Group Dynamics
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Dear nice guys and nice gals of AA forum,
Its been a long time since I posted advices or things of my own up here. Here, I shall post an incident that I encountered recently.
A little background of the incident:
I am studying in a tertiary institution in Singapore. I have known this group of friends for almost a year. Some of the days, my lessons start late in the afternoon but this group of friends has early lessons in the morning.
Incident:
2 months ago, I started to go to sch early to join this group of friends in doing sch work and for lunch, then we would go for lectures together after that. I was really happy in joining this group of friends as I enjoyed my time with them. At the same time, I could do my work and if theres anything I duno, I can ask them. It was wonderful to be with them.
However, things changed. Thru one of the group members, I got to know that my presence in the group made some of the other members felt uncomfortable. Upon hearing the news, I was really sad, hurt and disappointed. I was trying my best to mix with the group and ended up in this state. I have no idea of what happened and it would be not appropriate for me to ask ppl directly.
I do not wish to cause awkwardness between the group of friends. Thus the only thing I could do now is to back off a little, not to go to sch early, not to cause any of the people in the group to feel uncomfortable. That will also mean I lost a sense of enjoyment and gained sadness, disappointment.
Some people may say that y not find another group to join in? I will reply them "Its not easy to mix into a group and not easy to find a group u can fit comfortably into it, much less to say njoy the time with the group. Once U find comfort in the group, it wont be easy to just say go and then go. "
Any idea or advices on how to handle such a situation? Hope to hear advices from all the nice ppl in AA forum. Thnx in advance!
NB: Pardon me for the long passage. Hope its not too confusing. If u all need more background info, I willgladly provide it. -
Even in a group, there will be some people who likes to 'click' together esp. girls.
Some people may be intimidated cos u are getting close to their good frens.
I'm sure not all feels the same way.
Are u a girl or guy?
Guys are easier to get along with.
Find out who u can get along better in the group & hang out with them. -
In such a grouping, there usually are bound to be a few who don't feel easy at your presence when the group is large enough or sort...?
Besides, you're sort of like an 'outsider'... It'll probably take time... Even then, there's no guarantee that things would always turn for the better... I'm pretty sure such things can happen too even if you initially started off joining them as their initial grouping.. So don't worry yourself too much about it unless things get too 'rough'...?
If you feel that there're much 'tension' within the group.. You can try either of the 2 strategies...
1. Time Slots Interaction - Whereby you appear in front of them... Join them for a while.. Then leave for your library or whatever other business.. Then go back again... On and off.... Over a certain period of time...
2. Delayed Time Interaction - Instead of going to school SO EARLY... Just go a 'little' earlier... You may wanna increase the 'earlier' time frame when things get better...? So that interaction time with them is not so long and hence some of them could be more comfortable with it...?
Above all, you can still stick to your original routine.. Just monitor that things don't get too out of hand...?
Since I'm here, tell you a story? My interaction with my buddy's friends... A basketball group... They're relative closer to each other compared to with me... Cause they even often hang out together... I don't really hang out with them except basketball sessions.. Is that gonna make an alien..? Well... I figured out.. No... Surely some of them are indeed not that comfortable with my presence at 1st... But I thought at least I'm an average Joe... So despite all the unhappy happenings, I just tagged along... When things became too unpleasant, I skipped a few meetings with them to ease out the tensions a little... Today I still join them for basketball sessions (ok... Not like literally TODAY...
")... Though I won't say our friendship is FANTASTIC... But compared to the PAST? It's a hell leap of IMPROVEMENT....
MORAL of the STORY? Things don't happen OVERNIGHT...
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I tot from my profile can see whether i a guy or girl?Originally posted by gerrykoh:Even in a group, there will be some people who likes to 'click' together esp. girls.
Some people may be intimidated cos u are getting close to their good frens.
I'm sure not all feels the same way.
Are u a girl or guy?
Guys are easier to get along with.
Find out who u can get along better in the group & hang out with them.
Anyway, I am a guy. And I am easy to get along with as u have said. I get along ok with everyone in the group. Its the other way round as in some of them feel uncomfortable with me there.
I do noe who i feel comfortable hanging out with but I cant ask them to forsake their friends and then start hanging out with me. Its so selfish to do that. -
1st and foremost, let me thank u for replying to this thread.Originally posted by Devil1976:In such a grouping, there usually are bound to be a few who don't feel easy at your presence when the group is large enough or sort...?
