how not to be affected by angry people?
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ok this happens today.
I'm grateful for my mother whom had done alot for me. However, i find her easily kan cheong / anxious easily. She get mad easily and cursing people. Sometime i find her bases for getting angry is due to some work & home stress + the small little things. Sometime, she get insensitive with her words- > it gets on my nerve.
Even i talk to her about it. It is very hard for me to talk to her cos' i will get angry too. I will get even more angerier when she isn't listening at all. Even though she listens, she continues to make the same mistakes.
When her temper get hotter, she gets nastier with her words. I can't stand it.
sometime, i admit i'm at fault but her attitude isn't making any better when i try to apologise. She isn't a easy person to please. Neither does she encourages people.
As much as i'm trying to keep myself cool. it is very difficult for me to get along with someone with very bad temper and not listening.
it kinda of eating into me now... im not only angry now and feeling sad at the same time.
i'm considering avoiding her by taking refuge in my hostel for the time being. -
My concern is that your mom may interpret your decision to stay in a hostel as forsaking her... and that this may cause her a lot of hurt.
Maybe you can still stay with her under the same roof but avoid prolonged contact with her. Eg... Stay in your own room and close the door etc. Might also be useful to constantly remind yourself of your mom's good points instead of continually dwelling on her bad points.
Suggestion only... every household and every individual and circumstances is different. You might not want to follow my (or anyone else's) advice fully. -
this situation reminds me of me & my father's relationship when i was younger. because both of our temper are equally nasty & hot and because of stubborn-ness & the unwillingness to give in to each other. both of us were stuck to the self that seems to be the only one suffering from the anger, harsh words, actions & intent that it can lead to overlooking other's feelings in a moment of heat. we only started to get along very well during my dad's last days.Originally posted by Isis:ok this happens today.
I'm grateful for my mother whom had done alot for me. However, i find her easily kan cheong / anxious easily. She get mad easily and cursing people. Sometime i find her bases for getting angry is due to some work & home stress + the small little things. Sometime, she get insensitive with her words- > it gets on my nerve.
Even i talk to her about it. It is very hard for me to talk to her cos' i will get angry too. I will get even more angerier when she isn't listening at all. Even though she listens, she continues to make the same mistakes.
When her temper get hotter, she gets nastier with her words. I can't stand it.
sometime, i admit i'm at fault but her attitude isn't making any better when i try to apologise. She isn't a easy person to please. Neither does she encourages people.
As much as i'm trying to keep myself cool. it is very difficult for me to get along with someone with very bad temper and not listening.
it kinda of eating into me now... im not only angry now and feeling sad at the same time.
i'm considering avoiding her by taking refuge in my hostel for the time being.
but, isis, no matter what hope you don't forsake your mum.
try to understand the stress she's going through. she may not understand yours but its alright.
time will mold out the patience.
the storm can never go on forever also.
i also wish you well.
i'm not any good daughter myself and so i can't give any enlightening advices or consolation. -
Hi.. To be frank i had a very bad cold war with her previously. i think i deliberately avoided seein and talking to her for more than six months.
Becos of this, she actually took some time to reflect and adjusted attitude.
Sometime, we might need to take some drastic actions, however, i think im lucky enough that my mum isn't that super prideful and has actually reflected.
and becos of this cold war, i had started to really appreciate what is a family. By avoiding clashes with her and i had soon forgetten some of the things that she had done. My heart started to heal partially.
But no matter what had happened, she really DID done alot of things for me. I should be feeling tremendously grateful. Infact i really do.
but i still find myself subconciously get influenced by her hot temper manners. This bothers me.. it brings me up and down mood. I'm still a normal human being whom feels.
Though i have tried to shift my perspective to a more postive and constructive one.. like for example to take this chance to hone my patience to battle her impatience. It is still very hard for me as she is my mum.. someone whom is closet to me. -
How does a lobotomy sound to you, because that seems to be the only way for people to truly change. Otherwise you just got to live with it. So please value people as they are.Originally posted by Isis:Hi.. To be frank i had a very bad cold war with her previously. i think i deliberately avoided seein and talking to her for more than six months.
Becos of this, she actually took some time to reflect and adjusted attitude.
