Troubled Guy.. pls help
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Hi guys,
this is my first post nice to meet u all. here's my trouble
I went steady wif my gf for 2 years, from the start of the relationship, she told me she was a virgin. This was something i was very happy about.i love her so much that i have distanced myself from other females.She was the ger i want to marry. It was recently that i found out that she lied to me. She had sex when she was 17.(i knew her when she was 19).I was distraughted when i was told and i forced her to admit. I cant accept the fact that she lied to me for 2 years. B4 i knew the truth, i trusted her so much
I have forgiven her since and she really tried to make it up for me. She is treating me better since. But that hurt of ego really take times to heal. I am now feeling troubled and cant sleep well at nite since then as i would always think of that guy having sex with my gf and i will feel damm jeolous and angry. But i still love her. I dunnoe how to stop this thinking and i am seeking help. I dunnoe whether i am posting in the rite forum but i believe the people here are mature enough to give constructive advise. -
Y bother she is a virgin or not? Tat was in the past. It is better than havin sex wif another guy when she is wif u rite? Mayb she is so scared tat u will mind n luv u so much, tats y she doesn't wan to tell u at first. When she feels tat its the suitable time to tell u, tat means she is stable wif ur relationship already. At least she told u, she is true to u.
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I didnt found out from her.. it was one of my best frens. My fren happens to noe the guy. My best fren have noe it b4 i even went steady wif her. And u noe wat i did? At that time,I defended her and make it clear to my fren that she wasnt a loose ger. We nearly fought.At that point I felt confused y my fren was so confident about wat he told me. That is y i asked my gf and make her admit. I was very hurt when i heard her say:"Dear, i am sorry"
The way i got to noe the truth was really cruel. That is y i am still affected after i have forgiven her. I appreciate yur help but wat i really want is someone to enlighten me on how to stop this feeling tat i am afraid is affecting my relationship wif my gf. -
She is afraid that you may not want her anymore if she told you she is not a virgin.
See her as who she is now. If you keep holding on to her past, you will not be happy even if you have married her next time. -
I can say tt ur reaction is Perfectly Normal if such thing has befallen anyone.....including me.....However, juz take sometime to cool down......ask urself these:
1) Am i angry at her abt lying to me for 2 yrs?
2) Or the fact tt she isnt a Virgin?
3) Can it also be.....tt i found out the truth fr another instead of her....???
Before u answer to these Qns......i have some queries & i need help fr. u:
1) "This was something i was very happy about"
happy abt finding out tt she was a Virgin......(so this is wat u really feel? If she did tell u the truth 2 yrs back, the outcome wld most probably be not even starting the whole r/ship at all?,,,,wat say u?)
2) "At that time,I defended her and make it clear to my fren that she wasnt a loose ger." 1st of all, pls define the word LOOSE. (u mean ALL MARRIED WOMEN WHO R NOT VIRGIN R LOOSE? And defending ur Gf tt she isnt a LOOSE girl...u mean tt's not wat u r supposed to do?)
Hey fren.......who does not have a Past? I'd love to have a brand new car as well....but tt does not mean tt a 2nd hand car is lousy.....why do u need a car?.......convenient purposes rite?......it will be old one day.....who cares 1st hand...2nd, 3rd or 4th hand?!??!?
Why r with ur Gf?.....she like her rite?.....so wat if she's no longer a Virgin?.....does it matter?.....I cant say tt Virginity is sth like trash & she rite abt giving it to someone bfe u instead of u.....BUT, izzit Wrong?.....im glad tt u treat Virginity as sth 'holy' in a sense, it does mean as much to a gal as well........juz think again......it's not abt rite or wrong.....it's abt U...how u see Virginity. Dun spoil this 2-yr r/ship bcoz of how u view Virginity seriously....
Gd luck pal
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haiz....she did it once better than she did it many times with diff guys rite...anyway nw is 2002 liao...most guys wont mind if the gf is virgin or not virgin.... ask urself if u really love her...if yes, u should accept all her..
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Ya. you might not accept it too suddenly but you will slowly have to accept the fact she is not virgin. If you still can't get over it after a period of time, your relationship will be on the rocks..
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Get over it is all i can say...
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crap... y bother abt her being a virgin or not in the 1st place...
crappy crap
remember... u like her soul... not her body...
or is that not....?
anyway calling her loose was very unkind...
standing in her position:
she tot that the relationship could have worked, she did it when she liked that guy. She didn't had a fling.
get it over man!
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Well, reallieRAW was rite.
Virgin or not, does it really matter ? It's 2002 ppl do sports for recreation, it may also break the virginity, what the hell. It's the girl ur girlfriend is that you love and cherish rite ? What's the hymen of the organ need to do with that ?
Friend, sometimes in life, loving someone include loving everything about her, personality, mentally, the heart and physically. Most of all , loving her weakness and imcomplete development of personality where u two will live n love to complete it. Sometimes it would be a sweet and nice thing to look at your gf's weakness as a concept where in this world "Nobody is perfect"
Give yourself some time off, go to a calm place, a garden or beach, just sat there and think, what really matter ? My love for her or my complain on her non virginity ? Love over complain or complain over love ? It's very difficult for two person to be in love in this world and to stay well together, once u r in it, dun let small things get u out, IT'S NOT WORTH IT MAN ..........