Besides, you're sort of like an 'outsider'... It'll probably take time... Even then, there's no guarantee that things would always turn for the better... I'm pretty sure such things can happen too even if you initially started off joining them as their initial grouping.. So don't worry yourself too much about it unless things get too 'rough'...?
If you feel that there're much 'tension' within the group.. You can try either of the 2 strategies...
1. Time Slots Interaction - Whereby you appear in front of them... Join them for a while.. Then leave for your library or whatever other business.. Then go back again... On and off.... Over a certain period of time...
2. Delayed Time Interaction - Instead of going to school SO EARLY... Just go a 'little' earlier... You may wanna increase the 'earlier' time frame when things get better...? So that interaction time with them is not so long and hence some of them could be more comfortable with it...?
Above all, you can still stick to your original routine.. Just monitor that things don't get too out of hand...?
Since I'm here, tell you a story? My interaction with my buddy's friends... A basketball group... They're relative closer to each other compared to with me... Cause they even often hang out together... I don't really hang out with them except basketball sessions.. Is that gonna make an alien..? Well... I figured out.. No... Surely some of them are indeed not that comfortable with my presence at 1st... But I thought at least I'm an average Joe... So despite all the unhappy happenings, I just tagged along... When things became too unpleasant, I skipped a few meetings with them to ease out the tensions a little... Today I still join them for basketball sessions (ok... Not like literally TODAY... ")... Though I won't say our friendship is FANTASTIC... But compared to the PAST? It's a hell leap of IMPROVEMENT....
MORAL of the STORY? Things don't happen OVERNIGHT...
A little more background info b4 I move on. This group including me consists of 2 guys and 4 gals.
I really cant sort out the reason that I am being taken to be an 'outsider'. Things are more obvious lately. Recently, this group of frens decided to give a surprise trip for a makeover to one of the birthday gals of the same group. I was totally excluded and only got to know they planned the surprise thru some casual chatting. I mean the bday gal was also my fren so I was thinking how come I was left out of the surprise thing. Well, I was given the reason the bday gal might feel awkward. I was like totally puzzled as to why will she feel awkward when we are all frens?
Well since they decided, there was nth i could do but to accept it. Last week, they decided to go and collect the makeover phtographs. Again I was not informed till the last min when I heard from another fren. So after class that day, I tagged along with them. Its was pretty obvious that I was like not welcomed cos everyone was toking their own stuff and I was totally left out in the blue.
After the trip, I went home, and thru one of the gals in the same grp, I realised my presence made some ppl felt uncomfortable. Mayb I went without being invited so that makes me so irritating. But I really duno as frens, y is it that I did to deserve that???? Its not as if I am a pestering bug or some irritating bugger.
I was totally hurt by it as I mentioned before.
The only reason I could think of was some of them felt I was pestering one of the girls as I have some feelings for her.
To me, that is not true as I went to sch early so I could do my work and spend time with my frens. Y must or shld they link the 2 things up together??? Now It makes me feel so lost and I stil have to face them almost daily. Haiz, now got to like wear mask to face them.
Pardon me for the long and naggy story. -
Well you got 2 choices:
The Evil way: (for chaotic evil aligned characters only or those that wanna be chaotically evil aligned)
THe chaotic evil character is the bane of all that is good and noble, such a character inspires a clique or at least keeps it together around him by bullying the other weaker members into submission. The chaotic evil character does not hesitate to smite or strike a member of the group who insults him or questions him. THe chaotic evil character does not appear weak nor will he ever allow his companions in the gang to be weak, the chaotic evil character will destroy or wipe out those in his clique that do not follow him or are not loyal to him.
Examples of chaotically evil characters: Stalin, Hitler, men_@_arms (when he is in a bad mood), Devil, most sg forum moderators, sec4 batch of SAS NCC 2001, my ex-gf etc etc
But since u appear not to be evil..
alternatively:
Be yourself, do what u normally do, socialise more, find new cliques and perhaps try not to appear to be TOTALLY concentrated on this so called "group that shuns you" so much.
But i know its hard if ur rejected in one group and if u look around elsewhere, the other groups feel ur a reject, and the cycle goes on until u end up with the "REJECTED OUTCASTISH" group that plays mahjong on the PC every day for fun..
