Greetings,
I am currently undergoing a very difficult time having breaking up with a lady whom I truly loved. I wonder what can buddhism help to settle my lost, un calm mind to better go through this difficult and painful period of my life.
Thank you
Yes ... you should read some books ..keep yourself occupied ..
maybe would like to know why you break up with her..that will help me in suggesting the books u can read
buddhism teach all so called love is delusion, it confuse you,
Comtemplate on impermanance
Hi Optimus
I'd summarize it into shortest sentence.
1) Everything is impermanent
2) Attachment is suffering
When you are happily enjoying the relationship, your attachment also grows accordingly like planting a seed for future suffering.
When the condition of the relationship is gone, but your attachment still there, that's why you suffer.
Saying this so that you will know the nature of suffering clearer, but that doesn't mean that you should give up everything in life. What you need to give up is the attachment, not the object itself.
At the same time of letting go attachment, most people including me also work on planting seed to get better object, in buddhism terms meaning do good deeds. If you treat people nicely, treasure relationship with people, refrain from harming people's emotion, you will get good retribution accordingly.
But again, it is very subjective whether this good retribution is good or not, as I said, happiness very often will lead to attachment. Suffering sometimes will lead to spiritual growth.
Originally posted by Display Name:Hi Optimus
I'd summarize it into shortest sentence.
1) Everything is impermanent
2) Attachment is suffering
When you are happily enjoying the relationship, your attachment also grows accordingly like planting a seed for future suffering.
When the condition of the relationship is gone, but your attachment still there, that's why you suffer.
Saying this so that you will know the nature of suffering clearer, but that doesn't mean that you should give up everything in life. What you need to give up is the attachment, not the object itself.
At the same time of letting go attachment, most people including me also work on planting seed to get better object, in buddhism terms meaning do good deeds. If you treat people nicely, treasure relationship with people, refrain from harming people's emotion, you will get good retribution accordingly.
But again, it is very subjective whether this good retribution is good or not, as I said, happiness very often will lead to attachment. Suffering sometimes will lead to spiritual growth.
what you said is foudanmentalism point of view, yes, buddhism teach stay away of attachment, but it's only for the person who want to get liberated themselves, and if you learn some buddhism stuff ,also good for the health of the relationship, don't be too attached, stay not too close, not too far ,that's the best
Originally posted by *=Optimus=*:Greetings,
I am currently undergoing a very difficult time having breaking up with a lady whom I truly loved. I wonder what can buddhism help to settle my lost, un calm mind to better go through this difficult and painful period of my life.
Thank you
Greetings to you as well...
Just to share with you some insight on dharma applies to your daily life...but if you are not into dharma practise, narrating too indepth philo might be confused to you.
having a good relationship is a great thing, but loosing a relationship is also a great thing. Because, there are things which both cannot cater or tolerate each other, then the relationship has to end. My advice is, if you had done your commitment in the relationship, and the other party chooses to leave, please let go. Learning to let go is a big thing in cultivation. If you continue to persist to keep it, you will feel more painful,as more effort from you has put into it.
Think in another perspective, she might not be the one for you, letting her go, is also a blessing to her, and you continue to search for someone who is more compatible to you. Dharma practise is to practise on your emotion, if you let you persistency emotion taken control of you, you are defintely will feel sufferings. Before you know her, you are still you, if she is not around, you are still you, but you learn something from this relationship.
So duke take care..
cheers
I think when we go through this period, the mind often repeats the cycle of the same remembrance, the same trains of thoughts, the emotions, which will last a while until 'time heals'. It becomes a very strong momentum that affects our mood and thinking in everyday life. IMHO rather than trying to find ways to skip or repress the griefing process, we should fully feel every aspect of our humanness, to simply letting what is actually happening now unfold gently. And whatever manifests by its very nature of impermanency passes away in its own accord, if you let them.
