Good Advices/Comments Appreciated
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Just want to share this with you and hopefully get some good advices and guidances in return.
I may be overly suspicious, but to me, my worries and concerns are valid. I feel that my wife may be UNFAITHFUL to me. Maybe not yet, but on course.... Pls share your views. Thank you.
Briefly about us :
Married for abt 5 years and has a baby. Both working in MNCs. She recently got a new job 2 months ago and I guess that's when problems start.
Her team is made up of about 4 guys/2 gals. Whenever we talked abt her work, she will mention the colleagues by name and I would formed profiles of them in my head to have a better picture of the person. However, I have always felt that one of the guy (let's call him JOHN; who is also married with kid) has never really etched into my profiling. I believe it is because she hardly talk abt this guy. I just thought perhaps this guy wasn't a very active member of the team and thus not much mention was given....
Over the last month, the team had extensive travelling which requires them to be outstationed for the whole week and would only return home over the weekends. I believe she spend more time with the team then anything else during that period. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess. Everything was normal and we talked everynite when she is away. Everything aye ok.
Just last week, their travelling was suddenly stopped. I believe the project was stalled due to unforseen circumstances. The team had to stay in SIN office and make good for themselves. I believe all of them have NOTHING TO DO. Most stayed at home. However, my wife choose to go back to office on certain days, albeit with another lady colleague (call her JANE). My wife says that the team has been temporarily reassigned to assist JOHN who was temporarily assigned to another project. I asked her more on the task at hand and she just say nothing much to do.
Just last weekend, I say her busy smsing away. I thought nothing of it as her SMS and HP calls picked up after she joined the company. She could be smsing with her Boss or other colleagues. Later in the nite, she informed me that she would be going into office on Monday. I asked her why? She mentioned that JANE insist she accompany her into office to "SHOW FACE". I thought, oh ok, since she has nothing to do at hom e anyway.
Late into the nite when she was asleep, I did the unthinkable. I saw her phone lying on the table. I just picked it up and ran thru her sms messages. Her inbox messages were all deleted. However, I can see that all the sent messages are still stored there. So I read them. I can see JOHN's name appearing regularly and I was even more excited and afraid as I scroll through them. I read the messages that she just sent just before she told me about going into office. I realise that she initiated the SMS to JOHN. Ask if he will be going into office on Monday. Only after that message, she SMS Jane and ask her if she would like to go to office to. Once they confirm, she SMS back to JOHN on the timing. I was trembling as I read.
As I read on, I came abt sms sent on Monday itself. She sms him and ask him to join for breakfast. In the noon, she also ask him for lunch. I remembered on Monday I fetch her in town and I ask her if she was in office the whole day, she just briefly say that she did leave the office but they went to another site office at the other end of Singapore. When I pressed on and ask her why she need to go there, she just say JANE wants to. But I had a strong feeling it was JOHN who wanted to go there. My wife just tags along as she has nothing to do. She just say JOHN drives them to and back after that.
As I read on the sms, I noticed msgs sent by her during days of her outstationed. Almost every morning, she would sms JOHN to meet at hotel lobby before going to work. I did a quick count, JOHN was the person she sent to abt 90% of the time and yet most of the time, she would hardly talk abt this guy to me... **fishy**
I rememebered JOHN sms her before to remember to watch Sin IDOL because that episode suppose to be very funny. I told her what kind of colleague does that? She just kept quiet.
Now, I don't seriously think she has "betrayed" me yet. But I feel that she is getting too comfortable with this guy. I believe the project will resume soon and they will have to travel again. This is what is worrying me. It may develop into something....
Some of you may be thinking that I over-react and that I should have faith in my wife. Or some may say it's very common for colleagues to behave this way. I understand where you are coming from. But I just want to say that yes, the signals are not strong yet. But any minute signal may develop into something bigger if left uncheck. Especially when you are travelling and away from home and feeling lonely. She even mentioned stories of infidelity happening among other teams. And look at air steward/stewardess, these are what's happening to these people. It's human nature...
Question now is :
i. How do I allay these fears and worries ? I doubt confronting her will work as to her, nothing has happened yet.
ii. How best can I monitor this... how to check on her HP more discretely, etc.
I pray to GOD for your good advices and comments. Thank you. -
i strongly suggest that you talk to your wife about it.
