he doesn't have the right.
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put urselves in my shoes..
i've been living in guilt, in self-reprimand for the past few months. tinking that i was wrong for the things i've done, resulting in losing him.
but we actually made up one day.. i was so happy.. i couldn't believe that i could ever have him back in my arms.. EVER.. but just a few hours later... he told me that he actually like another gal... even before he got attached with me 1.5 years ago.. until now, he still hasn't been able to forget about her.. he said he's tried.. he has tried to forget her, but he just simply can't get her off his mind..
now how would u feel, when the person u love, tells u this? how would u feel when u found out that though u had him/her in ur arms, u had him/her by ur side, but u weren't actually the one in his heart/mind..?
and all these while, when u were feeling repentful, and hoping for forgiveness.. u suddenly feel that u've been accused for something that he/she did as well...
i couldn't forget about my ex when i just started the r/s.. he was angry.. but eventually i did, coz i made an effort to.. but he actually couldn't forget about this gal whom he hasn't been attached to at all.. and even kept me in the dark all these while..
i feel that i've been maligned for wat he's done wrong.
i feel that i'm carrying his blames for him.
he doesn't have the right to be mad at me, does he?
he doesn't have the right to ignore me for the last few months becoz i let him down, does he?
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wad are the things you have done which let him down, that resulted in the breakup?
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whats his intention of being back together with u then telling u that he has another gal in his heart? no way man....i feel really sorry for u....but i think u should leave him. such a person like him doesnt deserve ur love for him...
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i had a sparetyre..Originally posted by Coco_Coco:wad are the things you have done which let him down, that resulted in the breakup?
we broke up earlier this year, tt's when i got close to a guy fren of mine.. so we kinda had something going on, but i didn't wan to start a r/s with him, coz i still can't forget the other...
one day, we made up, and he got me to tell my fren that we've patched, so forget the idea of being with me.. which i did.. but we still keep in contact, until one day, he told me to leave my bf and be with him.. i was confused.. i love my bf, but it was shaky.. but am i willing to leave him for a more stable r/s?
in the end, of course i did not.. i stuck to him...
but things were still shaky... but i was contemplating whether i shld end it, coz i wasn't happy... and he found out that i was actually considering my fren... so he flared up.. said i nv told my fren that we've patched.. saying that i've been lying to him... -
ermmm 1stly, saying ur fren as 'spare tyre' is not exactly a nice thing to do esp when the 2 of you are close...Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:i had a sparetyre..
we broke up earlier this year, tt's when i got close to a guy fren of mine.. so we kinda had something going on, but i didn't wan to start a r/s with him, coz i still can't forget the other...
one day, we made up, and he got me to tell my fren that we've patched, so forget the idea of being with me.. which i did.. but we still keep in contact, until one day, he told me to leave my bf and be with him.. i was confused.. i love my bf, but it was shaky.. but am i willing to leave him for a more stable r/s?
in the end, of course i did not.. i stuck to him...
but things were still shaky... but i was contemplating whether i shld end it, coz i wasn't happy... and he found out that i was actually considering my fren... so he flared up.. said i nv told my fren that we've patched.. saying that i've been lying to him...
anyway it seems that you got close to him AFTER the breakup which means that you didn't betray your bf. it seems that ur bf is just being possessive and MCP and perhaps threatened by the presence of another guy. he couldn't bear the thought of sharing you with another guy and the fact that you can move on without him. hmmm from this point of view he's just being a selfish jerk. he just wants to show his might to the other guy.
if he truly loves you, he wun tell u to tell ur fren to 'forget the idea about being with you'. it just goes about showing his insecurity and how unstable the r/p is. if he truly cares for you, he wun want to hurt you and would want you to be happy in wadever decisions you made. so instead, he should have let you decide for yourself rather than pressuring you to break it clean with the other guy.
but he didn't.
and it seems that he's in the wrong in the 1st place. since he cant forget the girl, then why did he start a r/p with you in the 1st place? if he cannot commit, then he has no right to demand for ur commitment too.
whether u shd stay or move on depends on some factors. for eg, which one treats you better? this is impt as you would want a bf who loves you and wanna cares for you isn't it? this can be shown in little gestures and actions. for eg, remembering ur fave stuff, the way u eat ur burger, or little habits like fingering ur ear/hair when u urself dun even notice it. such little details are stuff that display his love and attentiveness toward you.
i would personally advice you to go for the more stable r/p. if ur bf can hurt u once, he can hurt u twice and more. besides he's sharing his heart b/w u and another gal. it's deeply unfair to you. as his gf, you have the right to demand all his romantic love, which is exactly the thing he is doing to you - demanding all ur heart and love and severing ties with the other guy.
