Relationships
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Hello everyone. This is my first time writing in the forum. I am a new user.
Anyways, i was reading the other threads by other users and realised that we all have similiar problems.
My boyfriend thinks that he is in a marriage. He told me he doesnt feel like a boyfriend. He says that i control him too much. Like other people, i think it will be nice for him to tell him where he is going. Its so weird because we have this relationship for 2 years and he is only telling me now. I dont know. I think its the way i show how much i care for him but i guess it has adverse effects.
I have a very lonely life. A best friend who is getting married and is always with her fiance and we dont talk much. She is like the only friend i have. I am so lonely. I think that because of lonliness, i depend on my boyfriend alot. Always want to go out with him. I put him on top priority but realised that it is not the same for him. He says that he feels cramped. Everytime we talk, it seems that he just want to blame me for everything. He says i blame him all the time too. Its so weird about the way he behaves around me like he cant stand me. I dont understand why. I just want him to accept me the way i am. He says he loves me for me. I guess thats not really true huh. He likes to drink alot so i tell him to cut down but he doesnt listen. I took care of him when he was sick but he called me a bitch. Maybe its true. Everything is my fault and i shouldnt "mother" him too much. I thought its my way of showing that i care for him. Now it just pushes him away. His ex cheated on him and i never did but somehow i think that he thinks that she treats him better. Maybe i should get a social life so i dont have to be so needy to him right? Leave him alone, dont call him or something...i feel like a sinner.....
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Hi Seabreeze,Originally posted by Seabreeze:Hello everyone. This is my first time writing in the forum. I am a new user.
Anyways, i was reading the other threads by other users and realised that we all have similiar problems.
My boyfriend thinks that he is in a marriage. He told me he doesnt feel like a boyfriend. He says that i control him too much. Like other people, i think it will be nice for him to tell him where he is going. Its so weird because we have this relationship for 2 years and he is only telling me now. I dont know. I think its the way i show how much i care for him but i guess it has adverse effects.
I have a very lonely life. A best friend who is getting married and is always with her fiance and we dont talk much. She is like the only friend i have. I am so lonely. I think that because of lonliness, i depend on my boyfriend alot. Always want to go out with him. I put him on top priority but realised that it is not the same for him. He says that he feels cramped. Everytime we talk, it seems that he just want to blame me for everything. He says i blame him all the time too. Its so weird about the way he behaves around me like he cant stand me. I dont understand why. I just want him to accept me the way i am. He says he loves me for me. I guess thats not really true huh. He likes to drink alot so i tell him to cut down but he doesnt listen. I took care of him when he was sick but he called me a bitch. Maybe its true. Everything is my fault and i shouldnt "mother" him too much. I thought its my way of showing that i care for him. Now it just pushes him away. His ex cheated on him and i never did but somehow i think that he thinks that she treats him better. Maybe i should get a social life so i dont have to be so needy to him right? Leave him alone, dont call him or something...i feel like a sinner.....
Welcome to the forums!
I know what you are going through exactly. I have been through the same thing. In the end, i just gave up... no point having this kind of relationship. Been through 6 years of this, i guess i am a slow and blur learner or lover too.
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what do you want out of this relationship?
what does he want?
looks like both of you aren't ready for anything long term, to be blunt...
he has a drinking problem?
and do you demand to know where he is all the time?
i would have to say that communications is lacking...
and the fact that both of you aren't growing spiritually, mentally together and separately.. personally, i think it's essential...
i do hope you'll find your happiness
God bless -
Thanks for your replies!
I dont want to give up. I want to honestly believe that we can work things out. I guess he just wants a girlfriend. I think i want more than that. I dont demand that he reports to me. We talked about this a long time ago and agreed that if we go out, we should sms each other to let each other know the whereabouts. but suddenly he told me that he thinks i am controlling by that. Its like we agreed on it so how can he say that now? I feel used sometimes. Maybe its me and my over active imagination. -
i guess he feels he's not ready...
or he's just coasting... not willing or wants to move on from the status quo now...
who knows? only you and he can find out... communicate?Originally posted by Seabreeze:Thanks for your replies!
