Helpless
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I know this girl by the name of Lynn when I had my first meeting in this new company. She is one of the business associates that we have dealings with. I was mesmerized by looks and good character but I have never thought that I will ever have the opportunity to have her as a girlfriend, if not friend. One thing for sure, I would think that I am rather average looking and did not really impressed her that much.
Months passed, and chances came by whereby I managed to get her cell phone number through business dealings. Initially, we sms and emailed each other about work and slowly progress towards more personal stuff.
Eventually, we had our first date. It was really smooth sailing and the more I know her, the more I fell for her. She would tell me how hurt she was due to her previous relationship. We would sms each other almost every night and chat once in a while on the phone. Though I was the one who initiated most of the dates and smses, I was already contented that she would go out with me. We went out together to do shopping, movies, dinner, etc.
Then came a day, whereby I need to travel aboard for a business trip for about a week. I try smsing her when I was abroad but she did not reply at all. When I call her, she said that she is moody because her ex came back to contact her. I was really devastated then, my whole world seemed to explode.
When I came back, she no longer email me and seldom sms me. She seems to drift away from me further and further but I have no idea why. Though I still ask her out, it seems that she always placed top priority for her friends' appointments compared to mine. There was this outing whereby she told me that her ex kept smsing her, wanting to patch back but her heart has already die. There are times when I felt like giving up thinking that she does not have any interest in taking this relationship further but its always these subtle hints that kept me going strong.
It has been 3 months since our first date, and now I was really tired, mixed, and vexed.. not knowing what to do next. Everything seemed so uncertain. I once told her that I really miss her and wanted to see her more often and she told me that she belongs to the slow type??? One thing for sure is that she definitely knows that I am going after her but what is she thinking of???
What should I do now? Should I carry on or simply give up on her? I am quite certain that if I asked her for her opinion on this issue, she is likely to say that "We need more time to know each other better before going further."
Any kind souls out there to help this lost soul?
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same thing i said in the shoutbox...
she needs her time.. especially when she is not totally over yet, in the process of healing and he ex reappears...
she may feel like it's over, but her heart still has him there... at least part of him in there.. she's dealing with it.. her way.. you, are just part of the problem now... confusing her even further... she feels for you, and him.. trying to walk away from him... does not mean walking towards you...
let her walk towards you because she wants to...
but now, be her friend.. she needs support more than anything..
any move towards becoming a couple would just add to the pressure and confusion she probably feels...
so, that's why i said, it is time to stop thinking about yourself.. she needs your friendship and support now, not more pressure...
be her friend..
to carry on or give up, only you can make that decision.. no one else can even claim that right to make that decision for you.. -
I noe Bear.. but she has broken up with him for a year already.. Shouldn't feelings die after a year?
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may happen for you.. may not happen for her..
some people go through a lifetime getting over their lost love...
ask yourself.. is she worth the wait?Originally posted by B_ored:I noe Bear.. but she has broken up with him for a year already.. Shouldn't feelings die after a year? -
let her sort her feelings out first... patience...
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Yes, she's worth it.. giving myself a year or so.... ; )Originally posted by the Bear:may happen for you.. may not happen for her..
some people go through a lifetime getting over their lost love...
ask yourself.. is she worth the wait? -
Avoidance is a bad sign. Shows lack of interest in you.
Don't put too much faith in subtle hints. Everyone's a natural flirt; you could be jumping into conclusions and giving yourself false hope.
You HAVE to ask her if she likes you at all, or if she is willing to give you a chance. Don't assume or try to read her mind. At the moment you're just shooting and waiting blindly.Originally posted by B_ored:....but its always these subtle hints that kept me going strong.
One thing for sure is that she definitely knows that I am going after her but what is she thinking of???
What should I do now? Should I carry on or simply give up on her? I am quite certain that if I asked her for her opinion on this issue, she is likely to say that "We need more time to know each other better before going further." -
I've asked her a few days back.. She said that she will not go out with a guy for so many dates if she dun like him or do not have any slight feeling for him.. and also she needs time. She also opined that we will need more time to know each other...Originally posted by choco B:Avoidance is a bad sign. Shows lack of interest in you.
Don't put too much faith in subtle hints. Everyone's a natural flirt; you could be jumping into conclusions and giving yourself false hope.
You HAVE to ask her if she likes you at all, or if she is willing to give you a chance. Don't assume or try to read her mind. At the moment you're just shooting and waiting blindly.