But it might be a good idea to leave out the part about you going through her sms as I sure she'll won't be happy to know that. -
sorry, double post
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Ideally, it's better to clear up any doubts. the more unanswered questions you have, the frustration builds up. One day you'll blow up.
The tricky situation is that you found out the whole situation through looking through her phone. However, the "situation" is based on your assumptions. The SMSes does not actually proof if anything is going on between them. Your wife might have intentionally mention less of John because she doesn't want you to start imagining things. She might have done this because perhaps you have a history of getting jealous?
In my opinion, there's really nothing much you can do. You have a child and have been married for some time. Unless there's something severely wrong with your marriage, you should try to trust your wife -
Have you seen John in person before?
What kinda person is your wife...?
What's wrong with your relationship with your wife
WORK ON IT.... -
How are you going to ask her about her "affair" without letting her know that u've read her hp?Originally posted by eric28sg:Just want to share this with you and hopefully get some good advices and guidances in return.
I may be overly suspicious, but to me, my worries and concerns are valid. I feel that my wife may be UNFAITHFUL to me. Maybe not yet, but on course.... Pls share your views. Thank you.
Briefly about us :
Married for abt 5 years and has a baby. Both working in MNCs. She recently got a new job 2 months ago and I guess that's when problems start.
Her team is made up of about 4 guys/2 gals. Whenever we talked abt her work, she will mention the colleagues by name and I would formed profiles of them in my head to have a better picture of the person. However, I have always felt that one of the guy (let's call him JOHN; who is also married with kid) has never really etched into my profiling. I believe it is because she hardly talk abt this guy. I just thought perhaps this guy wasn't a very active member of the team and thus not much mention was given....
Over the last month, the team had extensive travelling which requires them to be outstationed for the whole week and would only return home over the weekends. I believe she spend more time with the team then anything else during that period. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess. Everything was normal and we talked everynite when she is away. Everything aye ok.
Just last week, their travelling was suddenly stopped. I believe the project was stalled due to unforseen circumstances. The team had to stay in SIN office and make good for themselves. I believe all of them have NOTHING TO DO. Most stayed at home. However, my wife choose to go back to office on certain days, albeit with another lady colleague (call her JANE). My wife says that the team has been temporarily reassigned to assist JOHN who was temporarily assigned to another project. I asked her more on the task at hand and she just say nothing much to do.
Just last weekend, I say her busy smsing away. I thought nothing of it as her SMS and HP calls picked up after she joined the company. She could be smsing with her Boss or other colleagues. Later in the nite, she informed me that she would be going into office on Monday. I asked her why? She mentioned that JANE insist she accompany her into office to "SHOW FACE". I thought, oh ok, since she has nothing to do at hom e anyway.
Late into the nite when she was asleep, I did the unthinkable. I saw her phone lying on the table. I just picked it up and ran thru her sms messages. Her inbox messages were all deleted. However, I can see that all the sent messages are still stored there. So I read them. I can see JOHN's name appearing regularly and I was even more excited and afraid as I scroll through them. I read the messages that she just sent just before she told me about going into office. I realise that she initiated the SMS to JOHN. Ask if he will be going into office on Monday. Only after that message, she SMS Jane and ask her if she would like to go to office to. Once they confirm, she SMS back to JOHN on the timing. I was trembling as I read.
As I read on, I came abt sms sent on Monday itself. She sms him and ask him to join for breakfast. In the noon, she also ask him for lunch. I remembered on Monday I fetch her in town and I ask her if she was in office the whole day, she just briefly say that she did leave the office but they went to another site office at the other end of Singapore. When I pressed on and ask her why she need to go there, she just say JANE wants to. But I had a strong feeling it was JOHN who wanted to go there. My wife just tags along as she has nothing to do. She just say JOHN drives them to and back after that.
As I read on the sms, I noticed msgs sent by her during days of her outstationed. Almost every morning, she would sms JOHN to meet at hotel lobby before going to work. I did a quick count, JOHN was the person she sent to abt 90% of the time and yet most of the time, she would hardly talk abt this guy to me... **fishy**
I rememebered JOHN sms her before to remember to watch Sin IDOL because that episode suppose to be very funny. I told her what kind of colleague does that? She just kept quiet.
Now, I don't seriously think she has "betrayed" me yet. But I feel that she is getting too comfortable with this guy. I believe the project will resume soon and they will have to travel again. This is what is worrying me. It may develop into something....