I dont want to give up. I want to honestly believe that we can work things out. I guess he just wants a girlfriend. I think i want more than that. I dont demand that he reports to me. We talked about this a long time ago and agreed that if we go out, we should sms each other to let each other know the whereabouts. but suddenly he told me that he thinks i am controlling by that. Its like we agreed on it so how can he say that now? I feel used sometimes. Maybe its me and my over active imagination. -
dear, it is never your fault!Originally posted by Seabreeze:Hello everyone. This is my first time writing in the forum. I am a new user.
Anyways, i was reading the other threads by other users and realised that we all have similiar problems.
My boyfriend thinks that he is in a marriage. He told me he doesnt feel like a boyfriend. He says that i control him too much. Like other people, i think it will be nice for him to tell him where he is going. Its so weird because we have this relationship for 2 years and he is only telling me now. I dont know. I think its the way i show how much i care for him but i guess it has adverse effects.
I have a very lonely life. A best friend who is getting married and is always with her fiance and we dont talk much. She is like the only friend i have. I am so lonely. I think that because of lonliness, i depend on my boyfriend alot. Always want to go out with him. I put him on top priority but realised that it is not the same for him. He says that he feels cramped. Everytime we talk, it seems that he just want to blame me for everything. He says i blame him all the time too. Its so weird about the way he behaves around me like he cant stand me. I dont understand why. I just want him to accept me the way i am. He says he loves me for me. I guess thats not really true huh. He likes to drink alot so i tell him to cut down but he doesnt listen. I took care of him when he was sick but he called me a bitch. Maybe its true. Everything is my fault and i shouldnt "mother" him too much. I thought its my way of showing that i care for him. Now it just pushes him away. His ex cheated on him and i never did but somehow i think that he thinks that she treats him better. Maybe i should get a social life so i dont have to be so needy to him right? Leave him alone, dont call him or something...i feel like a sinner.....
you took care of him when he is sick and he still call you names, how can someone be like that? you care for him and yet he doesnt appreciate it..you have already done your best but since he doesnt even appreciate your efforts, forget it!..i guess this kind of guy is just not content with everything..did he keep comparing you with his ex? and NO you are not a sinner, please do not ever ever think that way alright? i can see from your post that you really care for him and i dont understand WHY in the world he doesnt appreciate you..take care dear, if you need to talk to a girl, pm me or something ok? and the next time he blames you for something you never do, ask him to shut up..
no offense to you, but i hate this kind of guys.
hugs -
double post.
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Well, sometimes some people are just like that even after you both have agreed. If he feels uncomfortable, then the choice of what to do next is up to you! Either you let him have his way or you both can talk things out again. I hope that your relationship will work out! Good luck and all the best! Cheers!Originally posted by Seabreeze:Thanks for your replies!
I dont want to give up. I want to honestly believe that we can work things out. I guess he just wants a girlfriend. I think i want more than that. I dont demand that he reports to me. We talked about this a long time ago and agreed that if we go out, we should sms each other to let each other know the whereabouts. but suddenly he told me that he thinks i am controlling by that. Its like we agreed on it so how can he say that now? I feel used sometimes. Maybe its me and my over active imagination.
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He says i give him attitude. I thought he is giving me cold shoulder. He keeps telling me that he loves me and all that. the point is that i know that but i cant stand someone telling me he loves me and at the same time "verbally abused" me all the time. I just feel so useless because i really put in alot of effort. Then he tells me that sometimes he THINKS that he will be better off without me.
That just hurts alot. I thought if you love someone, you would not hurt that person. But then away, thats honesty. -
again, just me.. but i'd rather die than hurt someone i love
not too sure what's going on between the both of you, but there was something in today's Mass in church.. something about "lip service"...
what some people say and what they do, isn't what's in their heart...
i hope you find out what goes on in his heart.. for your sake..
look after yourself, yah?Originally posted by Seabreeze:He says i give him attitude. I thought he is giving me cold shoulder. He keeps telling me that he loves me and all that. the point is that i know that but i cant stand someone telling me he loves me and at the same time "verbally abused" me all the time. I just feel so useless because i really put in alot of effort. Then he tells me that sometimes he THINKS that he will be better off without me.
