How will you help if...
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How will you help a friend who's an ex-gang member who's been in and out more than a couple of times? My frien's giving me the creeps. He claims to be straight now but he still has connections with his 'friends' - the same 'friends' whom he once saved the lives of and the same 'friends' who got him into trouble before. I really don't understand. Anyone knows why? *PuZzLed*
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old time ah beng tt lives by 'yi qi'. hard for them to turn around n walk away. got many traditions which include getting beaten up if u wana leave the brotherhood.
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It's not easy to leave a gang as and when you like right? Maybe he claims to have nothing to do with them anymore, but still remains in contact with some of them cos he cannot break off those ties simply like that?Originally posted by **~Angel~**:How will you help a friend who's an ex-gang member who's been in and out more than a couple of times? My frien's giving me the creeps. He claims to be straight now but he still has connections with his 'friends' - the same 'friends' whom he once saved the lives of and the same 'friends' who got him into trouble before. I really don't understand. Anyone knows why? *PuZzLed*
I'm not sure, but if I were you, I'd try and engage him in other activities that might distract him from those friends or lessen his chances of interaction with them. Like you could introduce him to new friends, and then all participate in some healthy physical activities [i mean like playing ball at the beach]. -
Ya, I know..He saved their lives and yet they still beat him up and yet he still thinks they might help him in future..Is this ignorance or what??Originally posted by skeujin:old time ah beng tt lives by 'yi qi'. hard for them to turn around n walk away. got many traditions which include getting beaten up if u wana leave the brotherhood.
? He knows it's wrong and is helping others leave their groups as well. -
Ya, I know..But he saved their lives and yet they still beat him up and yet he still thinks they might help him in future..Is this ignorance or what??Originally posted by skeujin:old time ah beng tt lives by 'yi qi'. hard for them to turn around n walk away. got many traditions which include getting beaten up if u wana leave the brotherhood.? -
Hmm maybe you're right. Alright, I'll try that. Might get him out of his dark memories that still haunts him till this day. Thanks, MooKu!Originally posted by MooKu:It's not easy to leave a gang as and when you like right? Maybe he claims to have nothing to do with them anymore, but still remains in contact with some of them cos he cannot break off those ties simply like that?
I'm not sure, but if I were you, I'd try and engage him in other activities that might distract him from those friends or lessen his chances of interaction with them. Like you could introduce him to new friends, and then all participate in some healthy physical activities [i mean like playing ball at the beach]. -
y get involved in gangs in da 1st place?????
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I suggest he disavow himself from his so called former friendsOriginally posted by **~Angel~**:How will you help a friend who's an ex-gang member who's been in and out more than a couple of times? My frien's giving me the creeps. He claims to be straight now but he still has connections with his 'friends' - the same 'friends' whom he once saved the lives of and the same 'friends' who got him into trouble before. I really don't understand. Anyone knows why? *PuZzLed*
It may get you into the soup as well
and if he's totally sincere to change... its not that hard really. just reform your behavior and im sure his friends will cast him out. i mean birds of the same feather flock together -
Bad company, I guess.Originally posted by 35MM Gunner:y get involved in gangs in da 1st place????? 
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I enouraged him to stop all communications with them but he just doesn't wants to. He said that he might need them. But wtf? How can he still count on them? Don't you agree?Originally posted by ntu slacker:I suggest he disavow himself from his so called former friends
It may get you into the soup as well
and if he's totally sincere to change... its not that hard really. just reform your behavior and im sure his friends will cast him out. i mean birds of the same feather flock together
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hello angel..Originally posted by **~Angel~**:I enouraged him to stop all communications with them but he just doesn't wants to. He said that he might need them. But wtf? How can he still count on them? Don't you agree? 
maybe try to be more patient? it's like smoking, you can't just quit because you wanna 
your friend thinks he might need them, but soon after he finds new friends, he may change his way of thinking... MAY. must look on the bright side hee. 
