I can't stand it anymore and I am feeling miserable inside
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I am feeling bad inside as I do not liked my mother. Her antics, idiosyncrasy and habits are driving me crazy. She is 2 generations earlier than me and she is educated until Primary School. I took that into consideration, but her habits are driving me crazy.
I tried to have patience with her, but I just can't. I do not liked talking to her because she made me pissed off during and after the conversation. Just her luck to have a son like me, and just my luck to have a mother like her. When I was young, she did a lot of things that embarassed me in front of my friends and relatives. When I was in Primary School, she came to see my form teacher and principal, complaining the form teacher wasn't giving me any homework to do, which the form teacher denied, guess what, the form teacher spent his entire morning lesson talking about this and embarrassing me in front of my classmates. She also betrayed my trust as she will not keep secrets well, so thats one of the reason I do not talk to her anymore. She even turned a blind eye when my tutor caned me when I am naughty and did not do my homework, I think she even gave the tutor the green light to cane me as she believes spare the rod, spoil the child. When I asked her many years later why she allowed the tutor to cane me, guess what she said, why didn't you tell me the tutor caned you excuses, which really made my blood boiled to the heap, as she tutored and caned me for about 4 years.
Maybe I should move out of the house soon as I really cannot tahan her, but I am feeling bad inside, after all, she is my mother, who gave birth to me and bring me up. I am caught in having these 2 conflicting emotions inside me, which is making me very agitated and stressed up.
Now that I do not talk to her and it has been for many years, she became nosy parker and likes to spy on me. She once quipped, I do not know what and how you thinks if you never tell me. I have been bitten once 2 many times, as she blurted out what I told her to other people, like my cousin.
I was indignant many years ago when my cousin told me what my mom have told her as it was very personal in nature. From then on, I do not tell her anything about me, and that led me stopped talking to her altogether, which I do not liked conversing with her anyway as she do not listen to what I am saying and interupt just like that. she only listens to what she likes to listen. -
The only problem is in your own head? It does not matter what the reason you are feeling bad inside is. I can point to many people with worse problems but they are not feeling bad inside. Why?Originally posted by marcteng:I am feeling bad inside...
If you can do something about it, then do it. If you cannot, then learn to accept the situation and live with it as best as you can. Time, anyway will solve your problem... unless you come up with new problems to make you feel worse.
Since you posted in BWB, then meditation can help.
Do this, meditate as you walk. Every time you feel bad, take a walk and meditate. Walk along the rivers or if there are none around your place, walk anywhere will do. Wear comfortable t-shirt and walking shoes.
Just get up when you are feeling bad and start walking. -
y post here...shld hav posted at aunt agony mah...more ppl will giv u advise...
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hello.. hmm dont mind my blunt words.
firstly, can u ask urself whthr u still have any love for ur mom, or does she have any love for u? lets assume tt she does, and also cares for u, i guess it is natural for her to want to know how u are doing? (considerin e fact tt u hav not communicated with her regardin tis) i do agree tt it is not very 'correct' of her to share ur private stuff with others, esp if it is personal issues. howeva u shld b aware tt perhaps ur mom does not think tis way? and also, e more u drift away from her, e more she would want to get closer to u agn. aft all she's ur mom!
i do und ur frustratn of ur mom not listenin 2 u. we all do? but hav u tried just tellin her nicely, 'hey, can we agree on only speakin aft the other person is done talking'? it wun hurt to try, yeah. so anw, i tink e reason y she would interrupt u whil u're talkin, is bcos of her 'authority' at home? agn, she's 'mom', so maybe she feels tt she shld talk n u shld listen? tts how i feel the typical mindsets would be, correct me if i'm wrong.
as for the previous issues mentioned in the earlier paras, i tink yes, ur mom is somewhat responsible, but u cant just shift all e blame to her? if u look beyond all these details, u'l c that she has ur interests in mind. if u reli wan 2 blame sum1 (besides urself) for u gettin embarassed in class, how abt the teacher? i don't tink as a professional teacher, he/she is allowed, or should do that. and ur tution teacher? just cos he/she is given the go-ahead to punish u, it doesn mean that he/she Has to do it!
i hope tt tis would b able 2 help u sort out ur thinkin? gd luck man, try 2 bridge e gap. u have nothin 2 lose -
Metta meditation?Originally posted by marcteng:I am feeling bad inside as I do not liked my mother. Her antics, idiosyncrasy and habits are driving me crazy. She is 2 generations earlier than me and she is educated until Primary School. I took that into consideration, but her habits are driving me crazy.