Some of you may be thinking that I over-react and that I should have faith in my wife. Or some may say it's very common for colleagues to behave this way. I understand where you are coming from. But I just want to say that yes, the signals are not strong yet. But any minute signal may develop into something bigger if left uncheck. Especially when you are travelling and away from home and feeling lonely. She even mentioned stories of infidelity happening among other teams. And look at air steward/stewardess, these are what's happening to these people. It's human nature...
Question now is :
i. How do I allay these fears and worries ? I doubt confronting her will work as to her, nothing has happened yet.
ii. How best can I monitor this... how to check on her HP more discretely, etc.
I pray to GOD for your good advices and comments. Thank you.
it would be a breach of trust on your part and she would very well retort.
I'd suggest you spend more time with her so as to salvage your relationship as much as possible. Let her know that you still appreciate her and care for her and spend time together with her. Don't be hasty to confront her directly as it would only make matters worse. Re-ignite your fervor for each other and maybe u could pop the question of whether she'd still love you. Remember that there is still a child involved in this relationship and I don't think you would want to do anything to jeopardise it without first confirming your doubts. Try picking her up for lunch and back home so that you'd deny her the opportunity with John. Remember be tactful and act like you do not know what is going. (frankly I don't think u know wad's going on too but neither do I so anything goes) Try to make her feel guilty if she doesn't spend time with you and involve the child if possible. Let her know that she still has her supportive and caring family and that hopefully would keep her away from having an affair. If she tries to avoid you, then maybe it's best that you 2 have a good talk to iron things out. There's too much at stake here that so you'd gotta play your moves smart and with utmost caution.
P.S. never mention that you'd learn about their relationship by reading her HP and I don't think that you should carry on doing that as it would be a breach of trust on your part. Even if she has betrayed you, u must never come across to her as a traitor. -
dun despair too soon.. remain positive despite what you see or read.
make her feel needed and show her how much you and the family needs her always wherever she's in whatever she does..
whenever u feel pangs of panic-attacks again, take a deep breath and post them here.
writing is a good way of reflecting on circumstances.
hang in there... -
It is good that you are still able to remain calm and still thinking straight. we know its not an easy thing to do under the circumstances. What you really need now is to try very hard not to allow your mind to wonder and start becoming suspicious and start reading into every thing big and small looking for signs of this and that. I know its not easy but you have to try bec its important. otherwise, the whole thing may spin out of control. someone must remain in control and the best person is you!
Regarding confronting her, I agree, its very difficult to raise this issue esp since you do not really know why she purposely kept it low profile. Also letting her know that you spied on her will make her distrust you even more and her respect for you will be reduced. Further Like what sillyme said, there could be a variety of reasons and they could be valid reasons.
Like some of the posters said, if there are any issues in your relationship that has to be sorted out, it is best to sort them out asap in a calm and loving manner. Confronting her with this issue is not likely to help! it may even push her away unless both of you are really level headed - not an easy thing to do.
Really the only thing that you can do and is a sure win is to continue to build on what you already have and try and make the relationship stronger by courting her over and over againand again... that will help you rekindle love and maintain it... it will make both of you long and miss each other just like before .
I know this example is not exactly case in point here but I think there is something in it for everyone. My buddy was stationed overseas for a long period away from his wife, many temptations were thrown his way deliberately by many people including his business partners bec its just entertainment to them... several of his married colleages fell. I know them as I was there for a shorter period. But each and everytime the temptation came for him, he could resist and he even ran from it... (almost to the point of not giving face). I asked him how he did that and his answer was "deep down in my heart... I only tot of my wife and my love for her... I missed her very much".
Trust your wife and continue to love her just like you have always done and her love for you and her commitment to her marriage vow and to you and her child will give her the strength no to do anything hurtful.
For the time being, until you have some time to think and have calmed your nerves and your frustration/anger etc do not do anything bec your emotion is likely to take hold of you and both of you may start an argument and make it more difficult to work things through
take care. -
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Hi Eric,Originally posted by eric28sg:Just want to share this with you and hopefully get some good advices and guidances in return.
I may be overly suspicious, but to me, my worries and concerns are valid. I feel that my wife may be UNFAITHFUL to me. Maybe not yet, but on course.... Pls share your views. Thank you.
Briefly about us :
Married for abt 5 years and has a baby. Both working in MNCs. She recently got a new job 2 months ago and I guess that's when problems start.