That just hurts alot. I thought if you love someone, you would not hurt that person. But then away, thats honesty. -
To be in love with someone means to go through thick and thin; good and bad times too. From time to time, you both will definitely hurt each other but you both can work things out by talking calmly. In a relationship, its not always all fun and laughter! At what you have wrote, to my own point of view is that he is taking you forgranted. He won't realized how good you are until he has lost you and he will come running back. Some people are like that they don't cherish others and things when they still have it but once its lost or gone then they regret.Originally posted by Seabreeze:He says i give him attitude. I thought he is giving me cold shoulder. He keeps telling me that he loves me and all that. the point is that i know that but i cant stand someone telling me he loves me and at the same time "verbally abused" me all the time. I just feel so useless because i really put in alot of effort. Then he tells me that sometimes he THINKS that he will be better off without me.
That just hurts alot. I thought if you love someone, you would not hurt that person. But then away, thats honesty.
What to do this is life? -
Actually i dont think he will come running back. He always seem to want to break up with me so often like it is so easy for him. I know about lip service. Most of the times he say something but dont do them. It gets frustrating but then he will say that i am expecting too much.
I hope i will get a social life and really entangle my self. I have changed. I used to be very active and bubbly. Now i am so depressed all the damn time. What is so wrong about loving someone and hope that the person loves you back wholeheartedly?
I just want the relationship to work. he is not that bad. There are times he is nice to me too... -
Well, i think that you will be better off without a guy like that. There are always a chance that you could meet someone better than him. Well this is to my own point of view. If he is all talk and no action... what is the point. He is exactly did what my ex would be doing. I always believe this... if you can say it then back it up!Originally posted by Seabreeze:Actually i dont think he will come running back. He always seem to want to break up with me so often like it is so easy for him. I know about lip service. Most of the times he say something but dont do them. It gets frustrating but then he will say that i am expecting too much.
I hope i will get a social life and really entangle my self. I have changed. I used to be very active and bubbly. Now i am so depressed all the damn time. What is so wrong about loving someone and hope that the person loves you back wholeheartedly?
I just want the relationship to work. he is not that bad. There are times he is nice to me too... -
social life? maybe start again with new friends?
there will be outings by various people around in here... just one last night bet they'll be pleased if you decide to come along
make new friends, widen your social circle
just look around yah?Originally posted by Seabreeze:Actually i dont think he will come running back. He always seem to want to break up with me so often like it is so easy for him. I know about lip service. Most of the times he say something but dont do them. It gets frustrating but then he will say that i am expecting too much.
I hope i will get a social life and really entangle my self. I have changed. I used to be very active and bubbly. Now i am so depressed all the damn time. What is so wrong about loving someone and hope that the person loves you back wholeheartedly?
I just want the relationship to work. he is not that bad. There are times he is nice to me too... -
the solution?
stop pestering him !!
i am a guy i know wat a guy thinks. ( at least thats wat i think)
if i have a gf that always call me every few hours , i would think that she got no life and no other fren then keep sticking to me.
learn to do other things then keep keeping tab on your bf , he will feel that you don trust him.
my current gf is really understanding , she know we both need our own space and she only call at most once a day to ask how i have been etc when we didn meet , it's really a nice feeling knowing someone is caring for you , but its not nice when u over do it .
so do yourself and your bf a favor by getting a life and doing other thing ( like shopping wif fren , reading , swimming etc ) -
different people have different opinions.Originally posted by Starmaster85:the solution?
stop pestering him !!
i am a guy i know wat a guy thinks. ( at least thats wat i think)
if i have a gf that always call me every few hours , i would think that she got no life and no other fren then keep sticking to me.
learn to do other things then keep keeping tab on your bf , he will feel that you don trust him.
my current gf is really understanding , she know we both need our own space and she only call at most once a day to ask how i have been etc when we didn meet , it's really a nice feeling knowing someone is caring for you , but its not nice when u over do it .
so do yourself and your bf a favor by getting a life and doing other thing ( like shopping wif fren , reading , swimming etc )
this is a very subjective issue though.
just remember what i said in the first sentence. -
Well said!!!Originally posted by =-Noelle-=:different people have different opinions.
this is a very subjective issue though.
just remember what i said in the first sentence. -
Originally posted by Seabreeze:Hello everyone. This is my first time writing in the forum. I am a new user.
