Was She Wrong?
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let me tell you a story, but pls be patient with me.. it's rather long winded :
there was once a 20 yr old ger, she was young and pretty. one day, she met a man. well.. it was love at first sight... they went out together... and soon they were a couple... everything was so beautiful and fine. both did not have a job then.. the ger loves this guy so much.. so much so she was willing to give everything up for him. she moved in with the guy, deserting her family and friends. the guy was possessive, does not allow the ger to have any friends.. the ger being so naive... listened and obeyed. they stayed in rented room for the next 3 years. during those 3 yrs, sometimes there were quarrels.. sometimes the guy will hit the ger. he is very bad tempered at times... the ger has keep encouraging the guy to find a proper job, but it doesn't seem to get into the guy. he is just too lazy. he simply rather get by each day on the income from the ger's giving private tuition. the ger earns quite a bit from tuition each month, about 1200. So the days becomes years... no matter how the ger encourages, it just failed to make the guy work.
but the ger loves him so much, at the end of 3rd year.. she married him... that didn't mark the end of the troubles.. that didn't make the guy determined to change his way of life.. he continued to laze at home, watch tv... goes to pub, drink like hell.. hang out with friends... Noone really knows about him. He was a mystery to his friends. His friends wondered why is he so rich coz he has money even though he doesn't work. little do they know that he got all his money from the ger. the ger worked very hard, and she was happy to see him happy. that was naive of her.. but still love is blind..
all these continued till the 5th yr of their relationship, one day, the guy disappeared along with all his belongings. the ger was devasted. she has built her world around him. he was everything to her. she had nothing, no friends, no family. and he was her only kin. he just left like that, without a word. she was hurt. she felt as if she was dying. she waited and waited for his call, in vain.
one night, 2 weeks after his disappearance, she cried and cried. noone could help, not even the sos helpline. the pain was tearing her apart. she couldn't take it at last, she cut her wrists. blood flows.. she felt so relieved. her landlord was the first to discover that and sent her to hospital. she survived.
it wasn't easy, it really wasn't. the pain won't go away. her whole mind was filled with thoughts of him. where did he go? where is he now? what happened to him? why does he do that? why did he leave? she was going crazy. she needed someone to talk to. so she chatted with someone that night. a stranger. it has been a while since she last chatted with anyone. she has shut herself up too long. it was a great chat. it did help her to relax and not think so much. so every night, she chatted with the same stranger and that continued for a month. the chats really made her forget the pain for some time, though when she's alone, the thots would come back again. it is not easy to forget. how to forget such hurt.
the stranger became her good friend, then her bf. she felt so happy with him. she almost forget her husband. until one day, he called to apologise and he came home to see her for awhile. she cried so much. she still loves him but everything has changed. he asked a big sum of money from her, citing that he got into trouble for the past year which he was missing. she, without thinking, passed him that money. he disappeared again with the money. this time, she has found support emotionally in her bf. she was not as helpless as before. though she know that she won't ever see that money again, but she also learned not to trust her husband anymore. her husband called once a month, never did return any of the money, never did come home even. His whereabouts, and what he does outside, noone really knows. His parents were so disappointed with him.
Anyway, the relationship of the ger and her bf continues, she felt so comfortable with him. maybe she finds love in him. He's very loving, very caring. This is what she needs most. She has come to realise that it is more fortunate to be loved then to love someone. Her bf loves her very much. But she was at a lost. She started to doubt whether was she seeking someone for comfort or did she really love him... but one thing she was sure.. she definitely was very happy when she's with him.
they could talk about anything under the sun, they were best of friends, and are getting along very well indeed as a couple. Her bf brings her along to every of his family's functions and dinners. Her bf just wants her to be with him all the time. Her bf did not deny the fact that she is married. He made everyone around him accepted her. He really loves her. But she was still married.
She knew she was wrong. She can't have 2 guys at the same time. She needed to make a decision soon. Or rather she already had, but her husband was away from home. She took another half a year to be certain of her decision. And she informed her husband that she wanted a divorce. She couldn't live with this man anymore. He abuses, he deserts, he disappoints. She has given him all the patience he needed, all the care he needed, all the love he needed, but he still chooses to desert even though he said he loves her so deeply. Are words enough? He was a liar from the start, he lies about everything to everyone. He lies to his parents about what he does, he lies to his friends that he is rich... he lies to his wife about what he does outside... his whole life was made up by him. He created his life to be a big lie, and he chooses to continue to live in that lie. who can tolerate that?
