a good posting on overcoming resentment

• syncopation_music

  6 Nov 08, 17:54

  taken fm a post in newbuddhist.com

   

  Fede, I think it is by loving others, most especially our worst enemies and those who have hurt us the most, that we truly heal ourselves. They are our best teachers. They are us, and we are them.

• bohiruci

  9 Nov 08, 10:04

  The story goes that, at the time of the Buddha, a group of monks wanted to do a quiet retreat away from the crowds of followers, so the Buddha sent them to a glade in the forest where he said they would be undisturbed. The monks found their way there and settled down to meditate. But what they didn't know was that the glade was inhabited by a gang of tree spirits who were really upset that the monks had come. And when tree spirits get upset they can be extremely scary, ugly, very smelly and unbelievably noisy, ferociously shrieking all over the place.
  
  They did everything they could to spook the hermits and make them leave. And it worked. The monks couldn't possibly meditate with so much disturbance, so they went back to the Buddha and begged him to let them go somewhere else. But no. Instead, he taught them a meditation practice of loving kindness, or metta in Sanskrit, which develops loving kindness towards everyone, including yourself and your enemies. And then he sent the monks back to the forest. His famous words were, This is the only protection you will need.
  
  Thinking the Buddha must be mad, the monks reluctantly went back to the glade, sat down and began practicing metta. And the tree spirits, who at first were not at all pleased to see them returning, no longer had any effect on them. For all their antics, the monks just kept sitting there and beaming out loving kindness. Eventually the spirits were won over by the waves of love and compassion emanating from these robed ones and, far from than chasing them away, the same nasties that had been so ferocious now became disciples.
  
  The question is, who are the tree spirits? They are everything that goes on in our own minds--all the dark places, doubts, insecurities, fears, anger, negative thoughts-- that constantly undermine our balance and positivity. And the point the Buddha was making is that loving kindness has the capacity to overcome all manner of inner monsters and ghouls and lead us to a true heart opening. Metta is the act of extending our love, kindness and friendship equally towards all beings, proving that love is more powerful than any negative force. Rather than trying to deal with negativity, we cultivate the opposite; seeing and knowing pain, we bring loving kindness.
  
  We know this sounds so easy: just be kind and loving, how great, what a cool idea. But in practice it is not always so easy, such as when someone says or does something that is personally critical, derogatory or hurtful. Can metta still flow when the ego is upset? By focusing on loving kindness as a way of living, it shows us all those places that are bound in ego and selfishness; it brings us up against our limitations and means confronting our boundaries. Where do we meet our edge? Where is our capacity to step over the edge into greater kindness? How genuine is our ability to bring kindness to a difficult situation?
  
  We remember talking with our friend, the spiritual teacher Ram Dass, at the time of the Clinton/Dole election, and he told us how he had a picture of Bob Dole on his meditation altar as "Dole needs the most love and compassion as he is the one being so vilified."
  
  In that act, he was practicing true metta. It was an important reminder not to cast anyone out of our hearts, for in the process we are casting out ourselves. If we feel affected by someone being hostile, dismissive, critical or hurtful it is invariably because there is a hook in us for that negativity to grab hold of, a place where it can land and trigger all our hidden feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, doubt, even self-hate. However, when we extend metta towards someone we are having a hard time with, an extraordinary thing happens: the landing place, or the hook within, begins to dissolve. In opening to loving kindness our positivity is strengthened. When there is no place for the negativity to land, it dissolves.
  
  Metta asks that we stay caring, that we keep the heart open in the face of the person or situation we are struggling with and all the accompanying anger, annoyance and conflict, and to hold that with gentle tenderness. Then amazing change is possible.
  May all beings be happy and free from suffering.

  http://www.newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?p=53627#post53627

• Bellz

  30 Nov 08, 19:33

  Hi, I know of this guy who claims he is into Buddhism - volunteering at some buddhist free clinic. However, he is a closet gay, cheated a clueless girl in marriage and does not show remorse about it. Hatred will only create more negative karma for this girl - but how can she prevent that practically? Any step-by-step advice? Seems so matter-of-fact amd easy in words, but so hard to put into practice...

   

• An Eternal Now

  1 Dec 08, 19:24

  Originally posted by Bellz:

  Hi, I know of this guy who claims he is into Buddhism - volunteering at some buddhist free clinic. However, he is a closet gay, cheated a clueless girl in marriage and does not show remorse about it. Hatred will only create more negative karma for this girl - but how can she prevent that practically? Any step-by-step advice? Seems so matter-of-fact amd easy in words, but so hard to put into practice...

