Enlightenment from the internet?
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A Child of the Cyber-Sangha
ENLIGHTENMENT FROM THE INTERNET?
NOTE: The following is by a young man, now inching into his mid twenties, whose Awakening experience at age seventeen --- as described by him ---transpired almost entirely through offerings of the internet. What he presents within the contents of the paper offers interesting insights into the overall modern Enlightenment experience, and thus then perhaps, will be of interest to ALL seekers along the path, but especially so those whose computers are a personal choice for garnering information on Zen, spirituality, and the Awakening process. In that the author has since taken the page down from general internet access, through courtesy to him, within what is offered here, he will remain anonymous. All personal references have thus been removed.
Although not widely known, Enlightenment through similar means as cited above and presented in full below is not totally unheard of. Many, many years before the advancement of computers and the invention of the internet there was an American of great spiritual Attainment by the name of Alfred Pulyan that reached a great number of people almost exclusively through a mail order following. People that came to hear about him would write hoping for insight into what one could do to Awaken to the Absolute, and Pulyan would respond, asking for no more than a stamped self-addressed envelope. He claimed to have a 70% success rate, more than ten times higher than the ancient Zen masters --- and all done through mail order.
The Childhood Years
I was born in a small town in 1983. My parents divorced when I was two years old, but thankfully, both my parents were sensible enough people who were able to communicate at a civilized level and they agreed to share custody. Since I never knew any alternative to this, it never really bothered me.
Although my family was not religious (though not atheist either), I had always had a spiritual 'touch', in the sense that ever since I was a small child I had a desire to look for 'that which was greater than me.' That 'looking' manifested itself in a great love for nature, while also stirring up a nearly unquenchable interest in the supernatural and mysterious. I always had the feeling that I was different in the sense that I felt where others might think pursuing spiritual and mystical matters with their heart and soul was an intriguing 'idea', this was something that I considered a very real opportunity in my life.
Other than that continuing feeling that there somehow had to be more to life, I had an ordinary happy childhood. I surely wasn't dissatisfied with my life in any way, I just wanted to go deeper. I had always believed that there had to be some ultimate reality that could be realized.
When I was 14 years old I discovered Buddhism for the very first time. The appeal was instant. Here was someone, Shakyamuni Buddha, whom I felt must have penetrated to true understanding and had found real inner peace. And they, the Buddha's followers, had laid out a path for others to follow. Buddhism seemed reasonable in every way regarding its approach to the world, and yet deeply mystical, beyond the ordinary world so to speak. Particularly the Tibetan Masters appealed to me, as I saw their supernatural powers called Siddhis as an expression of having found true Enlightenment. After a few weeks of intense study of Buddhism I was pouring through a book about Buddhism in general when I came across a small section about a Japanese branch of Buddhism called Zen, where monks had to face inhumane hard labour every day, and when not working they would be meditating at least six hours a day. Furthermore, there was no seeming logic in the Zen philosophy. Zen masters were known to harass their students to the extreme, hitting them completely unexpected and were generally not above making their students' lives a living hell. This might not sound very appealing, but I was intrigued. What little impression I had of Zen was as a mysterious and arcane monk order (the name alone was incredibly alluring!). Unlike the somewhat failed attempts among new-agers to resurrect arcane and ancient traditions, this was a tradition that had actually stayed alive throughout the millennia. Thus I concluded that this would not be possible if there wasn't something to it. Zen, I felt, transcended all logic and thus they had to have found something beyond. I felt assured that if someone had somehow discovered ultimate truth, it had to be a Zen Master. I was convinced that Zen was the right way for me.
The Spiritual Quest Begins
It was not until about a year-and-a-half later, at the age of sixteen, that I actually did anything about it. My mother had recently got internet access at home. One day, I decided to search for a Zen newsgroup and subsribed to one. As I begun to explore Zen through interaction with other Zennists (I still didn't understand Zen, nor do I think those I talked with did), after just four days of posting to the newsgroup, I had my first insight experience. Although the insight in itself was rather insignificant (I had simply realized that all things are interdependedly connected - cause and effect) it proved to me that there was indeed something to Zen. From that point on, I never had any doubt that I would one day be Enlightened, which was unquestionably a factor that contributed much to my eventual Awakening. This was the first major turning point in my spiritual search.
I had many small insight experiences after that, none of which I can remember now, and generally just tried to practise as openly and honestly as possible. I was never much good at meditating. I tried at times, my posture was good and rarely caused me problems, but I never managed to establish a regular habit of sitting and thus never managed to make my mind one-pointed in meditation either. The closest thing I ever came to establishing actual concentration was when meditating upon metta (lovingkindness/compassion), which is something I still have a fondness for.