So you can hire me and my other outcasts to hang around with u to give the IMPRESSIOn that you are COOL AND HIP AND HJAVE A CLIQUE of your OWN!! I can pass off as cool coz of my ethnicity and cool HEELY shoes that i can do stunts in
me mates skateboard and do rap
Haha but seriously. Try and buddy up with someone who is in your group, and use that connection to connect u with the other people in the group -
Don't worry so much re the makeover incident. They may be shy & certain things like shopping & makeup, they won't want guys around.
Girls also tend to clique together.
I think it is a good idea to mix around with other groups to show that u do not need their company.
Join some guys for sports activities & make friends with those more outgoing, who can introduce u to their wide network of frens.
There is a guy in my daughter's class who is shun by everyone cos he is very 'hao lian'. So, be careful what u say or do cos some pple may be sensitive. This is esp. true when meeting someone new. -
Don't get it... Why must you wear a mask to face them? It's not as if you've done something wrong?Originally posted by shaunlaw:1st and foremost, let me thank u for replying to this thread.
A little more background info b4 I move on. This group including me consists of 2 guys and 4 gals.
I really cant sort out the reason that I am being taken to be an 'outsider'. Things are more obvious lately. Recently, this group of frens decided to give a surprise trip for a makeover to one of the birthday gals of the same group. I was totally excluded and only got to know they planned the surprise thru some casual chatting. I mean the bday gal was also my fren so I was thinking how come I was left out of the surprise thing. Well, I was given the reason the bday gal might feel awkward. I was like totally puzzled as to why will she feel awkward when we are all frens?
Well since they decided, there was nth i could do but to accept it. Last week, they decided to go and collect the makeover phtographs. Again I was not informed till the last min when I heard from another fren. So after class that day, I tagged along with them. Its was pretty obvious that I was like not welcomed cos everyone was toking their own stuff and I was totally left out in the blue.
After the trip, I went home, and thru one of the gals in the same grp, I realised my presence made some ppl felt uncomfortable. Mayb I went without being invited so that makes me so irritating. But I really duno as frens, y is it that I did to deserve that???? Its not as if I am a pestering bug or some irritating bugger.
I was totally hurt by it as I mentioned before.
The only reason I could think of was some of them felt I was pestering one of the girls as I have some feelings for her.
To me, that is not true as I went to sch early so I could do my work and spend time with my frens. Y must or shld they link the 2 things up together??? Now It makes me feel so lost and I stil have to face them almost daily. Haiz, now got to like wear mask to face them.
Pardon me for the long and naggy story.
Don't put such things too much to heart.. You won't die because you're not invited to a birthday celebration?
As I've previously said, try to take things slow and easy...
If not you can try men@arms' advice? Go for othre groups..? Even within a group, there can be 1 or 2 who detest you... Such may not last forever, or if you come to think it... If you're an okie person, what gives them more rights to stay in that group than you do? Unless almost the whole group detest you then you better be looking elsewhere yeah..? -
Well, I have to face them daily. I dont wish to show my sadness and unhappiness to them to show that I am neglected. Thats the reason for me to wear a mask.Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't get it... Why must you wear a mask to face them? It's not as if you've done something wrong?
Don't put such things too much to heart.. You won't die because you're not invited to a birthday celebration?
As I've previously said, try to take things slow and easy...
If not you can try men@arms' advice? Go for othre groups..? Even within a group, there can be 1 or 2 who detest you... Such may not last forever, or if you come to think it... If you're an okie person, what gives them more rights to stay in that group than you do? Unless almost the whole group detest you then you better be looking elsewhere yeah..?
I dun really mind if I dun get invited to a cele or watever. Just that I tot I was part of the group so naturally when there are things, I tot they will tell me. But mayb I was wrong. 2 things may prove it tdy. After lessons tdy, I went to ask the teacher things for some frens. They went off without even telling me or saying goodbye. 2nd, heard them planning for a grad trip, was not informed of it. Totally felt left out.
I dun think the whole grp detest me. If they do detest me, i would have been isolated totally. I am a okie person and i myself duno what gives them more rights to stay in that group than I do.
Its a tough feeling if u noe wat i mean. -
Try to take things easy... Like I've said, rejection among a minority of a group is only normal... Don't expect yourself to be 'Mr Popular' yeah?Originally posted by shaunlaw:Well, I have to face them daily. I dont wish to show my sadness and unhappiness to them to show that I am neglected. Thats the reason for me to wear a mask.
