yah yah it's me (Part II)
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Maybe I should tell you all a story.....
Part I
Many years ago...... I met a girl in my class. She is not the most prettiest girl in my school, but in my eyes, she is the prettiest to me....
we are from the same ECA too so we get to meet each other often. Unfortunately, she fell for one of my best friend. I could only watch in dismay that she is out of my clutch.
However, due to some unforseen circumstances, their relationship didn't last long. I was shamefully enough to admit that at that time I was "happy" that I still had the oppotunity.
We were still best friends at that. We talked, joked, went out and makan often. I guess I was a shy kid at that time, so I didn't dare to propose. And further more, I did not know how to understand how she was feeling about her breakup and her thoughts at that moment. It had been a long time before I gathered enough courage to propose to her. However, she was shock by it and ran away. At that time was the fall of our firendship.
Though our friendship is strain, sometimes we still keep in contact. However, it was a brief one and she was always trying to run away from me.
I could not take it anymore. Not in this kind of life where I could only love someone and not have have her love. I told her that I wanted to have a clean break and not to contact her anymore. She also wanted it that way (reluntantly I am not too sure about it). However, I guess I was too soft and still unwilling to let go of it. I just proposed that we would not see each other for a few months and see what happens next.
In the end, she e-mailed to me that "we no longer can be friends, not anymore". She ran away from my world for real.
12 years of my lifetime, all I got is nothing, but created a monster inside me. -
Part II:
I grew very angry.... so angry that I was almost on the verge I could not control the anger in me. It's as if I wanted to taste blood off my hands to quench my anger inside me. I would go to the beach and yell out all night long, take a stick and pretend it's a sword and swing it all nite long until I drop dead.
I used to spar in a Tae-Kwan-Do sparring Hall (Sorry, I can't reveal the name of it). I was given the nickname "WuMing" because I was simply a nobody over there. However after this incident, I became vegenceful. I would kill if means satisfying the desire of anger and betrayal. No-one dared to challenge me not because I was good,.because they all could sense that I only desire blood on my hands at the end of the match.
There was this incident where a newbie who didn't know me and challenged me. He was good, and he managed to stay on for a couple of rounds. Suddenly, he swung his fist at my rib cage. Though it didn't hurt that much, but I was furious that a newbie could hurt me, not in flesh, but my pride. I unleashed my fury on him. I broke his collar bone and dislocated his arm and pinned him to the ground. I wanted to beat him up into plup if not my friends at the sparring ground rushed to stop me. They too got bashed in the confusion of my outbust of rage. From there onwards, I was barred from the sparring hall for some time.
Still, my rage continued. I would take it on the walls (because I didn't have money to buy a sandbag) or went to arcade center and challenged people in fighting game. Everything went wrong till a good friend step in and stop me.
It took me quite sometime before I calmed myself down and realised that everything I have done so far was wrong. Seriously and stupidly wrong.
End of Part II -
Part III
I am far from the outraging beast that once was me. Still I prefer to live my life alone, and never wore a smile unless circumstances requires me ( example an outing etc ).
I went to a few class gathering. I was surprised and happy to see so many of my old classmates. Many of my friends ( females are either married or with boyfriend) and I was even more surprised that some of my classmate (males) are married. In summary, most of them, male and female are attached. I was one of the few who is still single at 25, never been hugged, kissed, touched and hold on to by a woman I loved. Hardly anyone knew my story and why I was in such pathetic state.
After looking at my friends, I envy my friends. They have something that I may or could never have.
At night, sometimes, I would dream in my sleep of times when I becames the blood-thirsty fighting machine. Sometimes I would dream that I was in the arms of my lover and then wake up in cold sweat cause it's feels more like a nightmare. People will find me funny because what's so frightening of dreaming of a lover in my arms. Well, maybe it's because I feel that it is impossible for me. I could not open up my heart to allow others to enter and tried very hard. I could never imaging that one day, I could actually have a girl who loves me.
Everytime I wanted to get into a new relationship, I always remember the girl I used to love and now to be hated. I just feel lost.
Very lost.......................................
End of Part ||| -
Part IV
I am far from the outraging beast that once was me. Still I prefer to live my life alone, and never wore a smile unless circumstances requires me ( example an outing etc ).
I went to a few class gathering. I was surprised and happy to see so many of my old classmates. Many of my friends ( females are either married or with boyfriend) and I was even more surprised that some of my classmate (males) are married. In summary, most of them, male and female are attached. I was one of the few who is still single at 25, never been hugged, kissed, touched and hold on to by a woman I loved. Hardly anyone knew my story and why I was in such pathetic state.
After looking at my friends, I envy my friends. They have something that I may or could never have.
At night, sometimes, I would dream in my sleep of times when I becames the blood-thirsty fighting machine. Sometimes I would dream that I was in the arms of my lover and then wake up in cold sweat cause it's feels more like a nightmare. People will find me funny because what's so frightening of dreaming of a lover in my arms. Well, maybe it's because I feel that it is impossible for me. I could not open up my heart to allow others to enter and tried very hard. I could never imaging that one day, I could actually have a girl who loves me.
Everytime I wanted to get into a new relationship, I always remember the girl I used to love and now to be hated. I just feel lost.
