Funny Blonde Jokes.

• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:17

  A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
  
  The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
  
  Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
  
  The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”
  
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  Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."
  
  He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
  
  She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
  
  St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
  
  She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."
  
  Again St. Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
  
  She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."
  
  St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."
  
  The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
  
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:18

  Why'd the chicken cross the road?
  
  To show the blonde how!
  
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  A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping off a 31 story building. There were tons of fire trucks on the ground and policemen on the ledge beside her. The policemen tried to coax her down for 3 hours. A few minutes later the blonde looked over the edge, then looked over at the closest policemen and asked, ''How do you commit suicide again?''
  
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  What did Santa say to the three blondes on the corner?
  
  "Ho. Ho. Ho."
  
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  Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?
  
  A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real !'
  
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  A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.
  
  "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."
  
  "Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."
  
  "Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
  
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  One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
  
  Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
  
  "What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
  
  "Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
  
  "Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."
  
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:22

  Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
  
  Because red means stop!
  
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  Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?
  
  Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&M's.
  
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  What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
  
  All you can eat for under a buck.
  
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  Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
  
  A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
  
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  What do you call 24 blondes in a box?
  
  A case of empties!
  
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  What's blonde and has an IQ of 160?
  
  A foursome!
  
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  A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, ''Ocean Cruise Only 5$.''
  
  She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious.
  
  When the blonde wakes up she''s tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, "So do you think they''re going to serve us some food on this trip?"
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:23

  There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ''44 days! 44 days!'' One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ''Why are you chanting 44 days?'' She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ''A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!'''
  
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  Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
  
  It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."
  
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  A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
  
  The man in the car says to her, ''What do you have in the bag?''
  
  The blonde replies: ''I have chickens!''
  
  The man thinks for a moment and says, ''If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?''
  
  The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ''Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"
  
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  Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?
  
  A: They're easier to keep amused.
  
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  Why do blondes wear woolen panties?
  
  To keep their ankles warm.
  
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  What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
  
  Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
  
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  How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
  
  Tell her a joke on Monday!
  
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  A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:24

  A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.
  
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  What's brown and black and blue all over?
  
  A brunette telling too many blonde jokes!
  
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  What do you give a blonde who has everything?
  
  Penicillin.
  
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  A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
  
  "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
  
  "What about the other one?"
  
  "They called back."
  
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  What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
  
  A brunette.
  
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  What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
  
  Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
  
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  A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.
  
  “Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget.
  
  The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.”
  
  The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:25

  Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?
  
  A: There's white-out all over the screen.
  
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  One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
  
  ''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''
  
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  What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
  
  Everyone gets a turn
  
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  A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino.
  
  ''Do you want it hot or cold?''
  
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  Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?
  
  A: It was going too fast for her to get on
  
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  Why don't blondes take birth control pills?
  
  Because they keep falling out.
  
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  What's the difference between a blonde and Windows 95?
  
  The blonde operates on more laptops!
  
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  What do you ask a blonde in a drive-thru?
  
  Is that for here or to go?
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 00:27

  A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."
  
  The bartender says, "What's an M L?"
  
  The brunette says, "A Miller Light."
  
  Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"
  
  The bartender says, "What's a B L?"
  
  She says, "Bud Light."
  
  A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."
  
  The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"
  
  The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"
  
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  Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
  
  In case she locks her keys inside.
  
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  Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
  
  Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
  
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  If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first?
  
  The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
  
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  Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine ?
  
  A: ''Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami !''
  
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  Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
  
  For people who don't drink.
  
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  A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
  
  The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
  
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:12

  What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
  
  They're both empty from the neck up!
  
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  A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what she's doing.
  
  "Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."
  
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  A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
  
  "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
  
  So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
  
  "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
  
  "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
  
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  A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
  
  The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"
  
  The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."
  
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  This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:13

  What do you call a smart blonde?
  
  A Golden Retriever.
  
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  A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
  
  The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
  
  The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
  
  The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
  
  The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
  
  The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
  
  The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
  
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  Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
  
  When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
  
  The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
  
  At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
  
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  The doctor tells the blonde, "you're pregnant!"
  
  The blonde says, "are you sure it's mine?"
  
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  One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
  
  He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
  
  She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
  
  The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
  
  At that number, the blonde agrees.
  
  The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
  
  "Got it," she replies.
  
  He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
  
  Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
  
  The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
  
  Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
  
  She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:14

  Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
  
  From crawling across the street when the sign said, ''DON'T WALK.''
  
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  Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
  
  Because they leave to answer the door.
  
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  Why does a blonde smile at lightning?
  
  She thinks she's getting her picture taken.
  
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  Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
  
  A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.
  
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  What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
  
  A brick wall's only been laid once!
  
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  One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.
  
  "What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.
  
  "Shut up! You're next!"
  
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  What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's sexually active?
  
  "No, I just lie there."
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:15

  Why does a blond prefer BMW over Chevrolet?
  
  She can spell BMW!
  
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  Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
  
  A: "I'm soooo drunk."
  
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  Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
  
  A: So she could use it as a mirror.
  