She felt she deserved someone better. She felt that she has done enough. She loves him so much, but he let her down. Now that she was giving up, her husband came back to tell her he still want the relationship. Isn't it too late? She can't turn back anymore. For the past one and the half years of his disappearance, she has almost died. She has shut herself away from everything, she has suffered enough, slogging each day to pay his debts. She has never loved someone this much before, she has never felt such deep hurt before. She was never so determined to end this marriage, until her bf made her realise what is real love. He made her realised that she has been living in a fairytale for too long, it's time to get out.
She has moved to live with her bf and his family, and are planning for marriage after her divorce. She is filing for divorce in april next year. She is happy now, so contented being with a person who is responsible and down-to-earth. He loves her more than anything, and he just simply enjoys doing everything with her. it has been about 1.5 yrs into the relationship and this means that the husband has deserted her for a whole 2 years. time really flies huh...
thinking back, was she wrong in straying? was she in the wrong that she didn't wait for her husband to come back? was she wrong that she had a bf when she had a husband? was she wrong at all?
was she wrong in pursuing love that she desired? was she wrong in making the decision to leave her husband? was she wrong not to give her husband another chance?
can anyone comment? -
they r no 'wrongs' when u r in love...
but they r 'wrongs' when u r not in love anymore...
Wat can i say...Love is blind. -
she didn't stray, he did.. in fact, he abandoned her...
at that time, all bets are off..
she did not wrong in finding her own happiness... none at all... -
true story? this kinda girl extinct -
it is a true story
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was it youOriginally posted by Haze|:it is a true story
i tink the girl long ago should dump the guy....bastard guy.....so tink the girl no wrong..oni ting is she divorced too late. -
she was nt wrong, since the guy left her liao...
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Hiaz vey sad story, ..
well i do agreed there is alot of cases like her, but maybe not the bad ..
well i think she was navie, young and innocent...
love is blind and always follow by maddness ...
anyway it wasn't a bad thing,
at least she learn a lesson even if it was a big prices to pay,
withour this lesson, maybe she will never learn,
waste her time, effor, money, youth .. hiaz .... sobz ...
even many people know abt this, this sort of situation still happen,
they know things may lead to nowhere but still continue,
do we call this dump or we call this love????
hiazz dun really know wat ladys r thinking nowadays... -
God is fair...she deserves nothing less than wat the new bf can do for her...she should have strayed long long ago...Originally posted by Haze|:let me tell you a story, but pls be patient with me.. it's rather long winded :
there was once a 20 yr old ger, she was young and pretty. one day, she met a man. well.. it was love at first sight... they went out together... and soon they were a couple... everything was so beautiful and fine. both did not have a job then.. the ger loves this guy so much.. so much so she was willing to give everything up for him. she moved in with the guy, deserting her family and friends. the guy was possessive, does not allow the ger to have any friends.. the ger being so naive... listened and obeyed. they stayed in rented room for the next 3 years. during those 3 yrs, sometimes there were quarrels.. sometimes the guy will hit the ger. he is very bad tempered at times... the ger has keep encouraging the guy to find a proper job, but it doesn't seem to get into the guy. he is just too lazy. he simply rather get by each day on the income from the ger's giving private tuition. the ger earns quite a bit from tuition each month, about 1200. So the days becomes years... no matter how the ger encourages, it just failed to make the guy work.
but the ger loves him so much, at the end of 3rd year.. she married him... that didn't mark the end of the troubles.. that didn't make the guy determined to change his way of life.. he continued to laze at home, watch tv... goes to pub, drink like hell.. hang out with friends... Noone really knows about him. He was a mystery to his friends. His friends wondered why is he so rich coz he has money even though he doesn't work. little do they know that he got all his money from the ger. the ger worked very hard, and she was happy to see him happy. that was naive of her.. but still love is blind..
