My Story & Request for Guidance
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Other than what I refer to as my "hippie phase" in high school, I have had almost no spiritual pursuits in my life. This came to an end only in the last 6 months.
I have been dedicating a momumental effort to achieving success in the business world. Partially because of my desires to give my son a better life and pay my massive student debts, but also partically because "success" had become part of my ego and the context I knew / validated myself through.
Around six months ago an amazing girl came to rent a room with me. She is unlike anyone I've ever known. She exemplifies all the virtues most caring and compassionate people aspire to incorporate. Despite being in her early 20's she has more confidence than anyone I have yet met (intimidating to most, despite her kindness) and more wisom as well (each conversation has given me 3 days worth of life perspective to consider). She has been involved with and advised dozens of humanitarian charities since she was in middle school and is preparing to serve as a doctor in 3rd world countries upon graduation from medical school.
Very early on she told me that she always comes into peoples lives for a reason and in another conversation, she has told me about her healing effect on people (people do become very calm and peaceful).
Although she has never directly given me advice and only discusses spiritual topics when I ask, I can't help feeling like she has (intentionally or otherwise) taken me step by step to completly change my outlook.
I am completly convinced she is enlightened. Only in the last week or two have I asked her questions related to topics that would help me begin to understand what she knows.
The amazing thing has been how quickly things have developed. Although I had meditated when I was younger, I could never silence the thoughts I always had streaming, but amazingly I have been able to do that. In addition, I have been able to remain present for most of the last 3 days straight, even while working. Of course I need to access a memory or consider how to prepare something, but then have been able to return to being present. My ego (when I say this I mean possessing anything that makes me in any way superior to another is gone as far as I can tell... however, the seperateness between myself and others I am still working on).
Given my recent past, this seems like a 180 degree change in my life. A life I never want to go back to. Part of me feels that somehow she is making all this possible, but I am trying to take her off of the pedestal, because otherwise I don't want to make her accomplishments unachievable.
I am at a sticking point right now, and I would love to get feedback from those who have gone far along this road:
I have simultaneously discovered a much greater sense of self (it is strongest as I observe my thoughts or laugh) as well as a incredible connection to others that I experienced before. I feel as though I can sense what is the same in all of us and use that to connect with compassion to everyone (even had an amazing few days with a guy at the job is very hostile and challanging to deal with). Given the incredible feelings of love and joy I have been having I want to continue down this road as far as it goes. However, I have heard that those who are enlightened no longer feel the "self" at all. So am I doing something wrong when I am developing this greater (and different than before) sense of self? Should I just be working to find the commonality of humanity / life? Or is the developing sense of self just uncovering the same essance that I am finding in everyone else and that unites us all?
If it would be helpful for me to share more details on my experiences or my roommate, I'd be happy to.
I greatly appreciate any insights! :)
Thank you,
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Thats wonderful. Your being present is very good work, but it wasn't deep enough, it should not have such being present sort of suff or imagination. VimalakIrti was a buddha as laybuddhist. There were two buddha then, one was sakyamuni, the other was VimalakIrti. VimalakIrti was married and having children as well. Are you referring to romantic affairs sort of and is it a one sided of yours. Be pleasant and not to get yourself emotionally romantic but one sided, and that may ruin you terribly unless you are super romantically calm & happy.
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Haha! Nice to know it is obvious :)
I can say I wholeheartedy love her. I am fairly sure it is a one-sided "romance", although part of me thinks we may develop a romance when / if the timing is right.All that said, my love for her is not primarily romantic. I love her spirit and want to hold her, but I am fine romance never occuring as well.
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Hi DSS1,
Welcome and thanks for sharing.
What enlightened people realized is that there is no eternal, unchanging, independent Self. When it's seen no such self can be established within or apart from the five aggregates, the projection and conceiving of self/Self collapses. Then there is complete intimacy with everything - thoughts, actions, sights, sounds, etc - everything becomes closer than 'you' due to gaplessness. But this is not reified into another grand self. However this does not mean "I am you, you are me, we are one" as all dharmas and mindstreams still remain unique and conventionally I am still me, and you are still you. Conventions are mere imputation that has no reality, mere parlance.
Also in my experience and Thusness there were many stages of enlightenment, not sure if you've seen this before: http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com.au/2007/03/thusnesss-six-stages-of-experience.html