One could very well say that I am a child of the Cyber-Sangha. I have never actually met another Buddhist or spiritual seeker in my real life (at least not that I am aware of), but fortunately I have met many on the internet. Some were Enlightened, some were not, but all of them helped me in one way or another. Looking back, I can see just how tremendously beneficial it was to have friends on the path, to spur me onwards, and to help me look deeper into myself and what I considered to be 'me'. The newsgroups I subscribed to enabled me to engage in conversations about the path and to challenge my own views, uprooting many attachments to my own ideas and beliefs. It was not always beneficial (there were many times I was being misguided), but the friends I have gained from posting to these newsgroups are all people who have contributed much to my progress and whom I am deeply grateful for meeting, as I have gained much from their experience. The internet was also my prime source for reading, as my local library only had very few books on Buddhism. Thus I was fortunate that so many Buddhist teachings existed on the internet.
The Point of No Return
The second turning point came over a year later, around October 2000, when I had a small insight into the nature of perception or (mental) images. This insight gradually expanded over the next month until I saw the nature of perception quite clearly. This insight was much clearer than anything else before that, and moreover, it was something I could actually use in my daily practise. Over the next couple of months I would be aware of my own attachment to perception in almost any daily situation. Whether it was regarding my own feelings towards things in my life, or something as simple as drying myself with the towel, I found attachment to self, I was clinging to an image, even if it were something as trivial as the habitual image of drying myself with a towel. That particular insight had become like a sword with which I would sever attachments of all kinds in my life. It was this insight, and the cultivation born of it, that set me on a path which could only go one way and would eventually trigger my awakening four months later. Around December, I also discovered the Platform Sutra of Hui Neng the Sixth Patriarch of Zen. The first time I read it, I was alarmed, as the teachings it contained didn't accord with my own understanding at all. I chose to disregard my own understanding though and read it again. During those months, I read it very often and grew more and more fond of it. I did not try to understand the scripture conceptually, but studying that scripture helped my understanding grow immensely at the time.
After months of letting go of so many attachments to images of myself and others, it finally triggered what I would say was the strongest insight experience I had ever had, as it hit me with surprising impact and clarity, which could be said to be my third turning point on the path. It happened just before the new year. I was merely washing the dishes when I realized that everything I experienced was mind. There was no 'out there' to be experienced; only mind. It was all mind, and mind was vaster than the sky itself. It felt as if I was walking around in an infinite bubble that expanded in all directions. I still clung to the dualistic notions between 'me' and mind. It was as if there was mind all around me, and me experiencing that mind. Nonetheless, it was a good incentive to be more aware as I got a real kick out of perceiving a mind vaster than the sky. I felt that Enlightenment could not be far away. It wasn't.
Buddhist Enlightenment and the Internet
(please click)
Just after the new year, I met my teacher via the internet. It did not have much impact on my progress, as his instructions merely affirmed the way my own practise had developed, primarily thanks to my studies of the Platform Sutra.
Nonetheless, it was reassuring to know that there was someone there whom I could rely on to point me in the right direction and alert me when I was heading in the wrong direction.[1]
Sometime around mid-February I began to realize that true realization couldn't be found in the world of cause and effect, that I had to somehow transcend conditioned existence before I make progress. It was as if I was stuck in between. Everything around me seemed absolutely futile. I wasn't really depressed, but rather left with the impression of total futility of the world. It didn't matter what I did or what I practised. It was all bound by conditioned existence, yet I knew that I had to go beyond all conditioned existence. Yet how do you make the transition between conditioned and unconditioned existence? I felt out of tune with myself and everything around me. Yet I knew that this true mind I was searching for could never be found apart from conditioned existence; that this life was all there was. It couldn't be found in conditioned existence, yet not apart from it either. I had realized completely was Enlightenment was not, yet my mind was not yet ready to harvest the fruits of true Enlightenment.
On February the 25th, I broke through the barrier. I was walking home alongside a lake as usually, when I discovered my true self, and that it had always been with me. Because it had always been with me, it didn't really change anything. In fact nothing changed. Because nothing changed, there was no reason to respond to anything, and I walked on as if nothing had happened, entirely undisturbed by what had just been revealed to me.
I cannot pinpoint anything concrete that could have triggered this event. Rather, it was a sudden consequence of something that had happened gradually over a long period of time, namely the falling away of my attachments to 'me' and everything that comes along with that, such as views, concepts, beliefs etc.
The Discovery
I will now try to describe as accurately as possible that which I discovered on that day and which became much clearer to me in the months that followed. Basically, what I discovered cannot be said to be anything. There is absolutely nothing that can distinguish it any way, so trying to describe it is useless really. It is forever indescribable.