commitment works both ways, isnt it?
being in a shaky r/p will do more harm than good gradually unless both are willing to work to build it together with commitment, not just one-sided thingy.
last but not least, since you are considering the other guy, it shows that you have deviated from the r/p too. it's quite obvious that the r/p is really shaky.... besides if he can't forget the gal even after so long, it seems that he wun be doing it for quite a long time after.
is the r/p really worth saving then? wad is the true meaning of a r/p?
think about it... -
ermmm 1stly, saying ur fren as 'spare tyre' is not exactly a nice thing to do esp when the 2 of you are close...Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:i had a sparetyre..
we broke up earlier this year, tt's when i got close to a guy fren of mine.. so we kinda had something going on, but i didn't wan to start a r/s with him, coz i still can't forget the other...
one day, we made up, and he got me to tell my fren that we've patched, so forget the idea of being with me.. which i did.. but we still keep in contact, until one day, he told me to leave my bf and be with him.. i was confused.. i love my bf, but it was shaky.. but am i willing to leave him for a more stable r/s?
in the end, of course i did not.. i stuck to him...
but things were still shaky... but i was contemplating whether i shld end it, coz i wasn't happy... and he found out that i was actually considering my fren... so he flared up.. said i nv told my fren that we've patched.. saying that i've been lying to him...
anyway it seems that you got close to him AFTER the breakup which means that you didn't betray your bf. it seems that ur bf is just being possessive and MCP and perhaps threatened by the presence of another guy. he couldn't bear the thought of sharing you with another guy and the fact that you can move on without him. hmmm from this point of view he's just being a selfish jerk. he just wants to show his might to the other guy.
if he truly loves you, he wun tell u to tell ur fren to 'forget the idea about being with you'. it just goes about showing his insecurity and how unstable the r/p is. if he truly cares for you, he wun want to hurt you and would want you to be happy in wadever decisions you made. so instead, he should have let you decide for yourself rather than pressuring you to break it clean with the other guy.
but he didn't.
and it seems that he's in the wrong in the 1st place. since he cant forget the girl, then why did he start a r/p with you in the 1st place? if he cannot commit, then he has no right to demand for ur commitment too.
whether u shd stay or move on depends on some factors. for eg, which one treats you better? this is impt as you would want a bf who loves you and wanna cares for you isn't it? this can be shown in little gestures and actions. for eg, remembering ur fave stuff, the way u eat ur burger, or little habits like fingering ur ear/hair when u urself dun even notice it. such little details are stuff that display his love and attentiveness toward you.
i would personally advice you to go for the more stable r/p. if ur bf can hurt u once, he can hurt u twice and more. besides he's sharing his heart b/w u and another gal. it's deeply unfair to you. as his gf, you have the right to demand all his romantic love, which is exactly the thing he is doing to you - demanding all ur heart and love and severing ties with the other guy.
commitment works both ways, isnt it?
being in a shaky r/p will do more harm than good gradually unless both are willing to work to build it together with commitment, not just one-sided thingy.
last but not least, since you are considering the other guy, it shows that you have deviated from the r/p too. it's quite obvious that the r/p is really shaky.... besides if he can't forget the gal even after so long, it seems that he wun be doing it for quite a long time after. is the r/p really worth saving then? wad is the true meaning of a r/p?
think about it... -
another point to ponder on is his reason(s) for patching up with you.... ever asked him why the decision?
of cos the normally the reasons would be like 'i still like you' and/or 'i miss you',,,,
but u need to consider carefully the validity of his words and whether it has any lasting effect or just a temporary scenerio... -
Point 1Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:put urselves in my shoes..
i've been living in guilt, in self-reprimand for the past few months. tinking that i was wrong for the things i've done, resulting in losing him.
but we actually made up one day.. i was so happy.. i couldn't believe that i could ever have him back in my arms.. EVER.. but just a few hours later... he told me that he actually like another gal... even before he got attached with me 1.5 years ago.. until now, he still hasn't been able to forget about her.. he said he's tried.. he has tried to forget her, but he just simply can't get her off his mind..
now how would u feel, when the person u love, tells u this? how would u feel when u found out that though u had him/her in ur arms, u had him/her by ur side, but u weren't actually the one in his heart/mind..?
and all these while, when u were feeling repentful, and hoping for forgiveness.. u suddenly feel that u've been accused for something that he/she did as well...
i couldn't forget about my ex when i just started the r/s.. he was angry.. but eventually i did, coz i made an effort to.. but he actually couldn't forget about this gal whom he hasn't been attached to at all.. and even kept me in the dark all these while..
i feel that i've been maligned for wat he's done wrong.
i feel that i'm carrying his blames for him.
he doesn't have the right to be mad at me, does he?
he doesn't have the right to ignore me for the last few months becoz i let him down, does he?