   

  So they are still married?

• Bellz

  1 Dec 08, 20:34

  The girl has finally found courage to file for separation. But she is filled with hatred and misery. She knows she can't continue like this...

• cycle

  2 Dec 08, 14:09

  Originally posted by Bellz:

  Hi, I know of this guy who claims he is into Buddhism - volunteering at some buddhist free clinic. However, he is a closet gay, cheated a clueless girl in marriage and does not show remorse about it. Hatred will only create more negative karma for this girl - but how can she prevent that practically? Any step-by-step advice? Seems so matter-of-fact amd easy in words, but so hard to put into practice...

   

  
  Hi Bellz,

  I think a step-by-step solution for your friend to recover from her hurt is to understand the Buddhadharma, also step by step...

  That is not easy of cos as it may takes time  depending on individual's acceptability and understanding. But I hope she could give it a try( your job, I guess), I realise myself that applying the dharma in our daily life really change the way I look at things, any problems or situations become a happening which I could take it in my stride. It's like one is standing outside calmly looking inwards at the happenings unravelling itself...then  just go by the flow, and before you knew it, it's all over.

   

• cycle

  2 Dec 08, 14:36

  Originally posted by Bellz:

  The girl has finally found courage to file for separation. But she is filled with hatred and misery. She knows she can't continue like this...

  
  The most common advice for non- Buddhists is : "Time will heals all wounds."

  It may works for some. Can try.

  If she doesn't buy that, then maybe try asking  her if she benefits anything from her hatred? Eg. is being angry and miserable able to change her marriage, brings back her love for her hubby, make her hubby straight again and loves her back some more, or rewinds everything back to the past? 

  Hopfully by understanding that the answers are all negative, then she would  find out that her hatred is worthless. It only drains her out mentally and physically ( angry ppl tends to suffer ill health), it may also hurt her good relationship with her family and friends. Not many ppl would want to keep consoling a angry person and be a emotional sand-bag for her frustrations. The bad points are endless.

  Just stop hating, and everythings clears up by itself. So many ppl to meet again, so many opportunities to take up again, so many things to explore again... The good points are also endless. She is giving up so many things in life just to hate one person? The choices are hers to make.

  You are a good friend, hope you could help her out.    

   

• Bellz

  2 Dec 08, 23:48

  Hi cycle,

  Thanks for your advice. She knows that hatred won't improve things. But sometimes, she just feels being "punished" - being made use of, and having to face the embarrasment of going to the lawyer, then to court.

  Going for buddhist classes has helped me feel better when I was depressed with work. Thought I could introduce buddhism to her too but then again, it's hard for me to use buddhism to console her at times - since her hubby is a buddhist volunteer.

  Guess you are right, only time can heal...

   

   

• cathykitty

  3 Dec 08, 00:28

  Hi, how abt in the case of a Buddhist who feels resentment towards someone else who did wrong but didn't show remorse, what should he or she do?

  Practising metta and continue to show loving kindness to the person by being friends (and risk getting hurt by the person again), or totally cut off all ties?

• An Eternal Now

  3 Dec 08, 00:32

  Originally posted by cathykitty:  

  Practising metta and continue to show loving kindness to the person by being friends (and risk getting hurt by the person again), or totally cut off all ties?

  Practicing metta does not mean you must remain your ties to that person.

  Buddha told people to choose friends (and any other relations) wisely and reject bad companionship.

  For example you can practice metta for an evil person, a criminal, by wishing him well and at the same time not having any relation with him.

   

  Karaniya Metta Sutta Good Will Translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu Alternate translation: Amaravati Buddharakkhita Ñanamoli Piyadassi Thanissaro

  ---

  This is to be done by one skilled in aims
  who wants to break through to the state of peace:
  Be capable, upright, & straightforward,
  easy to instruct, gentle, & not conceited,
  content & easy to support,
  with few duties, living lightly,
  with peaceful faculties, masterful,
  modest, & no greed for supporters.
  
  Do not do the slightest thing
  that the wise would later censure.
  
  Think: Happy, at rest,
  may all beings be happy at heart.
  Whatever beings there may be,
  	weak or strong, without exception,
  	long, large,
  	middling, short,
  	subtle, blatant,
  	seen & unseen,
  	near & far,
  	born & seeking birth:
  May all beings be happy at heart.
  
  Let no one deceive another
  or despise anyone anywhere,
  or through anger or irritation
  wish for another to suffer.
  