all these continued till the 5th yr of their relationship, one day, the guy disappeared along with all his belongings. the ger was devasted. she has built her world around him. he was everything to her. she had nothing, no friends, no family. and he was her only kin. he just left like that, without a word. she was hurt. she felt as if she was dying. she waited and waited for his call, in vain.
one night, 2 weeks after his disappearance, she cried and cried. noone could help, not even the sos helpline. the pain was tearing her apart. she couldn't take it at last, she cut her wrists. blood flows.. she felt so relieved. her landlord was the first to discover that and sent her to hospital. she survived.
it wasn't easy, it really wasn't. the pain won't go away. her whole mind was filled with thoughts of him. where did he go? where is he now? what happened to him? why does he do that? why did he leave? she was going crazy. she needed someone to talk to. so she chatted with someone that night. a stranger. it has been a while since she last chatted with anyone. she has shut herself up too long. it was a great chat. it did help her to relax and not think so much. so every night, she chatted with the same stranger and that continued for a month. the chats really made her forget the pain for some time, though when she's alone, the thots would come back again. it is not easy to forget. how to forget such hurt.
the stranger became her good friend, then her bf. she felt so happy with him. she almost forget her husband. until one day, he called to apologise and he came home to see her for awhile. she cried so much. she still loves him but everything has changed. he asked a big sum of money from her, citing that he got into trouble for the past year which he was missing. she, without thinking, passed him that money. he disappeared again with the money. this time, she has found support emotionally in her bf. she was not as helpless as before. though she know that she won't ever see that money again, but she also learned not to trust her husband anymore. her husband called once a month, never did return any of the money, never did come home even. His whereabouts, and what he does outside, noone really knows. His parents were so disappointed with him.
Anyway, the relationship of the ger and her bf continues, she felt so comfortable with him. maybe she finds love in him. He's very loving, very caring. This is what she needs most. She has come to realise that it is more fortunate to be loved then to love someone. Her bf loves her very much. But she was at a lost. She started to doubt whether was she seeking someone for comfort or did she really love him... but one thing she was sure.. she definitely was very happy when she's with him.
they could talk about anything under the sun, they were best of friends, and are getting along very well indeed as a couple. Her bf brings her along to every of his family's functions and dinners. Her bf just wants her to be with him all the time. Her bf did not deny the fact that she is married. He made everyone around him accepted her. He really loves her. But she was still married.
She knew she was wrong. She can't have 2 guys at the same time. She needed to make a decision soon. Or rather she already had, but her husband was away from home. She took another half a year to be certain of her decision. And she informed her husband that she wanted a divorce. She couldn't live with this man anymore. He abuses, he deserts, he disappoints. She has given him all the patience he needed, all the care he needed, all the love he needed, but he still chooses to desert even though he said he loves her so deeply. Are words enough? He was a liar from the start, he lies about everything to everyone. He lies to his parents about what he does, he lies to his friends that he is rich... he lies to his wife about what he does outside... his whole life was made up by him. He created his life to be a big lie, and he chooses to continue to live in that lie. who can tolerate that?
She felt she deserved someone better. She felt that she has done enough. She loves him so much, but he let her down. Now that she was giving up, her husband came back to tell her he still want the relationship. Isn't it too late? She can't turn back anymore. For the past one and the half years of his disappearance, she has almost died. She has shut herself away from everything, she has suffered enough, slogging each day to pay his debts. She has never loved someone this much before, she has never felt such deep hurt before. She was never so determined to end this marriage, until her bf made her realise what is real love. He made her realised that she has been living in a fairytale for too long, it's time to get out.