But based on what she said, shouldn't she at least take some initiative and spend more time with me to know me better? Rather than spending more time with her frends? -
How do you quantify "more time"? By the number of hours per person? Number of dates a month? Number of hours spent on phone?
Technically if she has many friends (while you are just one person) she will then spend more time with them.
I think the focus here should be on priority - you think you're not a priority to her. But maybe to her, she has shown you enough attention.
Whatever the case is, if you're not happy about how much time she spends with you, or any other issue, then tell her. Why make yourself miserable by guessing and double-guessing her intention?Originally posted by B_ored:I've asked her a few days back.. She said that she will not go out with a guy for so many dates if she dun like him or do not have any slight feeling for him.. and also she needs time. She also opined that we will need more time to know each other...
But based on what she said, shouldn't she at least take some initiative and spend more time with me to know me better? Rather than spending more time with her frends? -
INSTINCTIVELY.
She'd already mentioned of how she's disappointed in relationships because of past hurt. Her willingness to spend time with you shows a considerable amount of interest or at least not a detest, little things she've said and added further strengthen that belief.
Things took a turn when her ex comes back to haunt her. You were overseas and not around. Vulnerable point for your relationship (not referring to BGR) with her.
Her sudden interest with friends rather than you somehow suggest an indirect REGRESSION. It's sort of like a mild withdrawal symptom.
The Bear has spoken quite a good suggestion. Try to take things slow. You'll have to understand that the problem doesn't just lies with her accepting you or not. It also sees the need for her to overcome her own psychological barrier.
It probably won't an easy thing. Because you'll have to 1st help her get out of it before you can even talk about your relationship with her. And there's a likely chance that she could be quite vulnerable even thereafter.
Regards. -
But does she even know that she is indirectly hurting me so badly? I dun even know what to do now... Taking things slowly.. She is not even available to spend Xmas with me...sob.Originally posted by Devil1976:INSTINCTIVELY.
She'd already mentioned of how she's disappointed in relationships because of past hurt. Her willingness to spend time with you shows a considerable amount of interest or at least not a detest, little things she've said and added further strengthen that belief.
Things took a turn when her ex comes back to haunt her. You were overseas and not around. Vulnerable point for your relationship (not referring to BGR) with her.
Her sudden interest with friends rather than you somehow suggest an indirect REGRESSION. It's sort of like a mild withdrawal symptom.
The Bear has spoken quite a good suggestion. Try to take things slow. You'll have to understand that the problem doesn't just lies with her accepting you or not. It also sees the need for her to overcome her own psychological barrier.
It probably won't an easy thing. Because you'll have to 1st help her get out of it before you can even talk about your relationship with her. And there's a likely chance that she could be quite vulnerable even thereafter.
Regards. -
anyone else can help me on this? please...Originally posted by B_ored:But does she even know that she is indirectly hurting me so badly? I dun even know what to do now... Taking things slowly.. She is not even available to spend Xmas with me...sob. -
All I can tell you is that she's possibly in regression. She'll probably need you to walk her out of it (if you intend to start a chance into a relationship with her). And the story probably won't end from there. Can expect more hardship for the relationship and problems from her.Originally posted by B_ored:But does she even know that she is indirectly hurting me so badly? I dun even know what to do now... Taking things slowly.. She is not even available to spend Xmas with me...sob.
If you're feeling hurt and weak, I'll advise you to step out of this one. This probably won't kill her. She'll just cling onto friends and probably won't be touching on a BGR relationship for a while.
Not a simple task. If you think you ain't strong enough for it, no point hurting both parties? -
you gotta just bear with it, or let go..
the choice is yours..Originally posted by B_ored:anyone else can help me on this? please... -
Dear B_ored,Originally posted by B_ored:I know this girl by the name of Lynn when I had my first meeting in this new company. She is one of the business associates that we have dealings with. I was mesmerized by looks and good character but I have never thought that I will ever have the opportunity to have her as a girlfriend, if not friend. One thing for sure, I would think that I am rather average looking and did not really impressed her that much.
Months passed, and chances came by whereby I managed to get her cell phone number through business dealings. Initially, we sms and emailed each other about work and slowly progress towards more personal stuff.