Her team is made up of about 4 guys/2 gals. Whenever we talked abt her work, she will mention the colleagues by name and I would formed profiles of them in my head to have a better picture of the person. However, I have always felt that one of the guy (let's call him JOHN; who is also married with kid) has never really etched into my profiling. I believe it is because she hardly talk abt this guy. I just thought perhaps this guy wasn't a very active member of the team and thus not much mention was given....
Over the last month, the team had extensive travelling which requires them to be outstationed for the whole week and would only return home over the weekends. I believe she spend more time with the team then anything else during that period. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess. Everything was normal and we talked everynite when she is away. Everything aye ok.
Just last week, their travelling was suddenly stopped. I believe the project was stalled due to unforseen circumstances. The team had to stay in SIN office and make good for themselves. I believe all of them have NOTHING TO DO. Most stayed at home. However, my wife choose to go back to office on certain days, albeit with another lady colleague (call her JANE). My wife says that the team has been temporarily reassigned to assist JOHN who was temporarily assigned to another project. I asked her more on the task at hand and she just say nothing much to do.
Just last weekend, I say her busy smsing away. I thought nothing of it as her SMS and HP calls picked up after she joined the company. She could be smsing with her Boss or other colleagues. Later in the nite, she informed me that she would be going into office on Monday. I asked her why? She mentioned that JANE insist she accompany her into office to "SHOW FACE". I thought, oh ok, since she has nothing to do at hom e anyway.
Late into the nite when she was asleep, I did the unthinkable. I saw her phone lying on the table. I just picked it up and ran thru her sms messages. Her inbox messages were all deleted. However, I can see that all the sent messages are still stored there. So I read them. I can see JOHN's name appearing regularly and I was even more excited and afraid as I scroll through them. I read the messages that she just sent just before she told me about going into office. I realise that she initiated the SMS to JOHN. Ask if he will be going into office on Monday. Only after that message, she SMS Jane and ask her if she would like to go to office to. Once they confirm, she SMS back to JOHN on the timing. I was trembling as I read.
As I read on, I came abt sms sent on Monday itself. She sms him and ask him to join for breakfast. In the noon, she also ask him for lunch. I remembered on Monday I fetch her in town and I ask her if she was in office the whole day, she just briefly say that she did leave the office but they went to another site office at the other end of Singapore. When I pressed on and ask her why she need to go there, she just say JANE wants to. But I had a strong feeling it was JOHN who wanted to go there. My wife just tags along as she has nothing to do. She just say JOHN drives them to and back after that.
As I read on the sms, I noticed msgs sent by her during days of her outstationed. Almost every morning, she would sms JOHN to meet at hotel lobby before going to work. I did a quick count, JOHN was the person she sent to abt 90% of the time and yet most of the time, she would hardly talk abt this guy to me... **fishy**
I rememebered JOHN sms her before to remember to watch Sin IDOL because that episode suppose to be very funny. I told her what kind of colleague does that? She just kept quiet.
Now, I don't seriously think she has "betrayed" me yet. But I feel that she is getting too comfortable with this guy. I believe the project will resume soon and they will have to travel again. This is what is worrying me. It may develop into something....
Some of you may be thinking that I over-react and that I should have faith in my wife. Or some may say it's very common for colleagues to behave this way. I understand where you are coming from. But I just want to say that yes, the signals are not strong yet. But any minute signal may develop into something bigger if left uncheck. Especially when you are travelling and away from home and feeling lonely. She even mentioned stories of infidelity happening among other teams. And look at air steward/stewardess, these are what's happening to these people. It's human nature...
Question now is :
i. How do I allay these fears and worries ? I doubt confronting her will work as to her, nothing has happened yet.
ii. How best can I monitor this... how to check on her HP more discretely, etc.
I pray to GOD for your good advices and comments. Thank you.
i will try to spot on a few comments. to advice u is difficult since i have no background knowledge of what u and ur wife have been through.
1. How to allay fears and worries ?
Comment: Should u ? ur fears and worries will stay with u until the day u found out the truth - either shes cheating or just having John as a good friend.
2. She is ur married wife for 5 years - why confront ? Why not talk to her about ur fears ? I know its difficult to do so - but perhaps she will be touched by ur honesty and sincerety. She might not give u an honest answer - but i am sure u know ur wife long enough to guage if she is struggling in her own conscience.