I dun really mind if I dun get invited to a cele or watever. Just that I tot I was part of the group so naturally when there are things, I tot they will tell me. But mayb I was wrong. 2 things may prove it tdy. After lessons tdy, I went to ask the teacher things for some frens. They went off without even telling me or saying goodbye. 2nd, heard them planning for a grad trip, was not informed of it. Totally felt left out.
I dun think the whole grp detest me. If they do detest me, i would have been isolated totally. I am a okie person and i myself duno what gives them more rights to stay in that group than I do.
Its a tough feeling if u noe wat i mean.
Meanwhile just carry on with whatever activities and interactions you deem fit with them... Don't expect to be 'accepted' so soon... REMEMBER! Things DON'T happen OVERNIGHT.... -
Been there before.Maybe it is better making other friends - friends are people who won't detest your presence. I used to hang out with one group and then got "kicked out" because I told them off regarding dumping all the project work on me (happened several times). They just ditched me like your group ditched you.Originally posted by shaunlaw:Well, I have to face them daily. I dont wish to show my sadness and unhappiness to them to show that I am neglected. Thats the reason for me to wear a mask.
I dun really mind if I dun get invited to a cele or watever. Just that I tot I was part of the group so naturally when there are things, I tot they will tell me. But mayb I was wrong. 2 things may prove it tdy. After lessons tdy, I went to ask the teacher things for some frens. They went off without even telling me or saying goodbye. 2nd, heard them planning for a grad trip, was not informed of it. Totally felt left out.
I dun think the whole grp detest me. If they do detest me, i would have been isolated totally. I am a okie person and i myself duno what gives them more rights to stay in that group than I do.
Its a tough feeling if u noe wat i mean.
After that , I didn't care. I found some new friends by luck , they were the quiet bunch that no one ever notices or cares about them but they turned out to be good friends til today. Go mix with other people is my advice . Quiet ones , the nerdy ones , the wallpaper type - some of them may make good friends because they are not "groupy ". Don't bother about the other group - groups pick and chose who they want . -
More news update:
For the entire week last week, i din join them at all. Whats so great abt this is that they actually felt not so weird when i am not around. I duno for the rest but for a zhong qing zhong yi guy like me, its damn hurting.
They know that I know they wan me to not join the group. They even ask a fren to hint me although that fren told me directly. Cant really believe that I am such out casted.
I know things dun happen overnite but this is getting worse. I think i shld just throw my unhappiness in their faces and let them noe what they have put me through. -
One question. U yandao or not?
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FORGET IT... When you're NOT WELCOMED, just LEAVE it... Don't have to act as if you're a begger or a bugger yeah? If there're anybody you're interested in keeping as a friend, just go ahead and do so.... Meanwhile... Things should probably just end there...? Don't have to get all so worked up over such trivial matters...? You'll probably be seeing MORE of these and WORSE scenerios when you step out into the society in the future...?Originally posted by shaunlaw:More news update:
For the entire week last week, i din join them at all. Whats so great abt this is that they actually felt not so weird when i am not around. I duno for the rest but for a zhong qing zhong yi guy like me, its damn hurting.
They know that I know they wan me to not join the group. They even ask a fren to hint me although that fren told me directly. Cant really believe that I am such out casted.
I know things dun happen overnite but this is getting worse. I think i shld just throw my unhappiness in their faces and let them noe what they have put me through. 
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Does yandoa got to do with frenship? If so, i am not yandao. I am not one anyway.Originally posted by laurence82:One question. U yandao or not? -
I noe the society. It will be more worse and far than wat i can expect. All those back stabbing, betraying, and everything u can imagine can happen in the real world.Originally posted by Devil1976:FORGET IT... When you're NOT WELCOMED, just LEAVE it... Don't have to act as if you're a begger or a bugger yeah? If there're anybody you're interested in keeping as a friend, just go ahead and do so.... Meanwhile... Things should probably just end there...? Don't have to get all so worked up over such trivial matters...? You'll probably be seeing MORE of these and WORSE scenerios when you step out into the society in the future...?
I am not a begger not bugger, I am just out to make more genuine frens b4 i go out to work cos i noe chances are that u get less real frens at work. Its my character. Some people may think its small and trival, i think differently bcos of my character. I noe ur advices are for the good of me but if u were me, i think u will be the same as me. -
No. Its a personal question.Originally posted by shaunlaw:Does yandoa got to do with frenship? If so, i am not yandao. I am not one anyway. -
Probably the group feels u joined them b'cos of you are interested in one of the girls.
