Yesterday I read a chapter from 'The Silent Question: Meditating in the Stillness of Not-Knowing" by Toni Packer which I think is very good so I'm typing this out for sharing (I'm a fast typer so it's easy):
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Loneliness"We mistakenly feel that our story is our true home, and when it is not present, there is the sad feeling of missing something. Let’s be careful not to linger with the sadness of loss and loneliness – not to make that part of our story. Simply feel it in the body and leave it alone – staying with open listening and wondering. Wondering is a marvellous antidote to the suffering of loneliness!"
Participant: IÂ’d like to talk a bit about loneliness related to seeing oneÂ’s life as a movie. In my own experience, when I start seeing my life as a dream or movie, it brings with it a different type of loneliness than just the everyday loneliness. ItÂ’s something that goes all the way to the bone.
Toni Packer: To the bone. Yes.
Participant: ThereÂ’s some sort of tremendous resistance to that, a great fear that something is being lost when we do that.
Toni: When we see our life as a movie.
Participant: Yeah.
Toni: As having a quality of unreality.
Participant: Right. ThereÂ’s some sense that one starts to see the world as being oneÂ’s own making, enclosed in oneÂ’s own concepts. ItÂ’s like one is completely alone, maybe not really contacting anything genuinely...
Toni: Not really contact anything in a genuine, real way. But where does that “Sense” come from? From a thought, a mental evaluation like “Maybe I’m not genuinely contacting things, I’m not in touch with reality, I’m locked into my own creation!” Is that what is going on? Reflections like these can create feelings of loneliness, despair, depression, or whatever mood may accompany them.
Maybe itÂ’s true that we
are locked in mental creations! But words and concepts used to describe experiences are
not the real thing, even though they create palpable moods.
When someone says, “See the world as a movie,” it means, “See and understand ‘the world’ as the content of a mental story.” The “I” plays an enormously important part in all our stories. It is the central doer and owner – the one who wins and loses, enjoys and suffers!
But in the midst of the story there can also be a sudden coming to – a fresh wondering if there can be a different way of being here, of listening, looking, and doing things that does not arise out of a story-world created by self-centered thinking.
So the new question is, “Is there a ‘world’ that is not created by the story-creating mind?” When the story-creating mind lets up, everything turns out to be very simple – just birds calling, cool fog touching the eyes, the skin, and the warmth in this room full of people. Whatever is experienced directly, wholly, is not a creation of the mind. It’s what’s right here without thought entanglement, without evaluation. Just rain dripping on the wooden deck – drip, drip, drip. Breathing in and out, in and out, body expanding, contracting, energy throbbing throughout the body – every moment a miracle without the interference of thoughts!
So in this “mood of loneliness” – you describe it quite well in saying “it feels as though something is being lost” – well, maybe what’s lost is the
illusion that I’ve been in touch with what’s real! Now you suddenly see it was an illusion! But thought keeps moaning, “I’ve lost something! How sad!” But you haven’t lost anything real! That’s just an idea!
[
pause]
[
Cheep, chee chee] Do we hear birds cheeping outside the open windows and doors? Are we right here?
[
pause]
We feel rewarded when we live in our story, our apparent home where we feel somewhat at ease. We may not feel
safe – human beings don’t feel safe most of the time, because of a constant undercurrent of tricky thought-scenarios of past and future. And yet we habitually assume there’s more safety living in our familiar thought-spun story than in a world spontaneously unfolding from moment to moment.
Participant: I guess IÂ’m feeling that even when IÂ’m not so much in the story, when IÂ’m not playing that game. What takes me back into the story again and again is this loneliness thatÂ’s here even when I feel that the story isnÂ’t.
Toni: Even when the story isn’t here? Well, then, is that feeling of “loneliness” due to mentally reflecting about the state of no-story? Is it like a withdrawal from the rewards of the “me”-story, the physical craving that comes out of needing that stimulation? We’ve been habituated to story. When you say, “right now I’m living in very little story, but I still feel lonely,”... is that because it’s not the habitual story-state of constant stimulation and reward? But not to stop with any thought-created conclusion and its moods, but to discover for oneself the richness of being in touch with breathing, birds calling, looking and listening freely
without any story!
We mistakenly feel that our story is our true home, and when it is not present, there is the sad feeling of missing something. Let’sbe careful not to linger with the sadness of loss and loneliness – not to make that part of our story. Simply
feel it in the body and leave it alone – staying with open listening and wondering.
Wondering is a marvellous antidote to the suffering of loneliness! Wondering: “What is right now?” Shifting from the passively enduring to actively wondering, questioning, “What is it?” Because now the senses are wide awake, listening in open wondering! Energy is flowing freely, abundantly!
[
pause] Does that make sense?
Participant: Yes.
Toni: When things are put into words, it may sound complicated. But it isnÂ’t. ItÂ’s very simple. Not easy, but simple.
[
They sit quietly for a few minutes.]
Toni: To come back... we didnÂ’t go into the feeling of loneliness itself, whether itÂ’s habitual loneliness or the feeling of having lost something. You mentioned these two different kinds at the beginning. But regardless of what kind, is there a feeling, a state of mind, that is disagreeable, that causes some kind of anxiety? And how to be with that?
We looked at what brings it about, and sometimes that exploration can dispel the disagreeable state of mind because one understands how itÂ’s grounded in illusion, in just wanting the story back. But maybe disagreeableness doesnÂ’t go away. The feeling of loneliness lingers, and one discovers more and more thoughts that bring it about. Discovering those thoughts may not do away with the whole process of feeling loneliness or any other bothersome mood or unpleasant state of mind. Our life of thinking and remembering is so constituted that these states come and go all the time. ThereÂ’s no such thing as permanent happiness or constant equilibrium. Things of this world keep moving into and out of balance without abiding anywhere.
So is there a totally new way of letting all of that happen, be it loneliness, fear, or whatever – not bothering with it all? To live like a water skimmer crisscrossing the water, barely touching it, not getting bogged down in wetness. No hassling with the water, no complaining about splashing and splattering.
Can we just let it be – whatever unpleasantness, discomfort, or outright pain there may be – not trying to clothe it in words, not verbalizing yet not denying it? The feeling isn’t denied. It’s there. But it’s not made into anything more than it is. Whenever the urge comes up to make something out of it, see it and dismiss it. Let it go.
So just living with rainy days, hot humid days, and mellow spring nights – you’re just here with it all without making anything out of it or wanting more or less of it.
Then you may notice all of a sudden that feelings of loneliness are gone. “Me” and “the world” are seen as mere words that bring about painful feelings of separation and loneliness. The feelings will return at the moment of inattention, but – so what? Just see it afresh! There is just skimming across the waters without getting wet – beholding it all without denial or acceptance of what has already passed.