how do u noe if its love.......?
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say u've been tog with someone for more than a year... everyone says he's not suitable for u in the beginning but u just want to see if it works out... when u think about it now... burning qns come to mind:
-he's 8 yrs older
-academic qualifications vary greatly
-has a drinking habit that's hard to kick cos aLL his frens drink.
-has no savings so even if u really decide to go the distance, quality of life is an issue
-has inferiority complex and avoids monetary matters even if it reflects the truth
-bad temper
-drives u mad when he sees a guy's sms irregardless of content
even thou he's really sweet and loving at times... u start to wonder if it really is meant to be... not trying to be materialistic here but everyone wants to lead a comfortable life rite?
even if u think abt him all the time, u miss him when u dun see him... even if u think loving him so much hurts.... think again... could it be ur circle has shrunk till u only have him in ur life so that's all u have to think of? could it be that there is no one else to think about, to miss, to hurt for?
even if u haven't been the perfect girlfren... and he isnt the best bf... when do u noe that enough is enough? -
this question very easy to ans:
when u have to ask, then it definitely isn't love. -
sometimes, pple ard u are able to see more clearly than urself...
think abt wat they say, & if it holds any truth.
had a fren, 7-8 yr relationship. frenz told her to leave the guy...
(guy had a few traits u mentioned)
she didn't listen, kept trying to keep it going, but she was in a lot of pain. finalli, broke up.
i m not telling u to break up here. but u muz realli think abt it urself.
pple can onli offer opinions, though not always rite. but a relationship tat hurts or causes u to suffer is not gd. -
yepz, i think the others covered most of wat i want to say.
seriously, this really looks bleak on the long run. I'm sure deep down you also know it isnt going to work. But you're just keeping in going by sheer effort, and it's getting more and more tiring everyday. One day you won't be able to keep up anymore, and things will just collapse. Is it worthwhile to waste all your time when the ending is already blatantly obvious? -
Originally posted by labuz:
-he's 8 yrs older = [b]Does age really matter?
-academic qualifications vary greatly = Does this matter too?
-has a drinking habit that's hard to kick cos aLL his frens drink. = social drinking is quite a norm these days.
-has no savings so even if u really decide to go the distance, quality of life is an issue = How old is he? Bt anyway if you really love him, you wldnt mind living in a cardboard box.
-has inferiority complex and avoids monetary matters even if it reflects the truth = Only wen you can identify your personal weakness then you can improve. Not toking bout money mite just mean tt life isnt all about money to him...
-bad temper = can be curbd with love n tenderness
-drives u mad when he sees a guy's sms irregardless of content = if gals keep smsing him wat wld you do? love n jealousy go hand in hand..
[b] -
yea... its obvious isnt it.... heh
im not suffering yet.. not all the time... effort-wise... hmm... not a lot of effort lah... its just like after being tog for so long... there isnt much we do tog anymore except lazing ard tog... there's no energy in it... havent been in many long term r'ships cos everytime the energy runs out i move on... this is the longest i've had... i dunno if im just plain lazy or wat but we're both starting to not bother as much as b4.... a lethargic r'ship sucks...
and i dunno if the age and qualification gap counts but sometimes i just cant get thru to him... he hates it when i nag... its like a communication breakdown... only after heated arguements and fights... den i seem to make my point across... but only for that moment... when u use breakup as the 'threat' den he listens... but after we decide to go on everything reverts back to the way it was... -
Warning, this is likely to be karmic in nature. Please approach and consider whatever option relating to this issue carefully. Love has no eyes (therefore love is blind) - its effect is divided into harmonious or karmic (conflicts). Though there are some cases where neutral stand take place, but seldom because like the see-saw, it never stands in a position for long.Originally posted by labuz:say u've been tog with someone for more than a year... everyone says he's not suitable for u in the beginning but u just want to see if it works out... when u think about it now... burning qns come to mind:
-he's 8 yrs older
-academic qualifications vary greatly
-has a drinking habit that's hard to kick cos aLL his frens drink.
-has no savings so even if u really decide to go the distance, quality of life is an issue
-has inferiority complex and avoids monetary matters even if it reflects the truth
-bad temper
-drives u mad when he sees a guy's sms irregardless of content
even thou he's really sweet and loving at times... u start to wonder if it really is meant to be... not trying to be materialistic here but everyone wants to lead a comfortable life rite?
even if u think abt him all the time, u miss him when u dun see him... even if u think loving him so much hurts.... think again... could it be ur circle has shrunk till u only have him in ur life so that's all u have to think of? could it be that there is no one else to think about, to miss, to hurt for?
even if u haven't been the perfect girlfren... and he isnt the best bf... when do u noe that enough is enough?
Let me analysis each point one at the time:
I) Psychologically, its best to have a man older than a woman by 2 years. In 8 years difference, he shares different physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological needs. Love knows no chronological age - but personality difference will be an issue. (The age itself prove no problem, its the issues that the age indirectly brings)
II) Drinking habit hard to kick - no comments. Most man drinks - only a few indulge in them. These are physical flaws.