Sometime, we might need to take some drastic actions, however, i think im lucky enough that my mum isn't that super prideful and has actually reflected.
and becos of this cold war, i had started to really appreciate what is a family. By avoiding clashes with her and i had soon forgetten some of the things that she had done. My heart started to heal partially.
But no matter what had happened, she really DID done alot of things for me. I should be feeling tremendously grateful. Infact i really do.
but i still find myself subconciously get influenced by her hot temper manners. This bothers me.. it brings me up and down mood. I'm still a normal human being whom feels.
Though i have tried to shift my perspective to a more postive and constructive one.. like for example to take this chance to hone my patience to battle her impatience. It is still very hard for me as she is my mum.. someone whom is closet to me. -
1. pwn her with facts
2. send her to a counsellor -
Hi Isis,Originally posted by Isis:Hi.. To be frank i had a very bad cold war with her previously. i think i deliberately avoided seein and talking to her for more than six months.
Becos of this, she actually took some time to reflect and adjusted attitude.
Sometime, we might need to take some drastic actions, however, i think im lucky enough that my mum isn't that super prideful and has actually reflected.
and becos of this cold war, i had started to really appreciate what is a family. By avoiding clashes with her and i had soon forgetten some of the things that she had done. My heart started to heal partially.
But no matter what had happened, she really DID done alot of things for me. I should be feeling tremendously grateful. Infact i really do.
but i still find myself subconciously get influenced by her hot temper manners. This bothers me.. it brings me up and down mood. I'm still a normal human being whom feels.
Though i have tried to shift my perspective to a more postive and constructive one.. like for example to take this chance to hone my patience to battle her impatience. It is still very hard for me as she is my mum.. someone whom is closet to me.
It is indeed hard to communicate to someone so close when such conflict had happened. Let me share something with you.
I still remembered the time when my mum and I had the same conflict. She's hot-tempered and would pick at every little thing I do. I shouted at her many times and went into cold wars on and off which lasted couple of months to one whole year. I did not have a hostel to seek refuge and I did all these right at home. My father was at a lost because one is his son and the other his wife. Sometimes during these periods of cold wars, my mum and dad would have long talks in their room into the wee hours at night about why I'm this way. I could even hear her cry sometimes
It was later on that I realised that the way she behaved is not what she wants. She just wants the best for me and for everyone. I stopped the last cold war slowly by talking to her and opening up my heart to her telling her how I felt. She was still hot-tempered but I guess it was her characteristic and I have to learn to be patience and be in her shoes. Haha, this cultivation of patience took a few years! But I'm glad I did so because now she's no longer hot-tempered and I do not have anymore cold wars with her.
My 2 cents opinion is that even with cold wars and seek refuge elsewhere will bring no solutions becasue the problem still exist and will come to you again. I do understand it is not easy to be patience but do take small steps at a time. Whenever you get angry with her, just think of all the good things she had done for you and your family. Bring her out for dinner often. Talk heart to heart more with her. If talking to her is difficult, then care for her more. If you are still in hostel, just call home more often just to check if she had her dinner or what she had for dinner. If it is cold at night just remind her to keep warm. If she is sick, remind her to take medication and so on. Small small actions counts. Hope that this will work for you and may you find peace and happiness soon.
Cherrio -
Maybe u should tell ur problem to a third party.(family member/ relatives/ frens that ur mum trust or listen to. Avoiding ur mum wont solve anything in fact it will make matter worst.
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They certainly can change if they practise the dharma.Originally posted by Herzog_Zwei:How does a lobotomy sound to you, because that seems to be the only way for people to truly change. Otherwise you just got to live with it. So please value people as they are. -
Is your mother a Buddhist? If she is not you may want to gradually try to promote Buddhist teachings to her. Of course you yourself must be a good example. It is a great merit as well to be able to give the gift of dharma to your parents, or to lead them to Buddhism. It is saying in the sutras that even if you carry your parents on your back for three thousands years (is it 3000 years or what?) you will still be unable to repay the kindness. My dharma teacher told me I had to lead my father to Buddhism in the future... my mother was the one who led me to Buddhism but she was unable to do the same to my father.Originally posted by Isis:ok this happens today.