When we are simply openly aware of whatever feelings we have, thought does not intrude, because thought is not needed. It is possible through this practice, there is a complete ceasing of memory and emotions in the present aliveness of what is. But it is important not to seek anything, and not to escape from the emotions if they continue to arise. When we practice open awareness there is just the immediacy of what is manifesting without thought. There's sights and sounds and some leftover sensations from memories affecting the body. If thoughts and emotions arise that is also fine, whatever manifests, just be openly aware of them. When we are openly aware of whatever manifests, one does not grasp/chase after nor reject anything that appears, including emotions. We're like a clear mirror of awareness, simply reflecting everything as it is without modifying them, and without grasping, chasing, or rejecting them.
When we are choicelessly aware of what is experienced, we can let go of the sense of 'self'. We let go of the sense of being the owner, dis-owner, or thinker, or controller of our feelings. We let go of the sense of being someone who can escape or chase after what is (choicelessly) manifesting. That 'me' is just an illusion.
In short: choicelessly aware of feelings and sensations without labeling and without grasping/chasing after or trying to escape/push them away. See that there is only ever the present appearance of life, with no individual at its core who could ever escape even if they wanted to.
When the sense of 'me' dissolves there is a shift from thought-projection (lost in more stories about 'me', or lost in the thoughts of how to escape the feelings) into just seeing and sensing and being, just the intense aliveness of being in the world without a center, without a 'me' that is looking out, and controlling things. There is no sense of owning or being the controller of our emotions and feelings, the emotions that are arising are not 'mine'. They are transient impersonal feelings not separate from the sound of wind howling, rain dropping, keyboard typing, sight of the table, the words appearing on my screen... which are manifesting vividly but there is no separate experiencer, and are arising and vanishing at lightning speed every single moment. In the seeing there is always just the scene, no seer. In thinking there is always just thought, no thinker. In hearing there is always just sounds, no hearer. And in the same way the sound of the airplane is choicelessly heard, the thoughts that are arising are also choicelessly manifesting by itself according to certain conditionings -- and they do not arise from a self, thinker, nor can they be stopped by a self, nor is there ever a separate experiencer or thinker or controller.
When there is no sense of ownership, there is stillness. There is no movement, motion, towards or away from phenomena, that arise due to the sense of self. There is just This. There is no more craving (chasing after thoughts and feelings) nor aversion (trying to escape them) which arise from the projection of a separate self/seeker/experiencer. In other words no more self centered craving or aversion. Everything is manifesting on its own accord, they're not 'mine'. And there is no sense of a localised 'I' looking outwards. There is just everything manifesting, sensations, sights, sounds.
When we are not openly aware, then one becomes lost in the contents and stories of thought, and 'self', and grief may then arise due to thoughts and imagery. They arise due to the strong momentum of the mind to repeat the stories. Even when they arise we should not try to reject them but to simply be openly aware of them arising, without holding them as 'mine' in which 'I' can control and manipulate. Since there is no self they do not arise from a 'self' or a 'thinker' either, but due to various strong conditionings (i.e. the momentum) they keep on manifesting on its own accord. Whatever it is, there is just the reality at the moment, we just let it be, trying to repress the feelings is again getting lost in thought projections and perpetuating the cycle. Neither grasping nor repressing.
As Longchen said recently, 'Spontaneous manifestion need a clear understanding and experience of no-self. Here, it doesn't matter whether there are thoughts, feelings or not... these expereinces are arising not from a self... and cannot be stopped by a self.'
Anyway here's an article I found from the net, hope it helps:
The previous blog was about understanding attachments and making determinations to let go. This blog is about one difficult (but common) area to let go of - love/ breakups. A disclaimer: I have learnt that love is so complicated and sensitive, I don’t want to overgeneralise. Nonetheless, hopefully these few ideas can get you thinking about love, life and all in between.
