Coping with grief
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removed by purplejade
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I want to know from Buddhist perspective why am i suffering such misfortune when i adhered to the 5 precepts.
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i am very sorry to hear that ..
you see.. we live in a world where we led many lives
the one who cheated you , could be someone whom u also hurt him many lifetime before
bear no grudge ..i know its difficult
i also have my fair share of being swindled .. I just forgive that rascal who swindled my money and let karma takes it course ..i dun need to feel sad over such person
Maybe try listen to Avalokiteshvara praise in chinese ..its a nice praise ... i can send to u if you want..
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Originally posted by purplejade:
I would like that, thanks.
can pm me your email..i send to ur thru email :)thanks
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i don't know to do so here. I turned to forums only 9 days ago, to appeal for help but suffered instead.
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Originally posted by purplejade:
Hi
I helped someone for close to 4 years and did it from my heart. Now the person has disappeared and left me in a mess. In helping this person, i lost everything. I'm very troubled and sad and can't understand or accept how a person could inflict such pain on others.
I'm a contracted employee in an MNC and worry about being retrenched during economic downturn as I have financial deadlines to meet, my own and now plus his. The person depleted my savings and i have to service financial committments that he took under my name.
A Police report was lodged but the Police progress has been slow and it's uncertain if justice will ever be served.
I believe in Kuan Yin, Goddess of Mercy and visited the temple regularly and prayed for the last 4 years that this person will have a better life. Instead, he stole everything from me, even my sunshine.
With hard work, i could well recover from my financial loss but how do you ever recover from emotional loss? Sometimes i feel like giving up on life and want to just float off my balcony.
Can anyone help?
Hi, sorry to hear of your loss.
Indeed this is a case that shows that nothing on earth is stable, permanent, and 'ours'... not 'wealth', not even 'health', or even 'relationships', or anything that we invest our identifications with (as 'mine'). Nothing is permanent... we start from nothing and we end with nothing (death), we can't bring it over to the next life. Hence we have to practice letting go... this is part of our practice. We have to practice letting go (everything -- our mind, body, posessions, everything) until we are free to die and move on without any regrets or attachment at any moments.
The only thing we can bring over to the next life are four things... blessings (merits), wisdom, causes and conditions, and karmic strength. Therefore practicing the dharma is important.
At the same time as you mentioned... money lost can be earned back. At the time when you started with nothing, you didn't see it as a problem. You just work. Similarly... don't let the current loss obstruct you. There are many people who have lost everything and are still quite well off later. Our moderator Thusness also went bankrupt before, during the 1997 financial crisis... but he did quite well years after that. But he was also grateful for the 1997 crisis because he came to know Buddhism during that time... as he wrote in http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com/2007/03/thusnesss-six-stages-of-experience.html : "I got in touch with Buddhism in 1997. Not because I wanted to find out more about the experience of ‘Presence’ but rather the teaching of impermanence syncs deeply with what I experience in life. I am faced with the possibility of losing all my wealth and more by financial crisis."
Also for the current crisis he also lost quite a lot of wealth but he is again grateful because it has helped him in terms of spirituality and cultivation.
Sometimes without these reminders, people never realise some of the fundamental truths of life (such as suffering, impermanence, etc...) and the need to practice the dharma... so do look into the dharma, see how you can apply it in practice in your everyday life and overcome your problems.
Anyway hope this helps, by Eckhart Tolle:
THE LOST RING
When I was seeing people as a counselor and spiritual teacher, I would
visit a woman twice a week whose body was riddled with cancer. She was a
schoolteacher in her midforties
and had been given no more than a few
months to live by her doctors. Sometimes a few words were spoken during
those visits, but mostly we would sit together in silence, and as we did, she
had her first glimpses of the stillness within herself that she never knew
existed during her busy life as a schoolteacher.
One day, however, I arrived to find her in a state of great distress and
anger. “What happened” I asked. Her diamond ring, of great monetary as
well as sentimental value, had disappeared, and she said she was sure it had
been stolen by the woman who came to look after her for a few hours every
day. She said she didn’t understand how anybody could be so callous and
heartless as to do this to her. She asked me whether she should confront the
woman or whether it would be better to call the police immediately. I said I
couldn’t tell her what to do, but asked her to find out how important a ring or
anything else was at this point in her life. “You don’t understand,” she said.