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  There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
  
  "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
  
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  Why don't Blondes make good cattle ranchers?
  
  They can't keep their calves together.
  
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  Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
  
  She thought it was Diet Coke!
  
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  Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?
  
  A: She moved.
  
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  Why is a blonde's top speed 68 mph?
  
  Because if it was 69 she would blow a rod.
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:16

  Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
  
  A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,
  
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  How do you keep a blonde at home?
  
  Build a circular driveway.
  
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  What do you call a blond with two brain cells? ''PREGNANT''
  
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  A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
  
  "Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."
  
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  A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?'' The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?'' ''No,'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it.''
  
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  What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10:00 pm?
  
  She goes home.
  
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  Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde.
  
  Which one had the best figure?
  
  The blonde - she was 18.
  
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  Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
  
  A: She missed the Earth!
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:17

  Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
  
  A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
  
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  "Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
  
  When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."
  
  "Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"
  
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  A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.
  
  "What's going on here, ma'am?"
  
  "Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.
  
  "Ma'am. That's your air freshener."
  
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  What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
  
  Not everyone's been in a 747!
  
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  Knock knock
  
  Who's there?
  
  Britney Spears
  
  Britney Spears who?
  
  Knock knock
  
  Who's there?
  
  Oops I did it again!
  
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  Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?
  
  A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.
  
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  The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
  
  “Parking for drive-through customers only!”
  
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  How did the blonde girl put out her cigarette?
  
  She threw it in the water and stepped on it.
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:18

  What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?
  
  Must be an earthquake!
  
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  What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
  
  Translator.
  
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  How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw in a lightbulb?
  
  She doesn't know — she's used to screwing other things.
  
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  How does a blonde kill a fish?
  
  She tries to drown it!
  
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  TO: Boss
  
  FROM: Blondie
  
  RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
  
  I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
  
  Januark
  
  Februark
  
  Mak
  
  Julk
  
  I also changed all the days of each week to:
  
  Sundak
  
  Mondak
  
  Tuesdak
  
  Wednesdak
  
  Thursdak
  
  Fridak
  
  Saturdak
  
  We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
  
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  She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".
  
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  What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
  
  They have both been laid all over America.
  
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  A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, “21, 21, 21.” A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, “22, 22, 22....”
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:19

  Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
  
  A: One hundred: one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the house.
  
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  The Top 6 Ways a Football is Like a Blonde
  
  6. Both are made out of plastic.
  
  5. Both are full of hot air.
  
  4. Both are frequently passed from man to man.
  
  3. Both have been known to score.
  
  2. Both are often handled by hot, sweaty guys on television.
  
  1. Women aren't especially fond of them.
  
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  Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
  
  A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
  
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  A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island. The redhead looks to the east and says that the shore is about 20 miles away. She swims out 10 miles, but gets tired and drowns.
  
  The brunette also looks to the east, figures the distance to shore is about 20 miles, and starts swimming. She gets 15 miles, but gets tired and drowns.
  
  The blonde figures about 20 miles to the shore also. She swims 19 miles, to the point where she can barely see the shore, and gets tired. So she swims back.
  
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  Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
  
  A blonde tried to shoot herself!
  
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  How do you break a blonde's nose?
  
  Place a dildo under a glass table!
  
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  A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
  
  "Yes," says the blonde.
  
  "Are their lights on?"
  
  The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
  
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:20

  How many blondes does it take to shingle a roof?
  
  Depends on how thin you slice them.
  
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  Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three blondes were in the bar for about an hour before the fourth finally came in, looking frustrated. They asked, 'What took you so long?' She responded, 'Well, I had trouble getting the tail gate open!'
  
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  At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
  
  "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
  
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  A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
  
  The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
  
  The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
  
  The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
  
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  A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
  
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  wo tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''
  
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  How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
  
  How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
  
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  Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
  
  After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
  
  The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:33

  Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire State Building. How can you tell which one is the true blonde and which one is the bleached blonde?
  
  A: The bleached blonde isn't throwing bread crumbs at the helicopters!
  
  ----------
  
  What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
  
  Turning off the car!
  
  ------------
  
  How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
  
  Shine a flashlight in her ear.
  
  ---------
  
  What's the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
  
  They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort!
  
  -----------
  
  Q: What do blondes have in common with butter?
  
  A: They both spread for bread.
  
  --------------
  
  Q: Why was the blonde late for work?
  
  A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.
  
  ------------
  
  What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair?
  
  Artifical intelligence.
  
  ------------
  
  A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.
  
  She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"
  
  Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:34

  What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
  
  A brain tumor.
  
  -----------
  
  What is a blonde's mating call?
  
  ''NEXT!''
  
  -----------
  
  Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?
  
  A: She turns the ignition key.
  
  -----------
  
  What's the difference between a blonde and a construction worker?
  
  One lays bricks and the other lays pricks!
  
  ------------
  
  A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''
  
  ----------
  
  How did the blonde die icefishing?
  
  She got run over by the zamboni!
  
  --------------
  
  What did the father say to his blonde daughter?
  