I'm grateful for my mother whom had done alot for me. However, i find her easily kan cheong / anxious easily. She get mad easily and cursing people. Sometime i find her bases for getting angry is due to some work & home stress + the small little things. Sometime, she get insensitive with her words- > it gets on my nerve.
Even i talk to her about it. It is very hard for me to talk to her cos' i will get angry too. I will get even more angerier when she isn't listening at all. Even though she listens, she continues to make the same mistakes.
When her temper get hotter, she gets nastier with her words. I can't stand it.
sometime, i admit i'm at fault but her attitude isn't making any better when i try to apologise. She isn't a easy person to please. Neither does she encourages people.
As much as i'm trying to keep myself cool. it is very difficult for me to get along with someone with very bad temper and not listening.
it kinda of eating into me now... im not only angry now and feeling sad at the same time.
i'm considering avoiding her by taking refuge in my hostel for the time being.
Giving dharma is much better... the Buddha left planet earth for 3 months to Trayatrimsha Heaven to teach the dharma to her mother as well. His father also attained enlightenment and entered into Nirvana. When your parents know the dharma, more people in your family know the dharma, gradually your family will have the Buddhist culture factor, and gradually your mother's behaviors will improve as well.
In the meantime, you can practise extra mindfulness and metta (loving kindness) practise. You can also reflect on the happy times with your mother and know that whatever afflictive emotions that is appearing now is merely a conditioning of her deep rooted ignorance and afflictions, and she has no control over them. Know every such occassion to be an opportunity to practise metta and patience. To practise the Four Immeasurables. The Dalai Lama said, "We cannot learn real patience and tolerance from a guru or a friend. They can be practiced only when we come in contact with someone who creates unpleasant experiences. According to Shantideva, enemies are really good for us as we can learn a lot from them and build our inner strength." But not only enemies, parents are also very good opportunity to practise dharma. And this is universal, you are definitely not alone, we get into these problems most often with parents. We seldom get these problems with friends or strangers.
Mindfulness is important, in fact mindfulness is the essential practise of Buddhism. All practitioners should strive to maintain mindfulness as far as their ability, and if they fail, they should make a resolution to improve their mindfulness skills. Also, without mindfulness, there can be little achievements/attainments in Buddhism. Without mindfulness skill, the mind easily gets swayed into thoughts and emotions by its environment and the people around him.
Mindfulness is important because the moment you are mindful, everything is just seen as it is without any mental interpretation and judgement. Even anger and emotion is seen as it is, but the mind is no longer stuck on the content and story. Mindfulness is like a mirror that reflects everything, it rejects none, yet holds onto none. A mirror does not discriminate what to reflect, whether something/someone is good or bad.. so be the mirror-like awareness, be mindful, see things as it is.
It is also good to contemplate emptiness:http://www.lamayeshe.com/lamazopa/anger.shtml
Another thing that is very good is what Pabongka Rinpoche explains in Liberation in the Palm of Your Hand: generally speaking one doesn't get angry at the stick that the person used to beat you. The stick itself is used by the person, so therefore there is no point in getting angry at the stick. Similarly, the person's body, speech and mind are completely used by the anger, by the delusion. The person's body, speech and mind become like a slave, completely used as a tool of the anger. The person themself has no freedom at all—no freedom at all. So therefore, since the person has no freedom at all, they should become an object of our compassion. Not only that, one must take responsibility to pacify that person's anger. By whatever means you can find, help the person's mind, pacify the anger; even if there is nothing you can do, pray to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha to pacify the person's mind. -
�l‰ÆŸƒ‰ä, ‰ä•s‹N
den smth smth 4got liao. -
Sorry.. sgForums can't read Chinese.. can you say the han yu pin yin?Originally posted by carlsonxjd:�l‰ÆŸƒ‰ä, ‰ä•s‹N
den smth smth 4got liao. -
Even a simple thing like a Mirror can teach a lot about mindfulness.
http://www.wuji.com/Classics/mirror.htm
Wisdom of the Great Round Mirror
First
A mirror will reflect absolutely any object which comes before its surface, it will not refuse any object, all are equally accepted.
Second
There exists no distinction between good and evil, big and small, beauty and ugliness for the mirror. The mirror reflects things as mountains and oceans, in the same way it will reflect a tiny insect. This is equality of acceptance, there exists no value judgment, definition or concept, only the object is reflected.