In the first place when why the hell did he patch with you then? Its obvious he wanted to show you this stand first (that is he cannot forget his kinda most-loved girl) and when he wants to leave this relationship, he could easily make sure of such excuses to break up the relationship.
Oh hell yeah, how many similiar cases have I encountered before? *Recalls*
If you can't forget, you can only be a substitude. So think, are you merely a substitution?
***
Point 2
You have your own faults during the last break-up of the relationship, that's to consider another party in midst of a relationship. However, I shall say, its natural and all part of the cycle - you tried to move on with your life and found another guy whom you feel comfortable with. Your ex returns and you quickly go back to your security to forgo new possible happiness. Of course your feelings retains.
***
Point 1 & 2 are two separate issues. Therefore, whether he has right no right, whose right or not right cannot be determined by adding these two scenario together and poof - the result. Anyway, seriously speaking, does it matters?
You both got patched back one fine day? And I presumed it happened in a breeze? Hate to say this out, but a patch needs to take farking MUCH MORE (sorry for the language, but I need to show the emphasis) consideration then the first-chase.
Issues to think about:
I) So what's your point of patching? Have you both solve the problems that existed in the past? Please note problems don't disappear from break-patch method. In fact, it accumulates.
II) So what's his point of patching - If he still loves the other woman? You both need to talk about the reason why before getting together. Don't be so happy when patch occurs - you want it to be an effective patch, you have to ensure all the fixed and variables points are altered, improved, discussed and changed.
Cheers -
Maybe the past few months of ignoring you wasn't really all about being angry with you? Maybe it's also a time for him to settle down his thoughts and this final decision he has revealed to you?Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:put urselves in my shoes..
i've been living in guilt, in self-reprimand for the past few months. tinking that i was wrong for the things i've done, resulting in losing him.
but we actually made up one day.. i was so happy.. i couldn't believe that i could ever have him back in my arms.. EVER.. but just a few hours later... he told me that he actually like another gal... even before he got attached with me 1.5 years ago.. until now, he still hasn't been able to forget about her.. he said he's tried.. he has tried to forget her, but he just simply can't get her off his mind..
now how would u feel, when the person u love, tells u this? how would u feel when u found out that though u had him/her in ur arms, u had him/her by ur side, but u weren't actually the one in his heart/mind..?
and all these while, when u were feeling repentful, and hoping for forgiveness.. u suddenly feel that u've been accused for something that he/she did as well...
i couldn't forget about my ex when i just started the r/s.. he was angry.. but eventually i did, coz i made an effort to.. but he actually couldn't forget about this gal whom he hasn't been attached to at all.. and even kept me in the dark all these while..
i feel that i've been maligned for wat he's done wrong.
i feel that i'm carrying his blames for him.
he doesn't have the right to be mad at me, does he?
he doesn't have the right to ignore me for the last few months becoz i let him down, does he?
Like he had said... At least he had tried? I sense a TENSION point and 'struggle' within himself around the period where he alleged you of having an extra relationship.. I FEEL... The 'angry' was not purely of the things you were doing then but more like because of the 'burden' you're adding to his 'struggle'.... I'm not saying he's right on this part though...? I SENSE... It could have been quite a difficult struggle for him... There is an equal chance that like the others had said, he's just a selfish man... But if his decision was all too soon to be with the other girl, then perhaps his love ain't much too deep for you or he's just a man deprived of feelings...
Despite how much you would really wants him to be with you... Or maybe even very much the same... He wishes to be with you.... Do you think he would feel any better if he's just thinking about the other girl while he's holding you? Would you feel any better (up to this point) if this scenerio is to be continued...?
"A broken string for kite, distal it shall be... No matter how you view of it... Pulling the string, you shall realise.... You're no longer in control of it..." -
i did ask him this... he just said he didn't noe...Originally posted by Coco_Coco:another point to ponder on is his reason(s) for patching up with you.... ever asked him why the decision?
of cos the normally the reasons would be like 'i still like you' and/or 'i miss you',,,,
but u need to consider carefully the validity of his words and whether it has any lasting effect or just a temporary scenerio... -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
one thing i like to add on this... yar.. we patched.. but i'd rather take it as though we have not... just a few hours after we've made up, he tells me about this woman.. and he tells me that he is unable to forget her.. and that he doesn't wan to love 2 at the same time again. obviously he loves her more than he loves me.. so i got the hint.. we aren't together anymore...
You both got patched back one fine day? And I presumed it happened in a breeze? Hate to say this out, but a patch needs to take [b]farking MUCH MORE (sorry for the language, but I need to show the emphasis) consideration then the first-chase.
