Joke, makes ur day happy! hee
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Dear All - good one!
Its been ages since i post jokes!
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Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee.
You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't
touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me
anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
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Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try
to drown out from your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago and that was his
favourite food!
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee
because
the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my
brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted.
By the way,
my lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a
dime
from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Jack, my brother was
born
Jacqueline. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free! -
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some1 posted b4 but still funny
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Woohoo!!
hosay!
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John said to Mary, "I'll bet you a dollar I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't."
The two dollars were placed on the table. John then threw his arms around Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately.
She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips!"
John pushed the two bills toward her, shrugged and said, "So I lose."
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posted b4??Originally posted by RaTtY81:some1 posted b4 but still funny 
i am late again!!
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haha, must READ properly the first statement har....Originally posted by the Bear:John said to Mary, "I'll bet you a dollar I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't."
The two dollars were placed on the table. John then threw his arms around Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately.
She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips!"
John pushed the two bills toward her, shrugged and said, "So I lose." -
Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,. USING IT. -
And Mary says, after taking the two dollar bills from John," You don't remember me do you? I was in the same boy's soccer team with you at junior high."Originally posted by the Bear:John said to Mary, "I'll bet you a dollar I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't."
The two dollars were placed on the table. John then threw his arms around Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately.
She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips!"
John pushed the two bills toward her, shrugged and said, "So I lose." -
A BEAUTIFUL ANALOGY!
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:
I don't believe that God exists. "Why do you say that?" asked the
customer."Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that
God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be
neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would
allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long,stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
How can you say that? asked the surprised barber. "I
am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!" "No!" the
customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there
would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like
that man outside."
Ah, but barbers DO exist! answered the barber. " What happens, is,people do not come to me. "
Exactly!- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for
Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world." -
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalised ?"
"Well ...." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask them to empty the
bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon ?
2. Would you use the teacup ?
3. Would you use the bucket ?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
(U may choose one inside your heart first)
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug." -
more jokes plz
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in line with the joke above..
this dude's car tyre blew out and he stopped at the side of an asylum where the chain link fence kept the inmates in...
he was attempting to change the tyre and unscrewed the flat tyre.. when he put on the spare, he tripped over the hubcap where the placed the nuts for the tyre and they went into the sewer..
he stood there and wondered what to do...
then he heard from the other side of the fence: dude.. i can solve your problem..
he replied "how?"
the inmate said "take a nut out from each of the other tyres, it should hold until the next service station where you can get help"
the dude said "hmmm.. that's good.. hey.. you're pretty smart.. why are you in the lunatic asylum?"
the maniac replied "man, i'm insane, not dumb!"