Our resident agony Ah Beng gives his advice on dealing with jealous friends.
Dear Ah Beng,
I got two friends.
One runs a Beijing Xiao Long Bao restaurant, and another sells Taiwan porridge. Both of them sio pah over some bad venture long-long ago.
Anyway, one day the Beijing Xiao Long Bao friend spotted me going for some Taiwan porridge and was damn pissed off, accusing me of not showing him face.
I value our friendship, but I donÂ’t see why it should stop me from eating Taiwan porridge from my other friend. Their old grudge is not my pasal, mah.
What should I do?
Barry
Dear Barry,
Aiyah, not say I say what, but Xiao Long Bao versus Taiwan PorridgeÂ… talk about chia lat. Chinese restaurants all so teruk, maybe better to switch to more Indonesian and Malay restaurants for a while.
The main problem is that Beijing people all damn one kind one.
Just go any kopi tiam around Joo Chiat and Geylang and observe the wuya there trying to chiong the cheekopeks.
At first, they all very nice-nice, promise to give you lots of business, but then slowly, their Chinese pattern sure come out and before you know it, they want to build a Great Wall around you.
Worse, we know from history that once they get close to you, they end up taking over all your business. So people who deal with them better be careful.
Some more, people who make Xiao Long Bao must be extra Xiao Qi (literally, ‘small air’, i.e. petty).
Logic, lah, appealing to fairness, lah – all these thing all useless with Beijing people, one. Remember, they once killed millions of sparrows for no good reason.
You must just por them, give them present, whisper how much you still sayang them, make them feel valued.
Tell them how condemn Taiwan porridge is. Wah lau, rice also donno how to cook properly – so watery! Say you didn’t realize it would upset them so much – and come, let me take you to some tok kong restaurant to make up.
After a while, things should go back to normal.
Because Beijing people like others to wayang – that’s how come Beijing opera can survive the Cultural Revolution, mah.
Maybe you can even say you went inside, thinking it was teochew muay, but alamak! Turn out to be Taiwan porridge. Na beh!
After all, as a Singaporean, you make plenty of ‘honest’ mistakes, and this is just another one, mah.
Will lying like this affect your popularity amongst your wider circle of friends? Maybe.
But to settle is damn easy. In this, you can learn from your Taiwanese friend.
Just get someone to shoot you, but only give you a flesh wound. After that, your popularity sure go up again.
If you need a shooter, you can come to us at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society at Geylang Lorong 69.
Just ask for Bobo.
--AH BENG