“This was my grandmother’s ring. I used to wear it every day until I got ill
and my hands became too swollen. It’s more than just a ring to me. How can
I not be upset?”
The quickness of her response and the anger and defensiveness in her
voice were indications that she had not yet become present enough to look
within and to disentangle her reaction from the event and observe them both.
Her anger and defensiveness were signs that the ego was still speaking
through her. I said, “I am going to ask you a few questions, but instead of
answering them now, see if you can find the answers within you. I will pause
briefly after each question. When an answer comes, it may not necessarily
come in the form of words.” She said she was ready to listen. I asked: “Do
you realize that you will have to let go of the ring at some point, perhaps
quite soon? How much more time do you need before you will be ready to let
go of it? Will you become less when you let go of it? Has who you are
become diminished by the loss?” There were a few minutes of silence after
the last question.
When she started speaking again, there was a smile on her face, and
she seemed at peace. “The last question made me realize something
important. First I went to my mind for an answer and my mind said, ‘Yes, of
course you have been diminished.’ Then I asked myself the question again,‘Has who I am become diminished?’ This time I tried to feel rather than think the answer. And suddenly I could feel my I Amness. I have never felt that before. If I can feel the I Am so strongly, then who I am hasn’t been
diminished at all. I can still feel it now, something peaceful but very alive.”
“That is the joy of Being,” I said. “You can only feel it when you get
out of your head. Being must be felt. It can’t be thought. The ego doesn’t
know about it because thought is what it consists of. The ring was really in
your head as a thought that you confused with the sense of I Am. You
thought the I Am or a part of it was in the ring.
“Whatever the ego seeks and gets attached to are substitutes for the
Being that it cannot feel. You can value and care for things, but whenever
you get attached to them, you will know it’s the ego. And you are never
really attached to a thing but to a thought that has ‘I,’ ‘me,’ or ‘mine’ in it.
Whenever you completely accept a loss, you go beyond ego, and who you
are, the I Am which is consciousness itself, emerges.”
She said, “Now I understand something Jesus said that never made
much sense to me before: ‘If someone takes your shirt, let him have your
coat as well.’”
“That’s right,” I said. “It doesn’t mean you should never lock your
door. All it means is that sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater
power than defending or hanging on.”
In the last few weeks of her life as her body became weaker, she
became more and more radiant, as if light were shining through her. She
gave many of her possessions away, some to the woman she thought had
stolen the ring, and with each thing she gave away, her joy deepened. When
her mother called me to let me know she had passed away, she also
mentioned that after her death they found her ring in the medicine cabinet in
the bathroom. Did the woman return the ring, or had it been there all the
time? Nobody will ever know. One thing we do know: Life will give you
whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.
How do you now this is the experience you need? Because this is the
experience you are having at this moment.
Is it wrong then to be proud of one’s possessions or to feel resentful
toward people to have more than you? Not at all. That sense of pride, of
needing to stand out, the apparent enhancement of one’s self through “more
than” and diminishment through “less than” is neither right nor wrong – it is
the ego. The ego isn’t wrong; it’s just unconscious. When you observe the
ego in yourself, you are beginning to go beyond it. Don’t take the ego too
seriously. When you detect egoic behavior in yourself, smile. At times you
may even laugh. How could humanity have been taken in by this for so long?
Above all, know that the ego isn’t personal. It isn’t who you are. If you
consider the ego to be your personal problem, that’s just more ego.
THE ILLUSION OF OWNERSHIP
To “own” something – what does it really mean? What does it mean to make
something “mine”? If you stand on a street in New York, point to a huge
skyscraper and say, “That building is mine. I own it,” you are either very
wealthy or you are delusional or a liar. In any case, you are telling a story in
which the thought form “I” and the thought form “building” merge into one.
That’s how the mental concept of ownership works. If everybody agrees with
your story, there will be signed pieces of paper to certify their agreement
with it. You are wealthy. If nobody agrees with the story, they will send you
to a psychiatrist. You are delusional, or a compulsive liar.