III) & (IV) No saving and avoid monetary issue - physically, its a flaw - but of course, I am always taught to look beyond things. Inferior complex is because of his lacks - yet he is not willing to do anything to improve and change. He avoids them instead. Such characteristics should truely make you re-consider. (Notice I speak about character/personality, for physical flaws can change with love - Characteristic has to be mould unconsciously. Its difficult though not impossible, but I am just giving you an analysis.) When if you are in a relationship with him....
When you have problems in your relation, chances are, he will avoid them (and probably go drinking). Equip with bad temper and possessivess - it sets your relationship on high intense mode. (He has to be possessive in a way because there is simply no way to keep his gf. Other people are much better than him - he knows it and his inferior complex sets him crazy as well).
Sweet and loving actions is definite (when a guy chase/threat break-up you, he will bound to do things to make you fall/peace) and yet you think/miss of him very often. This magnetic attraction is the hidden knife of love cosmic lesson. Its an excellent cover - because you accept this relationship you suffer, if you don't you suffer as well. And eventually, most people accept.
P.S: If you must continue, he must change and improve. No improvement, chances are, he will remain the same when you are in relationship. If love's power is at work - regardless of whether you are in a relationship with him or not, it will take effect.
Cheers -
thank yun... u shed a lot of light on things.... one qn thou... y does he have to change? he insists that i must change too... i have.... i've tolerated his bad habits... drink also go with him to make sure he doesnt overdo it... all my old friends look at me differently now... its just that i am the same to him... he thinks im a childish spoilt brat... but he doesnt see what my other frens see.... i have matured a lot over this period.... i noe when ure IN the r'ship... u dun practice wat u preach... maybe that's y he doesnt see the grown up me.... except after 'threats' haha...
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Sorry, this I don't quite agree? Love in human's context is often of struggles...Originally posted by jOhO:this question very easy to ans:
when u have to ask, then it definitely isn't love. -
either u wan the love or the bread lor... sometimes it's just too difficult to haf both...Originally posted by labuz:say u've been tog with someone for more than a year... everyone says he's not suitable for u in the beginning but u just want to see if it works out... when u think about it now... burning qns come to mind:
-he's 8 yrs older
-academic qualifications vary greatly
-has a drinking habit that's hard to kick cos aLL his frens drink.
-has no savings so even if u really decide to go the distance, quality of life is an issue
-has inferiority complex and avoids monetary matters even if it reflects the truth
-bad temper
-drives u mad when he sees a guy's sms irregardless of content
even thou he's really sweet and loving at times... u start to wonder if it really is meant to be... not trying to be materialistic here but everyone wants to lead a comfortable life rite?
even if u think abt him all the time, u miss him when u dun see him... even if u think loving him so much hurts.... think again... could it be ur circle has shrunk till u only have him in ur life so that's all u have to think of? could it be that there is no one else to think about, to miss, to hurt for?
even if u haven't been the perfect girlfren... and he isnt the best bf... when do u noe that enough is enough? -
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer.
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Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
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A little girl and a little boy playing in the garden one day. All of a sudden the little boy drags the girl into the shed and says " If you show me yours I will show you mine!!" SO the little girl takes of her little flowery dress and slides down her little knickers. At that moment the little boys mother come into the shed and discovers them. Furious at what her son is doing she sends the little girl home crying and the boy up to his room to think about what he has done. "Don't come down till you can behave" she tells him.
A few hours later the boy comes down to see his mother, who by this time has realised that she must talk to her son about what he has done. So she says "You must never ever touch girls down there again" the little boy is confused by this and asks why, so his mother says "Well they have teeth down there and they will bite you." So, terrified the boy runs up to his room to count his fingers.
Now the little boy soon becomes a big boy - goes through life getting the odd snog here and there but never anything more as he is terrified of these teeth. So it gets to his wedding night and there he is in bed with his wife, who is by now thinking she is going to get the shag of her life, but no, her husband just kisses her and turns over to go to sleep. "Is that it then?" She asks. "What about the rest of it." At this the now man says "Well I can't because I'm scared." His wife thinking this sweet says "Look you have nothing to worry about I'll show you what to do." But he is still scared, so she asks him why. Upon hearing about the teeth story his mother told him she can hardly contain herself from laughing, but to reassure her new Husband she says - "Look I will prove it to you, women do not have teeth in their fannies, here have a look" and so she parts her legs so he can see.
