Decided to come clean
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well helo
hopefully this will be my last thread here asking for help.
thanks to those who did sort out my mind when i asked for help when i was hopelessly infatuated by a girl in my school eons ago..
i have finally sorted out my feelings a long time ago and obviously spent time deliberating whether i should share my viewpoints on love as well as my current state of mind here... but i decided to share it... since i really want to know viewpoints as well as perhaps teach u a thing or two about love
well i liked that NTU ger. well its simply becos there was a slight resemblance between her and lets say, the most valuable girl and friend in my life, analogically a Rembrandt. thankfully things didn't really advance from there
perhaps or most likely because the liking wasn't really mutual. well i can only thank God for that cos i'll be letting myself down...
i was only 15 years old when i entered Junior College. well was virtually the youngest student there... i was a frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional guy (FINE anyone?) with alot of antisocial tendencies. in sec sch earlier on... i was by far the MOST unpopular guy as i was ruthless, demanding and totally rude to everyone. i was totally cold and distant to virtually everybody. i withheld every single bit of humanity in myself and refused to change... i was arrogant and teachers called mi insufferable. classmates called me cold and a good backstabber. i lost every single friend who was kind enough to be willing to help me. and imagine... i threw a tantrum simply cos my childhood friend in sec sch wanted to go home together with me. i loved being alone... with my books, my computer, my television. i lost faith in God as well... perhaps cos i believed he did make my life hard enough. i was kicked out of Sunday School... or more appropriately, i did the kicking.
well then i met this totally wonderful girl. the day i met her... and heard more about her... i went home n cried. it was a start of a totally implausible friendship. She is extremely popular. charismatic. lovable. i mean i could dedicate one entire gigabyte writing accolades and plaudits about her... but on this unlikely introduction...initiated by her classmates... the most unpopular guy meeting the most popular girl essentially... it was a dream come true. personally i think it was aa good thing her classmates werent aware of my character since then...
initially i admit i did have a crush on her... i mean she's really cute and got a bubbly personality. i heard nothing but good about her. i knew nothing but good about her. a few weeks passed... well nothing more than a few chats and simple hellos but it was osmosis... i began to adopt her character traits... and i could even feel the difference.. i mean the difference a helping hand, a smile, a hug can make to a person's life... the difference a friend could make to one's life. the difference charity makes to life. She's the type of ger with a really good attitude to life... always lending a helping hand to people... and always having a smile for everyone. a question for folks outta there: how many people you know would spend their 21st birthday with God and doing good deeds as well as singing at a church wedding? simply cos she's a member of the church choir?
she made me want to be a better man. i improved all aspects of my personality. i began to give without expecting anything in return. i became more human... i gave and gave... i didnt expect much rewards but i felt so much better spiritually and got rewards as well!... became a person with more feelings... a person who friends could trust and have fun with at the same time. she instilled in me the spirit of caring and giving... i suggest u try it. i became more warm and open to newly acquired frends and now my very very best friends are from my JC and Uni (especially Mel, Saw, HW, Alok etc etc
) days simply because i changed.
i know i owe her alot... but i wasn't really willing to advance the relationship after she rebuffed my advances... like i gave her a watch on V day, soft toys... stuff liddat... thinking back i lacked alot of sincerity. i was more sneaky the way i handled it... i had someone pass her presents to her instead... i think i humilated her... and i would like to say sorry...
i was only a 15 yr old kid then.
but i promised not to force her into a relationship after she wrote a letter to me about being uncomfortable with my advances, stuff liddat. well after reading all those stories here... i think its a very rare thing to have directness and honesty from a gal... and i appreciated it further. yet i was respectful and mindful of my promise to her.
now im 20 years old... its been 5 years. i still think of her everytime when i feel sad and i cheer up instantly. i still think of the times we had together albeit there wasnt many of them. i still dream of the day we could be finally together... im still waiting for her simply because I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER GIRL EVER...
she will be in my heart always because she melted the hard, rough and cold exterior of it. if God didnt make me meet her... i'll be leading a very lonely and cold life without any purpose or soul. i would be totally devoid of compassion as well as friends.