It is important to recognize here that the story and the thought forms
that make up the story, whether people agree with it or not, have absolutely
nothing to do with who you are. Even if people agree with it, it is ultimately
a fiction. Many people don’t realize until they are on their deathbed and
everything external falls away that no thing ever had anything to do with who
they are. In the proximity of death, the whole concept of ownership stands
revealed as ultimately meaningless. In the last moments of their life, they
then also realize that while they were looking throughout their lives for a
more complete sense of self, what they were really looking for, their Being,
had actually always already been there, but had been largely obscured by
their identification with things, which ultimately means identification with
their mind.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,” Jesus said, “for theirs will be the
kingdom of heaven.”1 What does “poor in spirit” mean? No inner baggage,
no identifications. Not with things, nor with any mental concepts that have a
sense of self in them. And what is the “kingdom of heaven” The simple but
profound joy of Being that is there when you let og of identifications and so
become “poor in spirit.”
This is why renouncing all possessions has been an ancient spiritual
practice in both East and West. Renunciation of possessions, however, will
not automatically free you of the ego. It will attempt to ensure its survival by
finding something else to identify with, for example, a mental image of
yourself as someone who has transcended all interest in material possessions
and is therefore superior, is more spiritual than others. There are people who
have renounced all possessions but have a bigger ego than some millionaires.
If you take away one kind of identification, the ego will quickly find another.
It ultimately doesn’t mind what it identifies with as long as it has an identity.
Anticonsumerism
or antiprivate
ownership would be another thought form,
another mental position, that can replace identification with possessions.
Through it you could make yourself right and others wrong. As we shall see
later, making yourself right and others wrong is one of the principal egoic
mind patterns, one of the main forms of unconsciousness. In other words, the
content of the ego may change; the mind structure that keeps it alive does
not.
One of the unconscious assumptions is that by identifying with an
object through the fiction of ownership, the apparent solidity and
permanency of that material object will endow your sense of self with
greater solidity and permanency. This applies particularly to buildings and
even more so to land since it is the only thing you think you can own that
cannot be destroyed. The absurdity of owning something becomes even more
apparent in the case of land. In the days of the white settlement, the natives
of North America found ownership of land an incomprehensible concept.
And so they lost it when the Europeans made them signs pieces of paper that
were equally incomprehensible to them. They felt they belonged to the land,
but the land did not belong to them.
The ego tends to equate having with Being: I have, therefore I am.
And the more I have, the more I am. The ego lives through comparison. How
you are seen by others turns into how you see yourself. If everyone lived in a
mansion or everyone was wealthy, your mansion or your wealth would no
longer serve to enhance your sense of self. You could then move to a simple
cabin, give up our wealth, and regain an identity by seeing yourself and
being seen as more spiritual than others. How you are seen by others
becomes the mirror that tells you what you are like and who you are. The
ego’s sense of selfworth
is in most cases bound up with the worth you have
in the eyes of others. You need others to give you a sense of self, and if you
live in a culture that to a large extent equates selfworth
with how much and
what you have, if you cannot look through this collective delusion, you will
be condemned to chasing after things for the rest of your life in the vain hope
of finding your worth and completion of your sense of self there.
How do you let go of attachment to things? Don’t even try. It’s
impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer
seek to find yourself in them. In the meantime, just be aware of your
attachment to things. Sometimes you may not know that you are attached to
something, which is to say, until you lose it or there is the threat of loss. If
you then become upset, anxious, and so on, it means you are attached. If you
are aware that you are identified with a thing, the identification is no longer
total. “I am the awareness that is aware that there is attachment.” That’s the
beginning of the transformation of consciousness. -
Originally posted by purplejade:
I want to know from Buddhist perspective why am i suffering such misfortune when i adhered to the 5 precepts.
Karma spans countless lifetimes. So whatever encounter in life, there is a high likelihood that it is the result of a karmic cause from a previous lifetime. So we should bring acceptance to whatever happens... see it as a form of karmic cleansing. My master did say before if you lost something and nobody returns you.. that is a sign you have taken something from others in the past (i.e. past life).
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Hi Purplejade,
You might have lost something but you didn’t lose everything or anything. At least, you are still well and alive. You have an able body to do a lot of things that others can’t. You can still improve on your situation. It is not the end of the world. Therefore, please don’t do anything stupid because it is not worthwhile doing so.
Material wealth comes and goes away. It is based on causes and conditions. We don't have to feel so uptight about it if we have lost it. Sometime, it is beyond all of our expectation. It might be unfortunate for such things to fall onto us but then, if you take a look at it.. we are still able to adapt and survive. It is probably karmic that such things happen. At lease we can learn from this incident and our karmic debts to this particular person is probably paid off.
