any effort into the relationship at all. She was very much nicer to talk on the phone before we went steady. But at least now she still sounds normal when we sms. Maybe because I can't hear her moody voice from smses.
I don't think I expect much from her. I not so possessive as her ex's she hint that maybe I don't love her that much. I don't expect as much as her ex's she hints that maybe I don't love her as much also. I'm trying to give in to her as much as I can already.
Today(just now) I got kinda pissed at her, but tried to talk to her nicely still, asking her to please talk nicely and not give me all those one word reply in that sian sian voice. She just carried on that stupid attitude. I got really pissed and felt like slamming down the phone. But I didn't want to vent any of my anger at her.
She says I'm too beng and scolds alot of bad words. But its not like she didn't know me before. We know each other for quite long already and she knows my attitude. She wasn't quite pleased at my idea of piercing earholes and I told her I wouldn't if she just said so. She just kept going its your choice you can do whatever you want.
Now, it seemed that everything is different than before. Friendship and romance are both separate entity - she knows that you scold bad words, etc - HOWEVER she desire and hope that you could change this flaw. Its different case entirely - speaking on the context of boyfriend and a causal friend.
Now for the communication part: it seemed that after she has gotten what she wants, she slack in her effort in putting into the relationship. The character before was only a drive to get you - after that, probably is her true self because the drive is gone.
Together with the womanly curse of saying one thing and meaning other story altogether? (Piercing ear issue). What's happening?
You are now walking as a couple, looking into the same direction. Its entirely different and you must embrace the changes. You are feeling weird because the expectation of this relationship to be isn't what it SEEMED to be & yes, its true - everyone's relationship is different and unique. You can't assume your relationship to be the same as people's just by asking. You have to source it yourself.
Give some time and communicate to settle things down. Relationship isn't about popping the question and everything will be on the right track - most importantly, its about sharing the woe and problems that are affecting you and discuss it rationally to your other half.
Cheers -
So what's the outcome now?Originally posted by feelingsad:. -
Well, things will definitely be different when the status btw a boy n a gal changed from frens to boyfren.
She might not mind u being beng when both of u are frens, but seriously, if u r her bf, she expects differently.
Perhaps she wants someone who is much like prim and proper kind to be with her?
Well, as a gal, I must say, if a gal wans a serious relationship, she might look for those that eventually are marrigeable. Not all gals think so far of course. But then, looking for bfs has totally non-similar criteria as looking for potential husbands kind of bf.
Maybe, jus be patient. Cool things off first. U'll be fine ok? -
Thanks everybody for the advice. I wrote quite a length email (would have wrote a letter but I don't see her that often) to her telling her how I felt and everything. And I mentioned that I felt that she wasn't putting in any effort in the relationship at all. After 3 emails, everything went back to normal. She began treating me abit nicer.
Telling each other how you really feel can really help solve problems. So anybody out there, if you're having any problems in your relationship, do talk over it. -
Effective communication makes the whole relationship smoother and far more easier than playing mind games, don't you think?
Hope everything is back to norm now. all the best
Cheerz... -
hooray~~!
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Originally posted by feelingsad:Thanks everybody for the advice. I wrote quite a length email (would have wrote a letter but I don't see her that often) to her telling her how I felt and everything. And I mentioned that I felt that she wasn't putting in any effort in the relationship at all. After 3 emails, everything went back to normal. She began treating me abit nicer.
Telling each other how you really feel can really help solve problems. So anybody out there, if you're having any problems in your relationship, do talk over it. Logically everyone knows.... but in reality, only a handful does effective communication.
Anyway, I wish you well.
/me slap a pat unto feelingsad
Cheers -
Hmm. that sounds like my first stead....
its over in a mth.
exactly the same situation.
Glad things are going fine now. good luck to u. -
Now guess what... I think she went back to her old self again... She doesn't seem intrested in conversations (on MSN and SMS).
Maybe she's tired or something. Since yesterday after I went out with her after she studied with her friends, she was really tired but I felt that she was quite bored and didn't talk much. She wanted to go home early, so I sent her home early. She didn't want me to send her all the way in like last time, so I just saw her off at the traffic light and went off to catch a bus and meet my friends.
When I SMSed her like around 11+ today she didn't seem to receptive... just told me that she was online. And went I came online to talk to her... it was me trying to keep the conversation going. It went basically about me asking questions about her day and she answering. She went offline after a while.
If we were friends like last time, I wouldn't have bothered about her if she didn't seem like she was intrested in the conversations at all. I'm trying to treat her nicer but is it out of love or just responsibility?
Am I being too sensitive?
How do I really know that I love this girl? I don't really know why I went into this relationship too. I can say that if she wasn't intrested in me and kept dropping hints I wouldn't have went into this relationship and carried on with my happy carefree single life.
Sometimes she really nice and makes me feel so nice to be in this relationship, sometimes she just makes me wonder if this relationship is really worth going into. -
You have already half the work to solve this problem (the summary and actual feelings and thoughts you went through and is undergoing.). The next half of the job is to transfer this post you have written to your verbal channel and into her listening ear.Originally posted by feelingsad:Now guess what... I think she went back to her old self again... She doesn't seem intrested in conversations (on MSN and SMS).
Maybe she's tired or something. Since yesterday after I went out with her after she studied with her friends, she was really tired but I felt that she was quite bored and didn't talk much. She wanted to go home early, so I sent her home early. She didn't want me to send her all the way in like last time, so I just saw her off at the traffic light and went off to catch a bus and meet my friends.
