need advice
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the situation is like this. this guy confessed to a gal that he liked her. the gal didn't say anything at first but said she needed time. the second time the guy asked, the gal rejected him saying that she don't want to hurt the guy and that she's not ready for a relationship. she said she still treats him as a friend.
shortly after rejecting the guy, the gal came depressed and avoid everything that has to do with the guy. for example, if she knows he guy like certain things, she would avoid those even though she used to like them as well. it's as if she's trying to shut off the guy from her mind. she told her other friends that she's feeling confused about what she wants and herself, but wouldn't tell them exact what the problem.
what should the guy do? he cares for her and really don't want to see her depressed. the guy haven't given up on the gal, he knows that she isn't really for a relationship, he's ok with being just her friend knowing that she might never accept him, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him. he's feeling frustrated and hurt at being ignored by her. he really can't understand why she is treating him that way. -
That is why the guy should not have confessed or else this s-h-i-t will happen. That is the golden rule now, YOU NEVER EVER tell a girl you like her. At most you let your actions show it, because girls can never just isolate you based on your actions (unless your actions are really stupid ofcourse), they only isolate you based on what you said, since there is so much skepticalness about actions. Actions like smiling... pupils dilating and s-h-it like that.
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At least not to local girls.
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my advice is:
leave her alone, let her make her own decision
if u really fond of her u will wait for her no matter wad
(u should not tell her that u fond of her at 1st shd let yr actions touch her heart)
let her feel it .... Gals are super sensitive creature to this kind of thingy if u are really sincer and true she will be able to feel it for sure
but now just let ur sincerity shd do the work
IF You ReA||Y lUv h|m
Let h|m Go
If He cOmeS BaCk To U
U w|n His HeaRt
If NoT .....
LeT It Be!!! -
how did the guy happen to noe what is going on with the gal(trying to avoid the things)?? y dun every1 keep the situation as it is, let the gal figure out what she wants 1st. she cannot accept someone now due to her own reasons and so, it is best for her to find out herself. ppl can only advise and should not try to help her find that, if not it becomes conformity and lose her sense of identity. the guy shouldn't feel frustrated n hurt, yes i can understand the guy will definitely feel this way, but think of it in another way, the rejection is because of the gal's personal reasons not the guy's tiao jian not good enff. but then again, the gal might be dun wanna lose the friendship with the guy and so chose this path and answer, which is selfish on her part. if she really treat the guy as the friend, let him go which is perhaps the best for him. reject him flatly and dun drag by giving such rejection answers. unless u r testing the guy, but then again.......after saying all these........MIND GAMES.....Originally posted by reika:the situation is like this. this guy confessed to a gal that he liked her. the gal didn't say anything at first but said she needed time. the second time the guy asked, the gal rejected him saying that she don't want to hurt the guy and that she's not ready for a relationship. she said she still treats him as a friend.
shortly after rejecting the guy, the gal came depressed and avoid everything that has to do with the guy. for example, if she knows he guy like certain things, she would avoid those even though she used to like them as well. it's as if she's trying to shut off the guy from her mind. she told her other friends that she's feeling confused about what she wants and herself, but wouldn't tell them exact what the problem.
what should the guy do? he cares for her and really don't want to see her depressed. the guy haven't given up on the gal, he knows that she isn't really for a relationship, he's ok with being just her friend knowing that she might never accept him, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him. he's feeling frustrated and hurt at being ignored by her. he really can't understand why she is treating him that way. -
how did the guy know? she kind of admitted it herself. she did let the guy know that she's unsure of what she wants and she can't love anyone till she do. she told him not to wait for her.
the guy told the gal that he respects her wish of not wanting to get involved in a relationship, but wouldn't give up their friendship.
yes, he still like the gal, but right now all he's asking for is that she don't treat him like a stranger. is that a lot to ask? -
no...cannot be a couple but still can be friends rite...so i think the girl should continue the friendship wit the guy and not to avoid...im sure that the guy is very sad rite now rite?Originally posted by reika:how did the guy know? she kind of admitted it herself. she did let the guy know that she's unsure of what she wants and she can't love anyone till she do. she told him not to wait for her.