Sometimes people hold onto relationships, dreams and even the feelings they have for their special someone, long after the relationship is over. Or they might hold onto a love that isn’t returned, or shouldn’t be. They think that holding onto that love is what makes them happy, despite the fact that it tears them apart inside. They think a relationship is worthwhile despite the fact that it’s a deadend or even abusive. It’s almost like an addiction. Addicts often don’t confess they are addicts, and when they do, they can find lots of justifications for their addiction.
I’m happy to say, I haven’t had my heart broken a lot, but I have experienced times when I had to let go of people I care about, whether it’s romantic or otherwise. Those experiences have been difficult, but also extremely insightful into the nature of those feelings, and the strength of my mental ability.
Some things that have worked for me:
I believe in love very much, and I believe it is a wonderful thing. Too often, though, love goes sour when in fact it can be inspirational and empowering. I don’t see feelings or relationships ending now, just changing. I hope love enters your world and if it happens to leave, it doesn’t leave a hole in your heart, but leaves you with a whole lot of unconditional love.
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Greetings in Peace!
NOTHING IS WORTH CLINGING TO
Every week in response to my Dharma message, various individuals would email me telling how happy or inspired they feel. A few see deep connections between my message and their personal difficulties. This reflection is in response to a common response.
Whatever that troubles us or makes us unhappy is mostly the result both past karma and present conditions. Going deeper, we can say that the pains we feel are not really caused by others, but arise through our own ignorance, greed, or hate, or delusion.
We are what we choose to remember. If we choose to remember unhappy things, we will be unhappy, even destructive. If we choose to remember happy things, we will be happy and creative.
Suppose, I have translated all these Suttas and written all these essays, and put then into CDs and online. Although Pali Suttas are not copyrighted, the translations are, and suppose there are those who use these translations, even putting their names to them, so that they get the recognition or profit for it.
Should this stop me from working on the translation? We should never allow negative people or those who take advantage of us to control our moods and life, and do what we do best.
Suppose I am running a small Dharma centre, and some people won't join us because it is a small and simple centre, does it mean I have failed? The point is that those who do join us are really sincere seekers because they do not come for the size, comfort or beauty of buildings.
Or suppose I badly need financial support to do something I deeply believe in, and those whom I have helped, or those who say they would help, or those who can afford it, do not help. Should I be disappointed? The truth is that they have other commitments or that they have not really learned to give. But, then look at those who have been kind and generous to us. They are the ones we should joyfully remember; they are the ones who will benefit from our meditation.
Sometimes we lose something or someone we dearly love. If we hold on to the idea of a "thing" or a "person," then we will be deeply hurt for a long time. We might even turn to religion for the wrong reasons and see it in the wrong light. The point is that we have mentally constructed what or whom we love or hate.
When we lose something that we dearly love, it does NOT mean that we have lost "someone" special, but that we have a great capacity for love. If we do not stop loving, then we will find an even greater love. If we reflect on the good things in our lives, we will notice that they are good because we have let go of a loss or pain, and so we allow something better into your lives.
When something bad happens to us, and we let it go, something very much better will replace it. My point is that what we learn of ourselves, the good that we know, cannot be taken away. It will enrich us in a very great way. With every failure, we are better and wiser.
In the Pacala Sutta (A 7.58), the Buddha tells Moggallana, "Nothing is worth clinging to." This is found in section 11 (the ending) of which is found here:
http://earlypalisutta.googlepages.com/anguttaranikaya
in A 7.58 Pacala Sutta.
If we understand nothing is worth clinging to, and move on with happiness, whatever we do next will be even better. This gives us an inner sense of satisfaction and happiness. And no one can take that away.
We suffer pain when we depend on external things and others for recognition and happiness. Meditation trains us to be happy within ourselves without relying on people and external things. When we are truly happy, we can give more and true happiness to others.
With metta,
BY Piya Tan
Originally posted by *=Optimus=*:Greetings,
I am currently undergoing a very difficult time having breaking up with a lady whom I truly loved. I wonder what can buddhism help to settle my lost, un calm mind to better go through this difficult and painful period of my life.