When I SMSed her like around 11+ today she didn't seem to receptive... just told me that she was online. And went I came online to talk to her... it was me trying to keep the conversation going. It went basically about me asking questions about her day and she answering. She went offline after a while.
If we were friends like last time, I wouldn't have bothered about her if she didn't seem like she was intrested in the conversations at all. I'm trying to treat her nicer but is it out of love or just responsibility?
Am I being too sensitive?
How do I really know that I love this girl? I don't really know why I went into this relationship too. I can say that if she wasn't intrested in me and kept dropping hints I wouldn't have went into this relationship and carried on with my happy carefree single life.
Sometimes she really nice and makes me feel so nice to be in this relationship, sometimes she just makes me wonder if this relationship is really worth going into. I feel that what you have done, you have done - the thing is to let her know all these. Its crucial because this problem will likely to linger and stay.
One note to leave with you: do not appear to blame or critisize over her behavior - instead, show concern over what could be the reasons for her actions and reaction. You never know if she is in some kind of trouble or depression - its good to talk things out in a calm and rational manner. Cultivate such good positive way to lead your relationship - eventually you will find meaning on why you have decide to accept this relationship.
Cheers -
I hope you're aware that when girls are near to that of their PMS stage, they tend to be more withdrawn, thus appearing to you that they're not interested in the r/s.
Effective communication is again required. Talk to her about what you're feeling. Tell her exactly when she's not being responsive, it means another thing to you. Get her to talk it out without being judgemental.. of coz all these will not be possible without you taking the first step.
Of coz don't be doing the talking all the time. It can sometimes be an irritating thing to be listening to someone yakking all time way. Get her to tell you instead of posing questions to her. Dont go on asking if she don't feel like talking about it. You'll get her to be defensive and probably starts to feel repulsive.
Give her the benfit of the doubt that she's into some kinda stress which leads her to be behaving in this manner. When you do know of how girls/guys react differently altogether, you won't find this a major issue afterall guys do go back to their cave to come out a stronger and better man while gals withdrawn into their well so that they can rise to the occasion of being loving and caring.
All in all, communicate with her. Tell her exactly how you're feeling. This might reveal something which you do not know of previously.
Take heart.. Cheerz. -
How long do PMSes last? She been like this for the past 3 days or so, maybe I should wait it out to see if she gets better or should I talk to her first?Originally posted by ^cereal^:I hope you're aware that when girls are near to that of their PMS stage, they tend to be more withdrawn, thus appearing to you that they're not interested in the r/s.
Effective communication is again required. Talk to her about what you're feeling. Tell her exactly when she's not being responsive, it means another thing to you. Get her to talk it out without being judgemental.. of coz all these will not be possible without you taking the first step.
Of coz don't be doing the talking all the time. It can sometimes be an irritating thing to be listening to someone yakking all time way. Get her to tell you instead of posing questions to her. Dont go on asking if she don't feel like talking about it. You'll get her to be defensive and probably starts to feel repulsive.
Give her the benfit of the doubt that she's into some kinda stress which leads her to be behaving in this manner. When you do know of how girls/guys react differently altogether, you won't find this a major issue afterall guys do go back to their cave to come out a stronger and better man while gals withdrawn into their well so that they can rise to the occasion of being loving and caring.
All in all, communicate with her. Tell her exactly how you're feeling. This might reveal something which you do not know of previously.
Take heart.. Cheerz. -
It depends very much on individuals actually... It can range from a wk or two before the start of her menstruation.. Please be more tolerant and bearing with her. Gals have it every month, it's a fact and you have to understand that it's a cycle.
Did you take note if she's like this last month coz without any back-tracking I can't really be sure if it's PMS. Did her mood change overnight or it's a gradual change? Or has she always been like this?
What you can do is try to be sensitive. Gals want guys to be concerned over them. You can try asking her if it's her PMS thus the withdrawal... this way you can monitor her mood swings, at the same time she'll feel that you're a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy), thus appreciating you more.
Good luck..Originally posted by feelingsad:How long do PMSes last? She been like this for the past 3 days or so, maybe I should wait it out to see if she gets better or should I talk to her first? -
Wow... doesn't it last like a quarter to half a month or something? I can't keep track because we've been together for about 3 weeks plus only.Originally posted by ^cereal^:It depends very much on individuals actually... It can range from a wk or two before the start of her menstruation.. Please be more tolerant and bearing with her. Gals have it every month, it's a fact and you have to understand that it's a cycle.
Did you take note if she's like this last month coz without any back-tracking I can't really be sure if it's PMS. Did her mood change overnight or it's a gradual change? Or has she always been like this?
What you can do is try to be sensitive. Gals want guys to be concerned over them. You can try asking her if it's her PMS thus the withdrawal... this way you can monitor her mood swings, at the same time she'll feel that you're a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy), thus appreciating you more.
Good luck..
I think it was an overnight change... but then again, I'm not too sure. How do I try to be more sensitive towards her? She doesn't even respond much to the conversations... -
Thanks everybody who helped. There is no need for that anymore. Just broke up.
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Hmm.. probably didnt have the chemistry thing going. Once the uncomfortable factor kicks in, things start to get rocky.
i wouldnt think mensus would really change a gal's attitude so dramatically.. hmm probably based on the individual i guess..
Bleh. -
no chance of workin things out? dun give up on ur r/s lah..Originally posted by feelingsad:Thanks everybody who helped. There is no need for that anymore. Just broke up.