I tried to have patience with her, but I just can't. I do not liked talking to her because she made me pissed off during and after the conversation. Just her luck to have a son like me, and just my luck to have a mother like her. When I was young, she did a lot of things that embarassed me in front of my friends and relatives. When I was in Primary School, she came to see my form teacher and principal, complaining the form teacher wasn't giving me any homework to do, which the form teacher denied, guess what, the form teacher spent hisentire morning lesson talking about this and embarrassing me in front of my classmates. She also betrayed my trust as she will not keep secrets well, so thats one of the reason I do not talk to her anymore. She even turned a blind eye when my tutor caned me when I am naughty and did not do my homework, I think she even gave the tutor the green light to cane me as she believes spare the rod, spoil the child. When I asked her many years later why she allowed the tutor to cane me, guess what she said, why didn't you tell me the tutor caned you excuses, which really made my blood boiled to the heap, as she tutored and caned me for about 4 years.
Maybe I should move out of the house soon as I really cannot tahan her, but I am feeling bad inside, after all, she is my mother, who gave birth to me and bring me up. I am caught in having these 2 conflicting emotions inside me, which is making me very agitated and stressed up.
Now that I do not talk to her and it has been for many years, she became nosy parker and likes to spy on me. She once quipped, I do not know what and how you thinks if you never tell me. I have been bitten once 2 many times, as she blurted out what I told her to other people, like my cousin.
I was indignant many years ago when my cousin told me what my mom have told her as it was very personal in nature. From then on, I do not tell her anything about me, and that led me stopped talking to her altogether, which I do not liked conversing with her anyway as she do not listen to what I am saying and interupt just like that. she only listens to what she likes to listen.
Firstly try to calm yourself down
Say this simple sentence with sincerity:
"May I be well and happy"
Think of a loved one
" May he or she be well and happy "
Think of someone you don't like
"May he or she be well and happy"
Think of the people around you
"May they all be well and happy"
Think of the people in your neighbourhood, far or near
"May they be well and happy"
Think of all sentient beings (i could dedicate this kind thought to all human, animals, insects, ghosts and people who are suffering in hell realms )
"May they be well and happy"
I practise it and it helps me to overcome some negative emotions.
Lastly i wish:
May your mother and you be well and happy
You are a buddhist right? So i should use a buddhist perspective to advise u.
I also hope that you can understand that all human beings are also suffering due to their ignorance. you are suffering due to igorance too. Her way of communication love and care is unskillful. Your mother cares for you. If not, she will not ask why you don't tell her things anymore.
You must also understand that she is lowly educated. Her intention isn't bad so forgive her. You must have also created some problems as a kid to provoke anger.She might not have forget and forgive all these problematic incidents. Remember in buddhist teaching that she is also ignorant and a sentient being who is creating bad karma or planting seeds due to ignorance and anger.
Understand:
Some food for thought to heal the heart:
He abused me, he laughed at me, he struck me. Thus one thinks and so long as one retains such thoughts, one's anger continues. Anger will never disappear so long as there are thoughts of resentment in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. -
I suggest you stay with here, after all your mother is getting old and you as a son has a duty to be filial by taking care of your mother. Lots of people are actually moving to live with their parents or moving closer to their parents in order to take care of them due to their age.
And it is a great opportunity to practise metta and patience. It is impossible to practise this without the right people (people that make you angry and impatient). You cannot practise it with friends. So the more you should have gratitude to such people for giving you an opportunity to improve yourself and cultivate.
It is also important that you put down whatever has happened and focus on fulfilling your duty as a son in being filial. Forgiveness is important. We should also cultivate mindfulness and freedom from the mind.The Power of Forgiveness
Everyone has experienced the sweet release of forgiveness, as well as the hard coldness of not forgiving. You know the difference, and you know the investment in the story that keeps a lack of forgiveness in place. You also know the relief when you actually forgive and let go of the burden.
Our parents were not perfect. They consciously or unconsciously did things that were harmful to us, as our grandparents did things that were harmful to our parents. Our lovers, our children, our governments, and our competing tribes have harmed us. Now is the time to forgive.
Horrible things are continually being done all over the planet, in our own individual minds and in the collective mind. To forgive these horrors does not necessarily mean to forget. You can forgive and let go without forgetting. A huge learning and humbling occurs when you are willing to see the story of humanity in all of its horrors. Yet you can also recognize how much effort is needed to hang on to the story. You can see that all the effort and attention put into hanging on are already a meditation on not forgiving. The stories continue to replay, with an obsession over what should have been done or what might be done again. Continuing to replay the story saps your energy. It is exhausting.