Thank you
1) Pre-occupy your mind with something healthy. It takes time to heal the wounds.
If you are a Buddhist, practise taking refuge in the Triple Gems which mean attending dharma classes, talks, chanting and meditation retreat. You can also spend your time and energy to help the less-fortunate.
2) Accept the break-up. Everyone will lose someone dear at least once in their lifetime. No matter what kinds of relationships it is, be it's friendships, BGR and family r/s, all will end eventually.
3) When i have a bad day, i will tell myself "This will pass" When i have a good day, i will remind myself " This will pass too" No matter how wonderful, awful or painful it can be, " This will pass too"
4) Genuine love is about setting yourself and your other half free of suffering, to be free of bondage of attachment and to wish that both parties to be well and happy.
Weather Watch
(Steve Hagen)
Meditation isn't about cutting off our feelings, or ignoring them, or transcending them. It's just the opposite. In meditation, we freely experience and realize our emotions fully -- without increasing them with thought, without trying to end them or continue them, without trying to do anything about them at all.
In meditation, we don't analyze our feelings or thoughts. We let them come up, observe them fully without commenting, and let them fade away. That's all.
Usually, when we have a feeling, particularly a negative feeling, we're tempted to vent it in some way to get it off our chests. We believe that expressing it will enable us to be done with it, so that it can dissipate.
Maybe. But maybe not. In fact, it's not the expression of the feeling -- that is, talking about or demonstrating the feeling -- that allows it to dissipate. It's in realizing it directly -- that its, in feeling it fully without adding thought to it or interfering with it -- that we can truly let it go.
It's possible that unloading our feelings may help us to feel them by making them more real or intense. But it is not helpful if we then can't let them go and return to here and now.
We need to be careful. For in talking about our feelings to others, rather than just noting them completely and quietly and then letting them go, we can sometimes get caught up in them, not to mention stir up emotions in others as well. Instead of simply watching them as they dissolve, we grab hold of them and pump them up, or obsess over them. Often, as part of this process, we imagine events from our past or fantasize about our future. These reveries are never real, but we tend not to notice that. Whether they're based on memory, hope, fear, or dread, we're imagining them. They're delusional. They're not here and now.
Yet look at the power such thoughts have to carry us away.
Imagine that you drop in on a friend who's been feeling down lately, to see how he's doing. He tells you, "I feel great today. Yesterday I wasn't doing too well, but today I'm just fine."
"You weren't feeling well yesterday?" you ask. "Tell me more about that."
He does, and soon he's back in his depression.
This is exactly what we do with ourselves when we allow our thoughts to work on our emotions. Even though we might feel fine in this moment. our minds drift into the past or future, where our thoughts stir up negative feelings, say, in response to our mental images. Then, instead of letting those feelings and images drift away, we take hold of them, turn them over, and review them closely, telling ourselves more about how bad we feel.
We tend to think that by analyzing our feelings -- particularly our painful ones -- or the images we conjure up in our minds that engender them, we can find some core to our mental problems, get a good look at what's wrong, and then fix everything. We imagine there's something warped or bent our of shape in our minds that needs to be repaird, and if left unattended, the disturbing or painful feelings will continue indefinitely.
But simply feeling bad is not the problem. It's the process of needing to fix what isn't broken that's the problem.
Simply feeling bad at times is normal. So is simply feeling good.
When we feel good for no particular reason, however, we rarely say to ourselves, "Why am I feeling good? I need to figure this out, look deep within, and try to find a reason for this good feelings." We're more likely to just let ourselves feel good and not give it another thought.
We can (and ought to) do the same with emotions we don't like: experience them completely -- that is, notice them, but without trying to control or resist them. Just let them wash through and fade away.