So he has a look, gasps and says "With Gums like that I'm not surprised." -
what happens when there's an intellectual barrier? even thou its fun being with him and fooling around... sometimes a girl needs to have a heart to heart talk with her guy... but to him... im just a nag or in a bad mood so should just leave me alone till it tides over... he isnt willing to listen at all... dunno if he'll even understand if he does listen.... problems that i foresaw in the beginning start popping out and making an impact now....
with regard to the bread and love thingie... i've seen lotsa examples... even if the girl doesnt mind bring home the bread... sooner or later this love will turn sour.... either cos the guy can't stand being inferior or the girl starts feeling she's superior... if nothing is rectified now.... things will worsen... my problem is how to rectify the situation? he doesnt like me to tell others abt our problems... (heh luckily he doesnt noe abt this cos he doesnt noe how to use computers.... ) so i cant possibly get a fren to talk to him... he'll get pissed if he hears it from an outsider! he wont listen to me when i try to talk about it.... this kinda barrier is really frustrating!!! someone pls tell me wat to doooo -
You don't change - you improve from where you both began and continue to do so everyday. Because there is already a frequency difference in terms of mental attitude and emotional channels - if he don't attempt to narrow the gap, you will eventually leave him for another person because simply, you can't communicate with this guy.Originally posted by labuz:thank yun... u shed a lot of light on things.... one qn thou... y does he have to change? he insists that i must change too... i have.... i've tolerated his bad habits... drink also go with him to make sure he doesnt overdo it... all my old friends look at me differently now... its just that i am the same to him... he thinks im a childish spoilt brat... but he doesnt see what my other frens see.... i have matured a lot over this period.... i noe when ure IN the r'ship... u dun practice wat u preach... maybe that's y he doesnt see the grown up me.... except after 'threats' haha... Your maturity is due to your harden, trained emotions from challenging issues that springs from your relationship. You get stronger and more resistance emotionally.
P.S: Being in a relationship doesn't mean he passed the test. In fact, he has more to prove to ensure his status as your boyfriend and if he has nothing to prove, he had better find something to because gradually you will be sick of this attitude. By then, no amount of honey words can make you go back.
Cheers -
What you are getting is a good company, not a good lover. Fooling around, fun with him are a kind of company that many could give - there isn't many people out there where you could pour your inner thoughts to regardless of whether the person is your bf or not.Originally posted by labuz:what happens when there's an intellectual barrier? even thou its fun being with him and fooling around... sometimes a girl needs to have a heart to heart talk with her guy... but to him... im just a nag or in a bad mood so should just leave me alone till it tides over... he isnt willing to listen at all... dunno if he'll even understand if he does listen.... problems that i foresaw in the beginning start popping out and making an impact now....
with regard to the bread and love thingie... i've seen lotsa examples... even if the girl doesnt mind bring home the bread... sooner or later this love will turn sour.... either cos the guy can't stand being inferior or the girl starts feeling she's superior... if nothing is rectified now.... things will worsen... my problem is how to rectify the situation? he doesnt like me to tell others abt our problems... (heh luckily he doesnt noe abt this cos he doesnt noe how to use computers.... ) so i cant possibly get a fren to talk to him... he'll get pissed if he hears it from an outsider! he wont listen to me when i try to talk about it.... this kinda barrier is really frustrating!!! someone pls tell me wat to doooo
This is something you ought to look for instead of relying on dependancy and company motives. You know why he doesn't like you to tell others about his situations? Let me it break down simple for you to see:
No cash and avoids monetary matters. (Avoidance characteristic). Therefore, problems in relationship - automatic thoughts and behavior - avoids them. Avoids talking, avoids sharing. Fueled by poking of man's ego by having of a problematic relationship (because of his personality). Fueled by his lack (inferior complex) - therefore prevent you from sharing issues in relation with others, because there are people like yunhaier who will bound to analysis a whole damn chunk and allow you to see a clearer picture. Having a clearer picture will indirectly question the relativity and objective/motive of relationship and would affect/influence you to leave him because the grass is greener on the other side or you finally realise that this chapter has to close because it is meaningless to carry on something that has bleak future.
He fear because (mentioned twice) he has nothing to offer except possessiveness and attempting to restrict you in anyway he can to prevent you from leaving. (Mental & emotional cage/physical attempt)
Advice?
He can't and wouldn't change if he won't acknowledge:
I) There is major problems in the relationship
II) There is major problems in his life.
Until he leaves his fantasy world, come back to reality and realise that avoidance is NOT a way to solve things - could he be ready to do anything to alter his current fate.
You need to seriously have a good talk - My suggestion would be to implement 'drop that pride and the man's ego talk'. Don't tell him to listen purely by saying (it has little effect by the way), show signs that he is losing you and subconsciously implement that talk when he become desperate because ONLY if he is desperate, would he be in the top state for listening. In this talk, he has to drop that ego of his, recognise the problems in his life/relationship and allow you to SHOW him all his flaws and lifeless part. Then request him to show you evidence to change them or byebye.
P.S: This method employs 'Bu jian guang cai, bu liu lei' effect. (You won't cry until you see the coffin). Psychologically, you have a higher edge over him (shouldn't be telling you all this anyway), but if put to good use, it can bring about positive effect.
Cheers