  ''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''
  
  --------------
  
  Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
  
  A: A whine cellar.
  
  ------------
  
  What do blondes and shrimps have in common?
  
  Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits are nice.
  
  -----------
  
  A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?
  
  The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:35

  A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
  
  The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
  
  "You're finished already?" he asked.
  
  "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
  
  "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
  
  ---------------
  
  Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
  
  She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
  
  --------------
  
  Why are blonde jokes so short?
  
  So the guys telling 'em can understand 'em!
  
  --------------
  
  One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
  
  The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
  
  So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
  
  ---------------
  
  Q: How do blondes pierce their ears ?
  
  A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
  
  ----------------
  
  Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas?
  
  A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.
  
  ------------
  
  How do you get a blonde on the roof?
  
  ....tell her drinks are on the house.
  
  --------------
  
  Q: Why did God create blondes?
  
  A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
  
  Q: Why did God create brunettes?
  
  A: Neither could the blondes.
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:36

  It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
  
  And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"
  
  And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
  
  -------------
  
  Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
  
  "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
  
  "Help us, help us!" yells the other.
  
  "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
  
  "Good idea," said the other.
  
  "Together, together!"
  
  -----------
  
  Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
  
  --------------
  
  How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
  
  Envelopes in the disk drive.
  
  --------------
  
  Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?
  
  She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
  
  -------------
  
  Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag?
  
  A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''
  
  ------------
  
  id you hear about the blonde and the weight loss video?
  
  She threw it away because the people in the video weren't losing weight either!
  
  ------------
  
  Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
  
  That's where you wash all your vegetables!
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:36

  There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''
  
  ----------------
  
  Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
  
  One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
  
  "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
  
  ----------------
  
  Q: What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
  
  A: Go home!
  
  -------------
  
  A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
  
  The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
  
  Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
  
  Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
  
  The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
  
  She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
  
  He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
  
  --------------
  
  How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
  
  Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
  
  
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:37

  One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
  
  ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''
  
  ------------
  
  What does XXX stand for in a porno film?
  
  It's the signature of the three blondes who act in it.
  
  -------------
  
  Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
  
  A: They're both screwed on their back.
  
  --------------
  
  Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
  
  A: Nothing -- they've never met.
  
  -----------
  
  Why are so many blondes rushing out to get breast implants?
  
  So they don't have to pay the flat tax.
  
  ------------
  
  A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
  
  She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
  
  The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''
  
  ---------------
  
  A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
  
  The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:38

  Want to hear three blonde jokes?
  
  Listen to Hanson!
  
  --------------
  
  A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
  
  The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
  
  The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
  
  The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
  
  ------------
  
  Why are Blondes like pianos?
  
  Because when they're not upright they are grand!
  
  --------------
  
  How do you tell a blonde isn't wearing underwear?
  
  Dandruff on her shoes!
  
  ---------------
  
  Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
  
  Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
  
  ---------------
  
  At the basketball game why did the blonde say, ''I stopped aging!''
  
  Because the clock stopped.
  
  -------------
  
  officer wants to ask her a few questions....
  
  Officer: What's 2+2?
  
  Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
  
  Officer: What's the square root of 100?
  
  Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
  
  Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
  
  Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
  
  Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
  
  The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
  
  ------------
  
  What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA?
  
  "Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:39

  A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
  
  "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
  
  ''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''
  
  -------------
  
  Q: How do you give a blonde more head room?
  
  A: Adjust the steering wheel.
  
  ------------
  
  Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
  
  From chasing parked cars!
  
  ------------
  
  Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
  
  A: A bus shelter.
  
  ----------
  
  A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to Makeout Mountain, where things get a little hot 'n' heavy. Then the guy leans over.
  
  "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
  
  "No." Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again.
  
  "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
  
  "No." A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask agin.
  
  "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
  
  "No."
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Because I want to stay up here with you."
  
  ------------
  
  A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
  
  Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''
  
  The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
  
  Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''
  
  The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''
  
  Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."
• Donald Trump

  7 Dec 04, 01:41

  There were two blondes, one was on one side of the lake and one was on the other. One blonde yelled to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde yelled back, "You're already on the other side!"
  
  --------------
  
  Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?
  
  Because their balls hang out!
  
  -------------
  
  Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
  
  It makes them feel popular.
  
  ---------------
  
  A blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian, ''Can I have a burger and fries?''
  
  ''Sorry, this is a library.''
  
  So the blonde whispers, ''Oh, may I have a burger and fries?''
  
  -------------
  
  What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
  
  A visitor.
  
  --------------
  
  A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
  
  "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
  
  She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
  
  "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
  
  "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
  
  She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
  
  "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
  
  Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
  
  "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
  
  -----------
  
  Q: What do you call a blonde who eats too much?
  
  A: Fat.
  
  ------------
  
  How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  
  None. They only screw in cars.
  
  ------------
  
  Why don't blondes get coffee breaks at work?
  
  Because retraining costs too much!
  
  --------------
  
  A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
  
  The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
  
  The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
  
  Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
  
  She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
  
  She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
  
  The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."