meanwhile do be patient and stay with your friend through this period of time.. i'm sure he needs a friend like you -
well sort ofOriginally posted by **~Angel~**:I enouraged him to stop all communications with them but he just doesn't wants to. He said that he might need them. But wtf? How can he still count on them? Don't you agree?
but how long ago has he been free?
he takes a little time
or u can intro him worthy and true friends to mingle with... that is ASSMUING his character has changed.
try to be the lady to make him WANT to be a better man.
u cant change people... but u can make them change.
i know this. because there was such a lady in my life. now unfortunately we arent together
but since im not a gang member, i dunno. but there might be SEVERE REPERCUSSIONS if he were to break up ties with them,,, y not probe further what kind of help he's expecting from them in future.
most importantly, know when to run. that is if he totally refuses to think about his and his 'new' friends' safety and cont to mingle with those bad hats. -
Some people just have such belief of 'what are friends for'? Sometimes it's hard to change such mind sets....Originally posted by **~Angel~**:Ya, I know..But he saved their lives and yet they still beat him up and yet he still thinks they might help him in future..Is this ignorance or what??? -
Hiya MooKu..Originally posted by MooKu:hello angel.. maybe try to be more patient? it's like smoking, you can't just quit because you wanna your friend thinks he might need them, but soon after he finds new friends, he may change his way of thinking... MAY. must look on the bright side hee.
meanwhile do be patient and stay with your friend through this period of time.. i'm sure he needs a friend like you I've been thing about your advice. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's because he can't break off and not that he doesn't want to. 
I'll try to be more paitient with him lor. Thanks lots!! -
He's been free for about half a year now, promised not to return but it's really hard to say. As for the "servere repercussions" you mentioned, he's already experienced it. Haiz..he's a changed person now but still very vulnerable to influences around him..Anyway, thanks for the adviceOriginally posted by ntu slacker:well sort of
but how long ago has he been free?
he takes a little time
or u can intro him worthy and true friends to mingle with... that is ASSMUING his character has changed.
try to be the lady to make him WANT to be a better man.
u cant change people... but u can make them change.
i know this. because there was such a lady in my life. now unfortunately we arent together
but since im not a gang member, i dunno. but there might be SEVERE REPERCUSSIONS if he were to break up ties with them,,, y not probe further what kind of help he's expecting from them in future.
most importantly, know when to run. that is if he totally refuses to think about his and his 'new' friends' safety and cont to mingle with those bad hats. -
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Yah that's exactly how he still thinks. That "friends above all" mindset's still somewhere in him.Originally posted by Devil1976:Some people just have such belief of 'what are friends for'? Sometimes it's hard to change such mind sets.... -
hmmz....
I felt that once he's into all these, it's gonna be very very hard to get away. Moreover, he's once into bars so he might feel that it doesn't really matters so much after all. He might even be having this post-jail symtoms that his Position in his so-called society is more senior after what he did to help his friends. U know, those buddies of him will think that "wah, this one Brother enough man.. help us to take all the blames... really loyal to friends.. etc etc.." That might be the reason yr man doesn't wanna leaves this kind of life yet and feels that he might need them in future. buy the truth hurts, the returns of being a secret society is Singapore is not as high as else where. Looking at my relatives who operates a gambling den in M'sia and witnessing them breaking others' ribs and legs. Well, they earn money from their ruthless means... but in SG, sighz! the law is too strict on all these things and wat do they gain? Nothing at all... except for all those Majority Bully Minority ways of handling situations. Really sick of all these craps...
It's hard to make him turn afresh for now as he felt that he has given up a lot of things for his so-called brothers..
If u really care and love and he do.. likewise loves you deeply. He will know how to weigh the importance of these two. If he doesn't, i should advise you that nothing will come good out from these.. i've seen a lot.
If you are so determined to help him, then, be patient and wait. Coz sometimes, time will change a person, but it could, also, change a heart..