Our problem is not that we're warped or broken at the core. Our problem is that we get caught up in our thinking. Instead of simply feeling, we mentally obsess about those feelings, and then confuse those thoughts with Reality. We grasp the fleeting feeling and hang on, continuing to relive our painful thoughts over and over. While we're mentally fixated on an event that took place yesterday, or last week, or twenty years ago, the actual, fresh, clean, vibrant reality of this moment flashes by without our even noticing.
In this moment, there's no dragging out our past. There's no projecting the future, with all its attendant worries, excitement, dread, regrets, and expectations.
This isn't to say that we ought to ignore the past of the future. But we need to understand that the past and future are never here but only as thought. It's always now; it's never then or when. Now is where everything takes place.
We all have a great deal of learning and experience in our memories and thoughts. Use them, but use them wisely. As my teacher used to say, "Put them in your backpack and carry them lightly." Let your past inform your life, not hold sway over it. Draw upon your past only as you need to, as experience and learning that can be helpful in this moment.
Sometimes we imagine our past as a massive weight on our shoulders, under which we must somehow lumber down the road of life. But the past simply isn't here. It can't be. Our thoughts about the past may appear in this moment, but thoughts don't have any intrinsic weight of their own. To whatever degree we imagine the weight of the past on our shoulders, it's weight that we're needlessly loading on ourselves. There's no such weight. It's only that we think there is.
The same goes for the future. If you dread it, you're forgetting that it's only thought. On the other hand, if you're filled with great expectations, you've just set yourself up for a big letdown. In the meantime, how much of your precious time are you going to let slip by without noticing?
Sometimes, too, the more we talk about our feelings, the more solid and permanent they appear. We fuel those feelings with thought, giving birth to them anew in each new moment. In this way we make ourselves quite miserable. We then grow attached to these feelings, believing that the stronger we feel them, The more powerful or important or profound they are. We overlook that it was in our carelessness that we artificially made them so intense. But if we carry on in this way, is it because we're capable of feeling deeply, or because we're, to some degree, insane? We're not noticing our part in all of this confusion.
We may imagine that if we talk about how we feel and why, we can get down to something genuine and true. But we can't. We can't ever really explain how we feel -- we can only feel how we feel. This is as far as we go without our thoughts otherwise making a mess of it.
Had we simply let our initial feeling alone, it would soon fade away like the morning dew. And our sense of urgency -- our need to somehow deal with the feeling -- would evaporate as well.
So in meditation we put our effort into coming back. In each moment, learn to spot yourself forming and running off into the past or the future. Then come back. Just come back. Don't say anything, not even to yourself.
.....
We commonly imagine that thoughts and feelings are separate things. But they're not exactly, as we've seen. They constantly feed each other.
Sometimes you'll hear someone describe themselves as a thinking person or a feeling person, but the fact is, we all think and we all feel. None of us just thinks or just feels. This is directly experienced by all of us. Thinking and feeling occur together at once. Heart and mind are not separate. (indeed, there's a classic Zen text that identifies them as one in its title: "Trusting the Heartmind.")
...
In meditation, we give full attention to direct experience -- that is, what we feel, see, think, hear, smell, or taste right now. That's all. In other words, we don't comment on it. We don't ignore it or squelch it or analyze it or dwell on it or control it. Thus it all washes through.
In learning to come into this moment, we realize feelings directly, and we see the thoughts that often come attached to them. But we don't judge them or talk about them. We don't make anything of them at all. They come and go, and we taste them fully and directly, with no aftertaste. We don't consume them, and they don't consume us.
We only need to watch. Negative emotions under wordless observation cannot last for long. As long as we don't say anything to ourselves about them, they will naturally weaken and die away. But if we feed and amplify those feelings, they will just as naturally remain and grow.
Our emotions and thoughts are like the weather. They are sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant, always changing. We can do little to control them directly, and are wise not to try. Yet they needn't control us, either. What we can do is be alert. Just observe and let them be what they are. And after the occasional, inevitable storm has passed, we only need to quietly watch as the clouds dissipate on their own without any help from us.