Issues to think about:
I) So what's your point of patching? Have you both solve the problems that existed in the past? Please note problems don't disappear from break-patch method. In fact, it accumulates.
II) So what's his point of patching - If he still loves the other woman? You both need to talk about the reason why before getting together. Don't be so happy when patch occurs - you want it to be an effective patch, you have to ensure all the fixed and variables points are altered, improved, discussed and changed.
Cheers[/b]
i told him to treat wadever happened on the day we made up as though it never happened before..
i also couldn't believe I said that... there i was hoping, wishing and dreaming of a patch... and there i am, letting him go... so generously for him to carry on liking the other.... -
perhaps its a revenge on his side after knowing you've had a "spare tyre"? but this is kind of childish.
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geez.. ur story is so similar to my fren's! makes mi wonder if u are the one my fren (the so called spare tyre) is tokin abt.. are u wendy??? actually at this point... i only pity the the spare tire tat was with u all the while, helpin u forget ur BF...
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i've made things very clear with my fren(sparetyre).. he knew such thing would happen... yar.. i feel bad for doing this to him...Originally posted by KiMMi:geez.. ur story is so similar to my fren's! makes mi wonder if u are the one my fren (the so called spare tyre) is tokin abt.. actually at this point... i only pity the the spare tire tat was with u all the while, helpin u forget ur BF...
but i believed i had to come up with a decision... is either i give up on my fren or my then-bf... it'll be unfair to both of them if i hadn't made up my mind... obviously i have... i decided to stay with my then-bf.. but in the end... i still lose him.. becoz i dragged this whole situation too long... but the prob isn't about me now... it's about me being lied to all these while... about being angered at for things that he's been doing to me too... -
I have so many things to comment regarding yr case... but I have no right to do so (I oso dun feel like doin so...)Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:put urselves in my shoes..
i've been living in guilt, in self-reprimand for the past few months. tinking that i was wrong for the things i've done, resulting in losing him.
but we actually made up one day.. i was so happy.. i couldn't believe that i could ever have him back in my arms.. EVER.. but just a few hours later... he told me that he actually like another gal... even before he got attached with me 1.5 years ago.. until now, he still hasn't been able to forget about her.. he said he's tried.. he has tried to forget her, but he just simply can't get her off his mind..
now how would u feel, when the person u love, tells u this? how would u feel when u found out that though u had him/her in ur arms, u had him/her by ur side, but u weren't actually the one in his heart/mind..?
and all these while, when u were feeling repentful, and hoping for forgiveness.. u suddenly feel that u've been accused for something that he/she did as well...
i couldn't forget about my ex when i just started the r/s.. he was angry.. but eventually i did, coz i made an effort to.. but he actually couldn't forget about this gal whom he hasn't been attached to at all.. and even kept me in the dark all these while..
i feel that i've been maligned for wat he's done wrong.
i feel that i'm carrying his blames for him.
he doesn't have the right to be mad at me, does he?
he doesn't have the right to ignore me for the last few months becoz i let him down, does he? 
The key focus here is NOT blaming whos fault is it, but HOW r U 2 gonna solve it. Both of U made mistakes & its natural. Its how U r able to accept it & handle it is da more impt part, unless U wanna keep sulking in despair...
So U 2 r NOT together now izzit? So case closed & carry on wif yr life. There r BETTA things to do & to experience than dis. Get a grip & live happily.
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Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:
You see, he doesn't even know why he have to patch with you. And my gut feeling simply tells me it is because of the 'feel' (feel like and probably should do it). Who on Earth will behave that way if he truely felt the need to return to woman he loved?
one thing i like to add on this... yar.. we patched.. but i'd rather take it as though we have not... just a few hours after we've made up, he tells me about this woman.. and he tells me that he is unable to forget her.. and that he doesn't wan to love 2 at the same time again. obviously he loves her more than he loves me.. so i got the hint.. we aren't together anymore...
i told him to treat wadever happened on the day we made up as though it never happened before..
i also couldn't believe [b]I said that... there i was hoping, wishing and dreaming of a patch... and there i am, letting him go... so generously for him to carry on liking the other....[/b] Has the meaning of coming back together become worthless and meaningless? (Yes, in fact, among the cases I knew, they generally share similiar fate)
P.S: In fact, he loved her way before your relationship with him started. Thinking about it: where you do actually stand in his heart in the first place?
Cheers -
hmmm... this doesn;t sound good. how can he dunno? since he's the one who made the decision, he should know. u dun do things for no reasons one lohz...Originally posted by damsel_in_distress:i did ask him this... he just said he didn't noe...