i have been thinking about it for the past 5 years... and i decide to tell her everything... its time she knew the truth. time to know how much i do appreciate her. EXCEPT the part that i love her simply because she told me a while back that she was attached... but perhaps change that to GOOD FRIENDS. i just want to reciprocate the contribution she made to my life.
i believe she is the one i geniunely love and i won't look back.
so attached people, please treasure your loved ones. people who arent attached... love the one that changed and touched your life in one special way that she/he completes you. good luck to all. im not saying do get into a relationship with them... but LOVE them.
well, this is the true story of my sad life... but honestly after i seen the quality of 90% of the replies here, then i did finally got the courage to post my story online... hopefully to inspire a few, hopefully to stop a break up... hopefully to touch someone's heart in a special way. i feel so much better telling all these. but above all, always love the one who loves you with all his cookie heart. Men are also soft creatures, we have feelings. trust me on this.
BTW: is Snoopy Restaurant at plaza singapura a quiet and not too extravagant place to eat at? -
Know what? I had the similiar experience as you.
You can read it in the lyrics in my Final Memoir (Last page)thread....err if you're interested that is. haha...
It spoke about everything i had, that time.
I'm glad that you evolved, and yes...she was placed in your life at that very moment of time to show you the meaning of life.
About the love, i believe there'll be someone who will show you a even greater meaning of adulthood.
Treasure those who walked your path, whether they stay or not. Treasure them. Thank you for your post.
Cheers! -
thanks man... i read it but dun really know about the story behind itOriginally posted by M©+square:Know what? I had the similiar experience as you.
You can read it in the lyrics in my Final Memoir (Last page)thread....err if you're interested that is. haha...
It spoke about everything i had, that time.
I'm glad that you evolved, and yes...she was placed in your life at that very moment of time to show you the meaning of life.
About the love, i believe there'll be someone who will show you a even greater meaning of adulthood.
Treasure those who walked your path, whether they stay or not. Treasure them. Thank you for your post.
Cheers!
but its good that u can reminsce the times u had with her.
as for me... i never got her to be my girlfriend and never got her to know the reason why i love her so much.
she'll always reside in my heart forever.
rest assured, i'll treasure the memories forever -
wah lao... ur making me cry man... cant anybody end up with the one they love?Originally posted by ntu slacker:well helo
hopefully this will be my last thread here asking for help.
thanks to those who did sort out my mind when i asked for help when i was hopelessly infatuated by a girl in my school eons ago..
i have finally sorted out my feelings a long time ago and obviously spent time deliberating whether i should share my viewpoints on love as well as my current state of mind here... but i decided to share it... since i really want to know viewpoints as well as perhaps teach u a thing or two about love
well i liked that NTU ger. well its simply becos there was a slight resemblance between her and lets say, the most valuable girl and friend in my life, analogically a Rembrandt. thankfully things didn't really advance from there perhaps or most likely because the liking wasn't really mutual. well i can only thank God for that cos i'll be letting myself down...
i was only 15 years old when i entered Junior College. well was virtually the youngest student there... i was a frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional guy (FINE anyone?) with alot of antisocial tendencies. in sec sch earlier on... i was by far the MOST unpopular guy as i was ruthless, demanding and totally rude to everyone. i was totally cold and distant to virtually everybody. i withheld every single bit of humanity in myself and refused to change... i was arrogant and teachers called mi insufferable. classmates called me cold and a good backstabber. i lost every single friend who was kind enough to be willing to help me. and imagine... i threw a tantrum simply cos my childhood friend in sec sch wanted to go home together with me. i loved being alone... with my books, my computer, my television. i lost faith in God as well... perhaps cos i believed he did make my life hard enough. i was kicked out of Sunday School... or more appropriately, i did the kicking.
well then i met this totally wonderful girl. the day i met her... and heard more about her... i went home n cried. it was a start of a totally implausible friendship. She is extremely popular. charismatic. lovable. i mean i could dedicate one entire gigabyte writing accolades and plaudits about her... but on this unlikely introduction...initiated by her classmates... the most unpopular guy meeting the most popular girl essentially... it was a dream come true. personally i think it was aa good thing her classmates werent aware of my character since then...