3. How best to monitor this ?
Yeah, tough. Since u cannot tell ur wife that u secretly checked her HP. She might just turn the table on you. So why not ask her to to invite all her colleagues (jane lah, jonh lah) to your house for a simple dinner ?
get to know this john, talk to him....spring visits to ur wife's office, make her lunches, dinners etc etc ...make ur presence felt. say that hey this john fellow intrigues u and want to know more about him.....sooner or later....u will know more about the situation.
i dont know, my gut feel is that this john person is hitting on her, even knowing that shes married. and ermm..ur wife...quite like this fellow and is enjoying the attention.
actually i have quite the same experience as you, except that my wife tells me everything - this fellow hitting on her. so what i did was to make my presence felt, join her for her office functions, talk to this fellow.....and when i talk to him, he dare not look me in the eye...even though i was very friendly mahz....
u see, some guys are very cheap one....they see whether they can eat or not....if can....eat......but if husband come to see them...they run like dogs. so watch out for such dogs.
just my 2 cents. hope it helps.
Cheer up, dude.
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I agree with Klyde on his suggestions.
talk to her as calmly as you can. (n rationally for ur relationship and kid)
5 years is nt short...but this incident shows one thing. Trust, communication n love, either one or more may be lacking. All these have to be maintained or improve and keep tab even when married for years. Even if she has nothing with John, you are suspicious of her, u see.
But looking in another perspective, take this as a test and lesson to strengthen ur relationship with ur wife.
Prepare before u talk to her, mentally and the things u want to say.
Take good care, ya?
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Originally posted by eric28sg:Just want to share this with you and hopefully get some good advices and guidances in return.
I may be overly suspicious, but to me, my worries and concerns are valid. I feel that my wife may be UNFAITHFUL to me. Maybe not yet, but on course.... Pls share your views. Thank you.
Briefly about us :
Married for abt 5 years and has a baby. Both working in MNCs. She recently got a new job 2 months ago and I guess that's when problems start.
Her team is made up of about 4 guys/2 gals. Whenever we talked abt her work, she will mention the colleagues by name and I would formed profiles of them in my head to have a better picture of the person. However, I have always felt that one of the guy (let's call him JOHN; who is also married with kid) has never really etched into my profiling. I believe it is because she hardly talk abt this guy. I just thought perhaps this guy wasn't a very active member of the team and thus not much mention was given....
Over the last month, the team had extensive travelling which requires them to be outstationed for the whole week and would only return home over the weekends. I believe she spend more time with the team then anything else during that period. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess. Everything was normal and we talked everynite when she is away. Everything aye ok.
Just last week, their travelling was suddenly stopped. I believe the project was stalled due to unforseen circumstances. The team had to stay in SIN office and make good for themselves. I believe all of them have NOTHING TO DO. Most stayed at home. However, my wife choose to go back to office on certain days, albeit with another lady colleague (call her JANE). My wife says that the team has been temporarily reassigned to assist JOHN who was temporarily assigned to another project. I asked her more on the task at hand and she just say nothing much to do.
Just last weekend, I say her busy smsing away. I thought nothing of it as her SMS and HP calls picked up after she joined the company. She could be smsing with her Boss or other colleagues. Later in the nite, she informed me that she would be going into office on Monday. I asked her why? She mentioned that JANE insist she accompany her into office to "SHOW FACE". I thought, oh ok, since she has nothing to do at hom e anyway.
Late into the nite when she was asleep, I did the unthinkable. I saw her phone lying on the table. I just picked it up and ran thru her sms messages. Her inbox messages were all deleted. However, I can see that all the sent messages are still stored there. So I read them. I can see JOHN's name appearing regularly and I was even more excited and afraid as I scroll through them. I read the messages that she just sent just before she told me about going into office. I realise that she initiated the SMS to JOHN. Ask if he will be going into office on Monday. Only after that message, she SMS Jane and ask her if she would like to go to office to. Once they confirm, she SMS back to JOHN on the timing. I was trembling as I read.
As I read on, I came abt sms sent on Monday itself. She sms him and ask him to join for breakfast. In the noon, she also ask him for lunch. I remembered on Monday I fetch her in town and I ask her if she was in office the whole day, she just briefly say that she did leave the office but they went to another site office at the other end of Singapore. When I pressed on and ask her why she need to go there, she just say JANE wants to. But I had a strong feeling it was JOHN who wanted to go there. My wife just tags along as she has nothing to do. She just say JOHN drives them to and back after that.