I honor the need to remember and to witness the horror that has been done and ist still being done. But usually we bring to that memory more hatred, suffering, and misery, which ensures even more hatred, suffering, and misery.
After the war in Yugoslavia in 1999, I saw a news clip of a home video filmed by a man who said he was making the video so that his children could see what had been done to them, and so that they would never forget or forgive. The horrors occurring at that time were themselves in retaliation for what one group of people had previously done to the other.
The futility and the waste of this kind of tribal warfare is going on within our own minds as well: "I'm not going to let go of what they did to me because it was wrong."
Yes, wrongs have been done and are still being done. There is no need to forget or deny the wrongs that have been done both to you and by you, but you can let go of suffering over them. "Forgive them, for they know not that they do" is the truth. Any war that is going on because of what happened yesterday is the result of ignorance, of holding on to some idea of revenge.
It is very tempting to hold on to these kinds of views because there is some pleasure in it, and that pleasure must be recognized. It is the pleasure of egoic righteousness.
When you are unwilling to forgive, and you are holding on to a story of your suffering and who did it to you, you are cursing them, whether consciously or unconsciously. You must be willing to stop the karma within yourself, be willing to say, "No, this time it goes no further than me." This is the willingness to be at peace. The willingness to forgive is a natural outgrowth of the willingness to be free, and gives you the clarity to recognize the temptation to hold on.
I once called my mother on Mother's Day. My mother was a sarcastic and mean alcoholic. Alcohol was poisoning her, shifting her whole personality. I had had some space from her for years, and I decided one year that I would call her on Mother's Day and simply lie to her and tell her what a great mother she was. She was old and sick, and she didn't have many years left, so why not? I called her and told her what a great mother she had been to me, and as the words came out of my mouth, they were true. I didn't mean she had treated me well, because she hasn't. I didn't mean her intentions were great; sometimes they were, and sometimes they weren't. But as I told her that she had been a good mother, my life experience was finally augmented by my relationship with this very difficult woman. My difficulty with my mother finally contributed to the richness of my life. In that sense, she was indeed a good mother.
What a relief there was in telling her this. Concurrently, my ability to forigve myself for having hated her for so many years arose. It was such a simple act. I had no idea I would see such ramifications of healing.
finally, to be able to forgive this whole experience of humanity, with all of its functions, drives, aggressions, and desires, is to recognize what is untouched by any of that, what remains pure, innocent, and free even in the grossest of stories.
In our desire to hold on to revenge, we actually keep ourselves from the experience of freedom. As with everything else, in our desire to hold on to one thing, we keep something else away. In the desire to give something, we actually receive.
You can inquire directly within: What am I not willing to forgive? As you do this, you find another opportunity to bring to consciousness what is not consciously seen, what might still be holding your mind in bondage. No effort is needed here, only the willingness to be completely honest.
Once you have honestly seen what you are not willing to forgive, you might also find it helpful to ask yourself: What am I willing to forgive?
Recognize forgiveness and savor it for a moment. It is important not to force anything, just to welcome all into the heart of consciousness. Can you forgive? Can you accept forgiveness?
~ Gangajiwww.shambhalasun.com/Archives/Features/2002/May02/packer.htm
...The listening to, the awaring of the me-story is
not part of the me. Awareness is not part of that network. The network
cannot witness itself. It can think about itself and even change itself,
establish new behavior patterns, but it cannot see itself or free itself.
There is a whole psychological science called behavior modification that,
through reward and punishment, tries to drop undesirable habits and adopt
better, more sociable ones. This is not what we're talking about. The
seeing, the awaring of the me movement is not part of the me movement.
A moment during a visit with my parents in
Switzerland comes to mind. I had always had a difficult relationship with my
mother. I had been afraid of her. She was a very passionate woman with lots
of anger, but also love. Once during that visit I saw her standing in the
dining room facing me. She was just standing there, and for no known reason
I suddenly saw her without the past. There was no image of her, and also no
idea of what she saw in me. All that was gone. There was nothing left except
pure love for this woman. Such beauty shone out of her. And our relationship
changed; there was a new closeness. No one changed it. It just happened.
Truly seeing is freeing beyond imagination.
~ Toni Packer -
Get more friends then you don't have to talk to your mother so often.
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Arrr....suat.
My earlier postings was scarcastic.
Threadstarter, you are not alone with your kind of mother.
And I am speaking from experience of a 33 year old.
Learn to move out, or kick her out. -
mm can u stand in the shoes of the mother?Originally posted by viciouskitty74:Arrr....suat.
My earlier postings was scarcastic.