Third
The mirror reflects the mountain as a mountain, and the ocean as an ocean, it accepts things as they are without changing them.
Fourth
The mirror never keeps or sticks to a reflection after the object is removed. It returns to its peaceful state ready to reflect anything that comes up, not attached to anything.
Cultivate your mind like a mirror.
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http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind13.htm (readers pls do read the entire article if you haven't, it's v well written)
....Mindfulness is mirror-thought. It reflects only what is presently happening and in exactly the way it is happening. There are no biases........
The only thing lacking in this mirror analogy is this..
....Mindfulness is participatory observation. The meditator is both participant and observer at one and the same time. If one watches one's emotions or physical sensations, one is feeling them at that very same moment. Mindfulness is not an intellectual awareness. It is just awareness. The mirror-thought metaphor breaks down here. Mindfulness is objective, but it is not cold or unfeeling. It is the wakeful experience of life, an alert participation in the ongoing process of living...
Also the mirror might not be able to bring out the essence of non duality... so there is always another stage which might be known as breaking the mirror. Regarding this deeper level, do refer to the latter posts in Non-dual and karmic patterns -
Then the dharma must be wrong for if people change their very nature then they are not who they are.Originally posted by An Eternal Now:They certainly can change if they practise the dharma.
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Amituofo Isis,
my 1 cents suggestion that will work, is what ever you do, be it avoiding her, just generate the bodhicitta heart/mind, especially of the 3 kind, stress more on the transfering mind.
"Sternly" generate, "May ALL my merits and virtue help Her(your mom) Gain Realisation and free from suffering!"
Great Sutra mentioned of absolute confident, Contemplation Sutra mentioned the 3 mind, Amitabha Sutra mentioned the wholehearted mind.
Contemplation Sutra did mentioned of 3 kinds of bodhicitta.
1) absolute true sincere mind
2) absolute faithful mind
3) transfering mind
ps: our original mind is Utmost compassionate.
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Thank you all : )
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May all be well and happy.[/u] -
Originally posted by sinweiy:
i just want to add some thing here..
Amituofo Isis,
my 1 cents suggestion that will work, is what ever you do, be it avoiding her, just generate the bodhicitta heart/mind, especially of the 3 kind, stress more on the [b]transfering mind.
"Sternly" generate, "May ALL my merits and virtue help Her(your mom) Gain Realisation and free from suffering!"
Great Sutra mentioned of absolute confident, Contemplation Sutra mentioned the 3 mind, Amitabha Sutra mentioned the wholehearted mind.
Contemplation Sutra did mentioned of 3 kinds of bodhicitta.
1) absolute true sincere mind
2) absolute faithful mind
3) transfering mind
ps: our original mind is Utmost compassionate.
/\
[/b]
When i practise metta meditation, i also noticed a change of not just thought but also attitude towards other human beings.
By having sincere thought of transfering merits to others, we are also practising giving. Giving is a joy not only for the receiver but also the one who gives. -
Originally posted by An Eternal Now:
Interesting article. /\.
Even a simple thing like a Mirror can teach a lot about mindfulness.
http://www.wuji.com/Classics/mirror.htm
[b]Wisdom of the Great Round Mirror
First
A mirror will reflect absolutely any object which comes before its surface, it will not refuse any object, all are equally accepted.
Second
There exists no distinction between good and evil, big and small, beauty and ugliness for the mirror. The mirror reflects things as mountains and oceans, in the same way it will reflect a tiny insect. This is equality of acceptance, there exists no value judgment, definition or concept, only the object is reflected.
Third
The mirror reflects the mountain as a mountain, and the ocean as an ocean, it accepts things as they are without changing them.
Fourth
The mirror never keeps or sticks to a reflection after the object is removed. It returns to its peaceful state ready to reflect anything that comes up, not attached to anything.
Cultivate your mind like a mirror.
------------------
http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind13.htm (readers pls do read the entire article if you haven't, it's v well written)
....Mindfulness is mirror-thought. It reflects only what is presently happening and in exactly the way it is happening. There are no biases........
The only thing lacking in this mirror analogy is this..