Maybe you started off on the wrong footing and that impression stayed.
You came across as too bold, too thick-skinned etc..? -
You sure about that...?Originally posted by shaunlaw:I noe the society. It will be more worse and far than wat i can expect. All those back stabbing, betraying, and everything u can imagine can happen in the real world.
I am not a begger not bugger, I am just out to make more genuine frens b4 i go out to work cos i noe chances are that u get less real frens at work. Its my character. Some people may think its small and trival, i think differently bcos of my character. I noe ur advices are for the good of me but if u were me, i think u will be the same as me.
Can always look for other friends what...? Genuine friends..? How 'genuine' do ya expect them to be when they're treating you like that...?
And it's always good not to be too 'sensitive' in your response to others, even if you may be a sensitive guy inside? You might just 'overact' too easily, making it difficult for people to get along with you...? -
I duno lah. No reason was given for treating me like that. I was just puzzling abt it. If they give me a reason, it will be better. Everything is so strange now. I duno how to tok to them even when i am sitting with them in lectures.Originally posted by Devil1976:You sure about that...?
Can always look for other friends what...? Genuine friends..? How 'genuine' do ya expect them to be when they're treating you like that...?
And it's always good not to be too 'sensitive' in your response to others, even if you may be a sensitive guy inside? You might just 'overact' too easily, making it difficult for people to get along with you...?
Mayb I shld just blast our my unhappiness. -
Question.. Why is this happening at a tertiary level? I thought everyone should be chillin' and getting to know more people.
Anyway i know dynamics of a group can change a lot. LIke allegiances form and get disbanded with a new person.
Why don't you just say stuff it and continue with this new group of friends if you are 'enjoyin' yourself and nobody has told you to eff off basically.
I think it's rather rude someone has told you rumours. They might be jealous of intimidated by you.. That's what i think anyway. -
Good question to why is it happening in tertiary level. I have absolutely no idea either. And whats more its happening due to 2 adults thinking! I reapeat adults (21yrs old in the eyes of the law.)!Originally posted by Lingos:Question.. Why is this happening at a tertiary level? I thought everyone should be chillin' and getting to know more people.
Anyway i know dynamics of a group can change a lot. LIke allegiances form and get disbanded with a new person.
Why don't you just say stuff it and continue with this new group of friends if you are 'enjoyin' yourself and nobody has told you to eff off basically.
I think it's rather rude someone has told you rumours. They might be jealous of intimidated by you.. That's what i think anyway.
The 2 "adults" who feel uncomfortable at my presence actually told my god sis to ask me not to join them! So isnt this the same as telling me to eff off? Its not a rumour, its true! Dun ask me for why they feel like this cos only the 2 of them noe! -
Man... Talk about adults....?Originally posted by shaunlaw:Good question to why is it happening in tertiary level. I have absolutely no idea either. And whats more its happening due to 2 adults thinking! I reapeat adults (21yrs old in the eyes of the law.)!
The 2 "adults" who feel uncomfortable at my presence actually told my god sis to ask me not to join them! So isnt this the same as telling me to eff off? Its not a rumour, its true! Dun ask me for why they feel like this cos only the 2 of them noe!
Please go find other kids to play with... If they don't welcome you, just forget it yeah...?
Why have to push until like that...? -
They are my frens and not some kids. Even though their halding of this matter is not adult style, pls dun go criticise them as kids.Originally posted by Devil1976:Man... Talk about adults....?
Please go find other kids to play with... If they don't welcome you, just forget it yeah...?
Why have to push until like that...? -
Hmm...Well.. they didn't tell it to you in your face.Originally posted by shaunlaw:Good question to why is it happening in tertiary level. I have absolutely no idea either. And whats more its happening due to 2 adults thinking! I reapeat adults (21yrs old in the eyes of the law.)!
The 2 "adults" who feel uncomfortable at my presence actually told my god sis to ask me not to join them! So isnt this the same as telling me to eff off? Its not a rumour, its true! Dun ask me for why they feel like this cos only the 2 of them noe!
So why don't you be adult and approach them. Ask them what is going on..why can't you hang out with them. Obviously some insecurities there.. maybe all the girls in the group think you're hot
BTW no need to bite Devil's head off.