Threadstarter, you are not alone with your kind of mother.
And I am speaking from experience of a 33 year old.
Learn to move out, or kick her out.
I don't wish to comment much about the above paragraph.
I hope you are truly feeling comfortable, not cynical and not frustrated.
I wish u well and happy. -
In Buddhism there are karmic consequences.Originally posted by viciouskitty74:Arrr....suat.
My earlier postings was scarcastic.
Threadstarter, you are not alone with your kind of mother.
And I am speaking from experience of a 33 year old.
Learn to move out, or kick her out.
It is a duty of every child to take care of their parent at the best of their ability. -
Trust me, life was so much better after kicking her out.Originally posted by Isis:I wish u well and happy.
It took me a while to adjust, but I was so much thankful for folks/friends who understood my difficulties and was thankful to them for being happy for my sake as well as cheering me up.
Of course, there is still the issue of my flat where she is still praying hard for me to die so she can inherit it.
Well, she will be getting it, just not so soon.....and not as she ordered me to.
In the meantime, she can continue irritating her beloved favourite son which she gave everything for.
I am learning to enjoy my life before she gets her well deserved little flat that is fully paid for by her own daughter's sweat & blood.
Yes, I am cynical. Because when you have ever stand at the edge of your 9th floor corridor and looking down at the wet grass and comptemplaing whether you can truly die.
And your mother is at the back, on the phone screaming on the phone to others and edging you on to jump. It isnt hard to be non cynical. But time, hopefully will cure that. -
Then so be it.Originally posted by An Eternal Now:In Buddhism there are karmic consequences.
It is a duty of every child to take care of their parent at the best of their ability.
She is given the best options, when she so wants to be with her son. I've released her to be with her beloved.
I'm blessed for that act I am sure.
You guys have totally no idea what neurotic parents can do but do knows how to preach? -
try metta bhavana?
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Yes in any of such cases metta practise is the best.Originally posted by LinYu:try metta bhavana? -
Whats that?Originally posted by LinYu:try metta bhavana?
Please guide.
I newbie. -
shouldnt we be uprooting the anger first before clouding everything over with metta?
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If your mother is already well taken care of then its fine. Still, do try your best to support your mother in whatever ways possible. It is a great way of cultivating blessings.Originally posted by viciouskitty74:Then so be it.
She is given the best options, when she so wants to be with her son. I've released her to be with her beloved.
I'm blessed for that act I am sure.
You guys have totally no idea what neurotic parents can do but do knows how to preach?
Anyway my dharma center will be playing a VCD on my dharma teacher's talk on parents relationship with children. She has spoken the problems faced by both sides (both parents, and children), and next she offered solutions and how each other should treat each other.
The talk was given by my dharma teacher (who is local) in Australia (she was invited there). The feedback was that it was very good so I hope more people can join. Many people were touched and many who were not close to their parents or even dislike their parents actually called home to speak to their mother/etc. I will post more details when I receive it about the date. It is in January next year.
Both parents and sons and daughters ought to watch
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Metta is a great way to uproot anger through transformation.Originally posted by Cenarious:shouldnt we be uprooting the anger first before clouding everything over with metta? -
This website is resourceful: http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htmOriginally posted by viciouskitty74:Whats that?
Please guide.
I newbie. -
Try lookin at your signature.Originally posted by Cenarious:shouldnt we be uprooting the anger first before clouding everything over with metta?
I believe LinYu's suggesstion is for everyone. -
thread starter, you need a break.
Bring yourself out of the house, should you feel frustration rises. Take deep breaths, and if you can manage it, bring yourself to a meditation group and try for some peace and quiet there.
They are only temporary reliefs, and until you can break away and then later deal with your mother with a more neutral emotions. Do so.
And yes, time will age and change some people. Give your mother some time to settle into her old age.
And it might be her menopause hitting her, it may last for 5 years where she is over dramatic or discomfort becos of her ages.
And you are not alone. -
That is a sound suggestion... but I am not sure if his mother is like yours, have other daughters/sons to take care of him. If the mother lives alone and has nobody else to take care of, one should do the responsible thing. It depends on the situation. Eventually hopefully one can take care of the parent himself.Originally posted by viciouskitty74:thread starter, you need a break.
Bring yourself out of the house, should you feel frustration rises. Take deep breaths, and if you can manage it, bring yourself to a meditation group and try for some peace and quiet there.
They are only temporary reliefs, and until you can break away and then later deal with your mother with a more neutral emotions. Do so.
And yes, time will age and change some people. Give your mother some time to settle into her old age.