the guy told the gal that he respects her wish of not wanting to get involved in a relationship, but wouldn't give up their friendship.
yes, he still like the gal, but right now all he's asking for is that she don't treat him like a stranger. is that a lot to ask? -
not that the guy don't want to do that, but the gal realised the guy liked her and she starts avoiding him. that's why he confessed to her. i don't know, maybe it's a stupid thing to do.Originally posted by jolin80:my advice is:
leave her alone, let her make her own decision
if u really fond of her u will wait for her no matter wad
(u should not tell her that u fond of her at 1st shd let yr actions touch her heart)
let her feel it .... Gals are super sensitive creature to this kind of thingy if u are really sincer and true she will be able to feel it for sure
but now just let ur sincerity shd do the work
IF You ReA||Y lUv h|m
Let h|m Go
If He cOmeS BaCk To U
U w|n His HeaRt
If NoT .....
LeT It Be!!!
it's been months since she rejected him and there's only so much a guy can do when the gal is avoiding him. whatever things he did for her, all she said is thanks or some one-liner. -
are u the guy in the scenario?? but anyway, the guy should move on.......there are also other girls around, but moving on at this stage for the guy can be very very difficult, because he had got himself deeper by doing things for the girl.Originally posted by reika:not that the guy don't want to do that, but the gal realised the guy liked her and she starts avoiding him. that's why he confessed to her. i don't know, maybe it's a stupid thing to do.
it's been months since she rejected him and there's only so much a guy can do when the gal is avoiding him. whatever things he did for her, all she said is thanks or some one-liner. -
Well, I always feel that if you like somebody, you should let him/her know. Dare to express! Of course you muz be prepared of the consequences..could be good or bad..
In this case, the girl likes the guy too..but maybe she had been hurt before, so she dare not go into a relationship or what..If she is confused..Why not suggest to have a trial relationship? -
reika, i feel that it is right to do so ....
becoz it is better than letting both parties wonder and keep wondering non-stop.
anyway if she is really not keen, the pain will come sooner or later. same mah...just that the guy got the answer now.
if it is fated, it will be. just move on. -
Her confusion is because she doesn't know if she should give the guy a chance. She was hurt in some ways perviously and though her mind had advised and suggested moving on with her life - the result is minimal.Originally posted by reika:the situation is like this. this guy confessed to a gal that he liked her. the gal didn't say anything at first but said she needed time. the second time the guy asked, the gal rejected him saying that she don't want to hurt the guy and that she's not ready for a relationship. she said she still treats him as a friend.
shortly after rejecting the guy, the gal came depressed and avoid everything that has to do with the guy. for example, if she knows he guy like certain things, she would avoid those even though she used to like them as well. it's as if she's trying to shut off the guy from her mind. she told her other friends that she's feeling confused about what she wants and herself, but wouldn't tell them exact what the problem.
what should the guy do? he cares for her and really don't want to see her depressed. the guy haven't given up on the gal, he knows that she isn't really for a relationship, he's ok with being just her friend knowing that she might never accept him, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him. he's feeling frustrated and hurt at being ignored by her. he really can't understand why she is treating him that way. The man's appearance adds pressure onto the mind's message, which causes the chaotic confusion.
he cares for her and really don't want to see her depressed. - what makes the guy think that she needed his way and attempt to care? Simply, what makes the guy think that his caring is doing her any good?
Learn this: Respect personal space and allow time space to flow in and clarify the mind. The guy can like, but pressuring tactics won't work (Think why he failed twice). He can do the chase, but she can also reject - therefore the answer/problem lies on her part. The last thing he would want to do is to presume role like a bf (wah, she depressed must be first one to be there and comfort and tell me her sad tales, etc) - RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE. If she is comfortable to tell him, she would. He got worried, but then again, he is likely to be the source of her despair - in which she would rather calm down, think through and focus her attention on other issues.