Eventually, we had our first date. It was really smooth sailing and the more I know her, the more I fell for her. She would tell me how hurt she was due to her previous relationship. We would sms each other almost every night and chat once in a while on the phone. Though I was the one who initiated most of the dates and smses, I was already contented that she would go out with me. We went out together to do shopping, movies, dinner, etc.
Then came a day, whereby I need to travel aboard for a business trip for about a week. I try smsing her when I was abroad but she did not reply at all. When I call her, she said that she is moody because her ex came back to contact her. I was really devastated then, my whole world seemed to explode.
When I came back, she no longer email me and seldom sms me. She seems to drift away from me further and further but I have no idea why. Though I still ask her out, it seems that she always placed top priority for her friends' appointments compared to mine. There was this outing whereby she told me that her ex kept smsing her, wanting to patch back but her heart has already die. There are times when I felt like giving up thinking that she does not have any interest in taking this relationship further but its always these subtle hints that kept me going strong.
It has been 3 months since our first date, and now I was really tired, mixed, and vexed.. not knowing what to do next. Everything seemed so uncertain. I once told her that I really miss her and wanted to see her more often and she told me that she belongs to the slow type??? One thing for sure is that she definitely knows that I am going after her but what is she thinking of???
What should I do now? Should I carry on or simply give up on her? I am quite certain that if I asked her for her opinion on this issue, she is likely to say that "We need more time to know each other better before going further."
Any kind souls out there to help this lost soul?
Firstly, its not very nice to post her name in a public forum you know? Although nobody would know its her, but if she were to visit this site regularly or something - I bet you - you are forever condemn in her eyes.
Ok, lets begin the analysis.
Your status and position with her is a friendship. You had already mentioned yourself - you couldn't imagine being her friend, furthermore a girlfriend, so please understand that whatever time spent you had enjoy with her is purely a BONUS. On her side, she truely has her right to reject/accept advances.
Under art of seduction - if I were you, I wouldn't give up at all. I don't see this as a rejection - I see this as a essential phrase that will take place. Top ten mistake that man always make - to presume success whenever things are going smoothly in matters of the heart. If there are two things in life that are definitely not absolute, it has to be love and life. Come on man, if she doesn't go through this now - you mean when she is with her next bf (assuming that you are her next bf), you want that to happen during that time? Hell no?
Advice?
'She says she is the slow type' - (Especially if she is Virgo, Capricorn or Taurus) - never force haste onto the chase. Take gradual, steady advances. YOU CAN SUGGEST A MEETING, but never pressure her like making statement that you would like to meet more often. Seriously, that is so anti-seductive. To respect her choices without making claims, yet feeling for her at the same time is godly.
You want to impress her - you got to let her feel that she would be able find comfort in you.
When she finds your company not only enjoyable, but also comfortable, she would be able to be herself. The next thing you have to do is just to upkeep them.
P.S: Obviously she is putting you behind because of her current love issues she has to handle by herself. The more haste and pressure you apply, the more you lose your chance of winning this.
Cheers -
it seems to me that u are always thinking abt yourself... spare some thots for her
complaining that she dont give u enuff time from your own point of view, not spending christmas with u. in the first place, who are u to her that she need to fulfill what u expect from her?
her life dont revolve around u only
and even if she wants to give u a chance doesnt mean that she has to spend all her time with u or meet your expectation of amout of time spend with u
she will prioritize her own events and distribute the time accordingly
if u add more pressure to her at this point of time, u will fail definitely... listen to the rest be patient, go slow, treat her as a friend...
since u know that it is impossible for u 2 to go further at this moment, then let this thot go for the moment and support her from a friend's position only when she gotten over her past then u think abt it... -
Seems like you don't know your ground well. Hence you're in her game.
Or she might have realised that life isn't all about BGR. It's about spending your life with friends and people who's worthwhile. (I would lean onto this conclusion
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Many good advice given here.
Mine will be: Set your rules and play your game. She's not likely to fall for a guy whos falling helplessly falling in love with her.
Refer to Yun's advice: Suggest meetings and don't ever ever give pressures. No one would feel genuinely comfortable if he/she is pressured to oblige in certain favours.
Key to note: Advance very slowly - you got to build that comfort level which the both of you started at first. And please, don't tell her that you are falling for her(Throw that idea away first, till she reacts).
She's not interested in BGR.....she wants someone whom she can be comfortable with.
Be that somebody whom she finds you worthwhile...you'll earn a wonderful non commited relationship.
All the best.