1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-> The sound that comes out of your speaker is impossible to hear by normal human ears, but it actually affected his brain directly thus driving him crazy.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
-> The person no matter have how many personalities, only have 1 identity card right? so no.
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
-> same deep, no matter how much water, its still a sea.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
-> if you laughed, would sperm come out of your nose? no right? so, why would milk come out from a cow's nose? no.
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-> you must define the terms before asking, question rejected.
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
-> baby oil comes from dead compressed babies' fat, extracted directly under the skin after the surface area's burnt to crisp.
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
-> cool, so you went for a walk last night and your kids asked you how long you'd be gone so you replied, the whole time. cool.
8. So what's the speed of dark?
-> speed of dark = !(light)
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
-> there are not such things in the world, well, there was but not now.
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
-> 59 minutes and 20 seconds actually.
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
-> why in the world would you think cat like to eat mouse in the first place? they have salmon, tuna and those grand fishes.
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
-> you can wrap it with wrapping paper, or metal plates so to make it "heavy".
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
-> you shine at the sky, not your roof. at most they will see a batman logo hovering above.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
-> because they do that in the movies.
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
-> they reserved parking for normal people instead.
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-> with all their makeup, of cuz not. but den again, what happen to cannibals who happen to be clowns?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
-> we did, well actually the shops did.
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
-> you got it right! and the bait is actually a mouse.
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
-> whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "li" and "p" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
-> you got it, or that because we actually see things inverted, they appeared to be dull but we are soo stupid, we actually saw them as bright.. which is not trye.
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
-> abbv. which idiot ask you to spell it out.
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
-> -100 degrees since 100 degree is boiling point, 0 is freezing point so twice of that should be -100 degrees. but since we have impurities in us, it actually varies.
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
-> because we have chi in our body, if we press harder the remote control have psychic energy and would work better overall.
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
-> nah, we are not that dumb, we throw bombs.
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
-> because those buildings are ready to collapse anytime, because careful where you stay, its all the same.
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
-> the word apartments actually refer to us, the people, since we are apart from each other although its in the same ready to collapse, so we live in buildings, and we have apartments, which keep us apart, thus the name 'apartment".
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
-> they are loving people with full faith in your abilities to work harder to earn that money, its not because they are greedy nor stupid, but because they are doing this to motivate us to work for a better debt free tomorrow. God bless bankers! and saddam too.
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
-> into nothing, whoever say expanding must be something new? it might be diversifying thus slowly thinning out to become nothing, so if it goes the opposite way, it might be consolidating thus new things may actually exists.
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
-> the cab fare is counted by distance, not distance forward, but simply distance.
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
-> it still looks like a chair, been there done dat.
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
-> if "no one" is refering to the other trees, how would they make fun of things that they do not know about? i mean, people do not gossip behind people's back right?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
-> why am i smiling even though i am sad?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
-> if you call it a near hit, than noone would want to be a pilot any longer.
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
-> of course, its just that they don't remember.
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic";?
-> because the word is talking about something else, anything but itself. like some people who know know how to talk other people but themselves.
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-> this interior did not refer to the interior of a building but the interior of an area, which includes outdoor, like the interior of singapore, wouldn't exterior refering to everything not singapore?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
-> the world research originally does not mean looking for something new, what they are searching for are things that already exists, for example, research into a specicies of frogs, although we do not know about this type of frog, but it already exists in nature, so the researchers are not looking for something new but instead something that already exists.
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
-> they eat human souls, thats why when one of those things help people, they will often cry in tears as they offer their souls to be eaten. after that, well, zombies aren't counted as humans right?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
-> its being called into the pen magically, thats why its called pencil, its actually called pen called, which means the ink can be re-called into the pen by the inventor.
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
-> the lid of a jar, is an opening for something to travel across right? so actually, it is counted as a door, just that its small, so when a door is opened slightly, that means its small, its called ajar out of respect to the jar.
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
-> he only believed you because he cannot confirm that, however, he can confirm whether the paint is true by touching it, he can confirm if a pair of boobs r real by touching it, so thats why people do not boast about their boobs in open.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
-> that only proves that Superman is unable to duck bullets, I mean, bullets are so fast and small, how can he duck it? or he is just lazy.
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
-> the opposite of progress is called congress, see what happened to the united states, its a brilliant example.
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
-> lemon juice does not contain artificial ingredients, you've been cheated. on the other case, dishwashing liquid does contain mostly artificial ingredients. i think someone switched your drink dummy.
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
-> because other products got rid of itself before even one usage.
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
-> so we can treat it like a dead horse.
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
-> we are dirty, thats why it got dirtied because of us, so we must treat it with our upmost respect and tender love... juz dun PCC on it, you do not screw everything you love.
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
-> the same reason why we put a brain in a skull.
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-> in case you do not know, the bottom of the bottle is made of a multi billion dollar material called hardened nonstick frying pan.
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
-> yes, they did, thats why the roman empire fell.
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
-> they see little dickheads puking.
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-> cuz jane doesn't like it.
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-> thats why that theory was incorrect, the more possible version is that we may come from a common ancestory, which means, they are our distant relatives. but that is only a theory which means, it can be proven wrong. the above mentioned theory was already proven wrong, so please don't bring it up.
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
-> i would be more worried if the stockbroker marries a lawyer.
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
-> if i cut you up, rip off your bones, and cook you, would you considered an "invertebrate" too?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
-> it seemed so much longer, days become years and years become an eternity. or so some says anyway.
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-> next time, help her to it, she certainly needs help.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-> they answer to their divine authority and work to a greater purpose aka they are fraud dude.
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
-> actually we are trying to save something that does not exists, you were born naked, what face do you have?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
-> bingo, whoever says war is right?
Originally posted by Ah Ma:Thinking thinking big