Cheers -
thanks, but how can he get her to feel comfortable with him again? they used to be able to talk for hours about anything, but now it's like she wouldn't even speak with him for more than two sentences
as stated, the guy just want to get back to being friends with her. he is not insisting that gal accepts him as her bf. he even told her that, but she just keep ignoring him. -
Reminds me of the 1st girl which I tried to court... Well... at least initially...Originally posted by reika:the situation is like this. this guy confessed to a gal that he liked her. the gal didn't say anything at first but said she needed time. the second time the guy asked, the gal rejected him saying that she don't want to hurt the guy and that she's not ready for a relationship. she said she still treats him as a friend.
shortly after rejecting the guy, the gal came depressed and avoid everything that has to do with the guy. for example, if she knows he guy like certain things, she would avoid those even though she used to like them as well. it's as if she's trying to shut off the guy from her mind. she told her other friends that she's feeling confused about what she wants and herself, but wouldn't tell them exact what the problem.
what should the guy do? he cares for her and really don't want to see her depressed. the guy haven't given up on the gal, he knows that she isn't really for a relationship, he's ok with being just her friend knowing that she might never accept him, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him. he's feeling frustrated and hurt at being ignored by her. he really can't understand why she is treating him that way.
2 of us (me & a friend of mine..) fell for this girl at the same time.... When the girl learnt about it, she was kinda miserable... 1st time being courted, she don't know what to do... She was like avoiding both of us... And much of the time I heard from her friend that she was miserable.... After some time I've finally decided to draw out from the situation... I thought of giving the guy (which was my friend) and the girl whom I was in love with a CHANCE... If she really loves him, I don't see why I should be stopping them... And if she's not interested in her, I'll go after her again...
Soon enough, they got together.... But that wasn't the sad thing... The sad thing was when I learnt that the guy already pulled alot of 'dirty tricks' on me... eg. like he threw away a drawing I did for her and left on her table for her birthday... I was PISSED... But in a way, I still took him as a 'friend'... So I actually asked him out together with our mutual friends for a meet up...
I told him that I've learnt about the things which he DID in order to win the heart of the girl... And how DESPICABLE I thought he was... He just kept mum... And guilty... He asked me how he could make up to me.... I told to take good care of the girl and never hurt her intentionally (I know that he's a flirt... Ok, I'm also a flirt... But that was years later lah...
) or I'll never forgive him....
Years later... I only got to see this girl a 2nd time. She was doing her U and outside her lecture threatre... I was with my poly friends, there for a project.... We didn't speak much... I was in a hurry.... -
Kinda obvious the guy is you.Originally posted by reika:thanks, but how can he get her to feel comfortable with him again? they used to be able to talk for hours about anything, but now it's like she wouldn't even speak with him for more than two sentences
as stated, the guy just want to get back to being friends with her. he is not insisting that gal accepts him as her bf. he even told her that, but she just keep ignoring him.
One good thing we should learn here is avoid expecting similiar result after very major leap in love matters.
What do I mean?
When you expressed your feelings towards her, this is a major leap because it takes some time for your courage to muster before you would do anything like this. When you have expressed your sincere feelings of liking - the result is that the variables and constants changed according, for good or for ill. Therefore, you can't expect the same treatment as the previous time (chatting for hours, etc). In your case, obviously you pick the wrong timing to state your feeling as well. The chase didn't reach havest period, you were just trying your luck.
Analogy: If I hated a guy named Oxygen, then as life goes on - I met another person named Oxygen, my automatic thoughts would not give me very good first impression.
You mentioned that you just wished to return back to good friend status and for her, she had already imprinted an impression that YOU liked her and want to chase her. Being good friends like last time will misled you, therefore she chose to avoid. You employ pressuring chase tactics, she avoids further because she doesn't share the same strong liking like you do. Its like: You went passed her comfort line. Then she retreated and drew a new line. You went through that and again she retreated and drew a new line.
Now you want the friendship because you knew that love was difficult to capture - she will mis-read your intention and motive.
You want to go back to being friends, you would have to successfully date her out and talk. Tell her about points and future you see between you and her. If it is just friends you are talking about now, with effective talk, it should be alright with time to cover up the dust. But if she is still uncomfortable - then probably this talk can be used to clear up air, which makes everything clearer and easier to handle.