As I read on the sms, I noticed msgs sent by her during days of her outstationed. Almost every morning, she would sms JOHN to meet at hotel lobby before going to work. I did a quick count, JOHN was the person she sent to abt 90% of the time and yet most of the time, she would hardly talk abt this guy to me... **fishy**
I rememebered JOHN sms her before to remember to watch Sin IDOL because that episode suppose to be very funny. I told her what kind of colleague does that? She just kept quiet.
Now, I don't seriously think she has "betrayed" me yet. But I feel that she is getting too comfortable with this guy. I believe the project will resume soon and they will have to travel again. This is what is worrying me. It may develop into something....
Some of you may be thinking that I over-react and that I should have faith in my wife. Or some may say it's very common for colleagues to behave this way. I understand where you are coming from. But I just want to say that yes, the signals are not strong yet. But any minute signal may develop into something bigger if left uncheck. Especially when you are travelling and away from home and feeling lonely. She even mentioned stories of infidelity happening among other teams. And look at air steward/stewardess, these are what's happening to these people. It's human nature...
Question now is :
i. How do I allay these fears and worries ? I doubt confronting her will work as to her, nothing has happened yet.
ii. How best can I monitor this... how to check on her HP more discretely, etc.
I pray to GOD for your good advices and comments. Thank you.
Your wife shown signs of betrayal but so far, nothing is concrete, nothing is proven. Technically, trust has still to be maintained or you would immediately lose stability in your marriage and bring on a wave of challenges that could cripple your relationship permanently.
What I meant by maintaining trust is to avoid:
I) Possessiveness
II) Additional form of control
The following two will work against your marriage. Never let it surface like unchained demon. You have two viable options to work:
I) You could play it the passive way. Focus on trying to salvage the possible holes you made to your relationship or already existing. Dump in additional time, effort and everything else to your wife and pray that the things you 'discover' are merely a passing phrase or non-hostile by nature.
II) Like mentioned before, you could like to communicate about this thingy to your wife. Remember, you are no longer in BGR and therefore its essential to do the 'right thing' in your love, so as to ensure long term survivability of your relationship. You don't want to linger damage long enough to break a few important structure in your marriage. My advice is to implement Two in One: Communicate and back it up with option (I). When you do speak to your wife remember to following pointers:
I) Avoid confrontating, lower tone, avoid trashing.
II) Speaking as in sharing session, let known about your concerns and always back it up with love and understanding.
III) Don't place demands; she's working with him after all. My suggestion is to air out the uncertainty in this situations and listen to what she has to say as well. The main objective of this talk is to make known or technically speaking, influence. To place demands shows insecurity and exercise certain amount of control, which clashes with (II) above in maintaining trust section.
IV) Constantly check body language.
After this is done, monitor your situations according to every three months phrase. Update AA if complication occurs.
Cheers -
Yes, spend more time with yr wife. Maybe u have been neglecting her.
Take her out for lunch & fetch her home after work.
Go for family outings during weekends.
Ask her to spend more time on yr kid instead of SMS/office work.
Go to the office & get to know her colleagues. Join in office outings.
Maybe u can sound her out by taking abt. couples who stray & see what she says. -
U need to hire a PI or a close friend to tail your wife
Get the dude Forumite who goes round taking pics of girls with his handphone.
YO who is that guy???!
Potential job here! -
My best advice to you is to just monitor her closely.. Of course invasion into her hp is a breach of her privacy.. But, in this case, to save yourself and the marriage, you may (not a must) do it..
Sometimes, between colleagues, there are very close bonds esp if they are close partners.. I read from your post that John is in your wife's team.. And he is working on another project? Alone? There may be a contradiction some where. Cause IF your wife's project is "suspended" for the time being, should he not be "suspended" for the time being also? If he has his own project, he should have his own team.. Don see the reason why your wife's team should be helping him, or rather your wife and her female colleague alone..
5 years of marriage.. Not a long time together also not a short time together.. But is a long time spending quality time together, knowing each other weakness and strength.. If you find that things are literally getting out of hand, i think you should sit down and talk to her..
*hint* you need not ask her in a straight format way as in who is that John guy and tell me more abt him.. That ain't necessary.. What you can do is strike up a conversation abt hows work in office, whats the progress and than ask what your colleagues are doing.. On your part, make an emphasis on John when you come talking abt him.. In tat way, you will get to know more abt him and his movements.
Don't be over sensitive and suspicious at this point as she has not done anything wrong yet.. Any wrong word which comes out from your mouth may lead to disaster..
