LEG TEST
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
PIG FARMER
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud.
"No," she says, "They're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
TWO DRUNKS AND A SAUSAGE
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents, how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar."
"What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"
LOSING DATA
A secretary in our office was trying to save her data on a floppy. She kept complaining that the (single sided) 5 & 1/4 was losing her data. Well, I was asked to investigate. I unwilling approached the gallows.
I asked her to show me what she did when she saved her data. She took out a new disk, inserted it into the drive, formatted it, saved her data, and removed the diskette without a hitch. She then proceeded to peel off a new label, and carefully applied it to the disk.
No problems so far.
She then took the disk, inserted it into the typewriter, scrolled it through the roller, and neatly typed her label.
I found the problem on the first try.
HE'S STUCK
A bloke has a new sports car and takes his girlie out for a drive. She says that if he gets up to 200 km/h she'll take all her clothes off. So he puts his foot down and gets to 200 km/h and she takes all her clothes off!
Anyway, this distracts him and he crashes the car. She gets thrown clear but he's trapped. So he shouts "Get some help" and she says "But I'm naked!" So he chucks her his shoe and tells her to use that to cover herself up.
She puts it over her crotch and off she goes to a garage, and says to the guy behind the counter "Help, my boyfriend's stuck!" He looks at the shoe and says "Sorry, he's in too far, there's nothing I can do."
3 GUYS AND A GIRL IN A PRISON
One night, a girl was sent to jail for a felony charge. While waiting for the court summons, she became desperate and wanted to go escape. So, she asks the 3 guys in the jail with her on how to escape.
Girl: "How do I escape?" 1st guy: "Spend with me one night then I'll show you how to escape."
They spent a night and the next morning the 1st guy disappeared. So the girl asks the second guy.
Girl: "How do I escape?" 2nd guy: "Spend with me one night and I'll teach you how to escape."
They spent a night but the guy disappeared the next morning. Becoming more desperate than usual, she turned to the last guy.
Girl: "Please, teach me how to escape and don't disappear from me!" Last guy: "Sure. Spend with me one night and I'll bring you to a place where you can escape."
They spent a night together and the next morning they disappeared. Why?
Answer: Spend with me one night and I'll tell you the answer.
SEIZE HIM
The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature. Receiving no response at the front door, he went around to the back door and knocked.
A high pitched voice from inside said, "Come in." Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by a large ferocious German shepherd. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall.
The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive." That same high pitched voice came from the next room saying, "Come in."
Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the next room. It was empty, except for a parrot in a cage.
After being terrified by the huge dog, the mail carrier was furious and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides come in?"
Without hesitation the parrot said, "Seize him!"
SCHOOL'S OVER
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"
This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
ONE, TWO, THREE
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.
The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say one, two, three and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say one, two, three, and four and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say one, two, three for?"
I'D LOSE MY SIREN
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. The boy had his little red wagon. He had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat.
He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.
The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren."
WEE-WEE
For many years a guy is looking for a pure and innocent girl to marry.
Finally, he meets a really nice girl, but to be sure he brings her up to his place and after some drinks he drops his pant, holds his penis in his hand and asks her "What is this?" She says "That's a wee-wee."
So convinced of her purity he marries her. He's about to get into bed with her on their honeymoon night when he drops his pajamas and holding his penis in his hand once more, he asks "What's this?" She replies "I told you that's a wee-wee." He says, "No, this is really called a cock." She says "No, a cock is about eight inches long and two inches wide, yours is a wee-wee
ELEPHANT'S TRUNK GLANDS
An old man and a young woman fall in love, but after trying to have sex a number of times the old man cannot stay erect.
They finally go to the doctor and he convinces the old man to have a new experimental procedure, in which an elephant's trunk glands are inserted into his dick, so he can stay erect when they make love.
He loves her, so he decides to try it, and it works! So they plan to get married, and he's invited over to her mother's house for dinner.
At the dinner table when her mother is in the kitchen the girl get horny and reaches under the table and opens the old man's pants and takes his dick out to play with it, but she quickly removes her hand when her mom returns from the kitchen with the food.
But, just as the mother puts the old man's plate down in front of him, the man's unzipped elephant dick suddenly reaches out, over the table and grabs a potato from his plate and pulls it quickly back under the table.
The astonished and dumbfounded mother finally says to the old man, "I can't believe what I just saw, can you do that again?" And the man says, "I'm sure I could, but I don't think I have room in my ass for another potato!"
INVENTING A WOMAN
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention. The assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:"
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Humm," replies God, "Hold on a minute."
God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "You are 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
CAMEL GEAR
Baby Camel: "Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?"
Mum Camel: "They're for storing fat in out in the desert."
Baby Camel: "Why do we have hooves, then?"
Mum Camel: "So our feet don't sink into the hot sand."
Baby Camel: "Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?"
Mum Camel: "To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm."
A moment later...
Baby Camel: "Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?"
JOB INTERVIEW
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. "So, Miss," the interviewer asks, "Can you tell us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Um... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, "Five foot two."
This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, "Jenny."
The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, "What did you do when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, you know: 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
A DIRTY FORK
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly bring him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
MY GOOD OLD BOAT
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
LITTLE BOY AND GIRL
There was once this little boy, and everyday he walked home from school past a little girl's house.
One day this little girl was playing outside, so the little boy walked up to her with his brand new football and said "See this football? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with this." So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother.
The very next day the little girl showed her brand new football to the little boy, who got angry and ran home. The next day, the boy showed up with a new boy's bike and said, "See this bike? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with it."
So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother, and the very next day had a brand new boy's bike.
The little boy got so angry that he pulled down his pants and said, "You see this, only boys can have this, girls can't."
And again the little girl ran inside to tell her mother.
The next day, the boy came back and asked here if she got one.
The little girl pulled up her shirt and said, "My mommy says as long I have a pair of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
LIVER AND CHEESE
Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."
Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."
"No imagination at all," said the poodle.
Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."
"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.
Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
JOHNNY'S GAMBLING PROBLEM
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole, and took his ten dollars."
"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
WHAT IS POLITICS?
A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
TALKING DOG
A man goes into a bar with a dog and sits down at the counter and places the dog on the next stool. "Let me have a beer" says the man, and the dog says "I'll have one too!" The bartender laughs and says "what are you a ventriloquist or something?" The man says "No, he is a talking dog," and the dog says "That's right, where's my beer?"
Well the bartender gives them a beer and after talking to them for a while he realizes this is for real. Finally, being out of cigarettes he asks the owner if his dog can get him some butts down the street. The owner says he never has, but I'm sure he can. So the bartender gives the dog ten dollars for a carton of cigarettes and sends the dog on its way.
Half an hour later when the dog doesn't return the two men get worried and go out looking for the dog. Finally, they pass an alley and there's his dog screwing another dog. The owner says to his dog, "I don't understand, you never did this before." And the dog says "I never had ten dollars before!"
STAND STILL SOLDIER
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter" - that did it.