initially i admit i did have a crush on her... i mean she's really cute and got a bubbly personality. i heard nothing but good about her. i knew nothing but good about her. a few weeks passed... well nothing more than a few chats and simple hellos but it was osmosis... i began to adopt her character traits... and i could even feel the difference.. i mean the difference a helping hand, a smile, a hug can make to a person's life... the difference a friend could make to one's life. the difference charity makes to life. She's the type of ger with a really good attitude to life... always lending a helping hand to people... and always having a smile for everyone. a question for folks outta there: how many people you know would spend their 21st birthday with God and doing good deeds as well as singing at a church wedding? simply cos she's a member of the church choir?
she made me want to be a better man. i improved all aspects of my personality. i began to give without expecting anything in return. i became more human... i gave and gave... i didnt expect much rewards but i felt so much better spiritually and got rewards as well!... became a person with more feelings... a person who friends could trust and have fun with at the same time. she instilled in me the spirit of caring and giving... i suggest u try it. i became more warm and open to newly acquired frends and now my very very best friends are from my JC and Uni (especially Mel, Saw, HW etc etc ) days simply because i changed.
i know i owe her alot... but i wasn't really willing to advance the relationship after she rebuffed my advances... like i gave her a watch on V day, soft toys... stuff liddat... thinking back i lacked alot of sincerity. i was more sneaky the way i handled it... i had someone pass her presents to her instead... i think i humilated her... and i would like to say sorry...
i was only a 15 yr old kid then. but i promised not to force her into a relationship after she wrote a letter to me about being uncomfortable with my advances, stuff liddat. well after reading all those stories here... i think its a very rare thing to have directness and honesty from a gal... and i appreciated it further. yet i was respectful and mindful of my promise to her.
now im 20 years old... its been 5 years. i still think of her everytime when i feel sad and i cheer up instantly. i still think of the times we had together albeit there wasnt many of them. i still dream of the day we could be finally together... im still waiting for her simply because I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER GIRL EVER...
she will be in my heart always because she melted the hard, rough and cold exterior of it. if God didnt make me meet her... i'll be leading a very lonely and cold life without any purpose or soul. i would be totally devoid of compassion as well as friends.
i have been thinking about it for the past 5 years... and i decide to tell her everything... its time she knew the truth. time to know how much i do appreciate her. EXCEPT the part that i love her simply because she told me a while back that she was attached... but perhaps change that to GOOD FRIENDS. i just want to reciprocate the contribution she made to my life.
i believe she is the one i geniunely love and i won't look back.
so attached people, please treasure your loved ones. people who arent attached... love the one that changed and touched your life in one special way that she/he completes you. good luck to all. im not saying do get into a relationship with them... but LOVE them.
well, this is the true story of my sad life... but honestly after i seen the quality of 90% of the replies here, then i did finally got the courage to post my story online... hopefully to inspire a few, hopefully to stop a break up... hopefully to touch someone's heart in a special way. i feel so much better telling all these. but above all, always love the one who loves you with all his cookie heart. Men are also soft creatures, we have feelings. trust me on this.
BTW: is Snoopy Restaurant at plaza singapura a quiet and not too extravagant place to eat at? -
Some things are better left the way it is.Originally posted by m@Rki:wah lao... ur making me cry man... cant anybody end up with the one they love? -
ur first few para similar to mine.............
-
I forgot to answer this. HA!Originally posted by ntu slacker:BTW: is Snoopy Restaurant at plaza singapura a quiet and not too extravagant place to eat at? Sorrie
I don't think i see Snoopy Place anywhere in PS. I may be wrong...
It was damn Ex ah.....that was few years ago.
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If I were you, I would have realise that her appearance and mission into my life wouldn't be that of BGR; chances are, she is probably the catalysis to instill new direction into my life.
This is exactly what all the 'other' relationship (refering to non-marriage ones) is all about - instiling new directions, new characteristic, new preception, new attitudes, new personality into our lives. Everyone's past relationship has a learning issue that comes together with it, even crushes at times.
Mistake of the past cannot be undone - yet memories remained and thinking through it, is sweet beyond words.
P.S: What happened in the past must be used to improve upon the future. If not, you will go through the hell you went through previously once more. So what for?
Cheers -
good post my man! i applaude you! well done and thanks for whatever help it may bring in future for anyone in need of help. good luck & best wishes to you with your life.