Be smart and play smart. All the best. -
Hi guys,
To start with, I really need to say that I am indeed surprised. Not so much of the quantity of the responses I got, but more importantly it was the quality. I appreciate those that spend time reading and replying me with your advices and sharing your experiences. THANK YOU.
Felt obliged to inform you all that the matter has been resolved. It was indeed developing into a betrayal (as I have feared), but luckily it was still in its infant stage. I am glad I took the approach of confronting her and thus able to stop it in its tracks. I will elaborate further.
Tuesday nite, I ask leading questions and she gamely committed and llied openly in her answers to my BIG 3 questions. I made her repeat my questions and make her repeat her answers. (shall not say too much on the questions though). Then I trap her with my findings. She was SPEECHLESS. There and then I ask her the reasons of lying, and she just cried and blurted out that she admit she developed some liking towards JOHN during the trip, albeit it was only one-sided. JOHN has no idea of it.
She said she herself managed to control herself from sliding further into it as she reminded herself that she still has me and baby. Just that when she returned, she was overcame by guilt and thus try to avoid talking abt JOHN altogether. She promised that she would never do such a thing again. We had long talk (the whole of TUES nite). We are now SOOOO MUCH more closer than before. She knows now that she meant more to me than she can imagine. So, I guess that's it. Case close.
However, I still tremble just thinking what could have happened if I had not confronted her. Or if she had not been strong-willed enough and allow her feelings to overcome her? Or if JOHN had made some moves on her? etc... I will never know what I will do... And I never would want to know.
Now I am on my road to recovery. Not so much of feeling betrayed. But more of the heavy feeling of disappointment. I never knew she is capable of developing feelings towards other guys... (too over-confident I guess!). But can't blame me for the confidence too, cos though she is quite attractive and nice person, she has been always able to ward off any chance of suitors trying to approach her. She has never given them a single chance. But I guess this time, travelling+loneliness took its toll. But thank god it is only one-way and temporary.
So all in all, thanks to all you guys. Good luck to everybody ! -
Glad that you have resolved the issue
Don't worry too much. Look at the positives, though she was attracted to him, she held back because she put you and your child above her desires. She is committed to the relationship and did not act rashly. She did not continue to lie when you confronted her. That is a courageous thing to do and it proves that she no longer want to feed her feelings for John.
Do look forward to the future. Do not let this incident mar the relationship. All the best to your family! -
technology creating chances for people ti cheat, and for them to be discovered cheating.Originally posted by eric28sg:Just want to share this with you and hopefully get some good advices and guidances in return.
I may be overly suspicious, but to me, my worries and concerns are valid. I feel that my wife may be UNFAITHFUL to me. Maybe not yet, but on course.... Pls share your views. Thank you.
Briefly about us :
Married for abt 5 years and has a baby. Both working in MNCs. She recently got a new job 2 months ago and I guess that's when problems start.
Her team is made up of about 4 guys/2 gals. Whenever we talked abt her work, she will mention the colleagues by name and I would formed profiles of them in my head to have a better picture of the person. However, I have always felt that one of the guy (let's call him JOHN; who is also married with kid) has never really etched into my profiling. I believe it is because she hardly talk abt this guy. I just thought perhaps this guy wasn't a very active member of the team and thus not much mention was given....
Over the last month, the team had extensive travelling which requires them to be outstationed for the whole week and would only return home over the weekends. I believe she spend more time with the team then anything else during that period. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess. Everything was normal and we talked everynite when she is away. Everything aye ok.
Just last week, their travelling was suddenly stopped. I believe the project was stalled due to unforseen circumstances. The team had to stay in SIN office and make good for themselves. I believe all of them have NOTHING TO DO. Most stayed at home. However, my wife choose to go back to office on certain days, albeit with another lady colleague (call her JANE). My wife says that the team has been temporarily reassigned to assist JOHN who was temporarily assigned to another project. I asked her more on the task at hand and she just say nothing much to do.
Just last weekend, I say her busy smsing away. I thought nothing of it as her SMS and HP calls picked up after she joined the company. She could be smsing with her Boss or other colleagues. Later in the nite, she informed me that she would be going into office on Monday. I asked her why? She mentioned that JANE insist she accompany her into office to "SHOW FACE". I thought, oh ok, since she has nothing to do at hom e anyway.