Anyways, i was reading the other threads by other users and realised that we all have similiar problems.
My boyfriend thinks that he is in a marriage. He told me he doesnt feel like a boyfriend. He says that i control him too much. Like other people, i think it will be nice for him to tell him where he is going. Its so weird because we have this relationship for 2 years and he is only telling me now. I dont know. I think its the way i show how much i care for him but i guess it has adverse effects.
I have a very lonely life. A best friend who is getting married and is always with her fiance and we dont talk much. She is like the only friend i have. I am so lonely. I think that because of lonliness, i depend on my boyfriend alot. Always want to go out with him. I put him on top priority but realised that it is not the same for him. He says that he feels cramped. Everytime we talk, it seems that he just want to blame me for everything. He says i blame him all the time too. Its so weird about the way he behaves around me like he cant stand me. I dont understand why. I just want him to accept me the way i am. He says he loves me for me. I guess thats not really true huh. He likes to drink alot so i tell him to cut down but he doesnt listen. I took care of him when he was sick but he called me a bitch. Maybe its true. Everything is my fault and i shouldnt "mother" him too much. I thought its my way of showing that i care for him. Now it just pushes him away. His ex cheated on him and i never did but somehow i think that he thinks that she treats him better. Maybe i should get a social life so i dont have to be so needy to him right? Leave him alone, dont call him or something...i feel like a sinner..... 
If relationship is a scale - our essential tasks on hand would be to keep the weights on either side equal.
Love cannot always be determined by mind logics - this conflict that you both are having is due to the differences in preception and definition of your relationship. One is more like a mother than a mate - while the other longs for a simple girlfriend that respect personal space and freedom.
You mentioned about your lonely life and small social circle - this is true. Let me tell you, one VERY IMPORTANT element to maintain a lower risk long-term relationship is to have life outside that of your boyfriend. The dependancy onto him is about 50% of the difficulty - rather in terms of conversation, it will gradually become dull. Relationship is gradually crystallized into routine form. And when problems with bf occur, you have problems finding people to pour your sorrows too.
All these points are invisible daggers that lay ambush within your relationship.
Under the seventh law of Love - Love always wants more of itself and Love always brings up everything, but itself. As time goes by, issues that doesn't exist in the past surfaced - what special motivation do you need to conceal all these flaws that he once hide during courtship or honeymoon period? Only love and the desire to improve can change them willingly - if not all is futile. He showed his dissatisfaction of your attitude towards the relationship and chose to shower blames then to reflect upon himself. (I am not saying that anyone of you is at fault, however, since you both are already together, is it a must to point fingers? This relationship lacks the combination effort to go through problem and solve them in unison.)
Ladies, Yunhaier has one good advice on how retain your man - let him know how valuable you are to people outside and if he is foolish enough to dump you, everyone else would fight violently for your dates. In Art of Seduction: Everyone wants things that are highly desirable. Your man feels that you can't live without him - because simply, like what you said: 'you are needy to him.' And - He knows it.
Expand social circle gradually (not aggressively) and take up interest course/classes to widen your knowledge. You must have life outside him - you must instill confidence in yourself and grow less dependant on him. If things is really getting on well - he will instead cling onto you, not the other way around, and would be more willing to let you 'mother' him.
P.S: Don't shut contact with him totally and don't feel that 'mothering' him is the wrong approach of love. The problem doesn't lies with you - its with him, therefore, there is nothing wrong is showering concern. Do your duty as a girlfriend, yet balance your life onto work and friends-outside-bf. You know you have succeed when the scales is balanced equally.
Are you a Cancer?
Cheers -
best peice of advice !!!!Originally posted by Yunhaier:Ladies, Yunhaier has one good advice on how retain your man - let him know how valuable you are to people outside and if he is foolish enough to dump you, everyone else would fight violently for your dates. In Art of Seduction: Everyone wants things that are highly desirable. Your man feels that you can't live without him - because simply, like what you said: 'you are needy to him.' And - He knows it.