She has moved to live with her bf and his family, and are planning for marriage after her divorce. She is filing for divorce in april next year. She is happy now, so contented being with a person who is responsible and down-to-earth. He loves her more than anything, and he just simply enjoys doing everything with her. it has been about 1.5 yrs into the relationship and this means that the husband has deserted her for a whole 2 years. time really flies huh...
thinking back, was she wrong in straying? was she in the wrong that she didn't wait for her husband to come back? was she wrong that she had a bf when she had a husband? was she wrong at all?
was she wrong in pursuing love that she desired? was she wrong in making the decision to leave her husband? was she wrong not to give her husband another chance?
can anyone comment? -
drama sia.. tot these kinda things oni happens in the movies...
just like watching a movie, i'm sure everyone will be screaming "leave the bast@rd!", "dun give him anymore money!'.. the same goes here... she is not in the wrong, no one will blame her for leaving her 'husband', or rather, i think everyone wud be cheering now...
glad dat she has found her own happiness finally... -
If whatever said above is true... The greatest mistake is for her to go on a completely blind faith.... If she still continue to think of the 'possible wrongs' of her current doings... Good luck to her? Cause right or wrong, sometimes things still have to be done...Originally posted by Haze|:thinking back, was she wrong in straying? was she in the wrong that she didn't wait for her husband to come back? was she wrong that she had a bf when she had a husband? was she wrong at all?
was she wrong in pursuing love that she desired? was she wrong in making the decision to leave her husband? was she wrong not to give her husband another chance?
can anyone comment?
And my final advice for her... Though everything is really so beautiful now (congratulations..)... Future is always an unknown... Be BRAVE. Learn from her life's experience... Cherish whatever she have now... Whatever the past is... Whatever the future may hold... It's still what you make of it which really matters...
Regards. -
Dear Haze|,Originally posted by Haze|:let me tell you a story, but pls be patient with me.. it's rather long winded :
there was once a 20 yr old ger, she was young and pretty. one day, she met a man. well.. it was love at first sight... they went out together... and soon they were a couple... everything was so beautiful and fine. both did not have a job then.. the ger loves this guy so much.. so much so she was willing to give everything up for him. she moved in with the guy, deserting her family and friends. the guy was possessive, does not allow the ger to have any friends.. the ger being so naive... listened and obeyed. they stayed in rented room for the next 3 years. during those 3 yrs, sometimes there were quarrels.. sometimes the guy will hit the ger. he is very bad tempered at times... the ger has keep encouraging the guy to find a proper job, but it doesn't seem to get into the guy. he is just too lazy. he simply rather get by each day on the income from the ger's giving private tuition. the ger earns quite a bit from tuition each month, about 1200. So the days becomes years... no matter how the ger encourages, it just failed to make the guy work......
(Edited for space)
.....was she wrong in pursuing love that she desired? was she wrong in making the decision to leave her husband? was she wrong not to give her husband another chance?
can anyone comment?
Oh gosh~ if this story was you - you have my sympathy. Don't worry about being long-winded because I am equally long-winded as well. Anyway, I am going to divide my analysis according to the different segment your scenario flows. I am doing this because I hope you could see what is really happening in everything in black and white.
In the begining
You ought to realise by now that falling in love is no wrong. Even falling for the wrong person is no mistake - your complication emerge because you went with your own ways and co-habit with him AND dump everything. (I am referring to your family and friends). This is the foolish-iest thing you would do NOT because of the value you will lose, but rather by doing that - you completely lost all form of support because you should discovered by now - by love itself, it cannot survive alone without others factors in place. Yes, its true, love can survive without many factors, but it cannot survive without anything. (Not at least in our current world context)
When you have conflicts, the first person you seek comfort is your Love. However, if your love is the one you are having conflicts with - then who do you turn to? By co-habitation, you totally lose your grounds for support and by co-habitation BASED on irrational decision you will BOUND to have complication, quarrels and conflicts. We have many discussion of cohabitaion in sgforums - and my stand is: A relationship without marriage responsibilty, yet is able to revel in intimate sexual enjoyment - it does NOT benefit the relationship as a whole for long term. Ok, this would be another topic altogether though.
Your love is blind like you mentioned - your then-bf was possessive, don't bother to work for this relationship and worst - a lifeless, aimless man. In a way, he HAS to be possessive to keep you because if you have good friends and support - you will realise your foolishness and would be out of the relationship much sooner.
YOUR love isn't about true love - its because you feel that you have gone that far and its impossible to retrace your steps. Your ONLY form of dependancy and security is from him and you have no choice but to cling onto a sinking boat.
This issues you failed to see and the real reason that took place within your psyche and subconscious. You couldn't take it anymore, you attempt sucide.