P.S: Do not expect everything to return like the previous time in a breeze. You have to build everything from scratch again before she would feel comfortable with you. Do not reveal body language that will set her to think that you ain't giving up and in fact under the shadow of friendship to chase her. (Although this is what you may be doing, but you can't be doing that until when everything is stable). Avoid several SMS, calls, etc. Reduce drastically until when she is more forth-coming with her responds, then gradually increase the dosage. Demonstrate your care and concern in a less dramatic, expressive way. Being too good can be a turn off and rather anti-seductive.
Cheers -
Our Devil's sad past.Originally posted by Devil1976:Reminds me of the 1st girl which I tried to court... Well... at least initially...
2 of us (me & a friend of mine..) fell for this girl at the same time.... When the girl learnt about it, she was kinda miserable... 1st time being courted, she don't know what to do... She was like avoiding both of us... And much of the time I heard from her friend that she was miserable.... After some time I've finally decided to draw out from the situation... I thought of giving the guy (which was my friend) and the girl whom I was in love with a CHANCE... If she really loves him, I don't see why I should be stopping them... And if she's not interested in her, I'll go after her again...
Soon enough, they got together.... But that wasn't the sad thing... The sad thing was when I learnt that the guy already pulled alot of 'dirty tricks' on me... eg. like he threw away a drawing I did for her and left on her table for her birthday... I was PISSED... But in a way, I still took him as a 'friend'... So I actually asked him out together with our mutual friends for a meet up...
I told him that I've learnt about the things which he DID in order to win the heart of the girl... And how DESPICABLE I thought he was... He just kept mum... And guilty... He asked me how he could make up to me.... I told to take good care of the girl and never hurt her intentionally (I know that he's a flirt... Ok, I'm also a flirt... But that was years later lah... ) or I'll never forgive him....
Years later... I only got to see this girl a 2nd time. She was doing her U and outside her lecture threatre... I was with my poly friends, there for a project.... We didn't speak much... I was in a hurry....
/me pat Devil
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actually, they did talk.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Kinda obvious the guy is you.
One good thing we should learn here is avoid expecting similiar result after very major leap in love matters.
What do I mean?
When you expressed your feelings towards her, this is a major leap because it takes some time for your courage to muster before you would do anything like this. When you have expressed your sincere feelings of liking - the result is that the variables and constants changed according, for good or for ill. Therefore, you can't expect the same treatment as the previous time (chatting for hours, etc). In your case, obviously you pick the wrong timing to state your feeling as well. The chase didn't reach havest period, you were just trying your luck.
Analogy: If I hated a guy named Oxygen, then as life goes on - I met another person named Oxygen, my automatic thoughts would not give me very good first impression.
You mentioned that you just wished to return back to good friend status and for her, she had already imprinted an impression that YOU liked her and want to chase her. Being good friends like last time will misled you, therefore she chose to avoid. You employ pressuring chase tactics, she avoids further because she doesn't share the same strong liking like you do. Its like: You went passed her comfort line. Then she retreated and drew a new line. You went through that and again she retreated and drew a new line.
Now you want the friendship because you knew that love was difficult to capture - she will mis-read your intention and motive.
You want to go back to being friends, you would have to successfully date her out and talk. Tell her about points and future you see between you and her. If it is just friends you are talking about now, with effective talk, it should be alright with time to cover up the dust. But if she is still uncomfortable - then probably this talk can be used to clear up air, which makes everything clearer and easier to handle.
P.S: Do not expect everything to return like the previous time in a breeze. You have to build everything from scratch again before she would feel comfortable with you. Do not reveal body language that will set her to think that you ain't giving up and in fact under the shadow of friendship to chase her. (Although this is what you may be doing, but you can't be doing that until when everything is stable). Avoid several SMS, calls, etc. Reduce drastically until when she is more forth-coming with her responds, then gradually increase the dosage. Demonstrate your care and concern in a less dramatic, expressive way. Being too good can be a turn off and rather anti-seductive.