Late into the nite when she was asleep, I did the unthinkable. I saw her phone lying on the table. I just picked it up and ran thru her sms messages. Her inbox messages were all deleted. However, I can see that all the sent messages are still stored there. So I read them. I can see JOHN's name appearing regularly and I was even more excited and afraid as I scroll through them. I read the messages that she just sent just before she told me about going into office. I realise that she initiated the SMS to JOHN. Ask if he will be going into office on Monday. Only after that message, she SMS Jane and ask her if she would like to go to office to. Once they confirm, she SMS back to JOHN on the timing. I was trembling as I read.
As I read on, I came abt sms sent on Monday itself. She sms him and ask him to join for breakfast. In the noon, she also ask him for lunch. I remembered on Monday I fetch her in town and I ask her if she was in office the whole day, she just briefly say that she did leave the office but they went to another site office at the other end of Singapore. When I pressed on and ask her why she need to go there, she just say JANE wants to. But I had a strong feeling it was JOHN who wanted to go there. My wife just tags along as she has nothing to do. She just say JOHN drives them to and back after that.
As I read on the sms, I noticed msgs sent by her during days of her outstationed. Almost every morning, she would sms JOHN to meet at hotel lobby before going to work. I did a quick count, JOHN was the person she sent to abt 90% of the time and yet most of the time, she would hardly talk abt this guy to me... **fishy**
I rememebered JOHN sms her before to remember to watch Sin IDOL because that episode suppose to be very funny. I told her what kind of colleague does that? She just kept quiet.
Now, I don't seriously think she has "betrayed" me yet. But I feel that she is getting too comfortable with this guy. I believe the project will resume soon and they will have to travel again. This is what is worrying me. It may develop into something....
Some of you may be thinking that I over-react and that I should have faith in my wife. Or some may say it's very common for colleagues to behave this way. I understand where you are coming from. But I just want to say that yes, the signals are not strong yet. But any minute signal may develop into something bigger if left uncheck. Especially when you are travelling and away from home and feeling lonely. She even mentioned stories of infidelity happening among other teams. And look at air steward/stewardess, these are what's happening to these people. It's human nature...
Question now is :
i. How do I allay these fears and worries ? I doubt confronting her will work as to her, nothing has happened yet.
ii. How best can I monitor this... how to check on her HP more discretely, etc.
I pray to GOD for your good advices and comments. Thank you. -
wow!! very happy to hear you two guys worked things out. good for you!!Originally posted by eric28sg:Hi guys,
To start with, I really need to say that I am indeed surprised. Not so much of the quantity of the responses I got, but more importantly it was the quality. I appreciate those that spend time reading and replying me with your advices and sharing your experiences. THANK YOU.
Felt obliged to inform you all that the matter has been resolved. It was indeed developing into a betrayal (as I have feared), but luckily it was still in its infant stage. I am glad I took the approach of confronting her and thus able to stop it in its tracks. I will elaborate further.
Tuesday nite, I ask leading questions and she gamely committed and llied openly in her answers to my BIG 3 questions. I made her repeat my questions and make her repeat her answers. (shall not say too much on the questions though). Then I trap her with my findings. She was SPEECHLESS. There and then I ask her the reasons of lying, and she just cried and blurted out that she admit she developed some liking towards JOHN during the trip, albeit it was only one-sided. JOHN has no idea of it.
She said she herself managed to control herself from sliding further into it as she reminded herself that she still has me and baby. Just that when she returned, she was overcame by guilt and thus try to avoid talking abt JOHN altogether. She promised that she would never do such a thing again. We had long talk (the whole of TUES nite). We are now SOOOO MUCH more closer than before. She knows now that she meant more to me than she can imagine. So, I guess that's it. Case close.
However, I still tremble just thinking what could have happened if I had not confronted her. Or if she had not been strong-willed enough and allow her feelings to overcome her? Or if JOHN had made some moves on her? etc... I will never know what I will do... And I never would want to know.
Now I am on my road to recovery. Not so much of feeling betrayed. But more of the heavy feeling of disappointment. I never knew she is capable of developing feelings towards other guys... (too over-confident I guess!). But can't blame me for the confidence too, cos though she is quite attractive and nice person, she has been always able to ward off any chance of suitors trying to approach her. She has never given them a single chance. But I guess this time, travelling+loneliness took its toll. But thank god it is only one-way and temporary.
So all in all, thanks to all you guys. Good luck to everybody !