Cyber Sex

• Hydro

  19 Dec 02, 04:37

  Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known
  as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
  Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below,
  one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
  chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex.
  Then again, maybe he does....
  
  Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
  
  Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
  high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.
  My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
  
  Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and
  I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart.
  I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on
  it from dinner. It's smells funny.
  
  Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?
  
  Wellhung: OK
  
  Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on
  the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up
  into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
  begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
  
  Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
  
  Wellhung Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.
  My hands are trembling.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
  
  Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it
  off slowly.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
  The cool silk slides off my warm skin.
  I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
  
  Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally
  rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
  
  Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
  
  Wellhung:I'll pay for it.
  
  Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
  My soft breasts are rising and falling,
  as I breath harder and harder.
  
  Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
  I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
  
  Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...
  I'm reaching back undoing the clasp.
  The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.
  My nipples are erect for you.
  
  Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
  inspecting the clasp.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
  I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
  
  Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
  breasts. They're neat!
  
  Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
  Now I'm nibbling your ear.
  
  Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
  with spit and phlegm.
  
  Sweetheart: What?
  
  Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with
  the remains of my blouse.
  
  Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
  I drop it with a plop.
  
  Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.
  Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
  
  Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!
  
  Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going
  all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.
  
  Sweetheart: What's the matter?
  
  Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
  I'm choking!
  
  Sweetheart: Are you OK?
  
  Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.
  
  Sweetheart: Can I help?
  
  Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
  I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
  Where do you keep your cups?
  
  Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
  
  Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
  
  Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.
  
  Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
  
  Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
  cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
  Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
  
  Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
  
  Wellhung: I found it.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning.
  I want you so badly
  
  Wellhung: Me too.
  
  Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our
  naked bodies pressing each other.
  
  Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.
  It hurts.
  
  Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
  
  Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
  I place the glasses on the night table.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
  
  Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly
  across the room and toward the bathroom.
  
  Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!
  
  Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
  for the toilet. I lift the lid.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
  
  Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
  handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
  
  Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
  
  Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your
  laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
  blindly feeling my way.
  
  Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
  
  Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...
  in your... you know...woman's thing.
  
  Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
  
  Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I
  kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
  stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
  
  Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
  
  Sweetheart: What?
  
  Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around,
  an incredulous look on my face.
  
  Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
  is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
  
  Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting
  on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
  
  Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
  table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking
  over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
  
  Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.
  Now I'm putting on my shoes.
  
  Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
  One of our candles fell on the curtain.
  The curtain is on fire!
  I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
  
  Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!
  
  Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
  
  Sweetheart: Bye!!!
  
  
• Hydro

  19 Dec 02, 04:38

  1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
  
  2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
  
  3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
  
  4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
  
  5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
  
  6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
  
  7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
  
  8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
  
  9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
  
  10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
  
  
• Hydro

  19 Dec 02, 04:39

  A SECRETARY COMPLAINS ABOUT HER BOSS
  
  She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed.
  
  Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP
  position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by
  the SPREADSHEET format.
  
  I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK,
  
  so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.
  
  Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so
  that he is VIRUS FREE.
  
  Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER
  the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.
  
  Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to
  
  his HOME
  
  where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"
  
  Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or
  "helmet")
  
  and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he
  looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...
  
  This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM.
  
  
• sgboy2004

  19 Dec 02, 19:05

  Very good