P.S. i kinda had a similar experience to ya... I understand. -
eh, i also studying in NTU leh....hahaha, me first yr COE...
-
Originally posted by Yunhaier:If I were you, I would have realise that her appearance and mission into my life wouldn't be that of BGR; chances are, she is probably the catalysis to instill new direction into my life.
This is exactly what all the 'other' relationship (refering to non-marriage ones) is all about - instiling new directions, new characteristic, new preception, new attitudes, new personality into our lives. Everyone's past relationship has a learning issue that comes together with it, even crushes at times. Mistake of the past cannot be undone - yet memories remained and thinking through it, is sweet beyond words.
P.S: What happened in the past must be used to improve upon the future. If not, you will go through the hell you went through previously once more. So what for?
Cheers so emotional 
long time no suan u liao
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WAah how come 15yrs old in jc? R u a foreigner? Indo or china student? Gifted program????damn pro
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hello Yun! u been very helpful to me previously abt that NTU crush. to be frank i dun handle girls well.Originally posted by Yunhaier:If I were you, I would have realise that her appearance and mission into my life wouldn't be that of BGR; chances are, she is probably the catalysis to instill new direction into my life.
This is exactly what all the 'other' relationship (refering to non-marriage ones) is all about - instiling new directions, new characteristic, new preception, new attitudes, new personality into our lives. Everyone's past relationship has a learning issue that comes together with it, even crushes at times. Mistake of the past cannot be undone - yet memories remained and thinking through it, is sweet beyond words.
P.S: What happened in the past must be used to improve upon the future. If not, you will go through the hell you went through previously once more. So what for?
Cheers
i never had went out with a girl in my entire life... and the only girl i can think of immediately as a friend to share things... is perhaps only her and maybe 1-2 classmates in NTU.
im painfully shy with girls and am in no hurry to get into a relationship.
yep during my 5 years of soul searching i agree she wasn't really the One for BGR. but she did changed my life. she made me feel complete. and slowly i started to love her... for what she had influenced such a far reaching change in my character
and yes i'll be letting her down, if i did revert back. good point there. i was crying when i wrote that... perhaps wasnt thinking straight.
thanks for your kind words, Master Yun!
P:S// well i dun think this kind of love started with the need for BGR. she made me whole again... and im so much happier... if i could make her the happiest lady in the world... i would definitely marry her... accept all her flaws... accept that everythings about her is good as gold. i owe her alot and that's why i think i have to tell her these one day. let her know.
if she doesn't take it too well... there isn't too much i can do. alll i want her to know she did make a difference to someone's life. -
yo yo yo!Originally posted by chunyong:eh, i also studying in NTU leh....hahaha, me first yr COE...
well u better make up your mind what u are going to do in life.
but first thing: no ta baos... push yourself
but frankly i dun really like my sch... anyone wanna take my place?
i ta bao alot man -
erm i jumped levels.... cos due to my hearing prob... streamed into school at a very young age since the "uneducationally-trainable" program takes many years more than "normal" sch.. 8 yrs vs 6 yrs i thinkOriginally posted by Insightist:WAah how come 15yrs old in jc? R u a foreigner? Indo or china student? Gifted program????damn pro
i jumped levels... met her... sigh
wonder if she minds having someone so much younger hopelessly besotted with her....
but frankly... even if i cant hold her hand, she will be in my heart forever. i am today because of her.
actually i dun see anything fantastic in that. i rather be less blessed academically or in my life... and be with her.
the Lord has a plan for all of you. don't waste it. -
Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would be my first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people whom i do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i want to say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex, don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent, unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i wonder where is mine?
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar, the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated. All these had long come to past.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed, while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing. My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep, insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended the relationship with my gf.
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day; no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do, while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires. I'm still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically, some of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i know my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the expectations. I'm quite loss.