Nonetheless, there is a conditioned existence which can be distinguished and when one puts It in relation to this conditioned existence, it is possible to give a description of what it is not. It is not possible to give a positive description of it, yet the via negativia description is not true either. It should be understood that it is not an actual description, but rather a negation in relation to conditioned existence.
I discovered that nothing that can be distinguished as being anything is really me. Everything that is conditioned, subjected to cause and effect and thus impermanent, is not who I really am. That all the thoughts, feelings and views that we harbour have nothing to do with me. Even my body is not really me. There is no 'I'. No one to feel, no one to think or act. All of this happens independently of me, yet not apart from me. The 'I' as such is nothing more than a set of ideas, thoughts and views which are being continuously sustained by dwelling on them and holding on to them as real. Once the false 'I' is seen through, the true self manifests.
My true self is awareness or consciousness, but not as you think of it. What I discovered was that my awareness is not bound by anything at all. I call it the Unconditioned or Essence of Mind. What I mean by Essence of Mind is that when you take everything in the mind and strip away, then there is just this, the essence, left.
It is not bound by space, so it could be called infinite, yet this is not really true as it cannot really be said to have any spatial limits even if this limit is infinity. Thus my true self expands everywhere in all directions, yet it is nowhere to be found.
It is not bound by time, so it could be called eternal, yet this is not really true either, as it is utterly beyond any time limits even if this limit is eternity. My true self was never born, never ages and never dies. Yet to say that I will live for eternity is not true either, as it is utterly beyond time. Perhaps the closest thing would be to say that there is just this utterly unchanging moment, yet this also fails to hit the mark as it could imply that it is static which it is not. It is beyond static and moving. Thus before the world was, I AM. Not before the world, I was, but before the world, I AM. See Dharmadhatu.
It is not bound by any conditioned phenomena (which constitutes all of existence - the entire universe). Since all conditioned phenomena are in a constant state of flux, the Unconditioned could be said to be unmoving, yet this is not really true since it implies something static. Let it be understood that it merely does not participate in the flux of conditioned existence, and this absence of flux is called unmoving.
Since it is not bound by any phenomena, it is not bound by the senses either. There are no sounds in the Unconditioned, so it could be said to be silent, yet this isn't really true either. Rather, it is the absence of sound and silence. It cannot be seen, heard, smelled, felt, tasted or cognised about in any way. Rather, your true self is that which cognises, smells, tastes, feels, hears and sees. Yet this is not entirely true either as this could imply that there is a self experiencing this, and thus bound by the senses. Rather, there is just this awareness of the senses.
It is not dual in any way. Thus it could be said to be non-dual, yet this isn't really true either. Rather, it is neither dual nor non-dual. In actuality, the only thing that creates dualistic notions such as good/bad, here/there and subject/object is your thoughts. Thoughts is that which separates. Thus whenever you are bound by thoughts, you are separated from that which is, and true freedom cannot be found. Thus thoughts will never be able to capture your true self. True freedom means that everything merely is as it is. There is no trying to add or take anything, indulgence or rejection, or perhaps more accurately: There is no 'should'. Only when you are capable of giving up all ideas of anything that 'should' be in any way, including the tendency to think 'should', only then can you truly be free. Even the thought that 'should' should not be there means you are bound. True non-'shouldness' means taking in both 'should' and the absence of 'should' and let everything, even your 'shoulds', be as it is. As long as you are bound by any mental state whatsoever, your true Unconditioned awareness cannot manifest. If your true self can be said to be any mental state, it is the state of no state at all.
Since it is not bound by time or movement it any way, it is always present. Even though you may not realise it, and you are constantly pulled around by your thoughts and views, your true self remains utterly unmoving. Nothing can affect it. Therefore, once you discover your true self, nothing changes at all. If anything changes it is merely that you are now aware of the fact that things are as they are, and that it has always been so. There is nothing to be realised.
Since it is this true ground of reality and there is nothing further beyond this, it could be said to be 'ultimate'. But since it is always present in all things (and always has been), it would mean that everything is ultimate. Since there is nothing for which the ultimate can stand in contradistinction against, what is the point of labeling it such?
Some people may perceive all of this as something deeply mysterious beyond the scope of their own capacities. It is not. It is simple and plain living, and nothing mysterious about it. Do not imagine that this unconditioned awareness is somehow apart from the world and daily life. On the contrary, it could be said that one is even more closer to life than ever before, because there is no separation between you and the world. When caught up in dualism, one creates the illusion of someone being aware (subject) and something to be aware of (object). Yet there is just this awareness, there is nothing to be aware of. Conditioned phenomena are not apart from awareness in any way, yet they not really awareness either.