And it might be her menopause hitting her, it may last for 5 years where she is over dramatic or discomfort becos of her ages.
And you are not alone.
And yes in fact we should have Sheng4 Jie3.. means to see things in a larger, saintly perspective. For example if husband/wife come back and scold us, we should think "he/she must have had a very bad day at work and thus had bad mood"... lots of things aren't just like what we think and there are some other reasons. So we should forgive them and see them in a different light. -
Taking care, does not mean having to be physically there all the time.
Its like those caregivers. They feel stress too.
And its little mercy, they gets, to get away and take a break before they are burned out and turns abusive with difficult patients. -
+1Originally posted by xShevchenkox:y post here...shld hav posted at aunt agony mah...more ppl will giv u advise...
on a second thought, maybe the reason of why you post it here, is because you still want to be a filal child.
am i correct to say that? -
More:Originally posted by An Eternal Now:And yes in fact we should have Sheng4 Jie3.. means to see things in a larger, saintly perspective. For example if husband/wife come back and scold us, we should think "he/she must have had a very bad day at work and thus had bad mood"... lots of things aren't just like what we think and there are some other reasons. So we should forgive them and see them in a different light.The stick itself is used by the person, so therefore there is no point in getting angry at the stick. Similarly, the person's body, speech and mind are completely used by the anger, by the delusion. The person's body, speech and mind become like a slave, completely used as a tool of the anger. The person themself has no freedom at all -- no freedom at all. So therefore, since the person has no freedom at all, they should become an object of our compassion. Not only that, one must take responsibility to pacify that person's anger. By whatever means you can find, help the person's mind, pacify the anger; even if there is nothing you can do, pray to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha to pacify the person's mind.
~ Lama Zopa RinpocheThe Power To Choose
What about all those people who, it seems, actually want to suffer? I have a friend whose partner is physically abusive toward her, and her previous relationship was of a similar kind. Why does she choose such men, and why is she refusing to get out of that situation now? Why do so many people actually choose pain?
I know that the word choose is a favorite New Age term, but it isn't entirely accurate in this context. It is misleading to say that somebody "chose" a dysfunctional relationship or any other negative situation in his or her life. Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Until you reach that point, you are unconscious, spiritually speaking. This means that you are compelled to think, feel, and act in certain ways according to the conditioning of your mind. That is why Jesus said: "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." This is not related to intelligence in the conventional sense of the word. I have met many highly intelligent and educated people who were also completely unconscious, which is to say com-pletely identified with their mind. In fact, if mental development and increased knowledge are not counterbalanced by a corresponding growth in consciousness, the potential for unhappiness and disaster is very great.
Your friend is stuck in a relationship with an abusive partner, and not for the first time. Why? No choice. The mind, conditioned as it is by the past, always seeks to re-create what it knows and is familiar with. Even if it is painful, at least it is familiar. The mind always adheres to the known. The unknown is dangerous because it has no control over it. That's why the mind dislikes and ignores the present moment. Present-moment awareness creates a gap not only in the stream of mind but also in the past-future continuum. Nothing truly new and creative can come into this world except through that gap, that clear space of infinite possibility.
So your friend, being identified with her mind, may be re-creating a pattern learned in the past in which intimacy and abuse are inseparably linked. Alternatively, she may be acting out a mind pattern learned in early childhood according to which she is unworthy and deserves to be punished. It is possible, too, that she lives a large part of her life through the pain-body, which always seeks more pain on which to feed. Her partner has his own unconscious patterns, which complement hers. Of course her situation is self created, but who or what is the self that is doing the creating? A
mental-emotional pattern from the past, no more. Why make a self out of it? If you tell her that she has chosen her condition or situation, you are reinforcing her state of mind identification. But is her mind pattern who she is? Is it her self? Is her true identity derived from the past? Show your friend how to be the observing presence behind her thoughts and her emotions. Tell her about the pain-body and how to free herself from it. Teach her the art of inner-body awareness. Demonstrate to her the meaning of presence. As soon as she is able to access the power of the Now, and thereby break through her conditioned past, she will have a choice.
Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life.
Similarly, if you are one of the many people who have an issue with their parents, if you still harbor resentment about something they did or did not do, then you still believe that they had a choice - that they could have acted differently. It always looks as if people had a choice, but that is an illusion. As long as your mind with its condi-tioned patterns runs your life, as long as you are your mind, what choice do you have? None. You are not even there. The mind-identified state is severely dysfunctional. It is a form of insanity. Almost everyone is suffering from this illness in varying degrees. The moment you realize this, there can be no more resentment. How can you resent someone's illness? The only appropriate response is compassion.
~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now