Cheers
after being rejection, the guy felt fustrated and started avoiding the gal. it was during this period of time that the gal started to become depressed told her friends that she don't really know what she wants.
the guy found out about it, realised that he still liked the gal, and so he told her that he still likes her but he respects her decision of not wanting a relationship. he told her that he is willing to try to be just a friend, which is the truth. the gal told him that she do not dislike him, but she couldn't like anyone at the moment and told him not to wait for her.
the guy don't really think he can pretend that he no longer cares about the gal. -
Sad? Actually.... I didn't feel a thing when I posted that out?Originally posted by Yunhaier:Our Devil's sad past.
/me pat Devil Was just simply a recall...? -
Originally posted by reika:actually, they did talk.
after being rejection, the guy felt fustrated and started avoiding the gal. it was during this period of time that the gal started to become depressed told her friends that she don't really know what she wants.
the guy found out about it, realised that he still liked the gal, and so he told her that he still likes her but he respects her decision of not wanting a relationship. he told her that he is willing to try to be just a friend, which is the truth. the gal told him that she do not dislike him, but she couldn't like anyone at the moment and told him not to wait for her.
the guy don't really think he can pretend that he no longer cares about the gal. Respect her breathing space. You don't have to pretend not to care - you just understand that your care isn't what she seek.
Respect what she wants. If she doesn't know, then let time function and allow her to think.
Cheers -
Originally posted by Devil1976:Sad? Actually.... I didn't feel a thing when I posted that out? Was just simply a recall...?
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:
what I wanted is to be good friends,I really like her and she did ssay her parents forbid her from having any stead,I don't mind if she sees this now but I really do like her and I have to face her everyday,I am trying to forget but 1st love are hard to forget as everyone knows
You mentioned that you just wished to return back to good friend status and for her, she had already imprinted an impression that YOU liked her and want to chase her. Being good friends like last time will misled you, therefore she chose to avoid. You employ pressuring chase tactics, she avoids further because she doesn't share the same strong liking like you do. Its like: You went passed her comfort line. Then she retreated and drew a new line. You went through that and again she retreated and drew a new line.
Now you want the friendship because you knew that love was difficult to capture - she will mis-read your intention and motive.
You want to go back to being friends, you would have to successfully date her out and talk. Tell her about points and future you see between you and her. If it is just friends you are talking about now, with effective talk, it should be alright with time to cover up the dust. But if she is still uncomfortable - then probably this talk can be used to clear up air, which makes everything clearer and easier to handle.
P.S: Do not expect everything to return like the previous time in a breeze. You have to build everything from scratch again before she would feel comfortable with you. Do not reveal body language that will set her to think that you ain't giving up and in fact under the shadow of friendship to chase her. (Although this is what you may be doing, but you can't be doing that until when everything is stable). Avoid several SMS, calls, etc. Reduce drastically until when she is more forth-coming with her responds, then gradually increase the dosage. Demonstrate your care and concern in a less dramatic, expressive way. Being too good can be a turn off and rather anti-seductive.
Cheers [/b] -
Originally posted by StarPuppy:what I wanted is to be good friends,I really like her and she did ssay her parents forbid her from having any stead,I don't mind if she sees this now but I really do like her and I have to face her everyday,I am trying to forget but 1st love are hard to forget as everyone knows What you wanted is just good friend and her parents forbid her from having a relationship - isn't it very contridicting for being a good friend has nothing to do with BGR?
Obviously you didn't know where the line was, which causes her comfort zone to feel invaded. In easy defense, she brings up her strict parental excuse to reject you. If she is truely interested in you, such minor thingy wouldn't be too much of a problem.
Cheers -
I know but...I still have feelings for her,its not that I can just forget her so easily...I still like her....I just can't accept the fact that its just a excuses maybe she is too fillai?(dunno how to spell)
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Then so be it? You can't force her to be your gf, can you? And even if you can, you wouldn't want to.Originally posted by StarPuppy:I know but...I still have feelings for her,its not that I can just forget her so easily...I still like her....I just can't accept the fact that its just a excuses maybe she is too fillai?(dunno how to spell) Love is to be bounded willingly. You won't forget - you just get used.
Cheers -
reika...
ur case sounds like a case i noe sia...
care to intro urself a bit?
studying or working?
where?