Perhaps the best way to describe this is to use the analogy of a mirror, the unconditioned awareness being the mirror and conditioned phenomena beings images reflected in the mirror. The mirror doesn't change because reflections arise. It does not dwell upon the reflections, yet the reflections exists nowhere apart from the mirror. The are the mirror, yet the mirror isn't the reflections.
This is as exact as I can possibly describe this discovery, yet it still misses the mark. The only way to truly know is to experience it for yourself. I hope you do someday.
What Happened Afterwards
In the first months just after the Awakening I struggled with a lot of my past views and concepts as they conflicted with the reality of being, mainly my concepts of what I had thought Enlightenment was previously. Especially for the first few weeks, I kept thinking things like "I am Enlightened now. I should know this!", whenever I came across ignorance or delusion. What was even worse was that I had attached to my Awakening and turned it into an object, when in fact it is a continual living experience. I looked only at the understanding derived from this awakening and felt that this was it. Little did I know that understanding truth is useless if you are not actually being truth, being your understanding, rather than turning it into an object and thus separating truth from yourself. I stopped practising for the first couple of weeks and made no attempts to do anything spiritually at all. I had found 'It' and in my pride I figured that this was all that was needed.
As time progressed, it became obvious to me that I wasn't omniscient and that I still needed to practise, even though it had now become a 'non-practise' so to speak. Realizing Enlightenment was one thing: Being Enlightenment is another.
My daily spiritual practise basically changed from being aware to being awareness. To be aware implies that there is something to be aware of (object) and someone being aware (subject) Since there is intrinsically no 'I' to be aware, what is the point of being aware? Rather it is about just being who you really are, just being awareness. What I meant when I said 'non-practise' means simply not doing anything at all, although it should be noted that this does not mean abstaining from doing and just being a useless block. Whenever one takes part actively with the conditioned, one creates volition and sustains the mental baggage one is carrying around. Instead, it is to simply be your unconditioned awareness, and let the process of conditioning take care of itself. Thoughts arise and thoughts are liberated as they arise, simply because one allows all things to be as they are, without any 'should' involved; no giving or taking, no indulgence or rejection, nor abstaining from giving/taking and indulgence/rejection. Everything is allowed to be as it is. Since one does not abstain from the thought process, it is still functional living, as one is more than capable of interacting with the world around you. Probably even more functionally than before since one does not get caught up in the thought process, nor the external circumstances to which the thoughts responds. Both happen and arise, yet since there is no thinker, the thoughts simply arise in response to external circumstances and fall away when there is no longer anything externally to cause the reactionary thought.
Up to this point (and it still is), my practise has revolved mostly around settling in the Enlightenment. Firstly, since that initial Awakening, the insight derived from this has become a lot clearer and settled as past concepts and views has simply fallen away, thus letting the insight penetrate into more and more aspects of being so to speak. The other aspect, which cannot really be separated from the first, is to integrate your awareness more and more into life, growing accustomed to just being your true self. The reason that this cannot be separated from the first is that this is also just letting your true self, which is truth itself, integrate more and more into the various aspects of being. When I say aspects of being, I am talking about division, which are divisions created from my own mental formations, thus it simply means allowing the divisions that we have created for ourselves to fall away so that truth itself can penetrate and liberate.
It is exactly because we have created and nurtured such divisions over such a long period of time, that Enlightenment does not instantly pervade your whole being and all obstructions instantaneously fall away. Thus there are still many delusions, defilements and sufferings left after Awakening. Once Enlightened, I had seen what truth really is, yet I still have to integrate this into my whole life and being and let those divisions fall away, before there can be true unconditional unending freedom. It has always been there with me, it is just a question of uncovering it.
In early June 2001, I decided to help a good friend of mine on the path of truth, after not having spoken with him for many months. He needed guidance on the path, and since I had discovered the way myself, I figured that I might help him, by pointing him in the right direction. He accepts my guidance and I talk with him often, giving him pointers on the path. I talked with my own teacher and he told me that at my current stage, guiding others would be highly beneficial. I can see what he means, but I am no teacher. At the moment, I am still involved in the process of 'settling' and that is really all that I would want to concern myself at the moment. It's not that I mind at all, I am more than happy to help out a friend who needs it, but this is very much the exception to the rule (not that I mind helping others on the path either. I just have no interest in teaching them). Maybe one day I will begin teaching (some ten or twenty years from now), but not now. The Awakening I had was only simply an initial one, not total and complete insight into the nature of all reality.[2] I still have much to learn, most importantly, learning to settle in just being. And that is all I am really doing at the moment.
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Comments by AEN:
That is Stage 4 of Thusness/PasserBy's Seven Stages of Enlightenment
Thusness: "this is the second phase of non-dual but see awareness as something more special than the transient."