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move on... -
You always, Mr Kopi beng!Originally posted by kopiosatu: so emotional
long time no suan u liao
/me koks -
Well, gald to be of any help seriously.Originally posted by ntu slacker:hello Yun! u been very helpful to me previously abt that NTU crush. to be frank i dun handle girls well.
i never had went out with a girl in my entire life... and the only girl i can think of immediately as a friend to share things... is perhaps only her and maybe 1-2 classmates in NTU.
im painfully shy with girls and am in no hurry to get into a relationship.
yep during my 5 years of soul searching i agree she wasn't really the One for BGR. but she did changed my life. she made me feel complete. and slowly i started to love her... for what she had influenced such a far reaching change in my character
and yes i'll be letting her down, if i did revert back. good point there. i was crying when i wrote that... perhaps wasnt thinking straight.
thanks for your kind words, Master Yun!
P:S// well i dun think this kind of love started with the need for BGR. she made me whole again... and im so much happier... if i could make her the happiest lady in the world... i would definitely marry her... accept all her flaws... accept that everythings about her is good as gold. i owe her alot and that's why i think i have to tell her these one day. let her know.
if she doesn't take it too well... there isn't too much i can do. alll i want her to know she did make a difference to someone's life.
Comparing to non-fulfilling relationship and your zero-status one- you are so much fortunate. At least the footsteps she left had so much meaning into your life.
P.S: No guys are born knowing how to get around girls; they just learn it somehow, in their own ways. You will be fine ya? I wish you well.
Cheers -
Dear wa|th3r,Originally posted by wa|th3r:Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would be my first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people whom i do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i want to say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex, don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent, unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i wonder where is mine?
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar, the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated. All these had long come to past.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed, while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing. My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep, insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended the relationship with my gf.
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day; no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do, while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires. I'm still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically, some of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i know my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the expectations. I'm quite loss.
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move on...
Its always sad to hear cases where drastic negative family influence would affect the child's life. His/her attitude towards love, psychological and sexual development would be so badly affected that it could hinder his/her potential growth. Shadow of the past cannot be erased, because you were young and had little control over your life. That was history.
You can claim and put control into your life now. You have shaped certain way of thinking, mentally and within your character. Quit worrying about your history because you still have probably 3/4 of your life to govern. This is within your grasp of control.
You desire and long for emotional satisfaction because you can't get it from your family; you turn to BGR. Yet because of lower self esteem and pessimistic outlook of life - somehow, what you attempt, desire and the outcome doesn't tally. It walks back to the same circle and you still feel emotionally dead inside.
In theory of Love; we are but the mirror of our partners. The kind of attributes we demostrate, we attract. You mentioned that your 1st gf was suffering from depression - understand why? Because this could be found in you.
Advice?
1) Grab hold of your life. When you were a kid, you knew nothing and were subjected to external factors. Now, you are biologically old enough to be a father - are you still going to allow the same old factors affect you for the rest of your life? Like I mentioned, you still have another 3/4 of your life to spend - will there be a break through from your current pathetic state? No, I didn't say it was going to be easy - but if you never try, you will never get out of your prison.
2) Learn to love yourself. From the theory of love, if you were to treasure, appreciate and love yourself - you will eventually attract someone who will, in turn, treasure, appreciate and love you back. You want positive quality in a mate, you have to have them in yourself.
P.S: Before you learn to walk a mile, you have to begin your first step.
When you love, you should not say,
"God is in my heart,"
But rather,
"I am in the heart of God
Cheers -
Hey Walther and NTU slacker...
Glad you guys shared your backgrounds and struggles. Nevertheless, i've faced or been through some of the shit u guys have. I wanna encourage you guys by advising you both to turn back to God the moment you feel tired,drained,worthless....whatever. God never fails us nor forsakes us. I know its sounds difficult, but just say a word of prayer and feed on the word, you never know what He's gonna speak to us.
To NTU slacker:
Great to know that you've overcome all odds and are now who you are. I believe if she's the one, you'l be together some day. Trust me. .