Cheers
this advice is not only to girls , it apply to man as well .
don appear needy to your gf , go ahead make friends with girl also , flirt with them ( to a certain extend la )
she see you got other frens and got life , and also got other girl frens that appear* ready to replace her . she will appreciate you more
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Im not a cancer. Im a Leo. Probably that is bad since i always want to be in control of things. Sometimes i dont get it. Its like when he is fine, he wants me there. When he is not, he wants me gone. When i go out with my friends, he will ask me where i am going and who i am going with and sms like every 5 mins. I dont mind that because we agreed on that. But when it comes to his turn ie when he is going out with his friends, he doesnt really sms me or wont say much unless i ask him. And now he feels that he is "reporting" to me. Isnt that very contradicting?
Then earlier on, i told him that im sorry that he felt like a husband and now, he said "its not that bad". Then what am i suppose to think? I am confused.
well i will stop pestering...or at least i will try. -
Well, from the look of things is that he wants to be in control of this relationship more than you do. Its like he must know who you go out with and where but doesn't does the same when comes to his turn. Don't you think its a little unfair?Originally posted by Seabreeze:Im not a cancer. Im a Leo. Probably that is bad since i always want to be in control of things. Sometimes i dont get it. Its like when he is fine, he wants me there. When he is not, he wants me gone. When i go out with my friends, he will ask me where i am going and who i am going with and sms like every 5 mins. I dont mind that because we agreed on that. But when it comes to his turn ie when he is going out with his friends, he doesnt really sms me or wont say much unless i ask him. And now he feels that he is "reporting" to me. Isnt that very contradicting?
Then earlier on, i told him that im sorry that he felt like a husband and now, he said "its not that bad". Then what am i suppose to think? I am confused.
well i will stop pestering...or at least i will try. -
I do think that its unfair. If you want me to do it, then dont grumble when i do it back. But again, love is very disillusioned. I try to tell him that its unfair but as above, alot of times, its just lip serivces. He will say that yeah i will do this do that, normally, thats a lie.Originally posted by Marmalade Boy:Well, from the look of things is that he wants to be in control of this relationship more than you do. Its like he must know who you go out with and where but doesn't does the same when comes to his turn. Don't you think its a little unfair? -
You see - this is the way of a self-absorbed, self-centered behavior your man is exhibiting. When you go out, he would sms every 5 minutes, etc - this is BECAUSE under this self-absorbed character lies a gnawing inferiority.Originally posted by Seabreeze:Im not a cancer. Im a Leo. Probably that is bad since i always want to be in control of things. Sometimes i dont get it. Its like when he is fine, he wants me there. When he is not, he wants me gone. When i go out with my friends, he will ask me where i am going and who i am going with and sms like every 5 mins. I dont mind that because we agreed on that. But when it comes to his turn ie when he is going out with his friends, he doesnt really sms me or wont say much unless i ask him. And now he feels that he is "reporting" to me. Isnt that very contradicting?
Then earlier on, i told him that im sorry that he felt like a husband and now, he said "its not that bad". Then what am i suppose to think? I am confused.
well i will stop pestering...or at least i will try.
Oh you want space, yet you don't give space theory. (E.g. I can club, you cannot club. I can go out with girls, you cannot go out with guys.) Sound familiar people? Yes, indeed it is. I am sure a couple of friends whom you know falls under this category.
I told you in my prior post - he knows you are needy of him and this is a way of his 'security'. Subconsciously, it has became he-can-dump-you-and-you-are-powerless-against-him kind of thought. Love is about looking at the same direction - not dominating it.
Advice?
Exactly in my prior post. There is something I would like to add on - do what he does. If he go out with friend, don't bother to msg, etc - same for you. Whatever reasons he used to defend himself (aiya, forget mah, I am playing lar, etc), do the same. Shaken this fortress of his and let him know that the there is no king in relationship - only two commoners moving forward.
P.S: A leo lady - I feel that there is a lack of self-confidence outside him. Build it up - its your most important resource in life. Afterall, if previously what you have done is futile, you could try what I had mentioned.
Cheers -
I already told him that okay he doesnt want to be treated as a husband thats fine. That he only wants the good stuff that comes with "mothering" but not the bad stuff. I took him that i am going to widen my social circle and he immediately said that " oh no its not that, you dont have to do that." HA HA HA I almost peep in my pants! Even he says that i dont have friends and thats why im always hanging on to him. THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANYMORE.
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Tragedy... To what it would fall?