  As a mother would risk her life
  to protect her child, her only child,
  even so should one cultivate a limitless heart
  with regard to all beings.
  With good will for the entire cosmos,
  cultivate a limitless heart:
  Above, below, & all around,
  unobstructed, without enmity or hate.
  Whether standing, walking,
  sitting, or lying down,
  	as long as one is alert,
  one should be resolved on this mindfulness.
  This is called a sublime abiding
  here & now.
  
  Not taken with views,
  but virtuous & consummate in vision,
  having subdued desire for sensual pleasures,
  	one never again
  	will lie in the womb.

• cathykitty

  3 Dec 08, 00:37

  Originally posted by An Eternal Now:

  Practicing metta does not mean you must remain your ties to that person.

  Buddha told people to choose friends (and any other relations) wisely and reject bad companionship.

  For example you can practice metta for an evil person, a criminal, by wishing him well and at the same time not having any relation with him.

   

  Ok, thanks. :)

• An Eternal Now

  3 Dec 08, 00:44

  Originally posted by Bellz:

  Hi cycle,

  Thanks for your advice. She knows that hatred won't improve things. But sometimes, she just feels being "punished" - being made use of, and having to face the embarrasment of going to the lawyer, then to court.

  Going for buddhist classes has helped me feel better when I was depressed with work. Thought I could introduce buddhism to her too but then again, it's hard for me to use buddhism to console her at times - since her hubby is a buddhist volunteer.

  Guess you are right, only time can heal...

   

  She needs to forgive herself and others and practice metta. Instead of focusing on negative thoughts of what he has done to her, she should wish that he be well and happy. Metta is a great practice directed at someone whom one has feelings of resentment and hatred with, though without prior practice with someone more 'neutral' (which one does not have strong feelings with) it can be more difficult. Metta should sort of become a 'habit'.

  http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php

• cathykitty

  3 Dec 08, 00:53

  Hi Bellz,

  I'm sorry to hear about your friend's suffering. Perhaps you can still introduce Buddhism to her... and maybe with time, she will be able to heal and separate the religion from her husband...

• bohiruci

  4 Dec 08, 17:51

  Ven Huilu once have a disciple who come to him to cry...

  She have a husband who after the husband death,she realised she isnt the only the 'first ' when he is still alive .

  Venerable Huilu ask how long her husband have been dead.she say 3 years

  Died 3 years still cant let go ?

  Venerable Huilu ask .Since you have the right not to brood over it.Why dun you enjoy the right to do so ?

   

  The lady realised she was too attached...

   

  We are often resenting people who mistreat us and made our life hell.

  but have we ask ourself .do we live the life not to be bogged with all this resentment ?

   

  we tends to view resentment as heartwrenching..have we ever pause to understand the imprisonment of us in the resentment sphere ?

   

  the closet gay i have no right to say him ..but i feel that he should be frank and tell the wife about it then letting her found out in the act one day..

   

  We must enjoy our right not to be tied down with all this ,but settle our mind on more impt task..salvation using spiritual means..

   

   

   

   

   

• bohiruci

  4 Dec 08, 18:03

  timeframe and period of with this or that person

  we feel that we are often mistreated unfairly

   

  its human nature to groan or feel grouchy ... but that doesnt stop us from treating everyone with Universal Compassion

  We must understand law of karma .that y this person treat us in that way is a result  of  past lives enmities

   

  we must try to resolve our unencountered , occurred and occuring enmities by Invoking the name of Avalokiteshvara

  with our sincerity , things will resolve and our woeful spirit will come to 'thank' us in our dreams.

   

   

• bohiruci

  4 Dec 08, 18:23

  change a viewpoint ...maybe her husband is also feeling bad

   

  this is a very important practise in tibetan buddhism

  exchanging viewpoint .

  we know everyone made mistake .but time doesnt allow us to resolve it ..due to the complexities of our karma and the intermingling of causes and conditions

   

  I not speaking saintly here.

  I also have my fair share of resentment towards ppl who bully me in camp and now and then ..

  but i often view them not as obstacles but opportunities to grow .as practical lesson in dharma after all this theory

  u see... we tends to delude ourself that we must be shielded from all resentment ,but the real fact of life is that this is impossible ....

   

  resentment is something we have to let it go ,let it go

  its just like elton john song 'let it be.let it be '

  have the courage to steer back our life in tumultous time deepen our wisdom and insight at things

   

   

   

   

• Bellz

  7 Dec 08, 09:59

  Dear all,

  Thanks for your advice. My friend's ex has finally agreed to go to the lawyer. Hopefully this will all settle peacefully.

  Bellz