Musical Condoms
What do you call a bunch of condoms that play metal? A rubber band.
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Condoms with Bush
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Freecondoms.com.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
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Viagra
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
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Hot Date
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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Condom Factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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Grandpa
A Grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather. "It's a condom" replies the grandson sheepishly. "What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.
The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and lies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
To his surprise his grandpa says "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like" asks the pharmacist.
"Oh, big enough to fit a camel"
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Three Nuns
Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, "I was going through the Father's office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
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Cover Me
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in.
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Foreign Man
A foreign gentleman walks into a pharmacy. "I'd like a box of condoms please" he says.
The pharmacist replies "that'll be 6 bucks plus tax"
"Tacks!! the guy says, In my country these things stay on by themselves!"
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Inside Joke
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" ask the chemist.
"I did", replied the assistant.
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
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Condom Convention
A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
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Married Vs. Single
There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.
The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"
The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three?"
The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."
"Uh-Huh," said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"
The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."
"Wow," said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"
The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."
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Texas Condoms
Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.
She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texan's jeans, I changed my mind!"
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Masturbation
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
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Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."