I wish u good luck ! -
Well one thing for sure...IF YOU LOVE HER..YOU WOULD CARE WHETHER SHE IS VIRGIN OR NOT. Love cannot be judge on whether the person is a virgin or not rite?
She has done something wrong but one thing for sure, she has the guts to admit it. She could have continue to lie to you!! And can you say you never even tell a lie to her, even a white lie?
You love her for who she is...not what she is. Remember that pal!! -
I am really grateful that there was no flaming to my post and i really appreciate those who tried to help. Well, I really see some light after reading Reallieraw's post. Thanx alot. I guess i really need some time to get over wif it. But all i can say i am grateful to those hu post out of good faith.
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Bro reallieRAW,
I was happy that she is a virgin becoz she was always the angel in my eyes, and honestly, virginity of my future wife is wat i have always wanted. I always heard people saying that nowadays, it is hard to find a gf who is a virgin. When i thought i got 1, I was very proud deep in my heart. I thought i was a very lucky guy and i treasure her alot.
When i said loose gal, becoz at that point of time, i only wanted to convince my fren and myself that she did not have sex wif anyone else b4. I didnt really wanted to insult anyone. Btw even when i noe that she had sex wif another guy, i didnt even have in mind that she is loose coz that guy was ... her ex bf. I really hope Bro reallieRAW
understand y i say those thing. -
I guess most of the posts above have summed up the general concensus of the "mature" pple in this forum.
one thing that came to my mind was this:
it doesn't matter whether u are upset about her lying to u for 2 years, or that she isn't a virgin which u hope ur wife to be, or both. wat seems to bother me, or rather should bother u, is why she had to lie?
if one partner has to lie to another to get accepted then it's all wrong. maybe she was young and didn't understand that honesty and sincerity is very very important, and that a white lie could just solve everything. yes she truly likes/loves you, but she's afraid of rejection (or anything else bad, for that matter) that she'd rather lie to u than lose u. that, in essence, to me, is not desirable in a stable relationship.
now we have to look at urself. are u imposing too much pressure on her that any "wrong-doing" on her part will incur an irrecoverable wrath from u? i dun think u seem like the type that will only have ur coffee with two sugars and nothing else will go down your throat. in other words, i'm sure u are more flexible than "i dun care, my wife HAS to be a virgin". Bear in mind that i'm not talking about just her virginity here. what i'm saying is that u may have all these expectations on her that she feels if she can't fulfil she'd rather lie than to lose u. i hope this is not the case.
watever the case is, u both have to learn from this. i seriously dun think this should be the cause of a break-up, or a sour point in ur relationship. take this opportunity to get to know one another better. ask her nicely why she lied in the first place. assure her that u accept her for who she is, not for how well she can lie about herself. that is of course, in the first place, u can accept her for who she is.
talk it out nicely, u want her to live in happiness and security in ur arms, not in fear of offending u. likewise, you dun wanna be always thinking that she could lie to u about anything and that u always have to be on the lookout for clues to her darker side. living in a reln like this is just pure hell.
btw if i seem to be accusing u of anything above then i'd like to disclaim myself if u could just put "ifs" and "mays" where such statements exist.
overall, i think this can be a good thing that has happened. may u both grow closer and in greater understanding of each other thru this seemingly bad situation. you choose: u want to make this a good learning experience, or keep harbouring unhappee thoughts. it's one or the other, becos it won't be the same as the day b4 u found out she wasn't a virgin.
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Hmmm.....Im juz glad tt U r able to recognize the imperfections tt can be found in r/ships.......more often than not.....it's not wat the things u can see, listen or feel......Originally posted by UnhappyGuy:Bro reallieRAW,
I was happy that she is a virgin becoz she was always the angel in my eyes, and honestly, virginity of my future wife is wat i have always wanted. I always heard people saying that nowadays, it is hard to find a gf who is a virgin. When i thought i got 1, I was very proud deep in my heart. I thought i was a very lucky guy and i treasure her alot.
When i said loose gal, becoz at that point of time, i only wanted to convince my fren and myself that she did not have sex wif anyone else b4. I didnt really wanted to insult anyone. Btw even when i noe that she had sex wif another guy, i didnt even have in mind that she is loose coz that guy was ... her ex bf. I really hope Bro reallieRAW
understand y i say those thing.
It's juz our minds......our thoughts tt wldnt rest to settle n sort out.......n our hearts.....juz too insecure to trust n stop to suspect......
Im sure everyone of us here hope to update fr u the Gd news soon enuff
Btw......Joho has managed to raise a Gd pt we've all missed out.....abt 'LIE'
it 'may not' play an impt part given this present situation (in my opinion, it may juz be the fear of losing U) but DEFINITELY worth ur attention to maintain this r/ship well.......u need to Trust her.....n Let her be Honest with u....Dun doubt her anymore.....Trust her completely so listen to wat she has to say....
Again.....all the best -
Opppss.....do i need to clarify?!?!?
i dun mind u calling me BRO lah (very qing qie).....
but it really sounds like wat im ermmm...erm.....wearing all the while ever since puberty lor......my BRA 
GOTCHA?