Don't be angry or feeling loss over it and end up missing out on the present. I think life is very short, we shouldn't linger onto the past or our troubles and end up missing out the good things in our life. We still have plently of things to be grateful with. We still have plently of things to do in our life. We should learnt to look forward.
The economic crisis will recover again. Be patient and await for better tiding.
Hope to heard better things will come to you.
W. METTA
isis
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Yes, human life is so much more precious than transient material wealth and posessions. It is a golden opportunity to walk the path of wisdom, self awareness, and liberation.
The opportunity of a human birth is so rare that the Buddha likened the rarity to a turtle who comes to the surface of the ocean every 100 years, to actually go through a hoop. It's the 'jackpot' opportunity.
p.s. Many people live in poverty in other parts of the world yet their quality of life and happiness is far more than people in our materialistic society. This is proven by research. Our identification, seeking, and attachment to 'things' are in fact the cause of our misery.
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p.s. hope this is helpful, by Buddha:
Lokavipatti SuttaThe Failings of the WorldTranslated from the Pali by"Monks, these eight worldly conditions spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions. Which eight? Gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. These are the eight worldly conditions that spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions.
"For an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person there arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. For a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones there also arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. So what difference, what distinction, what distinguishing factor is there between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person?"
"For us, lord, the teachings have the Blessed One as their root, their guide, & their arbitrator. It would be good if the Blessed One himself would explicate the meaning of this statement. Having heard it from the Blessed One, the monks will remember it."
"In that case, monks, listen & pay close attention. I will speak."
"As you say, lord," the monks responded.
The Blessed One said, "Gain arises for an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person. He does not reflect, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.
"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...
"Pain arises. He does not reflect, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.
"His mind remains consumed with the gain. His mind remains consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind remains consumed with the pain.
"He welcomes the arisen gain and rebels against the arisen loss. He welcomes the arisen status and rebels against the arisen disgrace. He welcomes the arisen praise and rebels against the arisen censure. He welcomes the arisen pleasure and rebels against the arisen pain. As he is thus engaged in welcoming & rebelling, he is not released from birth, aging, or death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, or despairs. He is not released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.
"Now, gain arises for a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones. He reflects, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.
"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...
"Pain arises. He reflects, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.
"His mind does not remain consumed with the gain. His mind does not remain consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind does not remain consumed with the pain.
"He does not welcome the arisen gain, or rebel against the arisen loss. He does not welcome the arisen status, or rebel against the arisen disgrace. He does not welcome the arisen praise, or rebel against the arisen censure. He does not welcome the arisen pleasure, or rebel against the arisen pain. As he thus abandons welcoming & rebelling, he is released from birth, aging, & death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. He is released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.
"This is the difference, this the distinction, this the distinguishing factor between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person."
Gain/loss,
status/disgrace,
censure/praise,
pleasure/pain:
these conditions among human beings
are inconstant,
impermanent,
subject to change.
Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don't charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.
His welcoming
& rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
Knowing the dustless, sorrowless state,
he discerns rightly,
has gone, beyond becoming,
to the Further Shore. -
Everyday is struggle just to survive. No one at work knows of my personal crisis and i won't tell. All they see is a drastic physical change and that i've lost my sunshine.
I took my plight to the internet, but ended up taunted, bitter and bruised. They first day i used a forum, reduced me to an emotional wreck and i almost gave up living that very night.
Since become a Buddhist many years ago, each time I reach a setback, I turn to Buddhist teachings and reasonings see myself through. My favourite place is the Kuan Yin temple in Pandan, especially in the evenings. It is there that i can let my guard down and try to find strength to make sense of what has happened. I don't go there looking for answers but to enjoy the tranquility and be reminded of the bigger picture in life and especially Precept 1: to abstain from killing any living being. Taking my own life is breaking that precept. i know well the anguish of emotional pain and i won't want my family to experience the same.
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Especially to "An Eternal Now" and to "Isis". Thank you very much for your replies and for showing me the way out of self-created world of living hell. My main issue is acceptance and in understanding why and through you i now have. I hope my final tears are dropped today and i WILL move on. It's not the loss of material wealth that i can't get over but the unexpected emotional upheaval that i have to adjust to and the betrayal of a genuine friendship that i offered.