In the middle
You spoke to a stranger and noticed how good your conversation flow. My guess is that your turmoils, your problems, your aches - you express them, word by word. The burden that is so heavy, gets lighter with each conversation you had with him.
Still, it doesn't break the karmic bonds you had with your now-husband. He comes back for cash, you gave him. You spoke about the deception of your husband and how he fooled the world with his words. By now, another lesson is taught to you - a relationship built on lies will be destroyed by lies. Lies is like a house made of straws - when the wind blows, the house falls easily, like your relationship.
In the End
You had a question in your mind and I would like to help you solve it - did you love your bf or was he a substitute for your husband? Ok read into my words carefully: I mentioned in above that your love between your husband wasn't love - about the clingy thingy. Therefore, since it wasn't love and under the Theory of Love, you could only have one in your heart..... your now-bf wasn't a substitute, or at least that phrase is over. Congrats - in the midst of everything, you found someone who truely appreciate you for who you are. Please note: You DIDN'T fail him because your jerk-husband brought it upon himself. And please note that your feelings for him NOW is more of a sympathy heart. He's in such a sh|t mess and really - love has long disappeared with him when time passed and your mind is cleared.
And here, I would like to say something: Please learn those lessons you have gone through in the past. I would take to put it down:
I) Realise that without support - a relationship cannot feud for themselves. AT LEAST, not applicable in your case.
II) If you don't love yourself, you attract partners that will abuse you - This is the Law of Polarity and basic theory of karmic relationship. What has happen in the past simply mould you and didn't make you any less valuable. In love, everyone is equal and similiar. Do not allow your past to be an excuse for your future-husband to abuse/bring them out in anyways. I know he wouldn't - but still I want you to learn to treasure, appreciate and love yourself because throughout the time when you were alone; if you didn't love yourself, who will? Only you are forever faithful to yourself and you know FOR SURE. Its not about being self-absorbed - its about self-love.
III) Realise this phrase: 'We always think that holding on is strong; sometimes, its about letting go.' You must learn to release your past, release your karmic connection with your now-husband and walk into your bright future. Expand good social circle and learn the importance of friendship as well as family support. Go back to your family and seek forgiveness. May not be easy, but its something you will have to do eventually.
P.S: You have my vote for better future. Really pray hope that things will be better for you. Anything, you could always post in Aunt Agony and there are scores of good souls who will get back to you. Read more, learn more, change your life.
BTW, are you a Pisces, Cancer or Scorpio?
Cheers -
wat's wif them?Originally posted by Yunhaier:BTW, are you a Pisces, Cancer or Scorpio?
Cheers -
Nothing wrong with them lerz. Just my usual, routine guess check.Originally posted by audlenelee:wat's wif them? 
Cheers -
saggitarius.. does horoscopes signify anything even?
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Nothing short of your DOB + time born + place born can signify anything. Its just my usual way of ending my post.Originally posted by Haze|:saggitarius.. does horoscopes signify anything even?
Cheers -
You're one of them?Originally posted by audlenelee:wat's wif them? -
Hehehe!Originally posted by Devil1976:You're one of them? -
the girl was wrong to have tolerated the husband for so long in the 1st place...
i hate stupid and stubborn women who refused to leave useless men who aren't even good to them... lucky she still have a little intelligence to choose the bf in the end... -
and live happily ever after okie? -
Darn, that is a real B3(Bus-3rd) for a guy. He failed to give his girl secure. How can he leave his wife just like that, and only come back for money. The lady is not in the wrong, she is looking for true love and secure in a man. She thinks that she could change a man slowly. Thats in all ladies. When the man they had desired appeared, the ladies will slowly get attracted to him. As what Xicq had said "they r no 'wrongs' when u r in love...
but they r 'wrongs' when u r not in love anymore...
Wat can i say...Love is blind." -
i don't think the girl did anything wrong... if she hadn't open up her mind she wouldn't have found her happiness...
perhaps the girl's probably thinking if she could've done something in the first place to salvage the relationship but the thing is that she did everything she could... she was the one who was always giving.... and also she couldn't have changed him anyway;it's his character!
i'd just say leave the past behind,learn from her mistakes and enjoy her new life!!