Very lost.......................................
lost..........................................................................................
End of Part IV -
1978 - If it was your age, you should be 25 this year.
You spoke about a girl whom have affected your life very much. (Gut feeling told me this happened very long ago - you mentioned ECA; btw its called CCA now, therefore my deduction would be that it all happened in your Secondary school, which could be around 9 -12 years ago.)
Deduction thrown aside - in part I you were rejected outrageously while trying your means to capture her heart. Rejection is nothing, but avoidance took place. Deep inside you were hurt, but the avoidance part worsen those wounds.
In part II - it simply talks how violent and aggressive person you became and part III (IV is the same as III) speaks how envy you became when you witness friends having fulfilling relationship while you still the same-old self.
Analysis
Your ego is seriously bruised - To such an extend that you demostrate your man-li-ness through fighting and being aggressive. Your mind needs to protect itself from harm because of your fatal love setback & it channels your restless energy into your limbs and fiery temper.
On surface, (you too mentioned you don't smile much as well), you will appear calm, cool, apathic, but deep inside - you suffer from inferiority complex.
You know why you have landed in such a state? You realise that it is because you created that mental and emotional prison and sealed yourself in. Nobody can enter & nobody would want to attempt. This is half the story.
Realised that your rejection took place years ago? And you are still pinning that kind of hatred for the girl? Let me ask you personally - why do you hate her?
Does it ever come across your mind that she has her own right to choose the kind of partner she desire and wish to have?
Its not about hating the decision she made - its about YOU unable to accept rejection.
The power of Venus is to rule over people through the mystical strength of love, while Mars commands the aggressive and lust in you. You want to earn respect of the one you love - you will FAIL through the use of Mars energy. Love is femaine energy and only if you learn to release yourself from your narrowness and openness to other (including friends, family and lovers) - then you can fully walk out of the pathetic cycle you are strolling, in circles.
Its ironic when you spoke about how you wish for a simple girl to appear when you yourself do not show any quality of a simple man in return. Your yearning for a companion is heavily due to peer influence and self reflection. You want to get out, but do not know for sure how to. Observe any successful relationship and you will discover that both party are not only very ease with themselves, but also as well as one another.
You ain't yourself and can't open to others. How can you expect a relationship to form externally when seeds of love can't be sown internally?
You have so much Mars (restless) energy in you - why not you use it to make a substantial change to improve your own life? Its easy to talk about or just to imagine your outcome - but it certainly require more than just brute strength to change and improve yourself.
Learn to use more of your mind and heart. Acknowledge your weakness and improve yourself - Self-pity will bring you nowhere OR trying to deny your flaws will eventually bring you down.
P.S: Are you an Aries, Leo or Scorpio?
Cheers -
I am a Libra
actually thanks for analysising my story for me......
dunno whether will it help -
Libra! Ruling planet is Venus! Tap and employ more from the soft side of you.Originally posted by {WuMing}78:I am a Libra
actually thanks for analysising my story for me......
dunno whether will it help Dunno whether will help? My analysis can't do a thing - its YOU who runs the ship.
I know you are looking for a female company to pour your trouble to, probably they have more effect on you. And realise this thing: You problem has lasted more than decade - its no longer your environment I am afraid - its basically you that the problem exist.
Cheers -
anybody has anything to add on ?
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time to wake up.
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all the best..
hope u have totally break free..
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I just woke up dude.Originally posted by nismoS132:time to wake up.
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???????????????????????????????????????????Originally posted by BÃ¥seline:I just woke up dude. -
out of point canOriginally posted by BÃ¥seline:I just woke up dude. 
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Sians..... Besides verbal help, not much physical help..... total Hangover
and WHERE the HEck are you are Susan......? -
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Originally posted by {WuMing}78:???????????????????????????????????????????
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Originally posted by mapp|ezz:out of point can
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Originally posted by Angel^_^:
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sorry, maybe I didn't specify well, but MeowMeowSusan, WHERE the HECK are you When I need your ADVICE and HELP!
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u tink pple so free online 24hrs wait for u to tell her ur problems ah..duno how to use PM meh?
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kekekeke..
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sorry..... just woke up... DAMN cranky......
anyway, another nightmare..................
and She has answered any of my PM anyway -
Man Man Lai bro....Originally posted by {WuMing}78:sorry..... just woke up... DAMN cranky......
anyway, another nightmare..................
and She has answered any of my PM anyway
She's working fulltime also leh... maybe you can ask the rest of the ppl in AA? -
like who ?Originally posted by BÃ¥seline:Man Man Lai bro....
She's working fulltime also leh... maybe you can ask the rest of the ppl in AA? -
Like Baseline has mentioned, Susan is usually BUSY with her job... Not only busy... But in actual fact, VERY BUSY....Originally posted by {WuMing}78:sorry, maybe I didn't specify well, but MeowMeowSusan, WHERE the HECK are you When I need your ADVICE and HELP!
To add,
1. Meow is not a goddess. You seek her help, no guarantee that your problem would be solved.
2. Be a little more humble in your approach, she don't owe you a service.
3. You're the one who created your own problem. Ultimately, you're probably the 'key holder'.