Helping her? Harming Her?
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i never thought that i'd post in here..... lolz, after such a long time of helping (or at least trying to help), i now.... seek help
there are times whereby 2 ppl seems to attracted to each other, yet when one of them doesn't seem to move forth to make the r/s even better.... due to the personal reasons of :
1 ) had past trauma in previous r/s... perhaps unable to face up to it, hence leaving a scar, which hinders progress in r/s
2 ) doesn't want to make female fren "suffer" with self
so this "retreating" way of treating the fren.... comes out with 2 conclusions
i ) in a way, it's helping her, by not letting her be in a r/s that could be a disaster that could cause her the scar
ii ) making her feel bad in a way (not sure of which) which may lead her to a wrong path she might take....
so the point i'm trying to ask all of u... is...
Is 1 ) and 2 ) justifiable for the reason that could reach conclusions of i ) and ii ).
is it fair for her? for me?
fair for the frenship?
need help here, cause..... i seem to find myself in the same scenario everytime... in the recent.... 1 yr +.........
many thx... in advanced.... -
this is sooooooooooooooooo confusing
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kind of disagree its fair
be true to your feelings that's all i can say.
although you have a wounded heart... if the scars are more or less healed... but still there... open it anyway and receieve the true power of love
"Love is patient, love is kind is not jealous; love does not brag is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered,}
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails..."
Corinthans 1 Ch 13
persevere and in the end you shall receive love.
tts exactly is what kinda happened to me... u can read my thread. "Decided to come clean"
im currently regretting like siao.
if u love her. DO NOT BACK OFF. but show her that you REALLY LOVE her
dun ever confuse LOVE with like
LOVE as what exactly is described above. deviate from it... it isnt love anymore. the true taste of love is ALWAYS bitter because its about giving and giving not receiving. -
Actually I do not really understand fully what are you trying to ask. Correct me If I am wrong:Originally posted by AngelDark:i never thought that i'd post in here..... lolz, after such a long time of helping (or at least trying to help), i now.... seek help
there are times whereby 2 ppl seems to attracted to each other, yet when one of them doesn't seem to move forth to make the r/s even better.... due to the personal reasons of :
1 ) had past trauma in previous r/s... perhaps unable to face up to it, hence leaving a scar, which hinders progress in r/s
2 ) doesn't want to make female fren "suffer" with self
so this "retreating" way of treating the fren.... comes out with 2 conclusions
i ) in a way, it's helping her, by not letting her be in a r/s that could be a disaster that could cause her the scar
ii ) making her feel bad in a way (not sure of which) which may lead her to a wrong path she might take....
so the point i'm trying to ask all of u... is...
Is 1 ) and 2 ) justifiable for the reason that could reach conclusions of i ) and ii ).
is it fair for her? for me?
fair for the frenship?
need help here, cause..... i seem to find myself in the same scenario everytime... in the recent.... 1 yr +.........
many thx... in advanced....
Bad past - into fear - into stagnant of relationship.
P.S: You are talking about relationship (BGR) or friendship with this female friend of yours?
Cheers -
Originally posted by AngelDark:
i never thought that i'd post in here..... lolz, after such a long time of helping (or at least trying to help), i now.... seek help
there are times whereby 2 ppl seems to attracted to each other, yet when one of them doesn't seem to move forth to make the r/s even better.... due to the personal reasons of :
1 ) had past trauma in previous r/s... perhaps unable to face up to it, hence leaving a scar, which hinders progress in r/s
2 ) doesn't want to make female fren "suffer" with self
so this "retreating" way of treating the fren.... comes out with 2 conclusions
i ) in a way, it's helping her, by not letting her be in a r/s that could be a disaster that could cause her the scar
ii ) making her feel bad in a way (not sure of which) which may lead her to a wrong path she might take....
so the point i'm trying to ask all of u... is...
Is 1 ) and 2 ) justifiable for the reason that could reach conclusions of i ) and ii ).
Not sure about your point (ii). But a little far reached to make you jump into your conclusion (i). Before I continue, just to clear my doubts... Can you better define (ii) as to what 'wrong path she might take' are you suggesting?
Yes. (1) & (2) can easily make a person comes to a decision making of (i). But one thing I would like to point out in conclusion (i). You're not exactly 'helping' her. This 'error' is probably made in the light that you're quite an 'advance' creature. Humans tend to think alot for their future and the future of others around them. Which is... Not always practical. Your 'helping' her in (i) is more like 'defending' her. In a way against yourself (which you probably think you are so familar with). 'Helping' haven't comes in as the problem isn't there yet. Though you might see much of a potential for the things to happen, future is more often like a mist than not.
Every relationship holds a risk of leaving a scar behind a person's life. May it be you or someone else. How can you tell if she would to get into a relationship with someone else she won't be hurt more? The fact is probably you can't. Question 1 I wanna ask is, do both of you really love each other for NOW? Forget about the future. Nobody can really guarantee much for the future of a relationship. Life is always so unpredictable. If you're both for it, why not? At least the situation is still partially under your control? If she's with someone else and hurt badly, it really don't make much sense for you to tell her bf what he should be doing. You would just be an outsider then?
is it fair for her? for me?
fair for the frenship?
It's not really fair for her. Because you don't really know what she wants in her mind. You simply can't make a decision for someone and blindly says its 'fair' to that person.
For you? Probably only you can tell for certainty? But my guess is it's not.... There's a 'struggle' in you. Often when there's a struggle between what you desire and reality may offer you, 'fairness' is in question.
What relationship? Both of you are not an item yet. The relationship itself probably has yet to 'exist'. Without 'existence', fairness to it is just draft question.
need help here, cause..... i seem to find myself in the same scenario everytime... in the recent.... 1 yr +.........
