Joke...
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A little boy and his grandfather are fishing.
Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, "I just won $50,000!"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself!" -
haha .. penis got so long meh. very rare la.
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There were three ants. The three of them found a nice woman to spend the night on. The ants decided to split up and find the perfect spot to sleep on. The first ant went inside the woman's ear. The second ant went inside the woman's naval and the third ant went inside the woman's vagina.
The next day the three ants met up with each other and told each other of their experiences.
The first ant said, "All I heard was moaning."
The second ant said, "Hey, I heard the same thing."
The third ant said, "I couldnt even sleep last night! There was some bald guy spitting at me!" -
feral!!! but still funniOriginally posted by ChRiS TaY:There were three ants. The three of them found a nice woman to spend the night on. The ants decided to split up and find the perfect spot to sleep on. The first ant went inside the woman's ear. The second ant went inside the woman's naval and the third ant went inside the woman's vagina.
The next day the three ants met up with each other and told each other of their experiences.
The first ant said, "All I heard was moaning."
The second ant said, "Hey, I heard the same thing."
The third ant said, "I couldnt even sleep last night! There was some bald guy spitting at me!"
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hahaha
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A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's re-live some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." -
Originally posted by ChRiS TaY:A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's re-live some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." -
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." -
Two men were stranded in a desert.
For days they go without food or water, until they come upon a carcass of a camel.
the first guy says 'come on! let's eat that! i'm hungry! i can't take it anymore!'
the other guy says 'no way! its probably dead for days! u go ahead'
the first guy scrambles to the camel and starts eating it (magots n all)
after eating the first guys says 'phew, that felt good'
they walk on for a few more hours when the first guy says 'urg, i think the food is giving me a stomachache. and he threw up onto the floor
the second guys runs to the vomit and starts to gobble it all up!
the first guy says 'why are u eating THAT?!?'
the reply 'Finally! WARM FOOD!' -
thanz -
A German, American & Indian were stranded on the beach
So, naturally the american starts telling the german to start building
a shelter, while he goes and search for wood to start a fire.
the indian stands there and asks 'thousand apologies, but what will i be doing mr american?'
then american thinks and replies 'u go in there and find supplies.'
the indian nods, and proceeds into the jungle...
after a few hours, the american and the german are done doing their part, and the german asks 'vhere do you think he is?'
'i dunno' says the american 'let's go find him!'
they arm themselves and bash their way thru into the jungle.
suddenly the indian jumps out and shouts 'SUPPLIES!' -
Alex , Robert and Danny are lost in the vast jungles of South America. After hours of hacking through the undergrowth, they came upon a group of natives. Their hands were promptly tied up and the three of them were brought back to the leader of the tribe. "You have committed a sin by trespassing on the sacred land of our ancients. According to our custom, the only way for the three of you is to find 10 fruits of the same kind before this incense finishes burning and bring them back here! Only the one that reaches here first will be spared!" With that, the tribe leader lights a stick of incense, assigns a guard to each guy and the three guys scurry off to find the fruits that the leader wants. Alex comes back by half an hour with 10 watermelons and realises that he is the first one. He heaves a sigh of relief. Robert comes in second after an hour with 10 apples and Danny comes in last after an hour and a half with 10 bananas. In a flash, Robert and Danny were killed by poison darts shot from the natives' blowpipes. "You came in first! As promised, you will be spared."said the leader. There was tears in Alex's eyes as he realised that he would not have to die. "However,in accordance to our custom, you will only be released after the fruits you have chosen have been stuffed in your arse!" -
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" -
A girl went to see her doctor, so he could teach her about the 'birds and the bees'.
When they got to the part about sex and pregnancies, she asked her doctor, "Can I get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course you can dear replied the doctor, that is where attorneys come from!" -
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day." -
hahahhaa
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At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug." -
3 gals are discussing what they want to be the next life. Gal A says she want to be a rose, so everyone can sniff her. Gal B says she want to be an ice cream, so everyone can lick her. Gal C says she want to be an ambulance, so that everyone can enter her from the back and she still can "yi oh yi oh yi oh".
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no offence to wendy81 but ...
on vacation to Rio De Janerio, Brazil, a guy was peeing in the gents when he looked at the guy at the next urinal. the first guy had a girlfriend named wendy, and had her name tatooed on his dick. he saw that the other guy also had the name "Wendy" there and asked, "hey, is your girlfriend also called Wendy?"
the reply : "no, but when i see a pretty girl, it says 'Welcome to Rio De Janerio, have a nice day!'" -
A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.
She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.
On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"
Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"
This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."
"That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them."
"Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!" -
wooo...Originally posted by ChRiS TaY:A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." -
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!'' -
A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh, One guy whispers something in the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh.
The following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, and offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The guy who won the last week takes the horse off to the bathroom. When they come back, the horse is crying his eyes out. Amazed, the man says, " Last week, I told the horse that I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed it to him ." -
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!" -
You must be tired AND bored to come up with such dry humour *not laughing* ....*yawn*
Oh well no fuss here, need some boring stuff to up my ante now and then ...