Take carez! -
It can be quite an important mindset of many gang members... Just like a 'backbone'... Asking him to change that is like telling someone not to be himself.... Asking someone to change his character and be someone else..?Originally posted by **~Angel~**:Yah that's exactly how he still thinks. That "friends above all" mindset's still somewhere in him.
If you really have to do... You can try working on that form of mentality... Not destroying it but having it shifted to another aspect or area instead....
~good luck.
PS. By the way, who is the guy you're talking about? -
Originally posted by **~Angel~**:How will you help a friend who's an ex-gang member who's been in and out more than a couple of times? My frien's giving me the creeps. He claims to be straight now but he still has connections with his 'friends' - the same 'friends' whom he once saved the lives of and the same 'friends' who got him into trouble before. I really don't understand. Anyone knows why? *PuZzLed* ask him to always nag at them like a mother to quit smoking and drinking. they sure cannot tahan one.
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Originally posted by weidev:
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Daiki, thanks for sharing this with me. Really appreciate itOriginally posted by Daiki:hmmz....
I felt that once he's into all these, it's gonna be very very hard to get away. Moreover, he's once into bars so he might feel that it doesn't really matters so much after all. He might even be having this post-jail symtoms that his Position in his so-called society is more senior after what he did to help his friends. U know, those buddies of him will think that "wah, this one Brother enough man.. help us to take all the blames... really loyal to friends.. etc etc.." That might be the reason yr man doesn't wanna leaves this kind of life yet and feels that he might need them in future. buy the truth hurts, the returns of being a secret society is Singapore is not as high as else where. Looking at my relatives who operates a gambling den in M'sia and witnessing them breaking others' ribs and legs. Well, they earn money from their ruthless means... but in SG, sighz! the law is too strict on all these things and wat do they gain? Nothing at all... except for all those Majority Bully Minority ways of handling situations. Really sick of all these craps...
It's hard to make him turn afresh for now as he felt that he has given up a lot of things for his so-called brothers..
If u really care and love and he do.. likewise loves you deeply. He will know how to weigh the importance of these two. If he doesn't, i should advise you that nothing will come good out from these.. i've seen a lot.
If you are so determined to help him, then, be patient and wait. Coz sometimes, time will change a person, but it could, also, change a heart..
Take carez!
So i guess *patience* is the bottomline.. -
Originally posted by Devil1976:
Thanks but umm I'm not expecting him to really change in his behavior. Maybe just his way of thinking - as in change for the better and stop keeping in touch with those people.
It can be quite an important mindset of many gang members... Just like a 'backbone'... Asking him to change that is like telling someone not to be himself.... Asking someone to change his character and be someone else..?
If you really have to do... You can try working on that form of mentality... Not destroying it but having it shifted to another aspect or area instead....
~good luck.
PS. By the way, who is the guy you're talking about?
And wouldn't be nice if I expose his identity, hope you understand. -
LOLZOriginally posted by boy in blues: ask him to always nag at them like a mother to quit smoking and drinking. they sure cannot tahan one.
If only things are so simple... -
Funny things are how we looked into handling of situations. Yr mind has been set to make him leave his bad company but u can't do so coz he's determined to stay there for time being. So when u can't get wat u wan, u started to get confused and seek for advise. Wat we say or type here isn't gonna do much help if u dun wish to take any actions on it and u will continue to live in confusing world again. When i mentioned time will change everything, i'm also implying that on you. Patience is not the bottomline but the last resort if u loved him very much. Then again, loving a person at this time and having to love him for the rest of yr life is another issue. If u do love him, love him thoroughly also, that includes who he is now and then. If u try to change him, that means u are changing the person that you 'll LIKE to have. that is not love, that is making him another 'property' of yours. Think deeply, is it what u wan eventually? what if he mention "If u love me, love me wat i am now and dun ask me to change!" to you? how would u react? Life is complicated becoz we never know what another person is thinking and drew up our own conclusion, but things aren't the way we thought it should be.