....Mindfulness is participatory observation. The meditator is both participant and observer at one and the same time. If one watches one's emotions or physical sensations, one is feeling them at that very same moment. Mindfulness is not an intellectual awareness. It is just awareness. The mirror-thought metaphor breaks down here. Mindfulness is objective, but it is not cold or unfeeling. It is the wakeful experience of life, an alert participation in the ongoing process of living...
Also the mirror might not be able to bring out the essence of non duality... so there is always another stage which might be known as breaking the mirror. Regarding this deeper level, do refer to the latter posts in Non-dual and karmic patterns[/b]
With acceptance and non-attachment come with peace - isis.
I had attended a talk by a venerable who was speaking on gratitude.
She had mentioned about giving the gift of dharma to her grandmother. She had mentioned about using skillful methods when bringing our kins to the dharma. It is effective tat way.
Thanks : ) -
Originally posted by Isis:
yes, it's like metta meditation. works for me, though it might take some time. just continue doing.
i just want to add some thing here..
When i practise metta meditation, i also noticed a change of not just thought but also attitude towards other human beings.
Similarly if and when practise the above, i'm also practising compassion.
/\ -
Originally posted by Isis:
Yes. Since Diamond Sutra is being discussed nowadays on Skype (it'll be good if you can join the next session's sharing, the topic will be on 'no-form'), I would like to share something simple about it:
Interesting article. /\.
With acceptance and non-attachment come with peace - isis.In cultivation we seek to let go of the Three Minds [2] and eliminate the Four Forms [3]. At the time of practising this method, the mind of the past, the present and the future does not exist. Furthermore, the ego-form, human-form, sentient being-form and time-form are also non-existent.
[2] The Three Minds: (i) the past is gone and cannot be grasped. (ii) After this moment, the present becomes past and also cannot be grasped. (iii) The future is not here yet and therefore cannot be grasped too.
[3] The four forms: Form – Characteristics; (i) Everybody has an ego, this is the ego- form. (ii) When we see another person, we arise in our mind the human-form. (iii) When thoughts arise in our mind, we produce the sentient being-form in our mind. (iv) The continuity of these thoughts through time gives rise to the time-form.I had attended a talk by a venerable who was speaking on gratitude.
Yes skillful means is needed for everything to be successful
She had mentioned about giving the gift of dharma to her grandmother. She had mentioned about using skillful methods when bringing our kins to the dharma. It is effective tat way.
Thanks : ) -
also, like in the other thread on vegetarian, it also helps generate metta(loving kindness) which will help to 'purify' the agitated enviroment around us. or if u believe payoff our karmic depts.
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Thanks AEN for sharing of "the mirror" concept. I find it very interesting.
Cherrio -
I also face same problem, my mom is just a pain, when she is in the house, i avoid her by going to my room or somewhere where I can avoid her, I have my reasons for avoiding her.
Everytime I am watching telly in the living room, she would just open her bedroom door and sorta peek or dunno what she is doing, without coming out, especially in the wee hours of morning when I am watching soccer. I was so cheesed off whenever she does that, so I told her off, you want to come out, just come out, kinda irritating when she does that, telling her this a zillion times to no avail.
her type of character and personality very difficult for the new generation to get along, as they have their odd and wierd habits, especially when it comes to hygiene. The reason I have stopped talking to her is this, I will get more anger and frustration after that, so why bother in the first place. -
Have u examine your reaction to her action? What caused the aversion and dislike? Observe clearly... this is the arising of the 'self'.Originally posted by marcteng:I also face same problem, my mom is just a pain, when she is in the house, i avoid her by going to my room or somewhere where I can avoid her, I have my reasons for avoiding her.
Everytime I am watching telly in the living room, she would just open her bedroom door and sorta peek or dunno what she is doing, without coming out, especially in the wee hours of morning when I am watching soccer. I was so cheesed off whenever she does that, so I told her off, you want to come out, just come out, kinda irritating when she does that, telling her this a zillion times to no avail.
her type of character and personality very difficult for the new generation to get along, as they have their odd and wierd habits, especially when it comes to hygiene. The reason I have stopped talking to her is this, I will get more anger and frustration after that, so why bother in the first place.
What you have just described is the 'sense of self'.