funny/dirty jokes......
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i'll start 1....
Three guys are having a drink at the bar when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the tallest guy in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!"
The guy in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back into the street.
A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the same bar, points a grimy finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!".
Finally, the tall guy in middle responds,
"I know dad! I heard you the first time now go home!"
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are you the guy?
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Anymore? -
not funny at all...?
i cannot 
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Originally posted by S_T_F_U:not funny at all...?
i cannot 
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There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .' -
1st "joke" is a real joke.. 2nd 1 is better
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i read this joke before, quite funny. please be patience wif my bad english.
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One day, a son asked his dad.
"Dad, what is the difference between fantasy and reality?"
"Ok, I will show you an example." Dad replied.
The dad turns and shouts at his wife, "Darling, what will you do if Brad Pitt offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"Hell ya, I will ^@*@ Brad!" exclaimed the wife.
"See!" Father told the son. Father turns and shouts at the daughter,
"Sweetie, what will you do if Tom Cruise offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"YES!!! FATHER!!! I will goes everything for $50K!!!" the elder daughter shouts delightly.
"You see son, in FANTASY, our family is $100,000 richer." said the father.
"But in REALITY, we are living wif a bunch of wh0rEs!" -
ROFLMAOOriginally posted by 798:i read this joke before, quite funny. please be patience wif my bad english.
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One day, a son asked his dad.
"Dad, what is the difference between fantasy and reality?"
"Ok, I will show you an example." Dad replied.
The dad turns and shouts at his wife, "Darling, what will you do if Brad Pitt offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"Hell ya, I will ^@*@ Brad!" exclaimed the wife.
"See!" Father told the son. Father turns and shouts at the daughter,
"Sweetie, what will you do if Tom Cruise offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"YES!!! FATHER!!! I will goes everything for $50K!!!" the elder daughter shouts delightly.
"You see son, in FANTASY, our family is $100,000 richer." said the father.
"But in REALITY, we are living wif a bunch of wh0rEs!" lol: lol: [/code] -
ROFLMAOOriginally posted by 798:i read this joke before, quite funny. please be patience wif my bad english.
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One day, a son asked his dad.
"Dad, what is the difference between fantasy and reality?"
"Ok, I will show you an example." Dad replied.
The dad turns and shouts at his wife, "Darling, what will you do if Brad Pitt offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"Hell ya, I will ^@*@ Brad!" exclaimed the wife.
"See!" Father told the son. Father turns and shouts at the daughter,
"Sweetie, what will you do if Tom Cruise offers you $50,000 to sleep wif him?"
"YES!!! FATHER!!! I will goes everything for $50K!!!" the elder daughter shouts delightly.
"You see son, in FANTASY, our family is $100,000 richer." said the father.
"But in REALITY, we are living wif a bunch of wh0rEs!" -
One HKer couple who just got married they went to ShenZhen China for a weekend trip, they got robbed by a 2 robbers. First they ask for money, so the couple gave them all their cash, then the robber wanted more, they want to bang the lady.
So the husband beg the robbers, "Please, dont rape her, i will do whatever you want if you dont rape her"
"Whatever i want? i dun believe. OK, if you two s.h.i.t right now and eat each other's s.h.i.t , i will not rape her, and i will return all the cash to you."
The couple do as the robber said.
"Fine, you HKer are even dare to eat s.h.i.t !! I let you go this time"
So they got thier cash back and quickly go back HK. On the way back home, the wife suddenly said " I want to divorce"
The husband ask "But why?? I love you so much that i can even eat s.h.i.t for you."
The wife replied: "If you really love me, why the hell you s.h.i.t so much for me to eat???" -
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied,
“Well, I got lost once.” -
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement." -
Originally posted by IceGeek:A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
NICE
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
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evil
nice!! -
more more more... !
Heres a few contribution from me :
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.
But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
another 1....
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
another 1...
Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss. Can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.
The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit instead."
another 1...
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
another 1...
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Last and most funny i believe...
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word penis in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the black board.Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the days lesson.Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each days word, larger than the previous days word.Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,The more you rub it, the bigger it gets