Point to take note. You tends to worry too much about the relationship of a newborn relationship. It's not that you shouldn't. It's just that life is unpredictable. Sometimes when the circumstances come for both of you to fall apart, you just can't stop it from happening. The least you can do is try your best. Avoiding a relationship is sure an 'energy' & 'emotions' saving way for both parties. But so would it be if we all ain't born in this way.... We're not born to save 'energy' & 'emotions'... Understand that for good...
All is kinda like an 'investment'. Do you see the 'fruit' in the future? Or sometimes it's not really about the 'fruit'... How about the 'worth'? Hmm... You reminds me of my childhood again... The drain which caused me the 'fall' when I was only around 4...? Right infront of my doorsteps... For years I dare not cross it... The phobia of it immediately when I stepped out of my house... Always going a big round detour to avoid the whole stretch of drain... Really SMALL drain... With a few more years to come you'll probably get so conditioned to it like I did....
You can't tell the future, but somehow you think you do.
Before the actual 'battle' you've already withdrawn yourself and lost much of your 'battle'. You should be concentrating on working things out instead. Failures are inevitable in life. Whatever they may cause you. Whatever they may cause the others. You just need to know and let her understand. Whatever may happen in the future... Don't hurt each other for you've truly love each other... Things sometimes happens... Unplanned for and unintentional... Live to understand that and face it.... -
everytin is fated
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Depending on how you define 'fated'?Originally posted by Xiao Long Nu:everytin is fated
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smthing tt is beyond ur ctrl? when it comes it come?Originally posted by Devil1976:Depending on how you define 'fated'? 
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ok
restating the whole story again....
it's not r/s as in bgr yet... but more of r/s btw frens....
that kind of errr normal frenship, that could somehow, blossom into something more....
but thx anyways for all who tried to at least read and offer advice....
devil, got ur msg, will do some thoughts on it..... it was.... helpful -
Get over with e bad experience of e past..no use brooding over it n let it hinders ur personal life... life stil have to go on.. give urself n her a chance to progress, n leave e rest to fate if u do believe..
n tell urself that "If something is fated to be urs, it'll be somehow"
Cheer up pal!!!
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Don't look back, the future doesn't lie in the past.
Though our past consists of experiences that will guide our future, it shouldn't hinder it.
Don't decide what your friend wants. Give what you have and don't hold back, let her choose what she wants to accept. -
The usual belief is "when it comes, it comes..." Probably everything which has a beginning would have an end... Unless you're talking about something which has a much longer period to be really determined by us (something like universe, but not a very good example...). Or something too ABSTRACT. Anyway, back to the point....Originally posted by hopy:smthing tt is beyond ur ctrl? when it comes it come?
Since ALMOST everything would have an 'end' to it, people somehow have this delusion that 'EVERYTHING IS FATED'. What if we can do something about our fate and the fate of others indirectly? What if fate might be able to be altered or control in some circumstances? Makes you wonder... What is 'fate'? What is 'fated'?
Personally, I think that SOME things are 'fated' while others are not. Subjected to 'Law of Relativity'. -
Past experience probably isn't about everything - more importantly, it is the impact of the situation gained from past experience - fear.Originally posted by AngelDark:i never thought that i'd post in here..... lolz, after such a long time of helping (or at least trying to help), i now.... seek help
there are times whereby 2 ppl seems to attracted to each other, yet when one of them doesn't seem to move forth to make the r/s even better.... due to the personal reasons of :
1 ) had past trauma in previous r/s... perhaps unable to face up to it, hence leaving a scar, which hinders progress in r/s
2 ) doesn't want to make female fren "suffer" with self
so this "retreating" way of treating the fren.... comes out with 2 conclusions
i ) in a way, it's helping her, by not letting her be in a r/s that could be a disaster that could cause her the scar
ii ) making her feel bad in a way (not sure of which) which may lead her to a wrong path she might take....
so the point i'm trying to ask all of u... is...
Is 1 ) and 2 ) justifiable for the reason that could reach conclusions of i ) and ii ).
is it fair for her? for me?
fair for the frenship?
need help here, cause..... i seem to find myself in the same scenario everytime... in the recent.... 1 yr +.........
many thx... in advanced....
This guy fear and afraid to walk into the potential future, away from safety shore. Every relationship has its risk - he feared this risk and is unwilling to trade current security for potential love. Retreating as a result - psychological evidence of low self esteem and confidence.
The problem isn't about her - its more about you (or the guy, if it wasn't you). Fear that you might hurt her? Ok, let me ask another question: do you fancy her? If so, the problem of the past - only recently?
Whether is it a yes or a no to the latter question: you know that you have to walk out of your sorrow sooner or later. I am not asking you to rush into a relationship with her, rather its needless to avoid and 'retreat' as you might put it. Remain current friendship and see how it goes. Take whatever time that is needed to walk through your ill past - then if fate really allows, who knows what might happen in the future? You are probably confused about your choices now, therefore you decide to distance yourself from her. Eventually you have to face it someday, why not face it generously and handle it rationally?
Keep your friendship simple - damn the rest. Time will show you the path needed to be taken.
Possible Complication: If you know that you are on the rebound, its a different case altogether. Take some time to recover and clear your mind before you make any decision.
Cheers -
hmm, thx alot yun.... got some inspiration from that...
=) -
u nv try u nv noe whether u haf recover frm the trauma tat u experienced frm previous r/s...if she really serious in tis r/s ur way of helping her may be unfair to her...
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u nv try u nv noe whether u haf recover frm the trauma tat u experienced frm previous r/s...if she really serious in tis r/s ur way of helping her may be unfair to her...
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Sure dude. I wish you well.Originally posted by AngelDark:hmm, thx alot yun.... got some inspiration from that...
=)