To Walther:
You are never alone in all your struggles. I really empathise with you, knowing how it feels. Trust me, God is the only one who never fails us. The world disappoints, but He nevers. Anytime you need a listening ear, we're all here to listen and share. Cheers~ -
i think i going to da-bao Circuits liao.....sianOriginally posted by ntu slacker:yo yo yo!
well u better make up your mind what u are going to do in life.
but first thing: no ta baos... push yourself
but frankly i dun really like my sch... anyone wanna take my place?
i ta bao alot man -
Originally posted by wa|th3r:
I don't know if any advise will really help you but I can really understand how you feel. Cos my father was a very traditional and violent man....very violent.....to the extend we lend up in police station. My mum suffered a great deal. So did all of us...financially, emotionally...well, that's not the point here. The point I want to point out is that I can understand from your level what you're driving at. And...I just want you to know, believing in God is one thing, committing your burdens, fears and sins to Him is another thing. And we all dun deserve His perfect love & mercy but He still loves us; that's call grace. And with His grace, He loves us unconditionally. So what expectations are you trying to match? We can never meet His expectations....never cos we are all not perfect. Think there's anyone in this world who can meet the 10 commandments. None. We just strive to be more like Him cos we know we are made in His image, and when we fail, we know He still loves us and will carry us through. I love this verse I just memorised Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified in Christ and I no longer live; but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." So, your "old" self is "dead", treasure your new "creation". God Bless N take care
Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would be my first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people whom i do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i want to say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex, don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent, unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i wonder where is mine?
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar, the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated. All these had long come to past.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed, while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing. My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep, insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended the relationship with my gf.
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day; no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do, while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires. [b]I'm still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically, some of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i know my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the expectations. I'm quite loss.
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move on...
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Originally posted by wa|th3r:
Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would be my first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people whom i do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i want to say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex, don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
> Thats great! Personally i HATE playboys because they usually hurt the hearts of those carebears of people's life and there's nothing more painful that watching a girl whom u love deeply fall in love with a guy only to freefall to her own demise. If u consistently maintain these standards, you are automatically husband material.
nice guys finish last. husbands finish last. get my drift? i rather wait 10 years and be her husband rather than get into an inconsequential r/s wif her
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent, unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i wonder where is mine?
> "Love is patient..." You gotta wait man... at least your parents do earn a decent living providing for the family. perhaps they arent too good at relating to their children... but they at least raised u up to be a yound adult!
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar, the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated. All these had long come to past.
> Parents naturally wan the best to be drawn forth from their children. some can never figure out the trick to do it properly. but they are at least thinking about ur future. and furthermore if u are really smart, just checkmate them... trap them in their own words... that will beat any academic qualification... because that coup de grace can bring down anyone.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed, while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing. My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep, insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended the relationship with my gf.
> well, based on what i read... i suppose ur family is kinda astute to know that she's just treating u as a pillar of strength... nthing more than that i suppose... but im not too sure on that cos details here are sketchy. dun lose ur sleep or your life over her. look, i love her very very very very very very very very much for what she is... and she is always in my heart... but i am in control of my life thanks alot. once someone takes the wheel from u yourself... thats the end
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day; no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do, while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires. I'm still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically, some of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i know my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the expectations. I'm quite loss.
> You arent expected to match up with the expectations. God knew that Man himself would never measure up with them. God doesnt even measure us to his expectations. but he does want to see our efforts and actions. even if you fail, you gotta try. and like in the exams, you cant get the final answers but with the correct methods... you have met with the expectations themselves right!!!?
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
> be patient. i see no hurry for that. rem i loved her for 5 years... and thats total unrequited love. there isnt any reason to plunge into a relationship simply because it is the thing to do. only when u seriously care and love someone for that long... which can withstand temptations etc... then a r/s can develop. mind u not BGR. im sure at one time u did really love ur parents? cos it exists in the first place...a nd they are a parent to you due to the existence of the loving relationship.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move on...
> not trying to preach to you... but these are hopefully to pep u up. life is a long way to run. the trick is to have fun during it. think abt hotdog and lemonade stands along a 2.4 km run?
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Thanks for your advice everyone, i appreciate this. I wasn't in need of help, neither was i hoping get anything. I was just lamenting, complaining. In the end I know the sensible thing is to move on with life. I never have the habit to voice my complains anyway, so i wrote all those simply to let out, because i know everyone has their equal share of problems.
Cheers! away with our problems! -
Its great to hear people picking up and moving on with their lives ... ...
Cheers guys, I respect you both.
BTW, I think I might ta bao electric power and machine ... would last minute revision help? Heehee ... sianz arh, exams coming liao!