POO LA LA! MAN SPEAKS FRENCH OUT OF HIS BUTT
-- And he can't understand a word!
BY D.G. BULGER
LINGUISTS and proctologists from around the world are stunned by a Detroit man's unique gift ... he is able to speak fluent French out of his buttocks.
Jason Jablonski, a 40- year-old furniture salesman, began speaking French out of his butt six months ago and has been unable to stop ever since.
According to medical records, he was awakened one night last January in his bedroom by a strange voice that seemed to be coming from under his sheets.
"I listened, but was afraid to move," explains Jablonski. "I thought an intruder may have gotten into bed with me. I couldn't understand what was being said as it was clearly a foreign speaking voice, and I never took any foreign languages back in school.
"The voice kept saying, 'Vive la France.' Finally I threw off the sheets and turned on a light, only to realize the voice was coming straight out of my rear. I was amused and amazed, if also a bit disgusted" Jablonski then reportedly woke his wife Carol and asked her what she thought of the voice. She was more disgusted and less amused than he was and has subsequently left the country.
Communication experts believe that Jablonski is experiencing Intestinal Linguistic Amplification, or ILA, a rare disorder that allows the afflicted to communicate intestinally with other people.
Dr. Edith Winters, senior fellow at the California Institute of Bowel Abnormalities and an expert in ILA, elaborates, "Most cases of ILA are Type I, or common language, meaning the same language is both spoken and rectally amplified. "The individual will often have conversations with his own buttocks. The most notable example of Type IILA was Edward 'Double- Talk' Peterson who was a successful vaudeville ventriloquist in the 1920s."
"Jablonski's case is quite different. He has Type II ILA, or dual language, which is almost unheard of. It is most astounding that his posterior speaks near perfect French without any formal training, yet he cannot understand a word of what his backdoor voice is saying."
Unfortunately, there is no known cure for ILA, although Jablonski reportedly has not sought help and is actually pleased that he has the disorder. The condition has helped Jablonski occupationally.
He is now the leading salesperson in the furniture department at a popular store in Detroit.
The store draws many French Canadian customers from across the border, which has allowed his buttocks to sharpen its conversational skills.
It also allows Jablonski to aid more than one customer at a time, which helped him earn employee of the month honors for the past three months.
While he is happy with his current job, Jablonski had hoped to use his special gift to launch a new career as a French language schoolteacher.
Unfortunately, that did not work out as he was fired after two substitute-teaching jobs at a local community college.
His state employment record shows that "the students in the classroom were frightened by his unconventional teaching style" and were "unwilling to engage his backside in conversation."
He has subsequently had several interviews at the United Nations and is hoping to gain employment as an interpreter in an embassy in a French speaking country.
"Speaking both for myself and my backside, we would really like to help people with our unique speaking skills," offers Jablonski.
"We would like to make a difference in the world. This gift is a blessing that must be used for a higher purpose."