I just came from the Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Temple website at url: http://www.kmspks.org/index.php, and found they have a counselling service available. They will also be holding a ceremony in March, on taking the 3 Refuges and the 5 precepts and in English. Been something I've been wanting to do, but it's hard to find such for the English speaking community.
To you, i'm forever grateful.......
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I just read this article:
How Kwan Yin Came To My Wife’s Assistance: By Greg Goode, Ph.D.
Since you have an affinity with Guan Yin, you should chant 'Na Mo Da Ci Da Bei Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa' regularly...
A bodhisattva's compassion cannot be fathomed.
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I do, whenever i kneel before Her at the temple; each night before i sleep and whenever anger and resentment builds up.
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That is very good. But there is no end to this practice.. you can chant anywhere also, it does not need to be a formal setting. On the bus... walking... doing things... :)
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I hope people like me, almost contemplating the end, will come to know your forum. It is here i found solace, kindness and true help. It is one url i have saved and will definitely share with others.
I can't ever repay you "An Eternal Now", but my head and heart are lighter, I HAVE finally stopped crying and i think i've gotten back my sunshine.
May Goddess Kuan Yin guide and watch over you and she does for me
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Hi Purplejade,
The day I finally learn to forgive & forget is the day I give myself a peace of mind.
Give yourself some time.
In Buddhism, Compassion & wisdom comes together.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type=&search_query=ajahn+brahm+anger&aq=f
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Btw my dharma center will be playing a vcd talk by my taiwanese teacher, the topic is called "投资生命的�义与价值".
Hope those who can make it... do come :)
Time/Date: Today, 7.30 p.m to 10 p.m
Location:
No. 30 Geylang Lorong 27 Citiraya Centre #05-01, across the street from Aljunied MRT station.
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Through posting an appeal on the web, it took just five days and with the help of the general public, i have located the deceitful person. My first thought was to confront him for answers. I haven't contacted him and won't be doing so anytime soon. My priorities from today and thanks to you, have shifted. I have passed on the information to the Police and will let the law serve justice.
Everytime i feel weakened, i will read your replies and remember Kuan Yin's last advice to me: #63 - One seaerches for a needle that fell into the sea a long time ago while sailing, is futile. This will cause one to waste time and get into trouble only. No reward. Will you heed the advice explained to you ? Listen well before you act.".
I have.
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I'd love to attend especially now, to strengthen me. Tell me about your Dharma Center, please. Is this a meditation place or learning center ? I'm English speaking but understand simple Mandarin. Will this be an issue if i go ? I don't even know anyone there.
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Originally posted by purplejade:
I'd love to attend especially now, to strengthen me. Tell me about your Dharma Center, please. Is this a meditation place or learning center ? I'm English speaking but understand simple Mandarin. Will this be an issue if i go ? I don't even know anyone there.
My dharma center is a place to learn dharma and practice. We also do meditation together on certain occasions, and my teacher can instruct you if you ask. I don't think we'll be doing meditation today.
With regards to 'learning dharma', we teach dharma but not the academic theoretical type... we teach dharma that are practical and are inseparable from daily lives.
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Originally posted by purplejade:
Through posting an appeal on the web, it took just five days and with the help of the general public, i have located the deceitful person. My first thought was to confront him for answers. I haven't contacted him and won't be doing so anytime soon. My priorities from today and thanks to you, have shifted. I have passed on the information to the Police and will let the law serve justice.
Everytime i feel weakened, i will read your replies and remember Kuan Yin's last advice to me: #63 - One seaerches for a needle that fell into the sea a long time ago while sailing, is futile. This will cause one to waste time and get into trouble only. No reward. Will you heed the advice explained to you ? Listen well before you act.".
I have.
Good advise... whether it will be found or not... let the police do their job. The rest is karma.
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I'm English speaking but undertsand simple Mandarin, so will i feel out of place. Geylang is at the opposite end from where i live. Will i feel out of place ?
Does your center target any specific age group ?
Need to get ready now to get there on time...by public transport
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We live in a world where bad people exist. Perhaps you have met the bad eggs in the society.
Learn from your mistakes and don't do it again.
May God bless you.